November 1, 2001
Good morning Rich,

Did you like the little altar I made for you last night? I got the idea from a Wiccan friend, and I know I don?t practice it but I really liked the idea of the candles and having things that belonged to you around the candle and just thinking about you and letting you know how much I love and miss you.

I talked a little bit about that with Joanne, the bereavement therapist. She thinks the idea of keeping a journal is great and I guess it?s fine to type it out on the word processor. She still thinks I need to write a big long letter to you, though, about how you dying has made me feel. I thought I did that in the journal, but maybe it?s not enough. I?ll try again.

I feel a little funny and a little guilty about emailing David, the widower in Minnesota. He?s about nine months into this. His wife?s name was Melany and the newest bit of information is that he?s coming to Mystic Seaport, CT but I?m not sure when. He wanted to know how far I was from there and it?s not that far at all, especially by ferry. He hasn?t come out and asked me to meet him or anything. He has this lady he?s interested in but so far she keeps putting him off.

So I sort of feel safe by that and also by my weight. I don?t care what people say I do think that other people judge the way a person looks and what they see when they look at me: fat lady with huge sagging breasts. Yuck.

I think we?re going away to Orlando for Christmas break. We sort of kicked the idea of going before and I know you weren?t really into it because of the cost. I don?t know that I want to hang around/mope around Long Island all week long ? so why not? The trip would cost a couple thousand dollars but what the hell? I think we need to go away?all of us.

Kristin missed you last night and so did I. She says no one calls her ?Christmas pudding? anymore, which is your nickname for her. I call her Kristi-Belle but it just isn?t the same.

I feel very lonely for you. Billy and I managed to change the lightbulbs in the kitchen but I wasn?t especially happy with that. It?s something you and I did together and I wasn?t looking forward to doing it ? but it had to get done.

The tension here at work is so thick you could cut it with a knife. And the thing is everyone wants to confide in me when they really need to be having some sort of confrontational meeting. When I started here last year there were two instructors in the graphics department, Marcia and Hope. Marcia had the expertise with the creative programs like Pagemaker and Illustrator and stuff and Hope was more into word and Excell. Well there is another clerical teacher here, too, Marlene, and she does mostly data entry, typing filing, some word and that?s about it. Then the company hired some new people. Joanna, my friend here, is a graphics teacher. Mary Helen is in clerical and there?s another lady too for clerical. Well, Hope got moved over to Marlene?s end and she is really mad. She?s telling me all kinds of things she probably ought not to be confiding and it?s bothering Joanna because she really has nothing to do with what happened, she?s just trying to do her job. So I suggested to both of them that they need to have a meeting to air everything out rather than talking behind everyone?s back. I don?t know if they?re going to do that though.

I guess you would say, you don?t have to listen to them. It?s not your problem, just do your work and don?t get involved, etc., and I?m trying. Right now I?m trying to think how I would tell everyone we?re going to Orlando for the holidays?

Love you, Rich,
Me

Going Through Grief
Grief discriminates against no one. It kills.
Maims. And cripples. It is the ashes from which
the phoenix rises, and the mettle of re-birth.
It returns life to the living dead. It teaches
that there is nothing absolutely true, or untrue.
It assures the living that we know nothing
for certain. It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens.
It enlightens.
Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making.
--Stephanie Ericsson

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 4:15 PM EDT
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If Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me



If tomorrow starts without me, and I?m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn?t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn?t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you?ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I?d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I?d always thought I didn?t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I?d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I?d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven?s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I?ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it?s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day?s the same, there?s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn?t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you?re free.
So won?t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?"

So if tomorrow starts without me, don?t think we?re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I?m in your heart.

Author Unknown

October 23, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I?ve been in to several psychic rooms with no luck in trying to contact you. I?m going to give it up for now because it?s just too depressing.

We have another guest in the house. Lehani is Afrikaans, from South Africa. She is here with a group of young people from that country and they are putting on performances at the high school and junior high school. It?s my understanding that it has something to do with multicultural understanding, getting along with others, relationships and so on. I was planning on going to one of the sessions but I?m not sure which one.

I am taking this week off from work and not telling anyone (except the interpreting agency, I mean). I feel a little guilty about it ? but I need the break I think. I want my old life back?I still do and Gwen from the agency is the first one to say, ?You have to look forward, not back.? It?s another way of saying move on, I think. She?s right?I know she is.

I cried a little more for you yesterday, especially when Lehani was talking to her boyfriend. I remembered that when we were dating, we?d talk for hours on the phone. Gosh, isn?t it funny? Once we got married we didn?t do that as much although I do remember you would call me every single day at work?or I would call you. We didn?t do that as much when we moved to NY.

We really did love each other, didn?t we? I don?t know why I put a question mark there. I know we did.

On the WN board, I asked if big fat widows/widowers were able to find unconditional love again. I guess we?ll see what they say.

Living through it
Your happiness has been ripped apart. The mind is in shock. There seems no hope, no joy, no purpose in living.

But you are of a species bred to endure. The sufferings of others do not make your own less real -- but remember how those others clung to life, and in the end, won through.

You can do it.

The old happiness is withered and dead. But, see, there is a greenness veiling the land ... the frail beginnings of a new and better life.

--Pam Brown

The real value of ease
The real value of ease cannot be appreciated
without having known pain, nor of sweetness
without having tasted bitterness, nor of good
without having seen evil, nor even of life itself
without having passed through death.

--Sadhu Sundar Singh

October 20, 2001
I didn?t sleep so great last night, Rich. I went to bed around 2 in the morning and was up at 7:30. We are going out east to one of those pumpkin/apple picking farms. There?s also hayrides and a corn maze so I am hoping this will be fun. We were going to take Ashley but what a PITA her grandmother is turning out to be. We?re leaving around 12:30 and when I invited Ashley along her grandmother didn?t say anything about having plans. Now all of a sudden they have to go out east somewhere and Ashley has to be home at 5:30?well I don?t want to be putting Cheryl and Robin under that kind of stress so we?re just not going to take her this time.

Well, it was a real laugh ? I could have taken Ashley after all. Went over to Cheryl?s around 12:30 and we got under way about 20 minutes later. The place Cheryl wanted to go to was about 60 miles away, yeesh!!! I would have preferred to go to White Post Farms but okay, I was willing to go along with everyone else. Cheryl, her daughter, another kid, and Robin and Dan got into the car with Cheryl with me and the kids following in the van. We were on the LIE less than 5 minutes when Cheryl pulled ahead and lost us. Along about the exit to White Post, I was tempted to get off but I stuck it out and we were almost in Riverhead (been driving an hour) when Billy asked just where this farm was. He was getting antsy. Luckily the LIE ended in Riverhead, but the traffic was even worse! We crept along for almost another hour and then we all decided to hell with the place Cheryl was going to. Cheryl and Robin probably wouldn?t wait for us anyway, etc., so we pulled off and went to a farm stand that had a corn maze and a haunted walk through. We bought pumpkins and apples and corn on the cob. The kids said they had a good time?I hope so.

You know what? I felt sort of abandoned by Cheryl. I can understand us not staying right close to each other but you?d think she?d not pull so far ahead I?d lose her entirely. There was no way to be able to let her know we were going to give up and try another place. Ah, the hell with it.

October 19, 2001

Happy anniversary, Rich,

It would have been sixteen years today and I spent the last two crying. I guess the dam broke. I had it with work and I?ve been home. I think that Gwen is going to try and find someone to replace me for two weeks. Ha! They couldn?t even replace me when Elfie was here ? it would be nice to have the time off. I want to write. I feel so trapped and I thought I would feel you more. I hoped to have dreams about you but that hasn?t happened and it just adds to the sorrow. I am picking up the rings today and taking the kids to that Chinese buffet restaurant you always wanted to try. I have a candle that I?m going to light for you and I?ll put the flowers I ordered in a vase for you with your picture and fill those balloons again and ? what? More and more you just seem so totally GONE. I thought I would have more of a sense of you here and I just don?t.

I picked up the flowers. They are really pretty. You were right about carnations?once time you told me that you liked carnations but the smell reminded you of funeral homes. I got fifteen carnations sprayed blue and one white rose. I picked up the rings and put them on the gold chain. I kissed your ring and I cried. The kids and I went to that Chinese buffet you wanted to go to ? the food was really good. I think you would have liked it. I lit your apple candle and I read this to you:

AND I WILL LIGHT A CANDLE FOR YOU

And I will light a candle for you
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I will light a candle for you.

The seasons come and go, and I'm weary from the change.
I keep moving on, you know it's not the same.
And when I'm walking all alone
Do you hear me call your name?
Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprises,
Always saw that something special deep within your eyes.
And through good times and the bad,
We carried on with pride.
I hold onto the love and life we knew.

And I will light a candle for you
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night.
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.

~Author Unknown~

And I was hoping I?d feel you or sense you or something ? damn.

I went into one of those medium rooms and nothing happened. No one called on me. I felt like a nobody in there.

This really sucks, Rich. I am so angry and resentful. I have these abandonment issues getting stirred up again. So what happened to ?I would never do that to you? and ?I?m not going anywhere? and ?I won?t leave you?? Why is it that other people can dream of their spouses or smell them or get some sense of them and I can?t?

Happy anniversary my ass.

It Takes ...
I don't know who to credit for this one. It wasn't me so I will say "Anonymous" for now.

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuses,
It takes courage to stop them.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

October 17, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I couldn?t sleep. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and heard the song, ?You?ll Be In My Heart? and I thought to myself, Rich had this song come on. I don?t know if you did or not. It would be nice to think you did; that you are thinking of us and are close by. I imagined you hugging me. Why is it that I hear about other people having visits and hugs from their spouses? but not me? All I dreamed about (that I can remember) is that I forgot to bring pictures and other memories of you to the next session.

There is a bioterrorism scare now. People in Florida, Washington, and New York have contracted anthrax from contaminated mail. One man died in Florida. I think he ate something contaminated with it. I had this dream that Billy inhaled anthrax and he died. I just couldn?t stand it and so I killed the girls and myself so that we would all be together. When I woke up I felt like I had done the only logical, rational thing but as the day went on I was horrified by it, horrified that it was okay with me to do that.

I talked to the social worker, Joanne, about it?from the bereavement group? She said it sounded like I was working out my fears (of the anthrax and terrorism) and my desire to be with you.

I wonder if these are the end times? I talked with another widow, Carol R, who is Kristin?s girl scout leader and she wonders that too. Why were we left behind?

I asked Donna a lot of questions about who she saw while she was in heaven and if they were happy. She recognized her aunt and grandparents so does this mean I?ll know you when I see you? And what about this idea that there is all this wonderful love and things to do ? it means we won?t really spend time together, doesn?t it? I think that makes me feel sad.

We did join that gym shortly after Elfie left. I went down and had a physical assessment. Except for how much I weigh, which really pulled my scores down, and my back and hands, I was ?fit? even in the bike riding exercise zone. I was encouraged by that. We went on Monday to work out, and now the issue will be to find the time during the week to work out, between the counseling and everything else. Tonight Billy has another boxing class but Heidi and I also have counseling with Roxanne and Denise.

Billy is doing so good! I hope you are proud of him. As the treasurer of the ninth grade class, he?s really into the SGA thing and invited some kids over to paint the banners for the Homecoming. It?s the same day a contractor is coming to waterproof the basement?finally!

And we have a two year lease to stay here in the house. I need to work on cleaning it up some more.

I want to have a family picture taken. So many things to do ?

Carol R invited us over for Thanksgiving. I think I?d rather go spend the day with her than with family, you know? It?s so awkward being with your family; they won?t talk about you. And I don?t really want to go to PA where your dad will probably drink and there will be trouble?

Well, I just totally lost it. I was on the Southern State, driving to work and suddenly I thought: I can?t stand this shit today. So I pulled off and called NYSD and said I needed a break. Our wedding anniversary is this Friday and I don?t want to spend my working days upstairs watching Donna file. And I?m sick of those people at TRI telling me how they can?t get along without me ? what the fuck would they do if I died tomorrow?

And I really do want to have Thanksgiving with Carol R and the hell with families.

I called your sister Linda today and can?t remember half of what she said. I was calling her because I know how much you loved her and how much she loved you. And I do like her. It was nice hearing her voice; I just couldn?t tell you what she said to save my life.

I?m going to pick up my new ring necklace tomorrow. I think I will take us all out for dinner on Friday, our anniversary. I will be thinking of you, my darling. I?ve been thinking of you tonight?I miss you and I love you. I know eventually I will be all right and will go on, it?s just so damn hard?

Love you forever,
Me