August 4, 2001
Happy Birthday, my darling,

Did the balloons surprise you? I hope you liked them. They were more beautiful than I thought but I?m really sorry that tying the flowers to them wouldn?t work. I ordered a blue rose, Heidi got a blue carnation, and Kristin had a lily but they weighed too much and kept the balloons from rising. But we all wrote notes to you and most of the balloons sailed into the trees, gradually freed themselves and went on to the heavens?I?d like to think.

It was a busy day. Last night was difficult. I had a couple of really emotional moments, missing you, and Kristin and I were lying together in bed. Suddenly she asked, ?When it?s after midnight, is it the next day?? and I said yes, and then I added, ?Yes, it is Daddy?s birthday.? She hugged me and I told her I was okay. And then ?I Hope You Dance? came on the radio and I?d just added it to the web page. I thought, Rich sent me this song. There were a couple of other songs that came on right after, and I thought: Rich is sending me these songs.

Today I picked up the balloons, the flowers and shopped for the things we needed for the barbecue. Robin and Dan, Nancy, Cheryl, Elyse, Scott and Jessica all came, and Heidi?s friend Sharon came over too. Some of us went to the pool for part of the time and then Dan and Scott dragged the picnic table over. Billy did an excellent job with the burgers and hotdogs, you?d have been proud?again.

After dinner we let the decorated the balloons and then sent them off, and I cried. They looked so beautiful and I missed you so terribly. Kristin ended up not sending her balloon off; she wanted to keep it. That was okay with me?I can understand why. She cried really hard, too, missing you. I held her; Nancy, Robin, and Cheryl all put their arms around me. God, it hurt so much not to have you here. I love you so, Rich, I hope you can feel how much I really do love you and miss you.

We had a cake for you (I?m sorry, butter cream :P but there just wasn?t any whipped cream available. It had blue trim on it, balloons, and the words ?Here?s Looking At You, Kid?. Robin suggested singing happy birthday but I just couldn?t. Everyone stayed until about nine and then they all left. But we?ll all get together again.

Oh, how I wish I had you here today. I want to hold you again, touch your face and have your touch. I miss you so badly, Rich. I don?t think I?ll ever get over missing you, my darling. I love you forever?.

Always yours,
Me

Widow Support Board:

Today, Rich would have been 41 years old.
I had a rough time last night. Today I'm on auto-pilot. I invited a bunch of
people to come over for a barbecue today. I got 15 balloons. We are going to
release them later. I ordered a cake that says "Here's Looking At You, Kid"
on it.
Tomorrow, Rich's brother and sister and their families are coming over and
we're doing something similar.
I'm just sitting here now waiting for the guests.
I think Rich is here in spirit, but I want him here in his skin.

August 2, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I made it through yesterday all right. There were a couple of tricky moments, though. One of them was at the bereavement group for the kids. Kristin is sick now?she has a fever of 100.8 and I?m hoping she?s not getting mono now too. :P Anyway I started out by sitting out the group and reading a book called Hello From Heaven which is all about ADCs (after death communications) and I was getting into it but could tell it was going to be a long evening.

The mom who lost her daughter to a drunk driver was there talking on a cell phone, and she didn?t want to go in either. She went outside to complete her call and not too long after that, Mary, the social worker leading Kristin?s group came down and I told her what happened to her.

About a half hour into the evening, one of the participants came out to sit with me a while. She lost her father. We sat and talked for a little while, especially about how awful that man was?the one with the foster son that no one wanted. Luckily, he is on vacation for two weeks. Anyway, when the woman said she was ready to rejoin the group she talked me into going back in with her.

I?m glad I did now because the group was talking about ADCs. I?m glad they were because I haven?t been entirely comfortable sharing?I didn?t tell them about the readings, though, just about the scanner coming on by itself and your picture appearing and about the photograph turning over a couple of times. While we were talking I did have a tough minute or two. I was talking to the group about how I haven?t been able to take it in yet about being without you the rest of my life. I know you are with me always but not physically, not the way we were before and I have not been able to comprehend the full enormity of it. Whenever I do, my mind automatically responds NO, DON?T GO THERE! I?m not ready to deal with it.

Afterwards, Heidi showed me the anger box she?d made. It?s a shoebox with a tube from a toilet paper roll and she?s supposed to scream into it when she?s angry. I asked, ?Do you think it?ll work?? and she said, ?No.? I looked at some of the things she wrote on it?one was Mom doesn?t understand, the teachers treat me differently, Kristin annoys me and won?t leave me alone, camp/school stresses me out ?things like that. I asked her about the teachers and she said at the end of the school year they all treated her like something special and it unnerved her.

I said to her, ?I really do want to understand you, but when I ask you sometimes you get mad and say you don?t know what?s bothering you.? She said she knew that and then said she wished that we could go away together, just the two of us, on a vacation because we?re the ones who feel the stress the most?that Billy and Kristin don?t seem to care. I was going to point out that they DO feel stress, just differently but then decided that wouldn?t be the right thing to say so I said instead it would be hard because I?d have to leave Billy and Kristin with someone and they would feel left out. Heidi said, well, what about the Jonathan Frid show in December? She wants to come and help with the programs and stuff?I told her I?d have to ask Nancy.

Tonight I?m taking Heidi to see her own therapist for an evaluation, to see if she needs to be referred to a child psychiatrist. It?s scary. Sometimes Heidi seems like just a normal kid but other times, when she?s banging her head against the wall or hitting herself with her fist, she?s like a totally different kid.

I was online trying to catch up with all my emails. It was impossible. I was totally snowed under so I gave up. I?m almost totally wrapped up in Widow support boards, chats and email lists and I think sadly to myself that now you?re getting all this attention and you?re not here to enjoy it. I don?t care much about David Selby at all; have no interest in what he?s doing.

The school nurse from Albany Avenue, Mrs. Daniels, called to tell me that the community (I?m not sure which organization) wants to have a fundraiser to raise money for the kids and me and I was so touched. She said it would be in the newspapers and we?d be invited to go to the baseball game (I think that?s what they are doing). It crossed my mind: what if it?s during the DS Fest weekend? And then I thought: who cares?

I have an email correspondence with a man named David that makes me a little nervous. He lost his wife Melany around the time you died (I think?I?m not sure) and he joined the Widow list to try and make friends. I?ve only seen him post a couple of times but he began to write to me. I began to write him back?some of the things he says remind me of you. He has a funny sense of humor, likes to tweak his kids (they?re all grown), has affectionate names for them?these are all things you and I did. Like you?d say ?destructions? instead of ?instructions? and you called Heidi ?Bubba? and Kristin ?Christmas Pudding? and we?d kid the kids about what?s for dinner, fried worms and other silly things. Well, what makes me uncomfortable is that he is a man and I just don?t want to get close to him. I write to lots of the women on the list without a second thought.

There seems to be a predator on the list. Another man joined the list and proclaimed he didn?t like to stand on protocol. He watched his wife suffer with breast cancer for two years, she died in his arms, and now he?s ready to move on. I respond to all the new people on the list. That?s how David started to post me privately?anyway, this Ted fellow wrote me back too. His post wasn?t appropriate for one who is grieving. David wrote me that he planted a tree in Melany?s name and he needs medication to help him sleep and that he wants her back. That?s normal. Ted wrote me that our losses seemed to occur about the same time, maybe we could discuss the similar circumstances and I could write him ?or something?, love, Ted. Love? Might be just a half-crazed widower but I decided eh, better not write him back.

Then I got a post from Em, also on the list, and it turns out he wrote to her and to Fran and was hitting on them. Meanwhile, Ted sent me his picture. While we were trying to decide what to do about Ted, we found out that four other women had gotten inappropriate, suggestive emails from Ted. Em wrote to one of the list moderators who didn?t want to do anything until she saw the emails the rest of us got. I figured I would forward mine to her. Ted worries me more than David does at the moment because he seems like the predator or stalker type.

Why do people like that continue to exist when good, loving, sweet people like you die? There was an article in the paper about this man who has an artificial heart. It?s been one month and he?s doing very well. I think to myself: why couldn?t that have been available when Rich needed it?

I feel so sad about that sometimes?mostly because I love you and need you so much.

Always yours,
Me

August 1, 2001
Sweetheart,

This is not going to be an easy week. Ten weeks today and it still sometimes feels so unreal, like a very bad dream. I was up until midnight last night and I suddenly realized, my God, ten weeks ago at this hour, you were alive. We?d just gone up to the bedroom and you were going to try to sleep. Ten weeks ago, and I should have realized when you woke in the middle of the night that we should go to the doctor. I know what you?ve communicated to me, but still I am plagued with ?what ifs?. If we?d saved you that night, would it just be prolonging the inevitable or would it have given you the time you needed to lose more weight and become healthier?

I?ve become friends with another online widow whose husband died suddenly of cardiomyopathy. He lived with it for four years, compared with the almost 14 you lived with yours. Rich, I sometimes wonder about what the doctor told us at Johns Hopkins in 1988 or 1989. You were doing so much better after that exam and the doctor said to us both, if you?d just lose fifty pounds you?d live to your seventies. What happened?

What if you had lost all the weight you needed to lose? Would that doctor have been right or would you still have died when you did? Were you depressed or unhappy with me and the kids, and that?s why instead of losing weight you kept gaining more? I wish I could understand. I don?t know if it would help me to understand?did you feel that I was rejecting you? Well, at the end you were trying so hard and you did lose the forty pounds. I guess it just wasn?t in time. My heart is so full of sadness. I miss you so much, my darling. I wish that I could hold you again, caress your face, rub your belly, and scratch your goatee just once more.

Last night Mrs. Landlord called to remind us about the painters and I was too mad to talk to her. Heidi took the message. I sent them a rent check paying in full and a letter that expressed how I felt. Mr. Landlord said that if there was anything they could do to help me?hah! I wrote that it would have been helpful if he?d taken care of the plumbing problem when I called, rather than put the burden on me and imply that it was the ?rough? kids or my ?big? husband. It would have been more helpful if he, once I called with the news that it was not negligence, had immediately reimbursed me. But noooooo, I have to get a lawyer to write a letter for me. I resent it and I?m angry.

Roseanne says it would be better to stay where we are; so does Steve and most all of my friends. They are right. I shouldn?t just react because the Devil I know is better than the Devil I don?t know. As far as I?m concerned, the ball is in the court. They can tell me that they won?t rent to me again. I really don?t give a damn?and I?m not giving up Amber. If that?s why I have to move, so be it.

So baby doll, I?m just going to try and relax and go with the flow and see what happens next. There was a big article in Newsday today, all about how Long Island has become the most expensive place to live. A nuclear family of four needs a post-tax combined income of $52,000 to make it here. Ha ha. A single mother with three kids needs $48,000 to make it here. I guess we?ll just have to see, eh?

The weather has been pleasant here today but I think it?s going to start getting hot again. We have a weekend birthday celebration planned in honor of you. I hope you like balloons.

I remember there was a really nasty heat wave when Billy was born. The other thing I just remembered is that you won the baby pool. My due date was supposed to be May 1 although I sort of insisted that I knew when I conceived and I was guessing May 11 or 12. You guessed Mother?s Day, May 10th. I remember being horrified. I didn?t want to be having a baby on Mother?s Day, I protested. Well, my water broke May 9th and Billy was born after 4 in the morning on Mother?s Day. My gift?our gift. The best Mother?s Day gift ever. I had a rose with every meal. It was so cool!

You spent almost every waking minute with me at the hospital. I didn?t think you were getting enough rest but was grateful for your presence. We were just so fascinated with Billy. He was born with a cone shaped head because his skull had to fit the narrow birth canal. He was tiny, red, and not very pretty but he was ours. I spent 2 or 3 days in the hospital?I don?t remember which?and I remember that Billy became crankier each day. I didn?t know what I was doing wrong or how to soothe him. Nurses came in to give us advice about what to do with a cranky baby, how to breastfeed and so on. I never quite got the knack of it. I?m so big chested you?d think it would have been easy but it was awkward and uncomfortable. Still, I tried.

The weekend Billy came home from the hospital, you got sick. I remember being upset because not only did I not have help for Billy but you were also feeling so bad you needed to be cared for. I look back at that now and wonder if that was the beginning of it all. When you got better, you?d sit up with Billy who would be wide awake from 2 in the morning until about 6 and sleep like he was in a coma the rest of the day. I remember you used to pick Billy up and sort of sail him around overhead playing with him but also trying to wake him. You and Billy watched the Iran-Contra hearings together in the wee hours of the morning so that I could sleep. And you did not get enough sleep yourself.

We had this group of pediatricians taking care of Billy. Eventually we ended up calling the Dr. Moe, Dr. Larry & Dr. Curley after the Three Stooges. Billy wasn?t gaining a lot of weight and he was spitting up an awful lot. Then I noticed an ammonia smell in his diaper. We took him to that practice and they discovered that he had a fever. He had to be admitted to Holy Cross Hospital. What a horrible experience it was! In Baltimore, a couple?s baby had just been stolen from the Johns Hopkins Hospital and I was wild with fear that it would happen to us.

The doctors had to do a spinal test on Billy to see if he had meningitis. They took him to another room but we could hear him screaming and we held on to each other and cried. It was horrible. They put Billy on IV antibiotics and he looked so helpless in the bed. I refused to leave him. I wouldn?t leave the room even to get a meal and so the nurse ordered meals brought to me because I was nursing Billy. She was very sweet and tried to encourage me to take a break and walk around but I wouldn?t. I was too afraid.

One night there was a fire alarm. You?d just arrived but went to the car to get something when the alarms went off and the police and fire department arrived. The nurse told me all the doors were locked and that people were being stopped in the lobby and not allowed back up. I knew you?I knew you?d be frantic and that you?d try to make your way upstairs somehow. About a half hour later, you came in the door! You managed to get around the guard and sneaked up a back staircase to get back to us. I was so relieved to see you, but at the same time I became even more convinced that it wouldn?t be safe to leave Billy alone in the room.

Billy and I spent a week in the hospital. After we were discharged, the Head Idiot doctor of that practice managed to terrify us with gloom and doom predictions of dire infections, kidney transplants?I was so scared I shut down producing milk and we put Billy on a formula.

We found another pediatrician to go to. I?ll never forget her. She was so gentle and such a quiet, caring pediatrician. She explained things clearly to us?that Billy had a narrowed ureter but it wasn?t anything to be alarmed about. She prescribed a prophylactic antibiotic for Billy to take for one year and then he could be tested again to see if his ureter opened up. If not we would have to consider surgery then. What a relief to the two of us!

We made arrangements to have Billy christened at the First Presbyterian Church. It was an okay, modern looking church. We didn?t stay there very long?just long enough to get Billy baptized. Your father and Alberta came down, and my parents came. My parents really embarrassed me. After the church service they high-tailed it back to our apartment so they could break into the beer. :P

Except for that cold you had that just wouldn?t go away, we had a pretty nice summer after that.

Widow Support Messages
posted 07-27-2001 08:56 PM

This is going to be something of a weird weekend. The 12 year old has
mononeucleosis and feels terrible most of the time.
We did a little apartment/house hunting today. Might try some more tomorrow
or maybe just kick back and relax.
***********************************

posted 07-27-2001 09:36 PM

It's hard to tell this story. I don't feel so numbed out anymore and I miss
Rich. I'm angry and lonely and resentful at the same time I'm thinking I'm
so glad that I had him in my life and that we had so many good times--even
in between all the financial disasters.
Rich had Marfan syndrome, diagnosed in 1987, congestive heart failure and
cardiomyopathy too. He had surgery and was in stable condition. Still, one
doctor told me one time don't have any more children with "this man" or make
any heavy duty financial commitments because he probably wouldn't be around
in 5 years. It was a great shock to me...Rich was only 27 at the time. We
had a six month old son and I was already pregnant with our second child.
Well, when the fifth year rolled around I was pregnant for the third time.
So much for listening to doctors' advice.
Rich went for regular check ups, had his blood drawn, had echos and remained
in stable condition. I guess I got complacent.
Rich passed out at work in April. He had an episode of a-fib and it didn't
go away and so he fainted. He'd had this a-fib off and on since 1987. He was
stabilized with a procedure called cardioversion--he hated it because he
woke up on the last shock. He said he couldn't describe that kind of pain.
The medication the doctors prescribed kept him in a normal sinus rhythm and
so he was discharged from the hospital May 1.
For the last couple of years, the pain in his joints (legs) has been
increasing so that it was hard to walk. We curtailed a lot of our activities
and we went out whenever he was feeling well enough. The passion between us
grew stronger if anything.
He began to feel better and so we got things to help him get around and be
comfortable...a cane, a chair, a pull-along cooler. We talked about seeing
people more often, going to church, going on picnics, visiting fun places
with the kids...Rich liked to daydream about what we'd do when we retired.
And then...on May 23, he died.
The day began normally (May 22). We chatted on the way to work and it looked
a little cloudy and stormy after work and on a whim we decided to order out
the pizza special--a pizza, ziti, a meatball hero and a dozen garlic knots,
plenty for a family of five. Only...they didn't have the knots and sent
garlic bread instead. My daughter says now that the bread was cursed, as if
this happened by magic.
Around 11 that night he said, sounding scared, "It's happening again." I
knew he meant the a-fib. I called the cardiologist. A-fib is not a lethal
irregularity. Many people have it without even knowing it. The doctor
advised Rich totake a digoxin and try to sleep. After all, Rich had just
been in for a follow-up two or three days before and was fine!
I held his hand and we talked. I remember how he took my hand and brushed
his cheek with it and kissed my fingers. He said he was sorry to keep
putting me through this. He said he was afraid to be cardioverted again. He
worried he wouldn't be able to drive anymore. I tried to reassure him. Don't
worry, I said, maybe you'll go back to a normal heartbeat if you relax. And
I told him he had nothing to apologize for, I loved him no matter what. We
tried to sleep; he couldn't. He got up at 1 and said he wanted to go
downstairs and watch TV. He'd done that many times before too and so I said,
"Want me to watch TV with you?" and he said no, he'd be fine, I should
sleep, I needed to rest. So I went back to bed. I wasn't afraid...I really
thought he'd be all right. If there is one thing I'd change it's that I
would have stayed with him...
When my son and I got up at 6 the next morning, he was gone and had been
gone for several hours. I couldn't believe it. This is not how it was
supposed to go. I kept waiting for someone to wake me up from this
nightmare.
But this nightmare is real. It's the way it is now and it hurts really bad.

**************************************

posted 07-28-2001 10:12 PM

The sig line I'm using is a favorite of Rich's:
"Ya gotta believe" by Tug McGraw, who used to manage the NY Mets baseball
team. This is an underdog team most of the time but sometimes they pull off
miracles. I believe that Rich is with me, somethings have happened to
convince me but I haven't dreamed about Rich yet. And I want to. So it's
also encouragement for me. Someday.

******************************

posted 07-28-2001 10:16 PM

I have a similar concern, too. I have a 14 year old son, a brilliant kid,
extremely bright. Rich was the one who could talk math and science to Billy
because Rich is the only one brighter My son tells me things and I have NO
idea what he's talking about. Rich used to understand but now he's gone. The
male role model...gone. Worse, Billy found his dead. So I worry about Billy
on different levels.
*******************************

posted 07-29-2001 06:34 PM

We were all watching South Park the other night and it was about how Cartman
(the bad kid) lucks out and has wonderful things happen to him while Kyle
(the good kid) always has this bad luck. So then they did the story of Job.
And my daughter said, "You know, mom, bad stuff keeps happening to us and if
I knew God was just doing this to win a bet with the Devil I would really
hate Him." It did seem pretty cruel to me.
I can get where we are not promised a pain-free life but sometimes I want to
ask: "Why? Over and over and over again? When will You stop picking on us?"
It wasn't enough that Rich had a sick heart and was in pain and then died
and I lost the love of my life. Even that is not enough. It goes on
still--the landlord and my daughter's mono and the uncertainty of whether we
can continue to live here...
Enough is too much already!
My pastor didn't like the song "From a Distance" because to him it implied
an indifferent God. Well, He seems indifferent to me.
And one person said to me, the reason we suffer so much is so that we'll
want the paradise that is heaven that much more. It took all the strength I
had not to laugh in her face. Give me a break! Please!
*******************************

posted 07-30-2001 12:04 PM

((((((((Starting Over)))))))))))
You are *not* a cold hearted person because you didn't want your husband to
suffer. I think you loved Michael very much and the decisions you made took
a lot of courage. Rich and I talked about these issues when he had heart
surgery in 1987. He said at that time he did not want to be on a respirator
and he didn't want all these things done to try and save him if there was no
quality of life. Of course, right before the surgery, he changed his mind
and said, "Tell them to do what they need to do to save me." He was willing
to try the Jaarvik heart (it was brand new then) if it came to that. Well,
luckily it didn't come to that.
The night he developed the arrythmia again he said very clearly, "I don't
want to be cardioverted again." Sometimes I think to myself that he went the
way he did in order to get away from all that and from the pain.
Families can say and do very mean things. They strike out because of the
pain that they are in. I think much later, your in-laws will realize that
you were doing the best you could for Michael and that it was for the best
this way.
If they reach out to you, accept them if you can. When time has gone by and
when you can all talk about it without so much pain, they may see where you
were coming from and that you were acting in Michael's best interest.
*******************************

posted 07-30-2001 12:09 PM

Rich and I started out as friends. We'd get together in a group at break
time at work and sit around bs'ing. I liked his sense of humor--he had a
biting wit and usually had me rolling. He was also very gentle and very
courtly. I remember he'd light my cigarettes for me (this is when we both
smoked). He didn't seem to be especially handsome, very tall, blonde hair
but very very thick glasses. After we began dating he took his glasses off
and it was then I could see how beautiful his eyes were, a lovely shade of
blue, very expressive, very loving.

July 26, 2001
Hi Sweetie,

Our Heidi has mononucleosis! Apparently that nasty looking throat I saw is very indicative of mono, poor kid. Her throat is sore and she?s gargling with salt water with a little lemon in it. Her glands aren?t swollen or anything in her stomach or under her arms so I guess she?s just in the beginning stages. So much for us going to Pennsylvania.

Linda and Dave and the kids are coming out on August 5th and I had to tell her about Heidi. I hope she doesn?t change her mind about coming?I?m going to call your brother Steven and Ann and ask if they?ll bring their kids. I guess you will get balloons twice. I hope you like the balloons.

I got health insurance for us now, me and the kids. It?s going to be about $450 a month and then another $77 for the dental, but that?s MUCH better than the COBRA plan. That would have been $800. I?m relieved?and Judy says the Hartford will be sending a check directly to me.

Your father wanted me to rent a car to drive to PA to see him and Alberta but I have to pick a different weekend now.

And last night?s bereavement group was a real bust. I don?t see the point of me being there anyway. It?s good for the girls. They made a feeling box and they put down words describing how they feel about losing you. I wish the ?parent rap? facilitator had us do that. I am so pissed at her.

She started out by saying that she had no idea what the girls would be working on so I was turned off right away. Then she sounded like she was being critical of having more than one support group?well Hospice MAKES us come to these things because the kids are here! And she was like, well, if this is the only group you come to you should do all your grieving here instead of going to other groups and on the Internet, you spread yourself too thin. I thought: you have a lot of nerve?and THAT is not the group I?d choose to do my grieving with. It?s a polyglot of people, some of whom don?t even belong!
It felt like this facilitator was being critical of two of us who have found support on the Internet. One woman, who lost her stepdaughter, pointed out that she has individual counseling, and then she comes for group for each of her daughters so she feels as if she should ?just point the car here and drive?. Then they got into talking about all pain is the same and it doesn?t matter if you lost a grandparent or a spouse. I was ready to jump through the roof there. And then the facilitator said, ?I can?t imagine anything worse than losing a child. It?s worse than losing a spouse.? I thought: HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Then this one man began talking about why he was there. He has a 12 year old foster son who has been in and out of the system since he was 7. Both the kid?s parents were alcoholics. When he was 9, the boy found his father on the floor, dead of a massive heart attack. He was with his mother until last October when the social worker came and found mother drinking with her buddies. He went to this man?s house then. Two months ago, the boy goes with his mother and SHE drops dead in a parking lot. The man just sounded totally callous. He was trying to get someone in the boy?s family to take him. No one wants this poor kid. The social worker asked if the man and his wife would like to adopt the boy. The man was resentful. He?s into foster care (read into the money?) not adoption. By then I felt sick to my stomach. I got up and left the room and didn?t go back.

We saw more butterflies. Heidi felt someone touch her. I found a butterfly in this new book I?m reading, Hello From Heaven. And the book made several references to butterflies: ?How does one become a butterfly?? she asked pensively. ?You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.??Trina Paulus
And when a caterpillar dies, a butterfly is born. You really are sending me butterflies, aren?t you?

I love you my darling with all my heart. I don?t think I?ll ever stop missing you.
Always yours,
Me

Widow Support Board:

Born Again,
I'm thankful for your post. There was another post earlier that focused on
something good that happened during the week. I liked that one too. I feel
so down sometimes I don't know where up is and it's just nice to focus on
positive things for a change.
I'm thankful that I had Rich in my life.
I'm thankful that when he died, he was at home and that he just seemed to go
to sleep, no pain.
I'm thankful that my father-in-law came with me to the funeral home but
didn't try to influence any of my decisions about the service or Rich's
cremation.
I'm thankful that Rich and I have three beautiful children together.
I'm thankful for the support and love from Rich's family.
I'm thankful for WidowNet.
I'm thankful for my online friends, people at work who understand, and
neighbors who have been so supportive.
I'm thankful that the sticky heat wave broke and I can enjoy the offshore
breeze this evening.
I'm grateful for sunrises and sunsets; they are so beautiful.
I'm grateful that I can hear and see--there are so many beautiful sights and
sounds around me. I'm thankful for my health.
I'm thankful that I can work and make a decent living and support me and the
kids.
I'm thankful for the butterflies Rich has been sending me.
I'm thankful for the time people give me at work to write letters to Rich in
my journal.
I'm thankful for VCRs and movies.
I'm thankful that Falcon Crest and Dark Shadows are on television at some
point of the day.
I'm thankful that writing this post helped me feel better.
******************

My daughter asked why God took her daddy and let all the bad people live. I
thought and thought and tried to remember what that book said, "Why Bad
Things Happen to Good People". Lynne remembers it better than I did. I said
to my daughter, "It wasn't God. Daddy's heart was sick and it just couldn't
take anymore and so it stopped." So why did Rich have to be born with Marfan
syndrome? Why did he have to have cardiomyopathy? Why did his heart quit
just as we were really beginning to enjoy new aspects of our marriage--an
increasing amount of privacy, time to be together, etc etc? I have *NO*
idea. It's like that saying stuff (you know what I mean) happens.
How do I get by without Rich? I don't even know that yet...this is all still
so new.
************************

Undated ... Probably July 25, 2001
Hi baby,

Nine weeks today. It seems like an eternity ago although it hasn?t really been all that long.

I heard from your sister yesterday and then again today. She?s coming down the weekend of your birthday and wanted to get together on Sunday August 5th. I think it?s a great idea. She mentioned getting Steven and Ann over here too and I?d like to. Maybe we can send you balloons twice? I wrote to her about the chat rooms and boards for grieving sibs but she is not into that. She says she goes to the website I made for you to ?visit? you and that she talks to someone who?s lost a sister.

It?s okay. Everyone grieves differently. I know that.

Billy got into it with another neighbor at the pool yesterday. He?s a great kid but sometimes I could just strangle him. We got a letter from the management about how guests are not allowed in the pool or at the tennis court without the presence of the residents. So anyway, Heidi, Kristin and I left the pool (they?re not old enough to be there without me) and Billy stayed. This resident came and let two older men onto the tennis court and then he went away.

One of the women at the pool (the red headed bitch-woman, remember her? Bitch in charge, or something, whatever it was you called her?) called the COPS and they came and she wanted them to make the men leave. So Billy spoke up and said they could be HIS guests and the police told him to go play in the pool. The woman turned on Billy and said how would he like it if strangers came in and took over the pool? I told Billy that as un-Christian as that woman was being it was NOT Billy?s business to get in the middle of it. He doesn?t see it that way.

Speaking of Billy, the two of us went to another special ed committee meeting today and wow! Billy has an IQ of 145?our boy is a genius! But when they did written motor skills, it?s like he?s 9 years old. So next year they are giving him unlimited computer use, unlimited time for tests, and now he?s going to begin to get occupational therapy! Hallelujah!!!! Billy is much more motivated and a bit more together?I?ll bet you are proud of him, sweetheart. He really is trying.

Poor Heidi! She is really sick! I had been leaving messages for the doctor to change her medication since Monday and NO ONE called me. Today I looked in her throat and her right tonsil was enlarged and practically dripping pus. :P So I took her right in and the doctor prescribed ceftin for her and also drew blood for a strep test. Some of the blood work came back and I have to call the doctor back and find out what?s what.

If I don?t get a chance to write more today, you know I love you. And you know?we?ve all been seeing the butterflies, my love.

Love,
Me

Widow Support Board

I've always been Irishcoda, even before WN.
Irish because I'm Norwegian and
coda means that I have deaf parents.
Background on that--a coda in music is the closing section that is distinct
from the rest of the piece of music, part of the piece but different. And
Codas are like that, we look and act like everyone but we are different. Our
deaf parents have their own language and culture and we are part of that
too. Millie Brother, the founder of the coda organization picked the name
because she loved music and felt that it fit.
And for the people who like acronymns, someone came up with Children Of Deaf
Adults (CODA). I don't particularly care for that, I am not a child.

July 24, 2001
Hi sweetie,
What a bitch of a day yesterday! I got a letter in the mail from that Hartford Life Insurance group. This claims representative sent back my letter AND the death certificate with a snotty ?To whom it may concern? letter saying I needed to send it to the employer and that they refused to hold on to it. I really flipped. Now I know what keening is. I heard this wild, grieving, crying wail and realized it was ME.

I called Rich C (a vice president at Rich's company) and left a somewhat hysterical message for him and also called Judy and Elissa (Human Resources). They got right on it. Meanwhile I wrote an angry letter back to this Ms. D?Angelo creature who had my name and address and knew I was the widow but chose to address me as ?To Whom It may Concern.? The nerve! I got my back bone back, I think you would have been proud as you used to say you were. I got a real ?don?t fuck with me attitude?.

Heidi hit Billy so I told her she couldn?t use the computer and she banged her head against the door and ran out (she was going to baby-sit Ashley). Luckily Roseanne called and I explained what was going on. Things are just escalating with this kid and so Roseanne?s going to arrange (or try to) for individual counseling for Heidi. I think she needs it.

And I finished up that driver?s ed class! Now I just have to call the insurance company and let them know.

Alberta emailed me to find out whether we were still coming to PA this weekend. I had a funny feeling they didn?t want us to, maybe, and I emailed back to ask for driving directions. Now you?d think that having sent me an email, she?d check her mail for an answer? Haven?t heard anything! I?d rather just stay home, sweetheart. It?s been such a rough week?

Love you,
Me

Widow Support Board:

Hi JanieP,
I am sorry to 'meet' you here but I'm glad you found this board. The people
have been so helpful to me. Coming here and reading the posts and posting
myself helps so much.
My 14 year old son found my husband, who died some time during the early
morning hours of May 23. Rich couldn't sleep and was downstairs watching TV
when he went into cardiac arrest and Billy came down at 6 a.m. and found
him.
I am sure that Billy has been affected by that and by grief but he is
holding it all close to him. Worse, a couple of people have told him he's
"the man of the house now" and I wish they hadn't done that. He is reluctant
to open up and talk.
I contacted a hospice and right now my daughters are going for bereavement
support. My son will go to a group in a couple of weeks.
Being in a group with kids his age might help your son express himself too.

Try Not to Make Major Changes the First Year
There's a reason for that: for me, it's because I was very emotional and most definitely not always thinking straight. Looking back, I realize that many times I just plain over-reacted. Just as an example, I posted on a message board about a problem that came up with the landlord. Normally this is a misunderstanding that could have been resolved easily but I got angry and reacted volatilely. It almost cost me a lot of money!

July 23, 2001
Dear Rich,

Yesterday I saw the butterflies. There were about three, four, maybe five of them together lighting on the clover behind the house. I saw them at the pool, two, about two of them, and I saw one the day before. I am really having a very hard time though, damn it! Why did you have to die? Who is going to grow old with me and retire with me now? I didn?t want it to be with anyone else.

And now you are not there to help me with Heidi. She is so mean and vicious I can hardly stand her sometimes. She hits and claws Billy and Kristin. Last night she got into Kristin?s journal and tore it up, Kristin?s letter and story to you. Nothing I do or say seems to matter to her. She just feels that she?s always on the short end of the stick, no matter what we do for her or how we try to accommodate her needs.

One of the people here at TRI said I need to find a consequence that works with her and then use it but I haven?t had any luck with that. Nothing seems to faze her.

She?s complaining that her tonsil still hurts. I took her to the doctor on Friday?she has an infection all right and has been taking the zithromax but it doesn?t seem to be working for her. I called the doctor again to get her prescription changed. Meantime, she?s crying and carrying on because she didn?t want to go to the camp. Well, I wasn?t about to let her stay home?not after what she did.

What in God?s name am I supposed to do? Why the hell did you have to leave me?

Oh yeah?and if that wasn?t enough, I posted this on the WN board:

I need a little perspective on this and hope you guys can help me out.

Rich and I moved into a really nice townhouse with a great school district, convenient shopping, transportation, etc. Problem was the landlords. When we came from MD we told our realtor that we had a cat and he said no problem. We put the security deposit down on the house and then when we signed the lease they were like, oh, here's a rider too...and the rider said NO dogs or cats. We were furious but we really liked the house.

Have had little to no contact with these landlords in the almost 2 years we're here. The lease is up on Oct. 31, and Rich and I agreed we'd like to stay...and then he died on May 23rd. I paid my rent in May and then with the June rent, I sent a letter explaining what happened to Rich and saying I'd like to stay on, could afford to, liked the schools, etc...and heard nothing until last week when Mrs. Landlord called while I was at work. She left a message with Heidi asking if we were okay, she was sorry, and she needed to talk to Mr. Landlord who was still out of town. So I called back and acknowledged the message.

Yesterday, I notice the floor outside the bathroom is wet. I don't see any leaking or anything but I assume it's the toilet, shut off the water, called a plumber and called a left a message with the landlord. Later, Mr. Landlord calls back and talks to my son, doesn't even ask for me, and leaves this message: you take care of it, it's in the lease, and oh, we'll work something out for continuing to rent.

I was really pissed. I looked at the lease (hey what widow of 2 months would even THINK to do that?) and all it says is: "Tenant must take good care of the unit and all equipment and fixtures in it. Tenant must, at Tenant's cost make all repairs and replacements whenever the need results from Tenant's act or neglect..." I thought: that doesn't apply...
I call Mr. Landlord back and leave another message saying you know, I've been really dealing with A LOT since Rich died, never occurred to me to look at the lease, what on earth did his message mean, maybe my son got it wrong? Please *ask for me*!!!!

So he calls back and is really nice and says he and his wife were so sorry to hear about Rich etc. As for the plumber, it's on me and I said, why? It's the plumbing, we didn't do anything to it. He says, well, you know how kids can be...so rough...and I said uh uh no way and then he says, "Well, your husband WAS a big man..."

I nearly blew then.

I just bit back my words and said, "My husband has been gone for eight weeks."

Mr. Landlord says, "Well, let's see what the plumber says."

The plumber took one look and said contemptuously: "Oh, an American Standard toilet. They use the cheapest material they can find. Sometimes toilet can be one year old and the gasket goes." I asked him to write it onto the receipt.
I don't know if the landlord will reimburse me for this and I think I was rooked. Now I don't want to live here anymore. Am I over-reacting?

Oh and Mr. Landlord said, don't worry we won't throw you out (how nice); we'll go on renting to you, we'll work something out (sounds very vague to me...lease?)...I was too upset and tired to ask about it at the time and now I'm just too darn mad.
I also told the SOB about the loose tiles. He said he wanted to come and see it for himself. Yippee?something else he can blame us for.

I hate all of this. None of this is easy. Is this what you were talking about at the last reading when you said it would all work out eventually?

I am SO angry. I had to cover my nose and mouth with my hands and take some long slow breaths. That helped a little bit I guess but I feel unstable, very volatile. I probably shouldn?t even be here today but what am I going to do? We need the money.
Will try to write later,
Love,
Me

More Widow Support Board Entries
July 23, 2001

The people on the board are here for you.
Rich's birthday is coming up on August 4th. I am having a rough time myself
and I'm hoping that good memories will help me get through it. I was going
to have people come over for a BBQ and release balloons into the air.
You don't owe the jerk trying to ask you out any explanation. You don't
really owe anything to anyone--your feelings and actions are your own
business. I am wearing my wedding ring too. As far as I am concerned I AM
married.
************************

((((((Steve))))))
Let's campaign to drop Wednesday from the week. I count Wednesdays too. This
Wednesday is #9.
Some of the numbness is wearing off and Brian is right about the roller
coaster. Sometimes the numbness is suddenly not there and it's like that
ride where the floor drops out from beneath you?
I used to get through the day because I felt like I was in an Alfred
Hitchcock movie or an episode of Twilight Zone. And I was just waiting for
the filming to be done so I could go back to my "real" life.
Now it's different because when stuff happens it hits me that *this* is the
new real life, kid, no going back.
It bites.
**************************

I needed to vent. I could not believe what I found in the mail today.
I sent the forms back to Rich's company weeks ago for the insurance policy
and the H.R. person, Judy, sent all the paperwork to The Hartford. When I
didn't hear anything, I called her and she soon called back, upset and
apologetic. They claimed not to have received anything and she was faxing
them the forms but they were demanding an original certified death
certificate. Judy gave me the Hartford's address and I sent it overnight
express with a cover letter. I was very unhappy looking at the certificate
because it was just so 'cold'.
I looked at it again today ... in the envelope I opened from The Hartford.
Out came my letter with the death certificate and on a plain piece of paper,
the claims support associate wrote my name, my address and knowing full well
(if she read my letter) that I was the widow, addressed me as To Whom It May
Concern: and informed me she was returning everything to me because "we have
no claim on file...You must send the attached death certificate to the
employer...We will not be responsible to hold this. Thank you for your
cooperation in this matter."
Hey, at least she thanked me.
I called Judy and she was horrified. She said she'd call me right back and,
I assume, got on the phone to this insensitive idiot. Meanwhile, I learned
what keening is. I heard this weird noise, sounded partly like a cry and
partly like screaming and realized, hey, it's ME making this strange noise
and I'm crying with missing Rich and wanting him and being pissed at him all
rolled up into one.
What I felt for the insurance company claim support associate is unprintable
on this list. I mentally went through every single disgusting curse word
you can think of relating to body parts and acts and other evil stuff and
then decided I was going to write a polite letter to her and her boss and
let her know how much I did NOT appreciate the way they handled this. I'm
making a copy to send back to the boss and to my husband's company as well.
Judy was so upset that she was also calling their representative to discuss
dropping that company and going with another life insurance company for the
employees. Rich's company is demanding that the Hartford pay on the claim
immediately--they acknowledge receiving the faxed copy of the claim and
didn't have an adequate explanation for returning the death certificate to
me. I said to Judy, "Ya know, the CEO of the company came to Rich's wake.
HE could call the Hartford and say, 'Yeah, I saw the body. Richard is
really, most sincerely dead.'" We got a ghoulish laugh out of that. :P
Right now I'm in the mode that Rich says he admired about me--DFWM, which
goes for The Hartford and Mr. and Mrs. Landlord, too
************************

I love to talk about Rich, thanks for starting this thread, Flo. I sent part
of this post to someone else so I'm cheating a little. I met Rich at work in
1983. It was a part time summer job for me. I was a telephone interviewer
for a market research company and he was a quality control editor. I was
just getting out of a bad relationship (on the advice of a radio show
psychic believe it or not), Rich was not "my type" but he was a nice guy,
nice smile, witty...the other thing I remember is very thick glasses. Most
of the time when I saw him he was slouched in his chair so I didn't realize
how tall he was (six five then), Anyway, a bunch of us would sit together
during break time and more often than not, Rich and I ended up in the same
group of people.
One night I finished up the last call of the evening and went to the parking
lot and about jumped out of my skin when I heard him call to me. He'd been
waiting for me to come out because he wanted to ask me out and was too shy
to ask in front of people. I said sure, I'd like to go out with him but I
was usually very busy (duh). He said, okay, I'll give you my phone number
and you call me when you're not busy. I went home and thought about it a few
days. Like I said, I had shaken off a guy I was very physically attracted to
but was bad for me. I'd called in to this radio talk show and was the last
caller of the evening. Gave the psychic my birthdate and the guy's and he
said I'm sorry, he's no good, break it off. I see you meeting someone later
and becoming involved in the fall, someone you wouldn't expect to fall
for...etc.
So I felt burned by this other guy and at the same time, I thought--could
Rich be the one? He's not "my type"!!! Still, he's nice and fun to be
around...what the hell...let's try a date, what's the worst that could
happen? So I called him. And we went out for the first time Oct 1. I thought
he was about 25, he thought I was about 25. Truth--I was 28, he was 22.
One thing we loved to do was watch old movies. One night 'Casablanca' was on
and I invited him over to watch it with me. He said he'd bring Chinese
carryout and futzed around in my kitchen fixing our plates. It seemed to
take him forever just to put the food on plates! Anyway we watched the
movie, it is SO romantic. And during the scene when Rick and Ilsa are in
Paris Rich gave me a fortune cookie and was after me to open it, so I did to
humor him and what was inside was a little slip of paper that said "Will you
marry me?"
I still have the fortune cookie and the message, it's sealed up in a jar. I
thought maybe he'd gotten the people at the restaurant to put the message in
but no! He'd gotten their fortune out and slipped his message into the
cookie without breaking it! Ah, he was so romantic...
******************

((((((((Nac5Mom)))))))))))
I'm sorry you are here, too, but I'm glad you found this board. It helped me
so much to come here and post and read the posts.
People here will give you the hugs and support you need...they did for me.
My husband died suddenly on May 23. He had a heart condition but he'd been
stable for 13 years, was hospitalized for atrial fibrillation (the
cardiologists didn't seem to be worried, his follow-ups were fine, the tests
looked good, he was feeling better)...but we (I) didn't see it coming. He
was my best friend, my life. Four weeks later I was still numb and feeling
like I was dream walking.
Just this weekend the reality has begun to set in. Feeling numb was easier.
I have three kids, 14, 12, and 9.
Please come back as often as you need to. There is an email list, too, from
WN. I belong to it and the people there are supportive too, many of them
post here.
I found that visiting the board, the list, and another site for widows,
www.groww.org has helped me cope, and I hope it will help you too.
**********************

July 22, 2001

I don't know if this is going to work or not but I thought I would try to
face the first special date head on. Rich's birthday is August 4. He would
have been 41. I invited friends to come over for a barbeque. I am having a
dozen or two balloons inflated with helium and getting magic markers and we
can write messages on them. Then we'll let them go.
I am hoping it helps us.
If nothing else, Rich will get a good laugh out of it...
*******************

I feel jealous of couples my age. I have already distanced myself from a
couple of friends (not their fault) because I can't stand to see them
together, holding hands, kissing...enjoying what Rich and I should have been
enjoying.
No one else has died by me but I have a feeling I would not feel jealous
about that.
************************

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 4:23 PM EDT
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