September 10, 2001
September 10, 2001

Hi sweetheart,

I finished Embraced by the Light, and I?m going to give it to Heidi to read. It was a totally awesome, mind-blowing book, and I think I want to re-read it. It?s a very Christian kind of book, I guess, in that the author talks about God, Jesus and the angels all being there in heaven. I don?t know if people of other religions would like the book BUT the message in the book is that there IS no religion or faith that is above the others. All of us need the churches we go to or the faiths we believe in until we?re reading to move on; in other words, there?s something to be learned from all the churches and so we shouldn?t try to say one religion, race, or culture is better than another.

When a spirit crosses over, either they are still earthbound to finish up other business or they haven?t totally accepted the love Jesus has to offer or they move through this tunnel to heaven. After that, I guess there is a review of your life on earth and you can see where you made your mistakes and where you had your successes. Apparently, we all started out as pre-mortals with Jesus and with God, all of us wanted to come to earth to experience whatever it was people wanted to learn, and all of us selected the people we would be ? and the afflictions we would have. That was a little tough for me to ?get? and when our business here is done, we go back. Again this seems to confirm the first reading I had, Rich.

Last night I went into a chatroom with another psychic. This person did a reading with me one time before, apparently with a spirit who was my sister. This time I asked specifically for you, and then you were there. I remember thinking during the reading that you seemed exuberant to be where you are but yet much more distanced from me. I felt that you must have decided we were all right and it was okay for you to let go further. It hurt but at the same time I was happy for you. The transcript:

(I used the name "Ilsa Lund" who was the Ingrid Bergman character in Casablanca which was 'our' movie)


*** MEDIUM has joined #LightHouse

(MEDIUM) ANOTHER GOOD BOOK OR AUDIO TAPE TO CHECK OUT IS THE FOUR AGREEMENTS BYDON MFOUEL RUEZ SORRY IF I DID NOT SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT
(MEDIUM) OK PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WHISPER ME FOR READINGS SPIRIT CHOOSES FOLKS ALL OF YOU WANT ONE THANKS
(MEDIUM) OK FIRST UP IS
(MEDIUM) LISA LUND
(MEDIUM) HOW MAY I HELP YOU
May I have a medium reading please?
(MEDIUM) SURE FIRST NAME AND RELATION PLEASE
Rich, spouse
(MEDIUM) TY
(MEDIUM) CONNECTING
(MEDIUM) I FEEL A BRIGHT LIGHT COMING IN AND HE IS LEAD TO MY OFFICE
*** Dennie has joined #LightHouse
(MEDIUM) WOW HE SAYS THE ENERGY WHERE HE IS AT IS AMAZING
(MEDIUM) SEEMS LIKE THE ANGELS HAVE BEEN WORKING ON SOME WAY TO BOOST ENERGY TO US
(MEDIUM) LOL
good :)
(MEDIUM) DID HE HAVE CONFUSION WHEN HE MADE HIS TRANSITON OR SOMETHING AFFECTING THOUGHT OR HEAD AREA?
I don't know Halo I was not there when he crossed
I ws asleep
(MEDIUM) THANKS
(MEDIUM) HE SAID TO LET YOU KNOW HE SEND YOU LOVE
ty
(MEDIUM) WANTED TO TAKE A TRIP WITH YOU BEFORE HE LEFT FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT COULD BE A SPECIAL PLACE
yes
(MEDIUM) HE SMILES AND SAYS IT WAS SO MUCH RELIEF TO LEAVE HIS PROBLEMS ON EARTH
thanks, you left them with me, lol
(MEDIUM) DID HE LIKE TO READ?
very much
didn't have much time tho
is he getting to read now?
(MEDIUM) HE HAS BEEN SPENDING TIME IN A PLACE WITH THE HALL OF RECORDS OF LIGHT
(MEDIUM) INTRESTING HAS INFORMATION ABOUT ALL KINDS OF THINGS MANKIND HAS LEARNED
(MEDIUM) WOW CAN ABSORB A BOOK IN MERE SECONDS WOW ALSO THE AUTHOR TRANSMITS THE BOOK TO HIM BY THOUGHT
:)
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS CANT CHECK THAT OUT ON EARTH
(MEDIUM) LOL NO OVERDUE FEES HERE
rofl
:}
:
pls tell him he ws never the one with the overdue fees
lol
(MEDIUM) I AM GETTING AN IMAGE OF A HEART THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU LISA?
yes
it sure does
(MEDIUM) TY
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS I MISSED YOU AND SEND YOU LOVE THROUGH THE ANGELS OVER YOU
(MEDIUM) THEY SEND YOU HEALING NOW TOO
I miss him, I wish he could visit my dreams
I am grateful for the angels
(MEDIUM) I GET TO COME TO YOU WHEN I AM READY I GUESS I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FIND YOU YET ITS VERY BIG UNIVERSE
(MEDIUM) LOL BUT NOT ME I NEVER GET LOST
(MEDIUM) HE HAS A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
yes he always did
hey, I lit a candle Rich!! Follow the light, lol
(MEDIUM) SOMETHING ABOUT BUISNESS USE COMMON SENSE HE SAYS AND JUST LET OTHERS DO THE WORK
I'm trying, Rich...I'm still impulsive, a friend asks about a book of cancer cures?
(MEDIUM) HE WAS LIFTED UP INTO THE LIGHT BY A ANGEL AND THEY SEND ME TO A HEALING PLACE A BEAUTIFUL LOVE FILLED PLACE
(MEDIUM) THEN I LET GO OF MY BODY AND WAS FREE
wow...
Rich you were not in pain then?
I worried about that, how you got on the floor...
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS I WAS IN SUSPENDED TIME OF EXISTENCE EVERYTHING WAS MOTIONLESS UNTIL THE ANGELS CAME
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS HE KNOWS OF ILLNESS AND ANGELS AND WORKING WITH MAN ON CURES
(MEDIUM) IT WILL COME WHEN THEY ARE READY FOR IT
(MEDIUM) OUT OF MY HANDS
Please tell him his daughter Heidi wants to be a cardiologist
The kids miss him
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS THE WAY TO LOVE IS TO KNOW OUR HEARTS ARE ALWAYS ONE IN THOUGHT WHEN APART
You will always be with me, in my heart
(MEDIUM) HE KNOWS OF THE LOSS WITH FAMILY AND HE IS GIVEN REPORTS NEEDS 2 ANGELS FOR HEIDI
LOL That sounds right!
Heidi did need more,
(MEDIUM) I AM BEING PUSHED TO CLEAR FOR OTHERS NOW SAY LOVE TO ALL AND TAKE CARE
(MEDIUM) WALKS TO A LIGHTED HALLWAY WITH MIRRORS OF LIGHTS AND WALKS INTO A MIRRO AND DISAPPEARS
Okay good night Rich, where is your book of poems pls?
shoot
lol
(MEDIUM) END OF READING
TY (MEDIUM) COMMENTS LISA
That was very comforting
I think Rich is still transitioning, that's why he can't find me?
it's only been a few months since Rich crossed is that what he means about learning to find me?
It was very comforting
Several things "clicked"
(MEDIUM) WELL HE IS LEARING ABOUT HIS ASTRAL BODY
(MEDIUM) I DONT KNOW IF ANYONE HAD A LOG ON
I have one
(MEDIUM) WELL THEN SAVE IT FOR FUTURE REFRENCE OF YOUR READING
I will how long should I wait before trying to talk to him again?
(MEDIUM) WELL DIGEST THE INFO TONIGHT AND SPIRIT WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE RIGHT TIME
thank you, it was very soothing Halo
I feel better

So it sounds like you are still transitioning over and maybe you aren?t as tied to the earth as you were before because now you mention getting ?reports? about me and the kids and that you send love to us through the angels? The author, Betty Eadie, mentions that there are guardian angels around us all the time, trying to help us. That?s a comforting concept. I wish YOU were my guardian angel, but I guess that?s just an earthbound type of thought. I?ll never forget you, Rich, or how much I loved you and love you still and how much you meant to me.

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 11:12 AM EDT
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September 8, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I lit a candle for you tonight to bring you closer to us ? well, to let you know that we love you still and that we?ll never forget you.

Today I took some steps?I hope in the right direction. I signed Billy and Kristin up for a bowling league through the police association league. I also stopped at the gym here in Massapequa Park to sign Billy up for boxing lessons. Maybe I will buy a family membership for us. We need to be physically fit, for our own health and peace of mind and also to give the kids something constructive to do. They need to be out among people so that they have a better chance at reaching their potentials?especially Billy. He can do better than those crappy kids that hang out here.

Tonight I met my friend Joanna and her family and we all we to a Chinese buffet. You would have loved it, sweetheart. And what?s really nice is that Joanna?s kids and our kids got along pretty well. Joanna?s husband is very nice, very friendly. I think she said his name was Morris, but there were so many names, I can?t remember them all. Joanna has six kids. Her oldest, Joseph, is JUST like Billy!! They got on famously and so did Heidi and Joanna?s oldest girl, Miriam. Rebecca is about Kristin?s age but I don?t know that they hit it off so well but they weren?t really sitting near each other. There?s another little girl and then a 5 year old named Sarah and another little boy, 3.

We had a wonderful time. I wish you could have been there to enjoy the food. Maybe you were there with us, enjoying it. From reading Embraced by the Light, I?ve read that spirits can be held to the earth by grieving family members. I feel so selfish. Heaven sounds beautiful and I feel guilty about wanting to tie you here. I know you?d be saying I always like to heap the guilt on myself. I should say to you: we will be okay, be free to go and learn all you want to learn but I?m just not ready to let go of you completely yet. Rich, I love you so much. Have we really been together in the past and will you keep your promise to be there for me?

The candle flickers every now and then but still burns. :) It?s like my love for you, steadfast. I?ll always love you.

Me

September 6, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The last bereavement class was last night. Heidi was so sad. I don?t know what?s going on with her. She says she doesn?t know what?s wrong but she?s very depressed. She didn?t sleep well again last night. Luckily we do have a counseling appointment this evening. Maybe she needs to be taking antidepressants?

I have to admit I am still feeling pretty blue myself. I sent out an email to the family just to update them on what?s been happening with us. I really don?t feel like calling anyone although I know I need to call Aunt Terri, Uncle George and Grandma, especially Grandma, because I haven?t even called to see how she?s doing after her surgery! I must remember to do that tonight!

I haven?t been signing my posts again. I just never know where I?m going to leave off?

Yesterday I stopped with how I felt when I read the copies of the medical reports we were taking to Johns Hopkins. I couldn?t tell you what they said but I just felt like I was going to die, too. We went to see this specialist in cardiomyopathy, Dr. Kenneth Baughman. Oh?that was the other thing the doctors said you had, and I?d never heard of it before. Cardiomyopathy? I?ve seen lots of information about it online since.

Dr. Baughman explained what it was by drawing pictures. He was honest and didn?t hide any information from us. At that point, I believe he even said life expectancy was about five years but he wanted to bring you in to run further tests. By this time, you have a very noticeable galloping heart beat. I could see your pulse in your throat and sometimes I could see your chest heaving. Once or twice, you shook the beat because your heart was beating so hard. I?d never encountered anything like it in my life. What Dr. Baughman told us was scary even though we appreciated knowing the truth. We went home and both of us cried. It couldn?t be happening to us?not this?not when we had a new baby, a new car, and were so happy together!

I?m back from lunch. I went out in a pissy mood because there was no place to eat (our lunch room was taken over for a meeting and the evaluation room was full of stuff) so I went outside and I started reading Embraced By the Light. Whoa! What an amazing book! I can see why critics say it can turn your life around ? and I understand a little better some of the psychic readings earlier in which your death would have happened no matter what?it was meant to be. There was a lot of useful stuff in there about depression and despair and I just wondered if kids can read this book? I?ll have to find out ?

I love you, darling. I always will,
Me

September 5, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Well, today is the first day of school. Heidi and Kristin got off to school today without a hitch but I had to drive Billy. We waited and waited for the bus to come, right up to 7:30, and then we found out that the high school bus doesn?t come INTO the Cameo. Billy has to walk out to the corner of Carmans? and Townhouse Drive.

Billy seemed a little out of sorts with it all but we saw him off to his first period class. I think all the kids were tired. I know I didn?t sleep well. I had a major attack of something as I tried to sleep last night. It was really strong lower abdominal pain, like a severe gas attack, but I?d just gone so I couldn?t figure out why. I?m still uncomfortable but it?s not like it was last night.

It?s fifteen weeks today, and I decided I was going to try Weight Watchers again. :P Yeah, I know ? but I don?t know what else to do and we?d done so well with it last year. I could use the support, too, you know? I think I?ll sign up for 10 weeks anyway, at $8.95 and the registration is free. Maybe I?ll just go there to get weighed in. I don?t have to stay for the whole thing.

It?s a beautiful fall day, and it seems like fall was always ?our? season. We started to go out in the fall (October 1, 1983), we married in the fall ? we always loved the fall holidays, and it was in the fall that we first learned you were really sick. Summer was nice after you got well but sometime in there?August, September, I?m not sure which, I became aware that your ?cold? was back. You were snoring like a buzz saw. I couldn?t sleep with you in the room. You looked pale and ill and you kept coughing?and you wouldn?t go to the doctor, no matter how much I nagged you. Not for a little cold, you said.

We went to Long Island in October for your cousin Dianne?s wedding. The weather was gorgeous. It was nice and balmy, and the fall colors were brilliant. I took lots of pictures with you and Billy outdoors. I remember thinking then that something was wrong with you and that you wouldn?t live long. I got pretty depressed about that. I don?t know what made me think it. You were still insisting that you had just a cold although your whole family remarked on the snoring and the labored breathing. You couldn?t even sleep lying down. You had to sit up. I had a really bad feeling about all that.

It went on into November, with us fighting over this. I wanted you to go to the doctor; you kept saying no. We had a big blizzard on Veterans Day that kept us all home from work and school. You?d get so out of breath, you couldn?t even walk more than a few steps without stopping. It was scary. Finally I got you to agree to go to the doctor the next day, snow storm or no snow storm. And the doctor took Xrays because he didn?t like what he heard. I didn?t like it either. Your voice had taken on a quality I?d heard once before?with my Uncle Bjorn, when he was having congestive heart failure.

The doctor called that night and said you should be admitted to the hospital but you didn?t want to go. ?But this is his heart,? the doctor insisted. ?It?s enlarged and we have to find out why.? WHY were you so stubborn about getting help? I don?t understand! That night I was afraid you would die. You were so cold. I suggested a warm bath to help keep you warm. I kept praying for you not to die.

The next day I was so relieved that you were okay. My parents came to watch Billy while I took you to the hospital for an echocardiogram. While we were there, you collapsed and had to be rushed to the emergency room. They gave you a shot of lasix and almost immediately you began peeing. They were running all kinds of tests on you and finally when the doctor came to see me, I just asked, ?Does he have congestive heart failure??

The doctor looked at me, surprised, and then answered softly, ?yes, he does have heart failure.? They were going to admit you to the CCU but the doctor didn?t want you to know what you were in for. I couldn?t believe it! You kept asking, ?what?s wrong with me? Why am I on the cardiac floor? Why won?t they tell me anything?? and I just felt awful lying to you.

?Something?s wrong with you heart,? I said evasively. ?You know the doctor said it was enlarged. They have to find out why.? And I kept asking the doctor WHEN were we going to tell you? And he?d say not yet, not yet. Being in the hospital does strange things to a frightened young man, I think. You were in the hospital about a week and at some point all of a sudden you wanted to make love. You were incredibly aroused and I figured, well, what the hell, locked the door and gave you some relief with oral sex. Actually it was pretty funny when you look back on it.

At the end of the week, you were stabilized and the doctors decided to release you. You didn?t really trust either of them and you were pretty mad about the whole thing. Then we saw the discharge papers and it said ?congestive heart failure? and you got mad at me. ?You knew this and didn?t tell me?? I could understand why you were mad. I was only doing what the doctors said to do though.

Maybe that contributed to your resistance to being referred to Johns Hopkins Hospital. The cardiologist wanted you to go and scheduled you an appointment; you refused. The specialist at Hopkins himself called and talked to you on the phone, convincing you to come for the appointment. I?ll never forget how I felt when I picked up your medical records to take to Hopkins. I opened it up and read it and about died. The report said your heart was working to only 20% capacity; that it was very enlarged and that you would be a prime heart transplant candidate. I couldn?t believe this was happening to us.

Widow Support Board

I cannot believe my lover and my best friend is gone either and it's been 15
weeks.
You don't have get rid of your husband's clothes and stuff. The only thing
of Rich's I threw out was his old ripped up underwear (someone else always
needed something first --ain't that the way it goes?). One idea for clothes
is to have them made into something, like a pillow or a stuffed bear. I have
two of Rich's shirts that were cut--one by the paramedics and one by the
funeral home. And those two shirts I'm going to use the fabric and either
send them away to make teddy bears with them or I'm going to let my daughter
make them into pillows in Home Ec (she said she wanted to so if she still
does, she has first dibs).
My husband's clothes are still all over the house. I have no plans on
getting rid of them.

September 4, 2001
Well, sweetheart, it?s been a real bitch of a weekend and I don?t feel much better this morning. Janet called late last night. I was still up ? it was almost midnight and I talked to her awhile. I told her what happened. She didn?t know about all that other stuff that happened?that the house was egged, that the kids catcall to Billy from the street and make fun of him, we get hangup calls and knock-and-runs and so on. She felt that I should just forget about it?and I will, eventually.

She also said that Mrs. D wasn?t telling every person and I said oh, yes, she was, and then Janet said there?d been talk in the neighborhood that I should know about ? this family that leaves directly across from Janet, the Dunns, have two or three boys. Mr. Dunn claims that he caught Billy trying to take a skateboard off his deck.

I was furious. First of all, I don?t know if it?s true or not. Billy is not entirely truthful and he can be spiteful when he?s angry (which is why I think he took David?s skateboard apart to use the parts). Yet at the same time I know he?s not been going out with these kids like he used to and so I?m wondering, WHEN did this happen? And why is everyone talking about it behind my back and not to my face?

Janet began to tell me that I need to impress on Billy how serious it is that he took the stuff off David?s skateboard and I became resentful and said I DID that. I also told Billy it was a STUPID thing to do in addition to being wrong because now, instead of being able to tell this bastard?s mother, well, your kid participates with other kids in throwing skateboards against my door I have to defend my son, the neighborhood thief.

This is just great. Well, YOU don?t have to worry about it, do you? This is just MY problem now.

Widow Support Board

You know, kid problems are magnified when there is only ONE parent to deal
with all the bullshit!
My son has never fit in. He's very bright and also very obnoxious. He is not
athletic. When kids make fun of him for being overweight he comes back with
a put down that would make Einstein proud but the kids are offended because
(a) they realize they've been insulted and (b) worse, they don't understand
the insult because they don't understand the words. So. They throw eggs at
the house, play prank phone calls, knock and run, stupid crap like that.
About 10 days ago, we were all watching TV (it had just gotten dark) when
BAM! there went something at the door that scared us all half to death. Of
course by the time we got to the door all we saw was white tee shirts and
the backs of heads running away. And there was a skateboard...someone threw
a skateboard at our door.
I said, fine, let the coward come claim it if he wants it and brought the
damn thing inside where it became part of the dining room furniture (I
forgot about it).
And then yesterday, Mrs. Irate Mom is at my door with her kid and she is
accusing my son of stealing the skateboard. So I said, no, he did not it was
MY idea to bring it inside because someone threw it against our door. She
got self righteous and said, "Oh yeah? Then why are the wheels on YOUR son's
skateboard?"
I looked at Billy, who at least had the good grace to look mortified.
"WHAT?"
He says, "Well, Mom, I just thought that so much time went by no one was
ever going to come get it."
I told him it didn't give him the right to strip the skateboard; it didn't
belong to us. So he returned the skateboard, intact, to the brat and I told
Mrs. Irate Mom that while I was sorry Billy had taken it apart I was pretty
sick and tired of the harassment.
She said coldly, "I have NO idea what you're going through."
That's right, bitch.
She then proceeded to go door to door and stop neighbors to warn them to
watch out for their kids' stuff. If I'd had a bat I would be in jail now.
Later that night the little monsters congregated to catcall to my son. I
called the cops. F*ck em. I don't know what I more more angry about--these
frigging kids, what my son did, or my husband dying and leaving me ALONE to
deal with this shit!!!!

Labor Day, September 3, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Well another fun day in Hell. I still don?t feel well. I figured I would take the kids to the park anyway. Billy wanted to do some fishing. Before we could leave, David D?s mother came to the door. Some time ago, we were all sitting here one night and heard this crash against our stoop or at the door. Heidi and Billy ran out and, of course, they couldn?t tell who was running away but there was a skateboard out there. So I told them to bring it in. Let the coward who threw it come and claim it, I figured. Billy said it was possible David didn?t know someone took his skateboard but I didn?t care. I?m sick of the knock-and-runs, the prank calls, the rotten kids calling Billy from outside to come on out and get beat up. That was David?s cousin, and I had to call his father to come get the brats.

Anyway, in the meanwhile, Billy took stuff off David?s skateboard and was using it for his own. So David?s mother came over and accused Billy of being a thief. I was mad at Billy and apologized to the bitch and also explained about the pranks and I wanted to hold the skateboard to see who would come get it. ?It?s not that kind of neighborhood,? she says. Yeah. The other kids can leave their stuff lying around and bother us?that?s the kind of neighborhood it is. Great.

And then the bitch proceeds to tell every neighbor she can find about what happened, including Janet.

Fuck them all.

Except for Janet and the neighbors on the corner (who also rent from the Landlords) only one other person ever stopped me to offer condolences and help. Even Phil and Miriam next door kept their distance until I said something to them. And on the opposite corner, where Wanda, her husband and two little girls live, I?ll be SHE is the one who called social services on us that time when Heidi was screaming out of control. These people make me want to puke. The only reason I want to stay is because I feel that you are here. I just wish you?d put your arms around me and hug me. I am so lonely without you.

I have the children. Suicide is not an option.

September 2, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Here it is Labor Day weekend and you are not here. I was trying to remember how we celebrated Labor Day last year and I just couldn?t. I have been so out of it. I have been really down and withdrawn. I don?t know if it?s just me or missing you?I haven?t felt much like going out anywhere. I did spend a great deal of the weekend trying to clean, thoroughly clean the house. It looks a little better and I feel a little better about it.

The kids were talking about which season they like best of all. I don?t know if I?ll ever feel the same about spring again. Spring is when there is supposed to be renewal and new life?and you died. I just have trouble with it sometimes, my love. That last day just seemed so much like any other day, and there were things that you wanted to do?I know I?ve said this before and I?m just repeating myself. I was supposed to go over to Robin?s but begged off. I actually didn?t feel very well today. Kristin finished up cleaning in our room. I looked at a few pictures of you, thinking how difficult it still is to take in that you really, truly are not coming back. How can this be? It?s mind boggling this weekend.

Rich, I miss you so much.

Love you always,
Me

Widow Pet Peeves 8/31/01
This is my pet peeve....when I am asked for my marital status, I have two or
three choices:
1. Married
2. Single
Occasionally there's a third category:
3. Partnered for life
This shit is probably petty but you know what? I am NOT single. But try to
put down married, especially if you're filling out an internet form, i.e.
for insurance rate comparisons or to fill out market research surveys.
I put down married and can't go anywhere because then they want my husband's
vitals. So...do I make like he's alive?
Lately I've been emailing and/or calling customer service and bitching about
it.
Like I said, I realize it's not a significant deal but it does hit my hot
button.
Ya know what? My junk mail from dating services/porn
places/wanna-find-someone-special places has quadrupled. And I'm NOT ready
for this crap, I only just lost my husband and he WAS real at one time.
Grrr...

August 29, 2001
Guess what, Rich?

Billy has his high school orientation this morning. I dropped him off at about 8:45 and left him enough cab fare to get back home. Can you believe it? The first of our kids is in high school now. Actually, this year we have a child at each level. Heidi is at the junior high school and Kristin is still at the elementary school.

Labor Day is coming up on us fast. Some days I think that I want to invite people over for a barbecue. I thought about contacting Robin, Cheryl and Nancy to see if they want to come over one day. I thought about asking Steven and Ann to come over with their kids. Other days I think I?d just rather be left alone. Guess I?ll just wait until the last minute ?

We haven?t gone to Pennsylvania yet. I don?t think it?s going to happen for a while. Things get busy in September, and then Elfie will be coming for about a week or so. I think I?ll put her in Heidi?s room and have Heidi sleep in the room with us. We?ll be okay.

Just talked for a long time with Joan here at work. She is the one who lost her husband at a young age and then ended up remarrying. She asked if it didn?t seem strange for the world to seem to go on as usual when my life was so turned upside down and I was struck by how accurately she pinpointed it. I do feel like an alien sometimes. The only place I don?t is with other widows and widowers. I can?t imagine being with another man at all. The very idea is repugnant to me. Joan was widowed for 6 years before she remarried. I can?t even imagine it. I believe that life goes on after death and although I miss you so terribly I know that at least you are safe and not in pain.

August 28, 2001
Hi baby,

School starts next week, and I cannot believe that Labor Day weekend is approaching so quickly! I guess I am glad in a way. I am still in a fog a lot of the time but I know that this is the summer from hell, the worst ever. We had a pretty decent counseling session with Roseanne last night, I think, addressing Heidi?s anger issues and the kids? general lack of respect for each other. I?m hoping we make some progress there.

Heidi?s friend Sharon came over and spent the night with us. I feel bad for that kid but I don?t think I?d ever let Heidi stay over there again?not after what happened in that family. I know it?s not Sharon?s fault but I would never know if that aunt was there or any other weird relative. Poor kid.

Kristin had a really rough time last night, really missing you and crying for a long time. She said she couldn?t sew anymore because she didn?t know how and you used to encourage her. I told her that I wasn?t you but I could help her. She said it wasn?t fair and I agreed with her. It?s NOT fair. It?s NOT fair she didn?t get to give you the Father?s Day gift she made. It?s NOT fair that she didn?t get to share the McDonald?s ice cream tickets she won with you.

The people here at work are so kind. I got a card from five of the women who work here and there was money inside to help buy stuff for the kids. I was so overwhelmed I went into the ladies room and just cried. I am so grateful for the kindness and compassion of people, but oh, God, I miss you so much, Rich. I would much rather have you here beside me. I miss you holding me more than I could ever say. I want to be able to put my arms around you again, even if it?s just once, in a dream that I could remember.

I love and miss you so much, my darling,
Me