September 5, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Well, today is the first day of school. Heidi and Kristin got off to school today without a hitch but I had to drive Billy. We waited and waited for the bus to come, right up to 7:30, and then we found out that the high school bus doesn?t come INTO the Cameo. Billy has to walk out to the corner of Carmans? and Townhouse Drive.

Billy seemed a little out of sorts with it all but we saw him off to his first period class. I think all the kids were tired. I know I didn?t sleep well. I had a major attack of something as I tried to sleep last night. It was really strong lower abdominal pain, like a severe gas attack, but I?d just gone so I couldn?t figure out why. I?m still uncomfortable but it?s not like it was last night.

It?s fifteen weeks today, and I decided I was going to try Weight Watchers again. :P Yeah, I know ? but I don?t know what else to do and we?d done so well with it last year. I could use the support, too, you know? I think I?ll sign up for 10 weeks anyway, at $8.95 and the registration is free. Maybe I?ll just go there to get weighed in. I don?t have to stay for the whole thing.

It?s a beautiful fall day, and it seems like fall was always ?our? season. We started to go out in the fall (October 1, 1983), we married in the fall ? we always loved the fall holidays, and it was in the fall that we first learned you were really sick. Summer was nice after you got well but sometime in there?August, September, I?m not sure which, I became aware that your ?cold? was back. You were snoring like a buzz saw. I couldn?t sleep with you in the room. You looked pale and ill and you kept coughing?and you wouldn?t go to the doctor, no matter how much I nagged you. Not for a little cold, you said.

We went to Long Island in October for your cousin Dianne?s wedding. The weather was gorgeous. It was nice and balmy, and the fall colors were brilliant. I took lots of pictures with you and Billy outdoors. I remember thinking then that something was wrong with you and that you wouldn?t live long. I got pretty depressed about that. I don?t know what made me think it. You were still insisting that you had just a cold although your whole family remarked on the snoring and the labored breathing. You couldn?t even sleep lying down. You had to sit up. I had a really bad feeling about all that.

It went on into November, with us fighting over this. I wanted you to go to the doctor; you kept saying no. We had a big blizzard on Veterans Day that kept us all home from work and school. You?d get so out of breath, you couldn?t even walk more than a few steps without stopping. It was scary. Finally I got you to agree to go to the doctor the next day, snow storm or no snow storm. And the doctor took Xrays because he didn?t like what he heard. I didn?t like it either. Your voice had taken on a quality I?d heard once before?with my Uncle Bjorn, when he was having congestive heart failure.

The doctor called that night and said you should be admitted to the hospital but you didn?t want to go. ?But this is his heart,? the doctor insisted. ?It?s enlarged and we have to find out why.? WHY were you so stubborn about getting help? I don?t understand! That night I was afraid you would die. You were so cold. I suggested a warm bath to help keep you warm. I kept praying for you not to die.

The next day I was so relieved that you were okay. My parents came to watch Billy while I took you to the hospital for an echocardiogram. While we were there, you collapsed and had to be rushed to the emergency room. They gave you a shot of lasix and almost immediately you began peeing. They were running all kinds of tests on you and finally when the doctor came to see me, I just asked, ?Does he have congestive heart failure??

The doctor looked at me, surprised, and then answered softly, ?yes, he does have heart failure.? They were going to admit you to the CCU but the doctor didn?t want you to know what you were in for. I couldn?t believe it! You kept asking, ?what?s wrong with me? Why am I on the cardiac floor? Why won?t they tell me anything?? and I just felt awful lying to you.

?Something?s wrong with you heart,? I said evasively. ?You know the doctor said it was enlarged. They have to find out why.? And I kept asking the doctor WHEN were we going to tell you? And he?d say not yet, not yet. Being in the hospital does strange things to a frightened young man, I think. You were in the hospital about a week and at some point all of a sudden you wanted to make love. You were incredibly aroused and I figured, well, what the hell, locked the door and gave you some relief with oral sex. Actually it was pretty funny when you look back on it.

At the end of the week, you were stabilized and the doctors decided to release you. You didn?t really trust either of them and you were pretty mad about the whole thing. Then we saw the discharge papers and it said ?congestive heart failure? and you got mad at me. ?You knew this and didn?t tell me?? I could understand why you were mad. I was only doing what the doctors said to do though.

Maybe that contributed to your resistance to being referred to Johns Hopkins Hospital. The cardiologist wanted you to go and scheduled you an appointment; you refused. The specialist at Hopkins himself called and talked to you on the phone, convincing you to come for the appointment. I?ll never forget how I felt when I picked up your medical records to take to Hopkins. I opened it up and read it and about died. The report said your heart was working to only 20% capacity; that it was very enlarged and that you would be a prime heart transplant candidate. I couldn?t believe this was happening to us.

Widow Support Board

I cannot believe my lover and my best friend is gone either and it's been 15
weeks.
You don't have get rid of your husband's clothes and stuff. The only thing
of Rich's I threw out was his old ripped up underwear (someone else always
needed something first --ain't that the way it goes?). One idea for clothes
is to have them made into something, like a pillow or a stuffed bear. I have
two of Rich's shirts that were cut--one by the paramedics and one by the
funeral home. And those two shirts I'm going to use the fabric and either
send them away to make teddy bears with them or I'm going to let my daughter
make them into pillows in Home Ec (she said she wanted to so if she still
does, she has first dibs).
My husband's clothes are still all over the house. I have no plans on
getting rid of them.

September 4, 2001
Well, sweetheart, it?s been a real bitch of a weekend and I don?t feel much better this morning. Janet called late last night. I was still up ? it was almost midnight and I talked to her awhile. I told her what happened. She didn?t know about all that other stuff that happened?that the house was egged, that the kids catcall to Billy from the street and make fun of him, we get hangup calls and knock-and-runs and so on. She felt that I should just forget about it?and I will, eventually.

She also said that Mrs. D wasn?t telling every person and I said oh, yes, she was, and then Janet said there?d been talk in the neighborhood that I should know about ? this family that leaves directly across from Janet, the Dunns, have two or three boys. Mr. Dunn claims that he caught Billy trying to take a skateboard off his deck.

I was furious. First of all, I don?t know if it?s true or not. Billy is not entirely truthful and he can be spiteful when he?s angry (which is why I think he took David?s skateboard apart to use the parts). Yet at the same time I know he?s not been going out with these kids like he used to and so I?m wondering, WHEN did this happen? And why is everyone talking about it behind my back and not to my face?

Janet began to tell me that I need to impress on Billy how serious it is that he took the stuff off David?s skateboard and I became resentful and said I DID that. I also told Billy it was a STUPID thing to do in addition to being wrong because now, instead of being able to tell this bastard?s mother, well, your kid participates with other kids in throwing skateboards against my door I have to defend my son, the neighborhood thief.

This is just great. Well, YOU don?t have to worry about it, do you? This is just MY problem now.

Widow Support Board

You know, kid problems are magnified when there is only ONE parent to deal
with all the bullshit!
My son has never fit in. He's very bright and also very obnoxious. He is not
athletic. When kids make fun of him for being overweight he comes back with
a put down that would make Einstein proud but the kids are offended because
(a) they realize they've been insulted and (b) worse, they don't understand
the insult because they don't understand the words. So. They throw eggs at
the house, play prank phone calls, knock and run, stupid crap like that.
About 10 days ago, we were all watching TV (it had just gotten dark) when
BAM! there went something at the door that scared us all half to death. Of
course by the time we got to the door all we saw was white tee shirts and
the backs of heads running away. And there was a skateboard...someone threw
a skateboard at our door.
I said, fine, let the coward come claim it if he wants it and brought the
damn thing inside where it became part of the dining room furniture (I
forgot about it).
And then yesterday, Mrs. Irate Mom is at my door with her kid and she is
accusing my son of stealing the skateboard. So I said, no, he did not it was
MY idea to bring it inside because someone threw it against our door. She
got self righteous and said, "Oh yeah? Then why are the wheels on YOUR son's
skateboard?"
I looked at Billy, who at least had the good grace to look mortified.
"WHAT?"
He says, "Well, Mom, I just thought that so much time went by no one was
ever going to come get it."
I told him it didn't give him the right to strip the skateboard; it didn't
belong to us. So he returned the skateboard, intact, to the brat and I told
Mrs. Irate Mom that while I was sorry Billy had taken it apart I was pretty
sick and tired of the harassment.
She said coldly, "I have NO idea what you're going through."
That's right, bitch.
She then proceeded to go door to door and stop neighbors to warn them to
watch out for their kids' stuff. If I'd had a bat I would be in jail now.
Later that night the little monsters congregated to catcall to my son. I
called the cops. F*ck em. I don't know what I more more angry about--these
frigging kids, what my son did, or my husband dying and leaving me ALONE to
deal with this shit!!!!

Labor Day, September 3, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Well another fun day in Hell. I still don?t feel well. I figured I would take the kids to the park anyway. Billy wanted to do some fishing. Before we could leave, David D?s mother came to the door. Some time ago, we were all sitting here one night and heard this crash against our stoop or at the door. Heidi and Billy ran out and, of course, they couldn?t tell who was running away but there was a skateboard out there. So I told them to bring it in. Let the coward who threw it come and claim it, I figured. Billy said it was possible David didn?t know someone took his skateboard but I didn?t care. I?m sick of the knock-and-runs, the prank calls, the rotten kids calling Billy from outside to come on out and get beat up. That was David?s cousin, and I had to call his father to come get the brats.

Anyway, in the meanwhile, Billy took stuff off David?s skateboard and was using it for his own. So David?s mother came over and accused Billy of being a thief. I was mad at Billy and apologized to the bitch and also explained about the pranks and I wanted to hold the skateboard to see who would come get it. ?It?s not that kind of neighborhood,? she says. Yeah. The other kids can leave their stuff lying around and bother us?that?s the kind of neighborhood it is. Great.

And then the bitch proceeds to tell every neighbor she can find about what happened, including Janet.

Fuck them all.

Except for Janet and the neighbors on the corner (who also rent from the Landlords) only one other person ever stopped me to offer condolences and help. Even Phil and Miriam next door kept their distance until I said something to them. And on the opposite corner, where Wanda, her husband and two little girls live, I?ll be SHE is the one who called social services on us that time when Heidi was screaming out of control. These people make me want to puke. The only reason I want to stay is because I feel that you are here. I just wish you?d put your arms around me and hug me. I am so lonely without you.

I have the children. Suicide is not an option.

September 2, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Here it is Labor Day weekend and you are not here. I was trying to remember how we celebrated Labor Day last year and I just couldn?t. I have been so out of it. I have been really down and withdrawn. I don?t know if it?s just me or missing you?I haven?t felt much like going out anywhere. I did spend a great deal of the weekend trying to clean, thoroughly clean the house. It looks a little better and I feel a little better about it.

The kids were talking about which season they like best of all. I don?t know if I?ll ever feel the same about spring again. Spring is when there is supposed to be renewal and new life?and you died. I just have trouble with it sometimes, my love. That last day just seemed so much like any other day, and there were things that you wanted to do?I know I?ve said this before and I?m just repeating myself. I was supposed to go over to Robin?s but begged off. I actually didn?t feel very well today. Kristin finished up cleaning in our room. I looked at a few pictures of you, thinking how difficult it still is to take in that you really, truly are not coming back. How can this be? It?s mind boggling this weekend.

Rich, I miss you so much.

Love you always,
Me

Widow Pet Peeves 8/31/01
This is my pet peeve....when I am asked for my marital status, I have two or
three choices:
1. Married
2. Single
Occasionally there's a third category:
3. Partnered for life
This shit is probably petty but you know what? I am NOT single. But try to
put down married, especially if you're filling out an internet form, i.e.
for insurance rate comparisons or to fill out market research surveys.
I put down married and can't go anywhere because then they want my husband's
vitals. So...do I make like he's alive?
Lately I've been emailing and/or calling customer service and bitching about
it.
Like I said, I realize it's not a significant deal but it does hit my hot
button.
Ya know what? My junk mail from dating services/porn
places/wanna-find-someone-special places has quadrupled. And I'm NOT ready
for this crap, I only just lost my husband and he WAS real at one time.
Grrr...

August 29, 2001
Guess what, Rich?

Billy has his high school orientation this morning. I dropped him off at about 8:45 and left him enough cab fare to get back home. Can you believe it? The first of our kids is in high school now. Actually, this year we have a child at each level. Heidi is at the junior high school and Kristin is still at the elementary school.

Labor Day is coming up on us fast. Some days I think that I want to invite people over for a barbecue. I thought about contacting Robin, Cheryl and Nancy to see if they want to come over one day. I thought about asking Steven and Ann to come over with their kids. Other days I think I?d just rather be left alone. Guess I?ll just wait until the last minute ?

We haven?t gone to Pennsylvania yet. I don?t think it?s going to happen for a while. Things get busy in September, and then Elfie will be coming for about a week or so. I think I?ll put her in Heidi?s room and have Heidi sleep in the room with us. We?ll be okay.

Just talked for a long time with Joan here at work. She is the one who lost her husband at a young age and then ended up remarrying. She asked if it didn?t seem strange for the world to seem to go on as usual when my life was so turned upside down and I was struck by how accurately she pinpointed it. I do feel like an alien sometimes. The only place I don?t is with other widows and widowers. I can?t imagine being with another man at all. The very idea is repugnant to me. Joan was widowed for 6 years before she remarried. I can?t even imagine it. I believe that life goes on after death and although I miss you so terribly I know that at least you are safe and not in pain.

August 28, 2001
Hi baby,

School starts next week, and I cannot believe that Labor Day weekend is approaching so quickly! I guess I am glad in a way. I am still in a fog a lot of the time but I know that this is the summer from hell, the worst ever. We had a pretty decent counseling session with Roseanne last night, I think, addressing Heidi?s anger issues and the kids? general lack of respect for each other. I?m hoping we make some progress there.

Heidi?s friend Sharon came over and spent the night with us. I feel bad for that kid but I don?t think I?d ever let Heidi stay over there again?not after what happened in that family. I know it?s not Sharon?s fault but I would never know if that aunt was there or any other weird relative. Poor kid.

Kristin had a really rough time last night, really missing you and crying for a long time. She said she couldn?t sew anymore because she didn?t know how and you used to encourage her. I told her that I wasn?t you but I could help her. She said it wasn?t fair and I agreed with her. It?s NOT fair. It?s NOT fair she didn?t get to give you the Father?s Day gift she made. It?s NOT fair that she didn?t get to share the McDonald?s ice cream tickets she won with you.

The people here at work are so kind. I got a card from five of the women who work here and there was money inside to help buy stuff for the kids. I was so overwhelmed I went into the ladies room and just cried. I am so grateful for the kindness and compassion of people, but oh, God, I miss you so much, Rich. I would much rather have you here beside me. I miss you holding me more than I could ever say. I want to be able to put my arms around you again, even if it?s just once, in a dream that I could remember.

I love and miss you so much, my darling,
Me

August 27, 2001
August 27, 2001

I?ve been having a crazy time of it, sweetie. I really wish I could talk to you face to face and hear what you think about all this. Last week, one of the clients at work called. She walked off her on-site internship and then called me via the relay to tell me she?d done it. She was really upset about her internship, didn?t feel comfortable about it and said the boss was ?looking at her?. I don?t remember exactly what I told her but when she met with her counselor she mentioned sexual harassment and Sally said, ?where did you hear that?? and she said, ?From Cassie.? Thanks, Jen. So now Sally is in an uproar over it and I called and left a message with her.

I?m also supposed to put a stop payment on that $2000 check I left with Charlie. The more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I became. I called Cathy, the realtor, because there was still no sign of a lease and I was worried that since Charlie was having it written by his lawyer he?d get all weird on me. I also told Cathy about all the changes, and she was horrified. After I talked to her, Mrs. Landlord called and apparently they do want to negotiate and keep renting to me. The more I thought about it, the more I felt it would be really dumb to move. I kept calling to you to see what you thought.

I called Cathy back yesterday to cancel the binder and she contacted the R's. They were really mad and don?t understand why they have to give the checkback; they already deposited it. They don?t see it that they did an unfair number on me by changing the information on the agreement and forcing me to give them a $2000 check instead of a $200 one. I?m sooo confused. I placed a call to the bank and the woman is going to see what she can do to help me and then call back. If it doesn?t work out I?m going to have to go to a bank branch.

Help!

Well?I just got back. At least the check has been stopped.
Love you, miss you,
Me

9/21/03 ... and this is why most major decisions should be put off for the first year. I re-read these entries and realized how out of it I really was. What a disaster if we had moved!

August 23, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I was wide awake at around four or so this morning. I?m not sure why. I was thinking about you and looking for you. I looked into the corner of our bedroom and called to you in my mind. I kind of expected you to show up, but I didn?t give it long enough or I just don?t know how to do this because I could feel myself becoming stressed. I thought about getting up and realized how much sleep I?d miss and how miserable I?d feel.

About five, I felt stronger this need to go downstairs. Billy was down there and I wondered if something had happened to him. I went downstairs and he was sleeping peacefully so that wasn?t it. Then I thought, well, Rich, you died down here, maybe you would show up down here? But I couldn?t focus and nothing happened. I wondered if you were trying to come through and communicate?I wish I knew what to do. I miss you so much.

I came to work and tried meditating. I got a mental image of your face and called to you inwardly. I also tried praying to God to let me know that you are all right. I guess I?m just not concentrating right. I feel really yucky today, very sleepy and out of it. I wish I knew what was going on.

August 22, 2001
Hi sweetie,

You know what? I think today was my grandma?s birthday. It seems to me it was sometime in August. I should check that date because I was thinking to myself, I wonder if you?ve met her? I wonder how my grandma and my two uncles are doing?
Today it?s 13 weeks and that fog of Novocain has descended on me again. I was pretty miserable this weekend, either crying or just filled with this malaise. I really need to get moving and start packing but I?m not looking forward to it. :P

Heidi called last night and I have a feeling she really wanted to talk to me. I talked to her about what she?s been doing and she told me that Katherine emailed her?remember Katherine? After all these years! What a coincidence; it turns out that Katherine was in Emma?s camp. Small world, eh?

God, Rich, I just miss you so much. I miss us talking in the car in the mornings and even in the afternoon coming home. I know sometimes I was a little annoyed with your chattiness but I would take all of that annoyance back now. I would take back every mean thing I ever said to you. I guess I still have trouble believing that this even happened.