October 7, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

We had another laid back kind of a day. I took the kids out and spent a lot of money. Oh well. It happens. We bought a lot of stuff at the Party store to get ready for Halloween. I just felt like decorating up the house and got some props for the kids? costumes and stuff. Got Billy and Kristin some clothes. They?ve all gained so much weight! We have to get on a program here. I can?t be the only one losing four pounds.

Later this afternoon we went out looking for a pumpkin farm you and I went to years ago and I remember we went there right before we went to Maryland on our honeymoon in 1985. Things have changed so much around here! There was one farm place that was incredibly packed, Schmitt Farms, I think. They had a haunted house site further up the road and we stopped off and did that.

It was kind of fun. They?d taken the inside of an old building and decorated it up with some really gross looking plastic bodies, monsters and so on, sprinkled in a few real people to scare people, some mazes and other special effects and bam! Instant fun haunted house?only Kristin chickened out right away and Heidi got about half way through before she bailed. Oh well. Billy and I made it through.

We went on down the road and found a place I thought might be the place we?d visited. They are having some kind of harvest festival all month. It costs $9 per person to get in and then there?s free hayrides, puppet shows, and other amusements. It was getting late in the afternoon and COLD and Heidi was getting cranky so we decided to put it off to next weekend and we came back home. We had a good day today, too, Rich. I think you would have enjoyed it.

Oh this is great. :( I went into AOL so that I could change some pictures to enhance our website and found out that the U.S. and British dropped about 50 missiles on Afghanistan?I won?t publicly speak against our country but I just don?t think it?ll do any good at all. I hope innocent civilians weren?t killed.

October 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

It?s been a nice couple of days. The weather has been beautiful and Elfie is gone so things are a little back to normal. I had a limo pick her up; I figured it was worth the money because then I wouldn?t have to drive all the way to the airport and back in heavy traffic and then go to the ball game. Elfie, I thiink, was disappointed but I told myself: be selfish. I have been running around a LOT lately and I?m really worn out.

As it was, Elfie and I walked for an hour down at Jones Beach and got to relax and talk. I think I might have disappointed her because I?m not as chatty as maybe she hoped I would be. I don?t know?I only can talk about stuff I feel comfortable about and it?s just not in me to stay up until the middle of the night anymore.

On the way back home, Elfie wanted to stop and take pictures of just about everything! I had a really bad moment as we went over the bridge on Wantagh Parkway: a Monarch butterfly got stuck under my windshield wiper. I was horrified. I knew if I moved the blade it would kill the butterfly so I pulled off the road onto the grass. I was sure it was dead and I was really upset. As I reached for it, though, I saw it free itself and fly away. Oh, I was so relieved I nearly cried!

Last night rocked! We went to Allen Park for the championship game of the Over-the-hill league. They raised funds for us, $2,500 which was really nice. They had a homerun derby and then the game itself was to start at 9. At first we were sitting over to one side and I was just enjoying the night air and thinking how much you would have enjoyed it too. It was a good old fashioned ball game with free refreshments, not like pro ball at all. Well, then one of Kristin?s classmates found us and took Kristin to her teacher from last year, Miss D. She came over to me and hugged me and then brought me to where the other parents were sitting and so I could meet the guys who organized the whole thing and some of the politicians. They are such nice people.

Just before the game started there was a moment of silence for the guys from Farmingdale who were killed at the WTC. I was introduced and the girls and I went up on stage. I wasn?t sure what to say but when I opened my mouth I thanked everyone for their generosity and I told them you would have enjoyed being at the game because you love baseball. I also told about how Billy got Bud Harrelson to sign your mitt at the Ducks? game last year (your birthday). I felt warm. I said I would like to think that you and the guys who died were all up there together watching. I think that went over pretty good. Then I just settled down to enjoy the game.

I also enjoyed chatting with some of the other people and I could see that the kids were having fun. It felt really good. All night long they were raffling stuff off but then there was this one prize they wanted to give to me and it was because of what it was and what I said?an autographed ball from the 69 World Series?signed by Bud Harrelson!! It was like fate?or you?set that one up!!

We were there until 11 and then we came home and we were all wired. And all of a sudden the printer turned on and damned if it didn?t print out your picture!!

I thought I could feel you last night! Sometimes I thought I felt you today. I took Billy and Kristin bowling. Later I went and met Jane R (interpreter coordinator) at a diner to talk and catch up.

I don?t know if I feel numb about this or accepting or just that I love you, I always will and I know you loved me. Maybe knowing that you are not hurting anymore helps me not hurt so much?I just don?t know. It?s just been an awesome two days Rich and if you were there to enjoy it with me well, then, I?m sure that?s all the more reason why I had such a great time.

I love you, my darling,
Me

October 4, 2001
Hey sweetie,

What?s going on? The last couple of nights I?ve been waking up at night and have thought of you. Twice this week I woke up right around 5:15 thinking that this is the time you?d be up and couldn?t get back to sleep. I wondered: is Rich trying to tell me something? I?m not remembering if you?re telling me something in a dream. I guess I still don?t pay attention to things well enough.

I?ll be so glad when Elfie goes home. One more day. Don?t get me wrong?I really did enjoy her company but one week would definitely have been enough and her travel plans are just inconveniencing to me. She needs to be at JFK Airport by 4 in the afternoon; well, great, that?s right when all the Friday afternoon traffic is starting. :P I have to figure out how to get her there and then get back for this baseball game the Over-the-hill-league is having for you.

I just found out a guy that I write with, Ron M, needs to have a gastric bypass operation. He said something really interesting. I didn?t know how big he was, must be as big as you because he says he?s gained 300 pounds over the last couple of years. He doesn?t get out and around much. He says he feels that you are like an angel watching over him. I was so touched by that. He is such a sweet guy.

I am joining 3fatchicks, the list that you enjoyed so much? I?m not sure I can handle the 200 Club because you were so much a part of that and your old friend Helen is still there.

Love you,
Me

October 3, 2001
Hi Sweetie,

Elfie is still here and so I have had little to no computer time for writing to you or emails or anything else. I miss it. I miss talking to you. It?s nice to have Elfie around but it?s also difficult and draining, too. I feel bad that we haven?t done more sightseeing but she didn?t seem to want to. She says she is content just to relax and talk. I also may have disappointed her by not staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning to talk but I?m just not capable of that anymore. I can?t worry about that part of it. I have the kids and the job to worry about first.

Today I?m finally back at work. I actually started back yesterday but right away I had to run upstairs with Erica, who is doing her internship with a law firm. That was really boring. I?m glad I brought a book with me to read.

After that I went home. Elfie had gone into NYC for the day so she wasn?t home when I got there. I laid down and went to sleep for a little while. Billy woke me up when it was time to go to the bowling alley. He and Kristin were supposed to bowl on the PAL (police association league) from 4:30 to 6. At some point, I was supposed to go pick up Elfie, drop the kids back at home and go for my bereavement group. Well, Elfie missed her first train, which meant I?d have to leave the bowling alley to get her at 5. Kristin went into hysterics (she?s been acting like a real baby lately, regressing to behaving like a 2 year old at bedtime) and decided she didn?t want to bowl at all. Billy was struggling. I have to take them bowling more often to practice. It was embarrassing. He kept throwing gutterballs, the poor kid.

Heidi is taking Zoloft now. I hope it helps her. She?s only been on it a couple of days. Elfie and Heidi get on pretty well. I think Elfie was a little worried that I might feel jealous of that but I don?t. I think that anything that helps Heidi would be great. The girls are going to bereavement camp on Saturday.

I started my own group last week. I might have had time to write about it; I don?t know. This time two guys joined the group and it was okay. I didn?t feel too uncomfortable with them being there. One fellow, John, lost his wife in January or February of 2000 and it?s taken him this long to decide to come for help. He has one son and a daughter, 21 and 22. His wife died of kidney cancer?and toward the end SHE was doing better, too ? it?s not fair. The other guy, Joe, has three kids, 16, 13, and 10 I think he said. His wife was killed in a car accident. Kathy was back?her husband died of a brain hemorrhage and then there was me, talking about you.

It was good to talk to these people. Two of us, John and I, arranged for cremation. The other two had their spouses buried but haven?t been to the cemeteries to visit. I felt bad for John because he planned to scatter his wife?s ashes on a beach in South Carolina but her relatives guilted him into giving them the ashes. He wasn?t comfortable with splitting them up. I talked about my confusion about what to do about you, that you didn?t want to be at home but you didn?t particularly want the cemetery either.

See you later, my love,
Me

September 16, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Coming in off a very difficult week. I really need your support. Heidi and I have been fighting and I?ve said some horrible things to her. I am so sorry. The words were out before I could stop them. She was being hard headed, fighting with the other two kids and refusing to listen to me, and I was threatening her with social services?that if she wouldn?t respect my authority, she couldn?t leave her. Her face got all ugly and she demanded to know why I would say such a thing and I told her she was driving me crazy and maybe I would have a heart attack and she?d better go upstairs before I said something else I regret and she wouldn?t stop. She said nastily, ?Like what?? and it was out, ?like how you were in Daddy?s face the night he came home from the hospital AND the night he died and YOU helped kill my husband.? That?s verbal abuse. I have felt horrible since, but I also feel that it?s true in a way. I think I feel it deep down. Yes, I know it was your weight and your own temper, too, but I wonder ? if there hadn?t been additional stress that night? ???

Oh God.

And then this, with the attacks in NY and DC and the calls for bombing Afghanistan and revenge. I am sick of it.

I really meant to get up early and take the children to St. David?s although deep down in my heart I had a feeling I wouldn?t and I didn?t. I got up when Billy woke me around 7:30 and I mumbled, ?We?ll go on Saturday night.? Sometime I woke in the night with an ?answer? of sorts. I remembered we discussed going to the contemporary service of the Presbyterian Church in Massapequa park on Saturday nights and then, if we wanted to, to Sunday school. And in the night, I thought: Go to THAT church, to the Saturday night service. Go to the Sunday school if you want. Was that you? My guardian angel? God?

I really mean to try it. I keep praying to God to help me be a better parent, but, Rich, I just feel worse. I really feel so inadequate for this. God help me.

I love you, darling,
Me

September 12, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I was listening to Q103.4 like we always do in the morning. Bob Buckman and his morning team were still providing coverage of what happened yesterday. They were playing a lot of patriotic music (like ?Oh Beautiful? by Ray Charles) and songs to make you think (like ?Imagine? by John Lennon and ?Teach? by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young).

People were calling in to talk about how they were feeling and to volunteer in the search and recovery efforts. Some callers want to blame the Palestinians right off and throw them out of the US or bomb their countries but Bob tried to get them to chill out. That is just so wrong. We don?t even know yet who did this yet. I don?t want to see this turn crazy, like after Pearl Harbor and we were interring innocent Japanese Americans.

Heidi wasn?t given the whole story and so when she got home she was upset, especially after seeing some of the coverage on TV. She called Emma right away. Kristin was shocked and dismayed. Some of the coverage was too graphic. You could see people jumping from the WTC buildings, 100 stories up, and the kids were really upset by that. I was too. It was like watching a disaster movie. Kristin cried, especially when she found out that all the places we went to that day we went into the city for Fest is gone, totally obliterated. ?It?s not fair,? she said.

No, it?s not. Last night, before Kristin and I went to sleep, she said, ?Mom, does this seem like a dream to you? Like when I wake up tomorrow, you?re going to say to me, ?No, it was just a dream. The World Trade Center wasn?t really blown up.??

?Yes,? I told her. ?It does feel like a dream.? After a moment I added, ?It?s like when Daddy died and I felt like it was a dream too.?

Kristin nodded. ?I know,? she said softly. ?Heidi was crying and I hugged her. I told her that Dad survived a-fib one time before and that he could do it again.?

I just let her talk, just asked if this was when they?d gone to Janet C?s house. I don?t know what the kids thought that morning; if they knew before I left that you were dead or if they were hoping you were still alive. I just couldn?t ask her.

Today I just feel so sad for the loss of all those innocent people. It?s not just the people who were in the planes and in the buildings?I?ve heard that there are over 200 firefighters and over 100 policemen missing since the towers came down. There are volunteers back down there again, working through the rubble and ? I don?t know, I guess they?re just trying to bring everyone out. The reporters were talking about how there are no whole bodies and I just couldn?t listen to that. I turned the TV off.

September 11, 2001
My God, sweetheart, I am absolutely stunned by what is going on in this country today. My mind is boggling? I just do NOT understand?

We?ve been attacked by an as yet unnamed terrorist organization. This was well thought out and planned. The first thing I heard was that two planes hit the World Trade Center?a kamikazee attack that killed the pilots. I since heard that the towers came down, they?re gone?the place where we had the DS Fest?gone. I heard that a helicopter crashed on the lawn of the White House; that the Pentagon was bombed; that the State Department and Capitol were bombed?NYC is virtually closed down?all the airports, bridges, and tunnels are closed. Federal agencies are being evacuated. Most of the people in our building left, but we are trying to carry on ?business as usual?.

This is the latest from AOL, the only place where I could get anything to come up:

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Pentagon was struck by aircraft, a car bomb exploded outside the State Department and agents patrolled outside the White House with automatic weapons Tuesday as an apparent coordinated terrorist attack spread fear and chaos in the nation's capital.

The enduring symbols of American power were evacuated, the Capitol, White House and more shut down, and the nation's air traffic system ordered shut down. Billows of smoke drifted from the Pentagon over the Potomac River toward the capital.

``Terrorism against our nation will not stand,'' vowed President Bush. He spoke moments after two planes had flown directly into the twin World Trade Center towers in New York.

``This shows what an uncontrollable world we live in. This is crazy, wild and crazy,'' said Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis., as the disruptions hit Washington within an hour after two planes flew directly into the World Trade Center towers in New York.

Bush, in Florida when the attacks hit, termed the disaster in New York ``an apparent terrorist attack on our country.'' He said he would return immediately to Washington.

In Washington, a senior government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the FBI suspects the events in New York and Washington were part of an organized terrorist campaign.

Each moment seemed to bring fresh evidence of that:
A car bomb exploded outside the State Department, senior law enforcement officials said.

A loud explosion was reported in the vicinity of the Capitol.

The departments of Justice, State, Treasury and Defense were among those ordered evacuated, as were the Capitol and the White House. In a remarkable scene, security guards brandishing automatic weapons could be seen outside the White House.

The FAA ordered the entire nationwide air traffic system shut down.

A senior U.S. intelligence official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, ``We don't know who's doing it. Clearly, it's terrorism related, a carefully coordinated attack. It's not the work of an unsophisticated enemy. It's too soon to say who.''

Paul Begala, a Democratic consultant, said he witnessed an explosion near the Pentagon.

``It was a huge fireball, a huge, orange fireball,'' Begala said in an interview on his cell phone.
He said another witness told him a helicopter exploded.

AP reporter Dave Winslow also saw the crash. He said, ``I saw the tail of a large airliner. ... It plowed right into the Pentagon.''

Gen. Richard Myers, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that prior to the crash into the Pentagon, military officials had been notified that another hijacked plane had been heading from the New York area to Washington. He said he assumed that hijacked plane was the one that hit the Pentagon, though he couldn't be sure.

Meanwhile, one of two planes that crashed into the World Trade Center was hijacked after takeoff from Boston, a U.S. official said, citing a transmission from the plane.

The second plane may have flown out of Newark, N.J., the official said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Asked if there was any possibility the crashes were anything other than deliberate, the official said it appeared not to be an accident, the official said.

Nancy K wrote me and said that her mom is in Washington DC sightseeing. She said that she is looking out on Times Square and that the city is in chaos. I cannot believe that the Trade Center is gone! This is what she wrote to me:

Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 10:46:33 EDT
Subject: Re: What's going on today


NYC is in total chaos. The Both Trade Towers are gone. They collapsed.
(The place where the DSFestival was held). They have evacuated all
federal buildings. I'm sitting here in the middle of Time Square looking
at the Empire State Building . . .

My mother and aunt are visiting Washington D.C. today doing the tourist
things . . .

Unbelievable.

And then I heard from Nancy S in PA:

For those who are without news capability right now-

-Both trade center towers are gone, and they were talking about people
jumping
out the windows before the towers fell
-they think the plane that hit the first tower was a commercial plane
out of
Boston, passengers unknown
-someone said they thought that a US military helicopter hit the second
tower,
but I have not heard that confirmed - it definitely looked like a
helicopter
though...
-part of the Pentagon has collapsed
-car bomb went off at the state department
-fire on the Mall in DC
-they are monitoring another threatening plane, possibly another
commercial
plane
-all the major federal buildings were evacuated in DC
-just found out a large plane crashed about 80 miles south of
Pittsburgh (which
is where I am) but they don't know if it's related...

just beyond words...
Nancy

And whoever this is also hit Camp David, Rich. I hear also that maybe ten thousand people have been killed. Why did this happen? Is it an outside terrorist group or one of those Timothy McVeigh crazies? I?m trying to think of the significance of this date, too, because when McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City, it was because it was the anniversary of the fire in Waco, Texas?at the ranch of that wacked out Branch-Davidian.

This is just nuts?Rich, are you seeing any of this? I feel sick to my stomach at the destruction and the loss of life?more later?.

September 10, 2001
September 10, 2001

Hi sweetheart,

I finished Embraced by the Light, and I?m going to give it to Heidi to read. It was a totally awesome, mind-blowing book, and I think I want to re-read it. It?s a very Christian kind of book, I guess, in that the author talks about God, Jesus and the angels all being there in heaven. I don?t know if people of other religions would like the book BUT the message in the book is that there IS no religion or faith that is above the others. All of us need the churches we go to or the faiths we believe in until we?re reading to move on; in other words, there?s something to be learned from all the churches and so we shouldn?t try to say one religion, race, or culture is better than another.

When a spirit crosses over, either they are still earthbound to finish up other business or they haven?t totally accepted the love Jesus has to offer or they move through this tunnel to heaven. After that, I guess there is a review of your life on earth and you can see where you made your mistakes and where you had your successes. Apparently, we all started out as pre-mortals with Jesus and with God, all of us wanted to come to earth to experience whatever it was people wanted to learn, and all of us selected the people we would be ? and the afflictions we would have. That was a little tough for me to ?get? and when our business here is done, we go back. Again this seems to confirm the first reading I had, Rich.

Last night I went into a chatroom with another psychic. This person did a reading with me one time before, apparently with a spirit who was my sister. This time I asked specifically for you, and then you were there. I remember thinking during the reading that you seemed exuberant to be where you are but yet much more distanced from me. I felt that you must have decided we were all right and it was okay for you to let go further. It hurt but at the same time I was happy for you. The transcript:

(I used the name "Ilsa Lund" who was the Ingrid Bergman character in Casablanca which was 'our' movie)


*** MEDIUM has joined #LightHouse

(MEDIUM) ANOTHER GOOD BOOK OR AUDIO TAPE TO CHECK OUT IS THE FOUR AGREEMENTS BYDON MFOUEL RUEZ SORRY IF I DID NOT SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT
(MEDIUM) OK PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WHISPER ME FOR READINGS SPIRIT CHOOSES FOLKS ALL OF YOU WANT ONE THANKS
(MEDIUM) OK FIRST UP IS
(MEDIUM) LISA LUND
(MEDIUM) HOW MAY I HELP YOU
May I have a medium reading please?
(MEDIUM) SURE FIRST NAME AND RELATION PLEASE
Rich, spouse
(MEDIUM) TY
(MEDIUM) CONNECTING
(MEDIUM) I FEEL A BRIGHT LIGHT COMING IN AND HE IS LEAD TO MY OFFICE
*** Dennie has joined #LightHouse
(MEDIUM) WOW HE SAYS THE ENERGY WHERE HE IS AT IS AMAZING
(MEDIUM) SEEMS LIKE THE ANGELS HAVE BEEN WORKING ON SOME WAY TO BOOST ENERGY TO US
(MEDIUM) LOL
good :)
(MEDIUM) DID HE HAVE CONFUSION WHEN HE MADE HIS TRANSITON OR SOMETHING AFFECTING THOUGHT OR HEAD AREA?
I don't know Halo I was not there when he crossed
I ws asleep
(MEDIUM) THANKS
(MEDIUM) HE SAID TO LET YOU KNOW HE SEND YOU LOVE
ty
(MEDIUM) WANTED TO TAKE A TRIP WITH YOU BEFORE HE LEFT FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT COULD BE A SPECIAL PLACE
yes
(MEDIUM) HE SMILES AND SAYS IT WAS SO MUCH RELIEF TO LEAVE HIS PROBLEMS ON EARTH
thanks, you left them with me, lol
(MEDIUM) DID HE LIKE TO READ?
very much
didn't have much time tho
is he getting to read now?
(MEDIUM) HE HAS BEEN SPENDING TIME IN A PLACE WITH THE HALL OF RECORDS OF LIGHT
(MEDIUM) INTRESTING HAS INFORMATION ABOUT ALL KINDS OF THINGS MANKIND HAS LEARNED
(MEDIUM) WOW CAN ABSORB A BOOK IN MERE SECONDS WOW ALSO THE AUTHOR TRANSMITS THE BOOK TO HIM BY THOUGHT
:)
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS CANT CHECK THAT OUT ON EARTH
(MEDIUM) LOL NO OVERDUE FEES HERE
rofl
:}
:
pls tell him he ws never the one with the overdue fees
lol
(MEDIUM) I AM GETTING AN IMAGE OF A HEART THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU LISA?
yes
it sure does
(MEDIUM) TY
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS I MISSED YOU AND SEND YOU LOVE THROUGH THE ANGELS OVER YOU
(MEDIUM) THEY SEND YOU HEALING NOW TOO
I miss him, I wish he could visit my dreams
I am grateful for the angels
(MEDIUM) I GET TO COME TO YOU WHEN I AM READY I GUESS I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FIND YOU YET ITS VERY BIG UNIVERSE
(MEDIUM) LOL BUT NOT ME I NEVER GET LOST
(MEDIUM) HE HAS A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
yes he always did
hey, I lit a candle Rich!! Follow the light, lol
(MEDIUM) SOMETHING ABOUT BUISNESS USE COMMON SENSE HE SAYS AND JUST LET OTHERS DO THE WORK
I'm trying, Rich...I'm still impulsive, a friend asks about a book of cancer cures?
(MEDIUM) HE WAS LIFTED UP INTO THE LIGHT BY A ANGEL AND THEY SEND ME TO A HEALING PLACE A BEAUTIFUL LOVE FILLED PLACE
(MEDIUM) THEN I LET GO OF MY BODY AND WAS FREE
wow...
Rich you were not in pain then?
I worried about that, how you got on the floor...
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS I WAS IN SUSPENDED TIME OF EXISTENCE EVERYTHING WAS MOTIONLESS UNTIL THE ANGELS CAME
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS HE KNOWS OF ILLNESS AND ANGELS AND WORKING WITH MAN ON CURES
(MEDIUM) IT WILL COME WHEN THEY ARE READY FOR IT
(MEDIUM) OUT OF MY HANDS
Please tell him his daughter Heidi wants to be a cardiologist
The kids miss him
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS THE WAY TO LOVE IS TO KNOW OUR HEARTS ARE ALWAYS ONE IN THOUGHT WHEN APART
You will always be with me, in my heart
(MEDIUM) HE KNOWS OF THE LOSS WITH FAMILY AND HE IS GIVEN REPORTS NEEDS 2 ANGELS FOR HEIDI
LOL That sounds right!
Heidi did need more,
(MEDIUM) I AM BEING PUSHED TO CLEAR FOR OTHERS NOW SAY LOVE TO ALL AND TAKE CARE
(MEDIUM) WALKS TO A LIGHTED HALLWAY WITH MIRRORS OF LIGHTS AND WALKS INTO A MIRRO AND DISAPPEARS
Okay good night Rich, where is your book of poems pls?
shoot
lol
(MEDIUM) END OF READING
TY (MEDIUM) COMMENTS LISA
That was very comforting
I think Rich is still transitioning, that's why he can't find me?
it's only been a few months since Rich crossed is that what he means about learning to find me?
It was very comforting
Several things "clicked"
(MEDIUM) WELL HE IS LEARING ABOUT HIS ASTRAL BODY
(MEDIUM) I DONT KNOW IF ANYONE HAD A LOG ON
I have one
(MEDIUM) WELL THEN SAVE IT FOR FUTURE REFRENCE OF YOUR READING
I will how long should I wait before trying to talk to him again?
(MEDIUM) WELL DIGEST THE INFO TONIGHT AND SPIRIT WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE RIGHT TIME
thank you, it was very soothing Halo
I feel better

So it sounds like you are still transitioning over and maybe you aren?t as tied to the earth as you were before because now you mention getting ?reports? about me and the kids and that you send love to us through the angels? The author, Betty Eadie, mentions that there are guardian angels around us all the time, trying to help us. That?s a comforting concept. I wish YOU were my guardian angel, but I guess that?s just an earthbound type of thought. I?ll never forget you, Rich, or how much I loved you and love you still and how much you meant to me.

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 11:12 AM EDT
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September 8, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I lit a candle for you tonight to bring you closer to us ? well, to let you know that we love you still and that we?ll never forget you.

Today I took some steps?I hope in the right direction. I signed Billy and Kristin up for a bowling league through the police association league. I also stopped at the gym here in Massapequa Park to sign Billy up for boxing lessons. Maybe I will buy a family membership for us. We need to be physically fit, for our own health and peace of mind and also to give the kids something constructive to do. They need to be out among people so that they have a better chance at reaching their potentials?especially Billy. He can do better than those crappy kids that hang out here.

Tonight I met my friend Joanna and her family and we all we to a Chinese buffet. You would have loved it, sweetheart. And what?s really nice is that Joanna?s kids and our kids got along pretty well. Joanna?s husband is very nice, very friendly. I think she said his name was Morris, but there were so many names, I can?t remember them all. Joanna has six kids. Her oldest, Joseph, is JUST like Billy!! They got on famously and so did Heidi and Joanna?s oldest girl, Miriam. Rebecca is about Kristin?s age but I don?t know that they hit it off so well but they weren?t really sitting near each other. There?s another little girl and then a 5 year old named Sarah and another little boy, 3.

We had a wonderful time. I wish you could have been there to enjoy the food. Maybe you were there with us, enjoying it. From reading Embraced by the Light, I?ve read that spirits can be held to the earth by grieving family members. I feel so selfish. Heaven sounds beautiful and I feel guilty about wanting to tie you here. I know you?d be saying I always like to heap the guilt on myself. I should say to you: we will be okay, be free to go and learn all you want to learn but I?m just not ready to let go of you completely yet. Rich, I love you so much. Have we really been together in the past and will you keep your promise to be there for me?

The candle flickers every now and then but still burns. :) It?s like my love for you, steadfast. I?ll always love you.

Me

September 6, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The last bereavement class was last night. Heidi was so sad. I don?t know what?s going on with her. She says she doesn?t know what?s wrong but she?s very depressed. She didn?t sleep well again last night. Luckily we do have a counseling appointment this evening. Maybe she needs to be taking antidepressants?

I have to admit I am still feeling pretty blue myself. I sent out an email to the family just to update them on what?s been happening with us. I really don?t feel like calling anyone although I know I need to call Aunt Terri, Uncle George and Grandma, especially Grandma, because I haven?t even called to see how she?s doing after her surgery! I must remember to do that tonight!

I haven?t been signing my posts again. I just never know where I?m going to leave off?

Yesterday I stopped with how I felt when I read the copies of the medical reports we were taking to Johns Hopkins. I couldn?t tell you what they said but I just felt like I was going to die, too. We went to see this specialist in cardiomyopathy, Dr. Kenneth Baughman. Oh?that was the other thing the doctors said you had, and I?d never heard of it before. Cardiomyopathy? I?ve seen lots of information about it online since.

Dr. Baughman explained what it was by drawing pictures. He was honest and didn?t hide any information from us. At that point, I believe he even said life expectancy was about five years but he wanted to bring you in to run further tests. By this time, you have a very noticeable galloping heart beat. I could see your pulse in your throat and sometimes I could see your chest heaving. Once or twice, you shook the beat because your heart was beating so hard. I?d never encountered anything like it in my life. What Dr. Baughman told us was scary even though we appreciated knowing the truth. We went home and both of us cried. It couldn?t be happening to us?not this?not when we had a new baby, a new car, and were so happy together!

I?m back from lunch. I went out in a pissy mood because there was no place to eat (our lunch room was taken over for a meeting and the evaluation room was full of stuff) so I went outside and I started reading Embraced By the Light. Whoa! What an amazing book! I can see why critics say it can turn your life around ? and I understand a little better some of the psychic readings earlier in which your death would have happened no matter what?it was meant to be. There was a lot of useful stuff in there about depression and despair and I just wondered if kids can read this book? I?ll have to find out ?

I love you, darling. I always will,
Me