August 14, 2001
Good morning Rich,

Oh dear, the evening ended badly and began badly. Why do I let the little things make me so angry steam pours out of my ears? I belong to a Widow Net support group and until yesterday I thought it was helping me. A couple of weeks ago (I may have written you about this) someone named Ted joined the list and said that his wife died in his arms (and the day she died seemed to be about the time that you died) so I responded to him ON the list just saying that he would make friends and that the list had friendly helpful people.

This was his response, and he included my post:

thanks for the note.. I am very glad to meet you too.. you
sound real sweet...
write me anytime.or whatever.. Sounds like our spouses have been gone a
similar time..
so maybe we can relate a lot of this contemporary feeling...


Love

Ted

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, July 30, 2001 9:18 PM
Subject: Re: [widow] new guy on the block who lost a beautiful young
wife..too soon


> Hello, Ted,
>
> I'm sorry to greet a new friend under these circumstances, sorry for what
> brought us all here together. This is a great list. I have found many
> friends here, lots of support and understanding. My husband had a heart
> condition for a long time, since 1987. He was in stable condition for so
> long I suppose we just sort of lived with it on the back burner...hard to
> explain it. We have three kids, 14, 12, and 9--and this was after the
doctor
> said don't have kids, don't buy a house, he won't be around very long.
Rich
> went to a cardiologist for his check ups and stuff like that but after the
> first five years we stopped thinking of it as a potentially live
threatening
> illness...well, surprise...a real unpleasant one. I have had some flashes
> of deep agonizing pain but I'm still finding myself numb sometimes.
> Sometimes (even now) I think to myself, oh, this is all just an act I'm
> putting on and none of it is happening. I know it IS, I don't know who I
> think I'm kidding. Anyway, you'll make friends when you start posting and
> we start getting to know each other.
>
> Me
> Missing Rich
> 8/4/60 - 5/23/01
> Near, far, wherever you are
> I believe that the heart does go on...
>

His response to me made me really uncomfortable! ?Love, Ted?? I had the feeling he might just be trolling for a girlfriend. I wasn?t so sure he was a widower at all after all. And then I began hearing from other women who?d gotten private emails from this Ted character. All of us had responded to him on the list; he responded to all of us privately. We tried to figure out what to do. Meanwhile, even though I hadn?t written him back, he sent me his picture!

All of that took place around July 30-31 and when Maggie did nothing and Ted didn?t seem to post any more we let it go. Then a new guy named Walter came on, apparently from a foreign country, and apparently looking for a new bride. One person told him this isn?t a dating service, Ted came to his defense and then there was open warfare. And then Maggie had the nerve to come on and say that anything was allowed on the list. When I mentioned it would be nice to have spoiler warnings so that I could delete the trolling messages she responded sarcastically it was a good idea so I fired off an angry email to her that condoning Ted and Walter?s behavior of privately contacting women to pester them was like condoning a ?feel up? session on a train. She said I was over-reacting. I said fine, I?ll just lurk from now on. And I?m just so furious that she would take that attitude!

I?m also furious at myself for giving a damn. Who cares about these people anyway? Who needs them? I wonder if I?m back to my ACOA behavior of trying to create a crisis to keep me going?

Another worry, about Heidi: she?s taking benedryl to help her sleep. She took Dr. Dimeo?s advice to heart and I don?t know how many she takes but I talked her into giving the pills to Sue. Have to get her into counseling when she gets back and to see a doctor for an evaluation. Maybe she does need another antidepressant now.

On the happy news front?I wanted to try and end on an up note :) Cathy called and said that Charlie does want to rent to us and so I am going to meet with them to read over the lease, the monthly expenses, ask any questions and express any concerns. Wish us luck, my darling,

Somehow I believe you have been with us all the way. Help guide me in the right direction, dearest.

I will always love you and miss you,
Always and forever,
Me


Widow Support Board:
(((((((Sad Eyes))))))))
There are a couple of songs that affect me this way.
The first one is the last song Rich and I really listened to together, "I Hope You Dance". The lyrics meant a lot to him. He was tired of being limited in doing what he wanted to do. He talked about getting out more, trying to be with friends and family more often. He wanted to dance.
Another one (luckily I haven't heard this one in a while) is "Grow Old Along With Me". Both of us loved that song and took it to heart.
There are more of them..."Because You Loved Me"..."For the Longest Time"..."Stand By Me"...many of them! When I come on, I listen to them and remember Rich and cry.

August 13, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Was that you enveloping me in warmth as I drove off the Toyota parking lot with our van? It felt like a hug. I believe it was you. You were glad that I got the van, weren?t you? It was a wild experience but, Rich, I have gone back to letting people know that I am a woman to be reckoned with! I am woman, hear me roar! I hope you are proud.

When I got home, I called the Toyota dealership to speak to Anthony ? and he wasn?t there. I said, okay, you know what? The deal is off because I refuse to deal with anyone else. I asked to speak to the head of the place, the guy that Janet dealt with?Joe F. He said he?d have someone come and meet me at the car rental place and then bring me back to Toyota. I agreed. Heidi and Kristin wanted to come with me but Billy chose to stay home. I?m not sure what is going on with him?he?s been staying in a lot.

When we got to the dealership, I told Joe I would only speak to a female so we sat and waited for an hour. There was only one woman there, and she was busy making a sale. Then I insisted on seeing my original paperwork and Joe looked like a complete jerk?no one could find it. Also, they would have let me leave the lot without the paperwork and without leaving the check. I said to Joe: ?I?m not impressed.?

It?s a lovely, lovely car though!

On Friday, Mrs. Landlord called to apologize for the harshness of Mr. Landlord?s tone during our phone calls. I told her she needn?t apologize because she didn?t say it, he did. She said they?d gotten my message about leaving and she said but I thought you liked the house and the school district. I told her I do but I want a cat for my kids and I want a landlord I can feel comfortable with. She apologized again and asked if I?d gotten his letter. In fact, his letter was in front of me and it was really annoying.

Here is the gist of what it said: that he?d received the letter from me and from Mindy(the attorney); his interpretation of the lease is that I would be responsible for anything that needed to be fixed whether it is from use (wear and tear) or from negligence. However, they were ?sympathetic? to my situation (my ass) and would allow a one-time deduction from the next month?s rent. However, this is not a precedent and I was to pay for any and all future repairs. I told Mrs. Landlord that I did not want to be spending money to fix appliances over ten years old when it?s not even my house. She said she understood and that he?s always strict like that ?at first? because they?ve had so many people trash their houses (no wonder). I said but we?ve been here almost two years; we?ve taken good care of your house and we never trashed it. In fact, we?ve only called a few times because of problems:
1. a clicking noise in the oven
2. dangling wires into the light fixture
3. the air conditioner wouldn?t come on
4. the water in the basement (they never called back)
5. this year, the leak from the toilet?

I always thought we were good tenants I told her. She said that we are and I said you sure could?ve fooled me from the tone of his voice and the tone of this letter. She apologized again and again, I told her she wasn?t the one who should be apologizing.

After that, I talked to Cathy. She said that Charlie R, the landlord, is almost sure he wants to rent to us but wants to speak to Steve first about my solvency. I said okay and left messages for Steve to call Charlie. Meanwhile, your close friend Marlon?s mother called. I guess poor Marlon still can?t bring himself to call. Anyway I told Sandy about what happened and she suggested I make one more overture to the Landlords. Heh heh?

I did write them a letter yesterday and sent it today. It?s a very good letter, but it?s also very cold?just like Mr. Landlord. At this point, I still would rather stay in the house BUT I want the cat and I want an itemized list of what I pay for and what he pays for. This is what I sent them:

Dear Mr. Landlord:

I have received your letter dated August 7, and I am glad that you agree with our interpretation of the plumbing bill. I did take note of the sentences which follow, and it is helpful to have your attitude spelled out clearly as the landlords and tenants I have spoken to do not interpret the lease agreement we have in the same manner you do. I will deduct the repair of the toilet from my next month?s rest. Thank you for being ?sympathetic? to our situation but please do not assume that because my husband is dead we are in any financial need. We are not.

The lease states: ?Tenant must take good care of the Unit and all equipment and fixtures in it. Tenant must, at Tenant?s cost make all repairs and replacements whenever the need results from Tenant?s act or neglect.? My attorney, other landlords and other tenants have told me that the way I interpreted this was correct: that if I did something negligent or careless or caused something to need to be repaired then I was to pay the bill. Normal use was the landlord?s responsibility. Indeed, until my husband died you seemed to agree on this, too, for the two times we called about a problem with the stove and with dangling wires into the kitchen light fixture.

However, I see that by your letter you now interpret this passage of the lease to mean that our use of the appliances and fixtures would force us to make repairs.

If I understand you correctly then:

If the condenser blows on the air conditioner, I am to fix it because we are using the air conditioner and it doesn?t matter how many years the air conditioner has been in place?

If the cooling element coil or the heating coil goes on the stove or the refrigerator, I am to replace them because I have used them?in spite of the fact that they are the original appliances?

I notified you several times by voice mail that during heavy downpours there is water seeping into the basement (and I explained where: not from the window, from the floor). I never received a response. When I asked neighbors, they explained that yes, they?d had wet basements and the owners installed a drain to fix the problem. My last message to you was: if you are aware you have a problem and you don?t care, you needn?t respond. My husband and I figured out that was what all those truck pallets in the basement were really for?to put down and put our things on top of them. Am I to assume that I am to install a drain or make the repairs because I have my things in the basement?

If there is a defect in the wall of the bathroom upstairs and as a result the sub-flooring needs to be replaced, I am to assume that is my responsibility because I use the bathroom? This example is extreme, I realize, but I need to be clear on these items.

My husband?s best friend?s mother suggested that I make an attempt to try to work out an understanding with regard to renting the house and only for the sake of my children did I consider it. I was looking to rent a home very long term?until my youngest graduates college, and perhaps beyond. I am looking at several places now where that would be possible and where the landlords have more reasonable demands regarding repairs, however, it would mean changing school districts. I was under the mistaken impression that my family was good tenants; we paid our rent on time and did not make unreasonable demands on you and took care of your house and did not trash it. The tone of your letter and your phone conversations tells communicates something else very clearly whether it is intentional or not.

When I left a message for you last, I had just received your letter. As far as renting your house after October 31, I have two primary concerns:
1. I want a cat for my children
2. I don?t want to spend my days worrying about financing the repair of someone else?s house?what?s in it for me if I do that?

If I misinterpreted your tone and you are interested in renting to us on a long-term basis, I am curious to know how my concerns would be resolved. If you are not interested, that is fine. By the way, Mrs. Ehrler is a wonderful and kind woman, and I have appreciated her phone calls.

Many people and places do not recognize widows and choose to call them single and address them as ?Ms?. I have made it a point to let everyone know that it is my preference to be addressed as Mrs. Richard Rademacher, not as Ms. C. Rademacher. Of course, I understand that when I sign documents I would use my first name but I do not believe it is unreasonable to indicate via address that my husband did exist and was a good man.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Me
cc: Mindy, attorney
Steven, financial advisor



Let?s see what they say.

I don?t feel so desperate to have Charlie?s house either. It?s got oil heat and that could get very expensive. Cathy said she would get me a breakdown of the monthly bills. It?s beautiful, yes, but I don?t want to go bankrupt living there. Kristin was crying last night, too, because she doesn?t want to leave Albany Ave. And Sandy was telling me that it would be very hard for the Landlords to throw me out?so?we?ll see what we see. I made some calls this morning on other available houses just to look around.

The weekend was quiet, cloudy and rainy most of the time so Kristin, Billy, and I spent most of our time straightening up, cleaning out the girls? room, and packing. Heidi left for Maryland with Janet on Friday and arrived sometime that afternoon. I am so glad she did get to go. It was absolutely horrible when I not only couldn?t get Heidi on the bus, I also couldn?t get Oma to the hospital for her tests. I felt so awful. :(

Last night Heidi called late. Randy (Emma?s father) brought the two girls to his house in Pennsylvania for the weekend but Heidi was having trouble sleeping and was missing us. I felt bad for her. Emma and her father had already fallen asleep so I suggested she try relaxing and watching TV with a glass of milk and a banana. I hope it helped her.

Kristin asked if we would have to move and she began crying. She doesn?t want to and I felt awful about it. I told her we?d both pray to God and ask you for help, guide us to the right answer, please, Rich. We need you and I realize that you are continuing to provide for us and to love us. I love you so much for that, my darling, but I miss your calm during a crisis. Boy, I could sure use your smile now and your reassurances that everything will be all right!

Kristin cried this morning, too?she didn?t want to go to camp. I had to peel her off me. :( Billy seems to have gotten a cold this time?I don?t know how Marilyn is going to feel about him taking care of Ashley but there?s nothing else for it!

I added on some more pictures to the website. It?s looking good baby, but oh, how I wish you were here!

Love you,
Me

Widow Support Board:

I am also in and out of the fog and the GM hits me at the oddest times, when I least expect it...like in the grocery store buying pencils for school. I started to cry because Rich always used to bring pencils home. Much of the time I am in the fog with you and the other posters. I guess the fog is so thick we can't see each other sometimes.
You are in good company--I don't mean that funny, I just mean that at almost 12 weeks I thought the fog would dissipate but it hasn't and from what I read, it hasn't for many...
**********************

((((((Ginden))))))
I'm sorry you lost your soulmate so recently.
I have a feeling that I will feeling Rich's loss forever, too. Not all pain is bad or unbearable. I have very good memories of the times we had together. I know that Rich is there for me but that he wouldn't want me to come before my time. What also helps me focus is that I have three children to take care of.
I don't know if you have children, if you do, are they at home or if you have relatives or not...I wish I could help. I do think your Dennis wouldn't want you to come to him before your time either...

August 9, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Where are you when I need you? That experience at Toyota was horrendous and I?m not sure we?ll get this house. The bankruptcy and foreclosure really hurt us.

I thought the Toyota people would be nice and understanding, especially considering my circumstances. I told the guy, Ron, what I wanted, what my financial situation was and all that so when I went in, I expected to be spending no more than $25,000.

I got there with the kids around 7 and this guy was with someone else so we looked at the cars that were available. All three vans were up there, between 28-30,000 and then tax?I thought, hum, where?s the base model? It turns out?Ron said?that the only models they had left were these two loaded vans from 2001 and one from 2002. I looked at the price and said, I can?t afford that. He said, oh no no no you?re going to get a discount, you?re a referral.

I felt relieved ? until I saw his first offer. His idea of a discount was to offer 28 something. I said no way, that?s more than I expected to pay. I was looking to pay 25,000 and he acted horrified. That would mean NO profit for the dealership and look at all the stuff this car came with. He asked what if he could get the manager to go to 28? I said that?s still too much. He got up and went to talk to the manager. Heidi was saying, if it?s too much, we should just go. Shoulda listened to her.

Anyway, now he comes back and the offer is 28,300 something with ?Happy Customer? written on the page. I saw a little red at that. I was NOT happy and NOT happy with the attitude that I should be happy. We went back and forth and forth and back and eventually he came down to 27,300. I still didn?t like it but I felt considerable pressure and began caving in.

I talked to Anthony, the young man who arranged financing and I told him I was not happy, told him that I wasn?t sure I could afford it, etc., and he just plowed along like he was deaf. He kept saying that this would be the best way to build my credit back up and so on and so forth. He came back telling me my payments would be $560 a month. I was having heart failure. I wasn?t sure I could afford that. I told him I?d need to think about it and let him know tomorrow. It was just as well that they couldn?t let me leave with the car because they needed the deposit of $12,000 and wouldn?t take the check I had. Hartford established a checking account for me but that wasn?t good enough.

Anyway, we went to the car and damned if it wouldn?t start! I was so embarrassed. I went in to ask RonW to use the phone, and he looked at me like I was some kind of pest. His phone didn?t work so I went to use the cell phone. I called Janet and asked her to come and pick me up. Meanwhile, people are leaving the dealership. There was one woman who asked if I needed a jump-start and I said I didn?t think so. No one else offered to help?and you?d think Ron would be out the door asking what he could do for me?especially if he wanted my money that much. Janet asked me the same thing.

I was so upset I was up until almost two in the morning, stewing over all this. Well, first thing the next day I called and talked to Anthony and told him the deal was off. I didn?t want the car. He said that he would see what he could do for me, and I said no no no I don?t want the car. Too expensive. He said come see him when I came down to have my car towed (I told him no one offered to help me). So I took a cab to Budget Rent A Car. Just before I did that I printed out a copy of the Sienna that I wanted to show Anthony. I rented a Ford Tempo and drove to the Toyota dealership again. Anthony came out and said he?d done a couple things and knocked the price down to $25,000, more like $436 a month or something.

The other thing I found out that pissed me off was that they could have called around and gotten another model of the Sienna from another dealership. Now I really was annoyed. I was pleased with what Anthony was doing, though, and thought, well, I could swing it if I?m careful. I don?t have to spend $800 a month on food. So?anyway, I let Anthony make the deal. The only thing holding it up now was the $12,000 and I called AXA (where Steve put my money) go get the money fedexed. Anthony is supposed to meet me at the Budget Rent a Car and take me to the dealership to finalize everything. Okay, so far so good.

Next thing that happens is that Cathy calls with the bad news that the owners of the nice place we looked at won?t take Amber. So oh well, I said, that?s that. We were getting ready to leave for bereavement when Cathy called back and said they were also concerned with the bad credit. They wanted reassurances that I?d be able to pay. So I offered extra security and I also said I?d contact Susan, the CPA, and Steve, the advisor, to reassure the owners. Susan appeared not to want to talk to the guy and I don?t know about Steve but I went ahead and faxed the man my checks, proof of income from SSA, my bank statements back to April and I figured it it?s not enough to convince him the hell with it.

Also went out on a limb and told the Landlords that I wanted a place where I could have a cat.

Then I went to bereavement with the girls and ended up talking a lot at the rap group. I talked about your birthday party and what we did (and I cried); I talked about what happened at Toyota (everyone thinks I should NOT take the car from Anthony?now I?m really confused). People here think that I should shop around and see if someone can offer me a better deal. Boy am I confused!

Rich, what should I do?

I love you. I really miss being able to lean on you and talk these things over with you. Heidi said I got all the screaming out of my system and got the guy to come down to $25,000 but I think, DO I need a van? The people at work think I should look at Accords?oh I am so confused.

Please help me Rich, help me think straight before I go home and have to make a decision!

Love you,
Me

Widow Support Board:

Rich died on May 23, 2001, a date which has no other meaning to me at all.
Our special number was 19. Got married on October 19, my birthday is
December 19, older daughter's birthday is September 19.
The only significance May has to me is that it has always sucked for Rich
and me. That's when we've had our worst financial times. So it goes.
***********************

posted 08-09-2001 11:17 AM

This is still about the Toyota. I called the dealership and talked to the
finance guy, Anthony, who was there the other night when I had my bad
experience. I said to him, I don't want the car, it's too expensive and I
explained how I felt pressured AND how NO ONE helped me after my car broke
down. Anthony acted horrified and aplogized and said if the car I wanted
wasn't there, they could contact another dealer...I asked WHY didn't Ron
(the salesman say so when I was protesting I couldn't afford the car?).
Anthony said, come talk to me, I'll help you.
I wasn't sure about it but I had to go there anyway to get my car towed. So
I rented a car and went to the dealership. Anthony met me outside and said I
shouldn't deal with Ron anymore, he'd reworked the figures, removed a lot of
the cost of the bells & whistles plus Ron's commission, etc. and could now
give me the same loaded van for like $25,000-something. Now I'd told Ron
that was the highest I wanted to go and he wouldn't present the offer to the
manager. So I was cranky but let Anthony go ahead and process the paper
work. I would save about $120 a month if I finance and pay on the loan a
year and rebuild my credit (which is in tatters). I was to have a check sent
down overnight that I could turn over to Toyota and Anthony said he'd have
someone from Toyota meet me at the rent-a-car place and then take me to the
dealership.
Then I went and told my story to the parents' rap group at bereavement and
to my co-workers at lunch. They all think I should have NOTHING to do with
this dealership and take my business elsewhere, shop for an even better
deal, etc...
I signed papers again but left no money.
I am so confused. Normally I would talk this over with Rich and eventually
we'd figure out the right thing to do...if my car hadn't died I would not
try to make such a major decision so soon but I can't keep pouring money
into this Fix Our Repairs Daily vehicle. I've already wasted $1000 on it
since Rich died.
I sure would appreciate some more input, you all were really helpful
yesterday.
Thanks in advance,
Me

*****************************

posted 08-09-2001 11:21 AM

((((((((John)))))))))
You're in good company today, John. I miss Rich's smile, his signed "I love
you" goodbye, his level-headed advice...especially the advice today. I am so
confused. I miss his arm around me when we slept...and he looked like a baby
too when he slept. It's not easy, we just have to go minute by minute
sometimes.
And (((((((Michelle)))))) The special days are *really* hard. Just
'celebrated' Rich's birthday on Saturday (he would have been 41). And we did
sorta celebrate with a BBQ and balloons. I wanted people to remember how
much fun Rich was and how nice he was and I think we did that. But oh how I
miss him! :-(
*******************

posted 08-09-2001 12:25 PM

Okay, there are some things I don't miss...
I don't miss Rich's impatience. I am not sure whether it was lack of sleep
or stress or pain but he lost his temper frequently and easily. I don't miss
the yelling.
I don't miss the power struggles between him and the kids.
I don't miss our shouting matches (very childish, looking back on it).
I don't miss his condescending attitude if I misplaced my keys.
if I think of anything else I'll post it...

Widow Support Messages
posted 08-08-2001 08:48 PM

((((((((((Daisies)))))))))))))))
Please don't beat yourself up over this. As hard as it is, the ONLY control
you have is over your own behavior and reactions. I learned in Al-Anon and
ACOA that I could not control my parents' drinking. At the same time, I
learned that this was also true of my dear Rich's heart medicine and his
health and his living style choices. I could cry, beg, plead, threaten...in
the end, only Rich had the control to make healthy choices, take his
medicine on time, see the doctor, etc., and the same is true of your
fiancee.
I don't love Rich the less. We are all human...I wish he stayed longer,
maybe it would have been this way no matter what he did. Who knows? Rich's
heart might have worn out and stopped even if he'd been careful and
vigilant...
I'm sorry you lost your fiancee, Daisies. How do you go on? One step at a
time. That is all I can manage.
Hang in there,
hugs,
Me

August 7, 2001
Hi sweetie,
I was typing my note to you and the power suddenly went out and it all went away. I?ll start over again.

I have been feeling so sluggish in the mornings lately. I guess it?s because I?m going to bed late and then not getting my usual afternoon nap now. I really need to go to bed earlier. I also must have done something and pulled a muscle in my back and chest. Last night when I went to bed, I thought I was going to get those weird pains in my chest and jaw again (I mentioned them to the physician?s assistant, remember? And she said it probably had to do with what I eat). Anyway I notice it when I move in a certain way.

It is so hot, muggy and miserable out too. Sometimes it feels like there?s someone standing on my chest so that I can?t breathe. It?s supposed to be like this all week. Last night your Uncle Walter called because your Grandmother needs a ride to Winthrop Hospital for a blood test. Boy? I don?t mind taking her but I hope she?ll be okay in an unairconditioned car. :P

Speaking of that, we looked at two houses on Sunday. One was a Cape Cod in Massapequa Park. It had four bedrooms, two are teeny and the two upstairs are fairly large. It has some serious problems, though. The basement smells rank, musty and moldy. Ugh. There is old furniture throughout the house, which can be disposed of, but the yard is overgrown and needs lots of work. The main fuse box was blown so most of the lights don?t even work. Not so good?Billy was enthusiastic about the house, but I could tell that Kristin was unhappy and Heidi was less than thrilled.

The next house was beautiful! It?s in Massapequa, in the Plainedge school district, on the west side of Broadway. This house was humongous. It has four large bedrooms, living room, dining room, spiral staircase down to a full finished basement, and unbelievable amounts of room, a lovely huge deck and a pool in the backyard! Incredible! Even better, the landlord would take care of the lawn maintenance and we would just be responsible for the pool. The kids fell in love with it and I decided to make an offer on it. The rent is $2,000 a month plus utilities. I filled out the application?now we just have to wait and see what happens. If it was meant to be, it will happen.

Still no words from those SOBs, the Landlords. I guess they expect that I should eat the plumbing bill. All the more reason to get out?although I hate to do that, too. If this pretty house falls through, the realtor did mention a house that may come up for rent at the Cameo. I guess we?ll see what happens?what will be will be.

Heidi is leaving for Maryland tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, she?s been so miserable and I am hoping this will make her happy. On the other, I?ll miss her.

You know what Billy did? You?d be so proud of him. He brined a turkey and we roasted it Sunday. He?s planning on making us a whole dinner for it, mashed potatoes, gravy, string beans?it?s so cool!

I made a call to Cathy (the real estate agent) about the house I want to rent and then called about getting a Toyota Sienna. Marilyn F, our neighbor?Ashley?s grandmother?had me call her son Scott who is into Ford but he willingly gave me a contact at Toyota and so that is where I?m going to go this evening?to Amityville Ford. So let?s see what happens, darling.

Love you always,
Me

Widow Support Board:

posted 08-07-2001 08:41 AM

(((((((((((((Gardengirl)))))))))))))))
If I didn't have my children, I think I would feel as you do. I have
wondered sometimes what's the point?
I think Brian's on target too because I remember how Rich was...and I don't
think he would want me to stop caring about everything because he's not
there. He wouldn't want me to join him before my time.
There are things that I really don't care about anymore...
....organized housecleaning
....organized grocery shopping
....worrying about bills
....worrying about what I'm going to do now
I'm just sort of going with the flow. Some things will just take care of
themselves...
***********************

posted 08-07-2001 08:49 AM

((((((((((Tracey)))))))))))))))
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. More than half the time I don't feel anything either. I loved Rich very much and I know he loved me but 9 times out of 10 I can sit here and coolly and calmly talk about him as if he's just out of the room.
Sometimes I've seen and heard people wonder how they can go on with the rest of their lives knowing that they'll never see, touch, feel their spouse again. I feel detached from it because my mind absolutely refuses to go there...and yet, I know that this is the truth for me and one day I will have to face it.
I am a little further along than you...on Wednesday it will be 11 weeks. I used to wonder what was the matter with me too...why don't I feel anything? But I've heard back from enough people to know that nothing is wrong with me, it's just a part of working through the grief.
I did cry a lot on Rich's birthday, which was Saturday. My friends were all there and they were very supportive, not a DGI among them that day, and it was a better day than I thought it would be.
You're okay, Tracey. I get counseling, too, and it does help.
************************

((((((Rhonda))))))))
My husband died suddenly too, Rhonda. He had a heart condition and he
developed an arrythmia that was treated...he seemed to be stable. I guess
maybe we took his illness a little for granted.
I lost patience with Rich too many times because he didn't take care of
himself as well as he could have. He made some choices that weren't so
healthy and it aggravated me to no end. In spite of it though I loved him
and he loved me.
I hope you don't get too upset with yourself for being impatient with Lenny.
We are all only human. And I know that Lenny understands and he knows how
much you loved him, too.
I don't think you'll ever forget Lenny, this is the feeling I get. I think
when we love someone and lose them we get to a point where we can live with
the loss but we don't "get over" it.
There are so many nice people here on this board. Please keep posting.
***********************

posted 08-07-2001 09:01 PM

This is ridiculous. It isn't enough that my husband dies and is taken from
me. When bad stuff happened before (and it happened *all* the time, we're
one of those Jonah/Job families) at least we had each other to lean on.
Not long after my husband died, so did the car, that POS Ford Taurus. It
cost me like $1000 to fix it and get inspected and all that. No husband so I
could cry on his shoulder, just had to go take care of it myself.
Then there's Mr. and Mrs. Landlord, who have yet to acknowledge my
attorney's letter OR reimburse me the money I laid out to fix the plumbing.
Tonight I went to Toyota to buy a new van because the POS keeps cutting out
at the lights. Well, I had a substantial down payment for them but it has to
be a cashier's check because our credit bites (medical bills, car disasters,
more car disasters...). Okay, no problem. I walk out with the kids to get in
the car and go home...and the car is dead. It's not the battery, it's the
starter or something equally obnoxious. Last time it was the alternator and
countless other things. The time before that...well, never mind.
Tomorrow I was supposed to take my 12 year old to the bus station (which is
20 miles away) and send her to Maryland for 2 weeks (trip paid for by
daughter's best friend's mom and boy does the poor kid need the break).
Well, it ain't happening now. The 12 year old is hysterical. "Why does God
hate me?" she wants to know. I tell her, it's not God, it's just that bad
stuff happens, forces of nature, bad luck, all that crap. She looks at me
like I'm crazy. "But it keeps happening to US so yes, God does hate us!" So
I said no, if anyone hates us it's the Devil. Well, Heidi wasn't buying that
one either.
I was supposed to take Rich's 90 year old grandmother to Winthrop Hospital
for pre-op tests. Normally, Rich's aunt Terri would take her but her cancer
has recurred and is all through her and she's battling it, on chemo, and is
weak and dizzy. I feel horrible. Rich's grandmother has done so much to help
us out...now I can't even repay one lousy favor. No, I have to call poor
Terri and explain about the Fxxkng car. She's crying, I'm crying, it's a big
mess.
Now I have to figure out how to get the money from the insurance trust fund
to a bank that will make a cashier's check or something for me to present to
Toyota so that I can have *something* to drive. I have to figure out how I'm
going to do all this...alone.
My neighbor, who gave me a ride home said, "Don't worry, you'll figure
something out."
I'm glad she has such confidence in my ability to pull off miracles.
I want Rich!! Even if there's nothing we can do, I want him to lean on!! I'm
sick of this perpetual never ending bad luck--I haven't been mean to anyone,
WHY does this keep happening over and over?
I need a straight jacket...
**********************

The more I think about the Toyota Sienna van the worrieder I get. It's
loaded, one of two left from 2001. I hadn't had any intention of getting a
loaded van and the thing is like $30,000, which is $5,000 more than I ever
intended to spend--and even then I was looking more like for around 22 or
23... I talked the guy down to $27 but still...I said look, I really don't
think I can afford this, I should look at something else. They are slick,
these salespeople kept saying don't worry you'll work it out, you want this
van, safest car in the country, your kids are too big to squeeze into a
sedan...
I signed the papers but I felt kinda railroaded but they said listen you can
always change your mind if you aren't happy.
Then when the car broke down, I went in to use the phone...it was closing
time and they looked at me like OMG, STILL here? No one offered to help with
the car, give me a lift, nothing, and here they were expecting a big sale
from me. I called my neighbor. She was telling me that if Toyota wants the
sale that bad they should help me get to the bank to get a cashier's check.
I'm thinking maybe I should back out of the deal all together but the
problem is ... I have NO car now. :P
I am so confused...and I don't have Rich to help me figure this out...

August 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I feel like I?ve been through the wringer. What a weekend! I hope I?m not getting a sinus infection myself now from Kristin. She?s doing better but was still kind of emotional and weepy yesterday.

We looked at a couple of houses before your family came over. One house was really overgrown and musty and kind of ugly. The other was just beautiful! What did you think of it? Four bedrooms, very large, a big finished basement, lots of storage space, a garage, a beautiful deck, a pool in the back yard ? the rent is reasonable, too. I?m going to go ahead and make the offer. If it was meant to be, it?ll work out? Do you like that house? Let me know if you do! I still want to know what your input would be!

The printer has been going cuckoo; I got a whole lot of wingdings printing out over several pages. I wish I could translate them?maybe I can decode the stuff and see if it makes any sense?

Dave, Linda, Steven, Ann, and their kids came and spent the afternoon yesterday. It was so hot, so miserably humid. We stayed all afternoon at the pool, floating in the water. I enjoyed hanging out with Linda and Ann and talking to them. Our kids were miserable?kept fighting with each other. What a drag. And I brought the balloons out so we could send them off to you again, only I have a feeling you had the last laugh. I tied them to the table but the ribbons unraveled and off they went?and got stuck in a tree!

Kristin cried because she really wanted to send you a balloon. I tried to comfort her and tell her we could always get her a balloon to send to you. I told your brother and sister it would be just like you to free the balloons yourself and they laughed and agreed.

Steven and Ann live so close. It seems a shame not to see them so I thought I?d make an effort to invite them to come over again. I hope they do. And I love Linda and Dave?I wish they lived closer.

I was exhausted after the weekend. Being without you would have taken a greater toll were it not for your family and our friends. I still miss you terribly, my love, and I cry for you sometimes.

I?ll always love you,
Me

Widow Support Board:

I have also noticed that no one wants to talk about Rich. I think part of it
is people don't want to upset me *but* I think more than that it's exactly
what most of the others have been saying...talking about Rich makes death
and mortality real.
I don't think people do it to be hurtful. They're scared.
Never thought I'd be someone who'd scare people.
The people here on this board are very nice and it's where I feel 'normal'

August 5, 2001
Widow Support Board:

Rich would have been 41 yesterday. Years ago, I threw him two surprise
birthday parties. He always said he didn't like surprise parties but I think
secretly he did...or he didn't mind that I did it. I was going to throw him
a party for his 40th birthday but held off. I thought he might suspect I'd
do something. I thought I would surprise him this year...well, he surprised
me instead.
Still, I did some of what I thought I'd do for his surprise party. I invited
over some good friends and planned a barbecue/swim at the pool. I went to
the party store and got pearl blue & gray balloons filled with helium. I got
a cake but instead of "Happy Birthday" I had "Here's Looking at You, Kid" on
it with blue trim and more balloons...
And we wrote on the balloons and tied baby's breath to the string and we set
them off into the sky. I cried and my friends hugged me. The balloons looked
so beautiful floating away into the sky.
Today Rich's brother and sister and their families came over and I thought
that maybe Rich was there too, among his loved ones and friends and the
balloons.

***************************

I don't try to fight it either...it's like Elton John's song, "Sad Songs".
I'll put on music I know will help me cry. I feel better after I cry.
The only thing is, I try not to stay down all day. It's hard to get up if
I'm down all day so after a while I look for something to do to pick up my
mood.

August 4, 2001
Happy Birthday, my darling,

Did the balloons surprise you? I hope you liked them. They were more beautiful than I thought but I?m really sorry that tying the flowers to them wouldn?t work. I ordered a blue rose, Heidi got a blue carnation, and Kristin had a lily but they weighed too much and kept the balloons from rising. But we all wrote notes to you and most of the balloons sailed into the trees, gradually freed themselves and went on to the heavens?I?d like to think.

It was a busy day. Last night was difficult. I had a couple of really emotional moments, missing you, and Kristin and I were lying together in bed. Suddenly she asked, ?When it?s after midnight, is it the next day?? and I said yes, and then I added, ?Yes, it is Daddy?s birthday.? She hugged me and I told her I was okay. And then ?I Hope You Dance? came on the radio and I?d just added it to the web page. I thought, Rich sent me this song. There were a couple of other songs that came on right after, and I thought: Rich is sending me these songs.

Today I picked up the balloons, the flowers and shopped for the things we needed for the barbecue. Robin and Dan, Nancy, Cheryl, Elyse, Scott and Jessica all came, and Heidi?s friend Sharon came over too. Some of us went to the pool for part of the time and then Dan and Scott dragged the picnic table over. Billy did an excellent job with the burgers and hotdogs, you?d have been proud?again.

After dinner we let the decorated the balloons and then sent them off, and I cried. They looked so beautiful and I missed you so terribly. Kristin ended up not sending her balloon off; she wanted to keep it. That was okay with me?I can understand why. She cried really hard, too, missing you. I held her; Nancy, Robin, and Cheryl all put their arms around me. God, it hurt so much not to have you here. I love you so, Rich, I hope you can feel how much I really do love you and miss you.

We had a cake for you (I?m sorry, butter cream :P but there just wasn?t any whipped cream available. It had blue trim on it, balloons, and the words ?Here?s Looking At You, Kid?. Robin suggested singing happy birthday but I just couldn?t. Everyone stayed until about nine and then they all left. But we?ll all get together again.

Oh, how I wish I had you here today. I want to hold you again, touch your face and have your touch. I miss you so badly, Rich. I don?t think I?ll ever get over missing you, my darling. I love you forever?.

Always yours,
Me

Widow Support Board:

Today, Rich would have been 41 years old.
I had a rough time last night. Today I'm on auto-pilot. I invited a bunch of
people to come over for a barbecue today. I got 15 balloons. We are going to
release them later. I ordered a cake that says "Here's Looking At You, Kid"
on it.
Tomorrow, Rich's brother and sister and their families are coming over and
we're doing something similar.
I'm just sitting here now waiting for the guests.
I think Rich is here in spirit, but I want him here in his skin.

August 2, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I made it through yesterday all right. There were a couple of tricky moments, though. One of them was at the bereavement group for the kids. Kristin is sick now?she has a fever of 100.8 and I?m hoping she?s not getting mono now too. :P Anyway I started out by sitting out the group and reading a book called Hello From Heaven which is all about ADCs (after death communications) and I was getting into it but could tell it was going to be a long evening.

The mom who lost her daughter to a drunk driver was there talking on a cell phone, and she didn?t want to go in either. She went outside to complete her call and not too long after that, Mary, the social worker leading Kristin?s group came down and I told her what happened to her.

About a half hour into the evening, one of the participants came out to sit with me a while. She lost her father. We sat and talked for a little while, especially about how awful that man was?the one with the foster son that no one wanted. Luckily, he is on vacation for two weeks. Anyway, when the woman said she was ready to rejoin the group she talked me into going back in with her.

I?m glad I did now because the group was talking about ADCs. I?m glad they were because I haven?t been entirely comfortable sharing?I didn?t tell them about the readings, though, just about the scanner coming on by itself and your picture appearing and about the photograph turning over a couple of times. While we were talking I did have a tough minute or two. I was talking to the group about how I haven?t been able to take it in yet about being without you the rest of my life. I know you are with me always but not physically, not the way we were before and I have not been able to comprehend the full enormity of it. Whenever I do, my mind automatically responds NO, DON?T GO THERE! I?m not ready to deal with it.

Afterwards, Heidi showed me the anger box she?d made. It?s a shoebox with a tube from a toilet paper roll and she?s supposed to scream into it when she?s angry. I asked, ?Do you think it?ll work?? and she said, ?No.? I looked at some of the things she wrote on it?one was Mom doesn?t understand, the teachers treat me differently, Kristin annoys me and won?t leave me alone, camp/school stresses me out ?things like that. I asked her about the teachers and she said at the end of the school year they all treated her like something special and it unnerved her.

I said to her, ?I really do want to understand you, but when I ask you sometimes you get mad and say you don?t know what?s bothering you.? She said she knew that and then said she wished that we could go away together, just the two of us, on a vacation because we?re the ones who feel the stress the most?that Billy and Kristin don?t seem to care. I was going to point out that they DO feel stress, just differently but then decided that wouldn?t be the right thing to say so I said instead it would be hard because I?d have to leave Billy and Kristin with someone and they would feel left out. Heidi said, well, what about the Jonathan Frid show in December? She wants to come and help with the programs and stuff?I told her I?d have to ask Nancy.

Tonight I?m taking Heidi to see her own therapist for an evaluation, to see if she needs to be referred to a child psychiatrist. It?s scary. Sometimes Heidi seems like just a normal kid but other times, when she?s banging her head against the wall or hitting herself with her fist, she?s like a totally different kid.

I was online trying to catch up with all my emails. It was impossible. I was totally snowed under so I gave up. I?m almost totally wrapped up in Widow support boards, chats and email lists and I think sadly to myself that now you?re getting all this attention and you?re not here to enjoy it. I don?t care much about David Selby at all; have no interest in what he?s doing.

The school nurse from Albany Avenue, Mrs. Daniels, called to tell me that the community (I?m not sure which organization) wants to have a fundraiser to raise money for the kids and me and I was so touched. She said it would be in the newspapers and we?d be invited to go to the baseball game (I think that?s what they are doing). It crossed my mind: what if it?s during the DS Fest weekend? And then I thought: who cares?

I have an email correspondence with a man named David that makes me a little nervous. He lost his wife Melany around the time you died (I think?I?m not sure) and he joined the Widow list to try and make friends. I?ve only seen him post a couple of times but he began to write to me. I began to write him back?some of the things he says remind me of you. He has a funny sense of humor, likes to tweak his kids (they?re all grown), has affectionate names for them?these are all things you and I did. Like you?d say ?destructions? instead of ?instructions? and you called Heidi ?Bubba? and Kristin ?Christmas Pudding? and we?d kid the kids about what?s for dinner, fried worms and other silly things. Well, what makes me uncomfortable is that he is a man and I just don?t want to get close to him. I write to lots of the women on the list without a second thought.

There seems to be a predator on the list. Another man joined the list and proclaimed he didn?t like to stand on protocol. He watched his wife suffer with breast cancer for two years, she died in his arms, and now he?s ready to move on. I respond to all the new people on the list. That?s how David started to post me privately?anyway, this Ted fellow wrote me back too. His post wasn?t appropriate for one who is grieving. David wrote me that he planted a tree in Melany?s name and he needs medication to help him sleep and that he wants her back. That?s normal. Ted wrote me that our losses seemed to occur about the same time, maybe we could discuss the similar circumstances and I could write him ?or something?, love, Ted. Love? Might be just a half-crazed widower but I decided eh, better not write him back.

Then I got a post from Em, also on the list, and it turns out he wrote to her and to Fran and was hitting on them. Meanwhile, Ted sent me his picture. While we were trying to decide what to do about Ted, we found out that four other women had gotten inappropriate, suggestive emails from Ted. Em wrote to one of the list moderators who didn?t want to do anything until she saw the emails the rest of us got. I figured I would forward mine to her. Ted worries me more than David does at the moment because he seems like the predator or stalker type.

Why do people like that continue to exist when good, loving, sweet people like you die? There was an article in the paper about this man who has an artificial heart. It?s been one month and he?s doing very well. I think to myself: why couldn?t that have been available when Rich needed it?

I feel so sad about that sometimes?mostly because I love you and need you so much.

Always yours,
Me

August 1, 2001
Sweetheart,

This is not going to be an easy week. Ten weeks today and it still sometimes feels so unreal, like a very bad dream. I was up until midnight last night and I suddenly realized, my God, ten weeks ago at this hour, you were alive. We?d just gone up to the bedroom and you were going to try to sleep. Ten weeks ago, and I should have realized when you woke in the middle of the night that we should go to the doctor. I know what you?ve communicated to me, but still I am plagued with ?what ifs?. If we?d saved you that night, would it just be prolonging the inevitable or would it have given you the time you needed to lose more weight and become healthier?

I?ve become friends with another online widow whose husband died suddenly of cardiomyopathy. He lived with it for four years, compared with the almost 14 you lived with yours. Rich, I sometimes wonder about what the doctor told us at Johns Hopkins in 1988 or 1989. You were doing so much better after that exam and the doctor said to us both, if you?d just lose fifty pounds you?d live to your seventies. What happened?

What if you had lost all the weight you needed to lose? Would that doctor have been right or would you still have died when you did? Were you depressed or unhappy with me and the kids, and that?s why instead of losing weight you kept gaining more? I wish I could understand. I don?t know if it would help me to understand?did you feel that I was rejecting you? Well, at the end you were trying so hard and you did lose the forty pounds. I guess it just wasn?t in time. My heart is so full of sadness. I miss you so much, my darling. I wish that I could hold you again, caress your face, rub your belly, and scratch your goatee just once more.

Last night Mrs. Landlord called to remind us about the painters and I was too mad to talk to her. Heidi took the message. I sent them a rent check paying in full and a letter that expressed how I felt. Mr. Landlord said that if there was anything they could do to help me?hah! I wrote that it would have been helpful if he?d taken care of the plumbing problem when I called, rather than put the burden on me and imply that it was the ?rough? kids or my ?big? husband. It would have been more helpful if he, once I called with the news that it was not negligence, had immediately reimbursed me. But noooooo, I have to get a lawyer to write a letter for me. I resent it and I?m angry.

Roseanne says it would be better to stay where we are; so does Steve and most all of my friends. They are right. I shouldn?t just react because the Devil I know is better than the Devil I don?t know. As far as I?m concerned, the ball is in the court. They can tell me that they won?t rent to me again. I really don?t give a damn?and I?m not giving up Amber. If that?s why I have to move, so be it.

So baby doll, I?m just going to try and relax and go with the flow and see what happens next. There was a big article in Newsday today, all about how Long Island has become the most expensive place to live. A nuclear family of four needs a post-tax combined income of $52,000 to make it here. Ha ha. A single mother with three kids needs $48,000 to make it here. I guess we?ll just have to see, eh?

The weather has been pleasant here today but I think it?s going to start getting hot again. We have a weekend birthday celebration planned in honor of you. I hope you like balloons.

I remember there was a really nasty heat wave when Billy was born. The other thing I just remembered is that you won the baby pool. My due date was supposed to be May 1 although I sort of insisted that I knew when I conceived and I was guessing May 11 or 12. You guessed Mother?s Day, May 10th. I remember being horrified. I didn?t want to be having a baby on Mother?s Day, I protested. Well, my water broke May 9th and Billy was born after 4 in the morning on Mother?s Day. My gift?our gift. The best Mother?s Day gift ever. I had a rose with every meal. It was so cool!

You spent almost every waking minute with me at the hospital. I didn?t think you were getting enough rest but was grateful for your presence. We were just so fascinated with Billy. He was born with a cone shaped head because his skull had to fit the narrow birth canal. He was tiny, red, and not very pretty but he was ours. I spent 2 or 3 days in the hospital?I don?t remember which?and I remember that Billy became crankier each day. I didn?t know what I was doing wrong or how to soothe him. Nurses came in to give us advice about what to do with a cranky baby, how to breastfeed and so on. I never quite got the knack of it. I?m so big chested you?d think it would have been easy but it was awkward and uncomfortable. Still, I tried.

The weekend Billy came home from the hospital, you got sick. I remember being upset because not only did I not have help for Billy but you were also feeling so bad you needed to be cared for. I look back at that now and wonder if that was the beginning of it all. When you got better, you?d sit up with Billy who would be wide awake from 2 in the morning until about 6 and sleep like he was in a coma the rest of the day. I remember you used to pick Billy up and sort of sail him around overhead playing with him but also trying to wake him. You and Billy watched the Iran-Contra hearings together in the wee hours of the morning so that I could sleep. And you did not get enough sleep yourself.

We had this group of pediatricians taking care of Billy. Eventually we ended up calling the Dr. Moe, Dr. Larry & Dr. Curley after the Three Stooges. Billy wasn?t gaining a lot of weight and he was spitting up an awful lot. Then I noticed an ammonia smell in his diaper. We took him to that practice and they discovered that he had a fever. He had to be admitted to Holy Cross Hospital. What a horrible experience it was! In Baltimore, a couple?s baby had just been stolen from the Johns Hopkins Hospital and I was wild with fear that it would happen to us.

The doctors had to do a spinal test on Billy to see if he had meningitis. They took him to another room but we could hear him screaming and we held on to each other and cried. It was horrible. They put Billy on IV antibiotics and he looked so helpless in the bed. I refused to leave him. I wouldn?t leave the room even to get a meal and so the nurse ordered meals brought to me because I was nursing Billy. She was very sweet and tried to encourage me to take a break and walk around but I wouldn?t. I was too afraid.

One night there was a fire alarm. You?d just arrived but went to the car to get something when the alarms went off and the police and fire department arrived. The nurse told me all the doors were locked and that people were being stopped in the lobby and not allowed back up. I knew you?I knew you?d be frantic and that you?d try to make your way upstairs somehow. About a half hour later, you came in the door! You managed to get around the guard and sneaked up a back staircase to get back to us. I was so relieved to see you, but at the same time I became even more convinced that it wouldn?t be safe to leave Billy alone in the room.

Billy and I spent a week in the hospital. After we were discharged, the Head Idiot doctor of that practice managed to terrify us with gloom and doom predictions of dire infections, kidney transplants?I was so scared I shut down producing milk and we put Billy on a formula.

We found another pediatrician to go to. I?ll never forget her. She was so gentle and such a quiet, caring pediatrician. She explained things clearly to us?that Billy had a narrowed ureter but it wasn?t anything to be alarmed about. She prescribed a prophylactic antibiotic for Billy to take for one year and then he could be tested again to see if his ureter opened up. If not we would have to consider surgery then. What a relief to the two of us!

We made arrangements to have Billy christened at the First Presbyterian Church. It was an okay, modern looking church. We didn?t stay there very long?just long enough to get Billy baptized. Your father and Alberta came down, and my parents came. My parents really embarrassed me. After the church service they high-tailed it back to our apartment so they could break into the beer. :P

Except for that cold you had that just wouldn?t go away, we had a pretty nice summer after that.