Music I Heard With You
Music I Heard With You

Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate.
All that was once so beautiful is dead.

Your hands once touched this table and this silver,
And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.
These things do not remember you, beloved, --
And yet your touch upon them will not pass.

For it was in my heart you moved among them,
And blessed them with your hands and with your eyes;
And in my heart they will remember always, --
They knew you once, O beautiful and wise.

--Conrad Aiken

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 9:48 PM EDT
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Existence of Love
The Existence of Love

I had thought that your death
Was a waste and a destruction,
A pain of grief hardly to be endured,
I am only beginning to learn
That your life was a gift and a growing
And a loving left with me.
The desperation of death
Destroyed the existence of love,
But the fact of death
Cannot destroy what has been given.
I am learning to look back at your life again
Instead of your death and your departing.
--Marjorie Pizer

Only Slipped Away
... I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to
each other, that we still are.
--Canon Henry Scott Holland



I had thought that your death
Was a waste and a destruction.
A pain of grief hardly to be endured.
I am only beginning to learn
That your life was a gift and a growing
And a loving left with me.
--Marjorie Pizer

Time Goes On
Before I left the hospital in 2001 after Rich had been pronounced, nurses handed me some booklets about the death of a spouse. After I made funeral arrangements, the director gave me booklets too. I was too numb to do much more than page through the stuff. I couldn't imagine ever feeling this way but I must admit I am now in that place:

Time goes on, and your life is
still there, and you have to live it.
After a while
you remember the good things
more often than the bad.
Then, gradually,
the empty silent parts of you fill up
With sounds of talking and laughter
again.
And the jagged edges of sadness
are softened by memories.

I don't know who wrote it but I do see how I've progressed over 2 years. I've gone from flashbacks of that awful morning to memories of Rich when he was young and when he was healthy.

Thank God.

October 8, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

I find that I?m banned by the WidowNet board now too and I can?t get in even under another name. Oh well. I am always opening my big mouth and getting into trouble over something. Some things just never change. Note from me 10/08/03: I was very angry that fall 2 years ago and was challenging the webmaster of the WN board. I felt he was far removed from widow issues. Some friends intervened for me over the holidays and I got back onto that board.

The front page of the Newsday says ?America Strikes? and right now I don?t want to read it.

I typed up a hand out we got from the bereavement group last week. One of them was called ?12 Steps of Grief Work? and it goes like this (comments in between are mine)?

1. Accept the reality of your pain

Well, I think I do accept the reality of it. I certainly can?t deny it?s there ?

2. Commit to process and acknowledge your need to mourn

I think I?m doing that too by seeking out the bereavement group and the support lists and groups.

3. Understand that the healing is in the pain of suffering the loss

Easier said than done ? understand this logically.

4. Reckon with and respect the persistent urge to avoid, numb and escape from the pain of loss.

Now this is where I run into trouble. I?m not sure if I?m doing that. I understand this persistent urge because I think I?m still doing it now. Reckon with it? How do I do that? I?m not sure ? maybe I should ask Joanne, the social worker? Am I supposed to be actively trying to feel pain? I just don?t know.

5. Identify your losses. Name them. Put them into words.

I lost you!! You were my partner, best friend, soul mate, lover ? you were everything to me, and I think that I took it all for granted and didn?t value our lives and our love for each other the way I might have. God! Sometimes I remember in the heat of a bad argument that I?d yell drop dead or something equally awful. What a horrible thing to say to you. I?m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back!

I lost my life as I knew it. I lost a part of the person that I was, individually, and as a mother. I went from being a couple to being single. I don?t have someone to share decisions with anymore. I don?t have anyone to bounce ideas off of. I don?t have anyone to hold or to hold me.

I lost my comfort level being around other couples. I don?t like to watch people smooching and holding hands. When my friend Robin talks about being married for 23 years I just want to smack the shit out of her. It hurts to watch people necking on the beach because we used to do that. I also remember the times in the Jacuzzi at the Poconos. I miss you, all of you, your being, your body, everything.

6. Acknowledge that you are helpless (that you have no control) in the face of loss:
? That you cannot prevent a loss that has already happened
? That you cannot bring back what is really lost
? That you cannot simply replace what is lost, fill the emptiness and be healed

No kidding!!!!

7. Feel the feelings. Trust and abide by the inner truth of your feelings. Be aware of the tendency to deny and minimize feelings.


This is another one that I?m going to need help with. The inner truth of my feelings? I don?t feel anything right now ?

8. Make links between your present feelings, experience, behaviors and patterns and past losses.


Well, I guess this is where the ACOA issues kick in. Maybe some of this numbness and lack of feeling is really me pushing or hiding my feelings because that?s what I always used to do. Even when we?d fight or have a disagreement, I used to hide my hurt or resentment and I?d make myself go cold if you cried because you?d hurt me. What a dysfunctional way of dealing with everything! I sure would like to think that toward the end I was better ? but I just don?t know. I don?t remember if I said drop dead to you in the last year. I?m sure hoping that our communication was better. Toward the end I can remember saying that what you were doing made me angry which was definitely an improvement over what I used to do. You still didn?t like it, though?I was still being critical in your opinion. Also I think the things I used to say really hurt you because you?d bring them up again, over and over. We hurt each other a lot, I think.

I?m trying to change with all this counseling help we?re getting, me and the kids.


9. Identify the meanings of your loss. Spell out what losses have meant for you and the story of loss in your life.

Boy, this is another one I?m going to have to think about and then revisit. I mean, the story of loss in my life has been about abandonment. I felt emotionally abandoned by my parents. Sometimes I felt you had emotionally abandoned me. We found each other again ? and then you left. More abandonment.

10. Process or break down the experience of loss, e.g. ?I feel angry? -> ?I am angry because I didn?t get to say goodbye -> ? and that leaves me feeling betrayed and abandoned -> ? that plays on my insecurities and I feel I should have died instead.?

Do I feel angry? I know I feel lonely and abandoned because you aren?t here for me anymore. Angry? Well maybe. I am angry because you didn?t take care of you and I wasn?t nicer to you and so I think that?s why you didn?t lose the weight you needed to lose and keep it off. It plays on my ACOA ?hero? solve everything control everything issues and so I feel guilty that you died.

11. LET IT BE

Hey, that was the name of a Beatles tune!

12. Open yourself to and welcome the transformative power of mourning. Mourning nurtures a new sense of identity in recovery. Learning to mourn in the present is to be present to the suffering and joy of life.

Sounds lovely. How do I open myself to this transformative power of mourning? This is another question I need to revisit later when I?ve had a chance to think.

I did this over two days ? I?m going to save it and come back to it later.

Love you sweetie,
Me

October 7, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

We had another laid back kind of a day. I took the kids out and spent a lot of money. Oh well. It happens. We bought a lot of stuff at the Party store to get ready for Halloween. I just felt like decorating up the house and got some props for the kids? costumes and stuff. Got Billy and Kristin some clothes. They?ve all gained so much weight! We have to get on a program here. I can?t be the only one losing four pounds.

Later this afternoon we went out looking for a pumpkin farm you and I went to years ago and I remember we went there right before we went to Maryland on our honeymoon in 1985. Things have changed so much around here! There was one farm place that was incredibly packed, Schmitt Farms, I think. They had a haunted house site further up the road and we stopped off and did that.

It was kind of fun. They?d taken the inside of an old building and decorated it up with some really gross looking plastic bodies, monsters and so on, sprinkled in a few real people to scare people, some mazes and other special effects and bam! Instant fun haunted house?only Kristin chickened out right away and Heidi got about half way through before she bailed. Oh well. Billy and I made it through.

We went on down the road and found a place I thought might be the place we?d visited. They are having some kind of harvest festival all month. It costs $9 per person to get in and then there?s free hayrides, puppet shows, and other amusements. It was getting late in the afternoon and COLD and Heidi was getting cranky so we decided to put it off to next weekend and we came back home. We had a good day today, too, Rich. I think you would have enjoyed it.

Oh this is great. :( I went into AOL so that I could change some pictures to enhance our website and found out that the U.S. and British dropped about 50 missiles on Afghanistan?I won?t publicly speak against our country but I just don?t think it?ll do any good at all. I hope innocent civilians weren?t killed.

October 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

It?s been a nice couple of days. The weather has been beautiful and Elfie is gone so things are a little back to normal. I had a limo pick her up; I figured it was worth the money because then I wouldn?t have to drive all the way to the airport and back in heavy traffic and then go to the ball game. Elfie, I thiink, was disappointed but I told myself: be selfish. I have been running around a LOT lately and I?m really worn out.

As it was, Elfie and I walked for an hour down at Jones Beach and got to relax and talk. I think I might have disappointed her because I?m not as chatty as maybe she hoped I would be. I don?t know?I only can talk about stuff I feel comfortable about and it?s just not in me to stay up until the middle of the night anymore.

On the way back home, Elfie wanted to stop and take pictures of just about everything! I had a really bad moment as we went over the bridge on Wantagh Parkway: a Monarch butterfly got stuck under my windshield wiper. I was horrified. I knew if I moved the blade it would kill the butterfly so I pulled off the road onto the grass. I was sure it was dead and I was really upset. As I reached for it, though, I saw it free itself and fly away. Oh, I was so relieved I nearly cried!

Last night rocked! We went to Allen Park for the championship game of the Over-the-hill league. They raised funds for us, $2,500 which was really nice. They had a homerun derby and then the game itself was to start at 9. At first we were sitting over to one side and I was just enjoying the night air and thinking how much you would have enjoyed it too. It was a good old fashioned ball game with free refreshments, not like pro ball at all. Well, then one of Kristin?s classmates found us and took Kristin to her teacher from last year, Miss D. She came over to me and hugged me and then brought me to where the other parents were sitting and so I could meet the guys who organized the whole thing and some of the politicians. They are such nice people.

Just before the game started there was a moment of silence for the guys from Farmingdale who were killed at the WTC. I was introduced and the girls and I went up on stage. I wasn?t sure what to say but when I opened my mouth I thanked everyone for their generosity and I told them you would have enjoyed being at the game because you love baseball. I also told about how Billy got Bud Harrelson to sign your mitt at the Ducks? game last year (your birthday). I felt warm. I said I would like to think that you and the guys who died were all up there together watching. I think that went over pretty good. Then I just settled down to enjoy the game.

I also enjoyed chatting with some of the other people and I could see that the kids were having fun. It felt really good. All night long they were raffling stuff off but then there was this one prize they wanted to give to me and it was because of what it was and what I said?an autographed ball from the 69 World Series?signed by Bud Harrelson!! It was like fate?or you?set that one up!!

We were there until 11 and then we came home and we were all wired. And all of a sudden the printer turned on and damned if it didn?t print out your picture!!

I thought I could feel you last night! Sometimes I thought I felt you today. I took Billy and Kristin bowling. Later I went and met Jane R (interpreter coordinator) at a diner to talk and catch up.

I don?t know if I feel numb about this or accepting or just that I love you, I always will and I know you loved me. Maybe knowing that you are not hurting anymore helps me not hurt so much?I just don?t know. It?s just been an awesome two days Rich and if you were there to enjoy it with me well, then, I?m sure that?s all the more reason why I had such a great time.

I love you, my darling,
Me

October 4, 2001
Hey sweetie,

What?s going on? The last couple of nights I?ve been waking up at night and have thought of you. Twice this week I woke up right around 5:15 thinking that this is the time you?d be up and couldn?t get back to sleep. I wondered: is Rich trying to tell me something? I?m not remembering if you?re telling me something in a dream. I guess I still don?t pay attention to things well enough.

I?ll be so glad when Elfie goes home. One more day. Don?t get me wrong?I really did enjoy her company but one week would definitely have been enough and her travel plans are just inconveniencing to me. She needs to be at JFK Airport by 4 in the afternoon; well, great, that?s right when all the Friday afternoon traffic is starting. :P I have to figure out how to get her there and then get back for this baseball game the Over-the-hill-league is having for you.

I just found out a guy that I write with, Ron M, needs to have a gastric bypass operation. He said something really interesting. I didn?t know how big he was, must be as big as you because he says he?s gained 300 pounds over the last couple of years. He doesn?t get out and around much. He says he feels that you are like an angel watching over him. I was so touched by that. He is such a sweet guy.

I am joining 3fatchicks, the list that you enjoyed so much? I?m not sure I can handle the 200 Club because you were so much a part of that and your old friend Helen is still there.

Love you,
Me

October 3, 2001
Hi Sweetie,

Elfie is still here and so I have had little to no computer time for writing to you or emails or anything else. I miss it. I miss talking to you. It?s nice to have Elfie around but it?s also difficult and draining, too. I feel bad that we haven?t done more sightseeing but she didn?t seem to want to. She says she is content just to relax and talk. I also may have disappointed her by not staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning to talk but I?m just not capable of that anymore. I can?t worry about that part of it. I have the kids and the job to worry about first.

Today I?m finally back at work. I actually started back yesterday but right away I had to run upstairs with Erica, who is doing her internship with a law firm. That was really boring. I?m glad I brought a book with me to read.

After that I went home. Elfie had gone into NYC for the day so she wasn?t home when I got there. I laid down and went to sleep for a little while. Billy woke me up when it was time to go to the bowling alley. He and Kristin were supposed to bowl on the PAL (police association league) from 4:30 to 6. At some point, I was supposed to go pick up Elfie, drop the kids back at home and go for my bereavement group. Well, Elfie missed her first train, which meant I?d have to leave the bowling alley to get her at 5. Kristin went into hysterics (she?s been acting like a real baby lately, regressing to behaving like a 2 year old at bedtime) and decided she didn?t want to bowl at all. Billy was struggling. I have to take them bowling more often to practice. It was embarrassing. He kept throwing gutterballs, the poor kid.

Heidi is taking Zoloft now. I hope it helps her. She?s only been on it a couple of days. Elfie and Heidi get on pretty well. I think Elfie was a little worried that I might feel jealous of that but I don?t. I think that anything that helps Heidi would be great. The girls are going to bereavement camp on Saturday.

I started my own group last week. I might have had time to write about it; I don?t know. This time two guys joined the group and it was okay. I didn?t feel too uncomfortable with them being there. One fellow, John, lost his wife in January or February of 2000 and it?s taken him this long to decide to come for help. He has one son and a daughter, 21 and 22. His wife died of kidney cancer?and toward the end SHE was doing better, too ? it?s not fair. The other guy, Joe, has three kids, 16, 13, and 10 I think he said. His wife was killed in a car accident. Kathy was back?her husband died of a brain hemorrhage and then there was me, talking about you.

It was good to talk to these people. Two of us, John and I, arranged for cremation. The other two had their spouses buried but haven?t been to the cemeteries to visit. I felt bad for John because he planned to scatter his wife?s ashes on a beach in South Carolina but her relatives guilted him into giving them the ashes. He wasn?t comfortable with splitting them up. I talked about my confusion about what to do about you, that you didn?t want to be at home but you didn?t particularly want the cemetery either.

See you later, my love,
Me

September 16, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Coming in off a very difficult week. I really need your support. Heidi and I have been fighting and I?ve said some horrible things to her. I am so sorry. The words were out before I could stop them. She was being hard headed, fighting with the other two kids and refusing to listen to me, and I was threatening her with social services?that if she wouldn?t respect my authority, she couldn?t leave her. Her face got all ugly and she demanded to know why I would say such a thing and I told her she was driving me crazy and maybe I would have a heart attack and she?d better go upstairs before I said something else I regret and she wouldn?t stop. She said nastily, ?Like what?? and it was out, ?like how you were in Daddy?s face the night he came home from the hospital AND the night he died and YOU helped kill my husband.? That?s verbal abuse. I have felt horrible since, but I also feel that it?s true in a way. I think I feel it deep down. Yes, I know it was your weight and your own temper, too, but I wonder ? if there hadn?t been additional stress that night? ???

Oh God.

And then this, with the attacks in NY and DC and the calls for bombing Afghanistan and revenge. I am sick of it.

I really meant to get up early and take the children to St. David?s although deep down in my heart I had a feeling I wouldn?t and I didn?t. I got up when Billy woke me around 7:30 and I mumbled, ?We?ll go on Saturday night.? Sometime I woke in the night with an ?answer? of sorts. I remembered we discussed going to the contemporary service of the Presbyterian Church in Massapequa park on Saturday nights and then, if we wanted to, to Sunday school. And in the night, I thought: Go to THAT church, to the Saturday night service. Go to the Sunday school if you want. Was that you? My guardian angel? God?

I really mean to try it. I keep praying to God to help me be a better parent, but, Rich, I just feel worse. I really feel so inadequate for this. God help me.

I love you, darling,
Me