Try Not to Make Major Changes the First Year
There's a reason for that: for me, it's because I was very emotional and most definitely not always thinking straight. Looking back, I realize that many times I just plain over-reacted. Here is an example:

June 22, 2001

I need a little perspective on this and hope you guys can help me out.
Rich and I moved into a really nice townhouse with a great school district,
convenient shopping, transportation, etc. Problem was the landlords. When we
came from MD we told our realtor that we had a cat and he said no problem.
We put the security deposit down on the house and then when we signed the
lease they were like, oh, here's a rider too...and the rider said NO dogs or
cats. We were furious but we really liked the house.
Have had little to no contact with these landlords in the almost 2 years
we're here. The lease is up on Oct. 31, and Rich and I agreed we'd like to
stay...and then he died on May 23rd. I paid my rent in May and then with the
June rent, I sent a letter explaining what happened to Rich and saying I'd
like to stay on, could afford to, liked the schools, etc...and heard nothing
until last week when Mrs. Landlord called while I was at work. She left a
message with Heidi asking if we were okay, she was sorry, and she needed to
talk to Mr. Landlord who was still out of town. So I called back and
acknowledged the message.
Yesterday, I notice the floor outside the bathroom is wet. I don't see any
leaking or anything but I assume it's the toilet, shut off the water, called
a plumber and called a left a message with the landlord. Later, Mr. Landlord
calls back and talks to my son, doesn't even ask for me, and leaves this
message: you take care of it, it's in the lease, and oh, we'll work
something out for continuing to rent.
I was really pissed. I looked at the lease (hey what widow of 2 months would
even THINK to do that?) and all it says is: "Tenant must take good care of
the unit and all equipment and fixtures in it. Tenant must, at Tenant's cost
make all repairs and replacements whenever the need results from Tenant's
act or neglect..." I thought: that doesn't apply...
I call Mr. Landlord back and leave another message saying you know, I've
been really dealing with A LOT since Rich died, never occurred to me to look
at the lease, what on earth did his message mean, maybe my son got it wrong?
Please *ask for me*!!!!
So he calls back and is really nice and says he and his wife were so sorry
to hear about Rich etc. As for the plumber, it's on me and I said, why? It's
the plumbing, we didn't do anything to it. He says, well, you know how kids
can be...so rough...and I said uh uh no way and then he says, "Well, your
husband WAS a big man..."
I nearly blew then.
I just bit back my words and said, "My husband has been gone for eight
weeks."
Mr. Landlord says, "Well, let's see what the plumber says."
The plumber took one look and said contemptuously: "Oh, an American Standard
toilet. They use the cheapest material they can find. Sometimes toilet can
be one year old and the gasket goes." I asked him to write it onto the
receipt.
I don't know if the landlord will reimburse me for this and I think I was
rooked. Now I don't want to live here anymore. Am I over-reacting?
Oh and Mr. Landlord said, don't worry we won't throw you out (how nice);
we'll go on renting to you, we'll work something out (sounds very vague to
me...lease?)...I was too upset and tired to ask about it at the time and now
I'm just too darn mad.
Sorry this is so long.


Normally, this is a misunderstanding that could have been easily worked out. I totally flipped out, though, and it took almost a major financial blunder to realize it....

Entries on Widow Support Board
July 22, 2001

My situation is a little different than yours. I have a "toxic" family and
long ago decided that it was healthier for us NOT to have contact with them.
I've been pestered by people saying I should "forgive and forget". The only
thing I did do was for my own health...I let go of the anger. I told myself,
they are who they are and they are not going to change. I still don't have
contact with them but I'm not angry either.
I would never tell you to "forgive and forget" when what happened was so
hurtful to you and your wife. You don't have to see any of these people or
talk to them if you don't want to. If there is a way to release the anger it
would be better for your health.
**********************************

July 21, 2001

I'm struggling with the Grief Monster too. My husband Rich died on May 23
and on Wednesday it was 8 weeks. I sorta got through that but I'd been in a
state of shock or something, still found it hard to believe but on that day
it began to become more real. Now I'm crying almost all the time.
I try to keep myself busy because the busier I am the less I'm thinking
about Rich. But yes, it's bad at night. My little one is still in my room.
She is 9 years old and misses her dad although she's kind of quiet about it.
For a while both girls were with me--the older is 12--and it ws comforting
to not be all alone. The therapist said well, you probably ought to have the
little one go back to her own room and I thought, no, not until she's ready.
Why am I going to kick her out and then have to listen to her cry and she
has to listen to me cry? That's dumb.

July 19, 2001
My love,

After yesterday!|s bereavement session, I went into the chat room again to try and contact you. I truly believe that you are with me, and it!|s such a comfort to me that you are here. I miss you so much. I would love to be able to hold you and talk to you and feel your touch again, but I realize that it!|s not going to happen. It does help to know that you are there and that you are helping me; that I can lean on you. You bring words of reassurance and hope to me, and I think I can get through this somehow. I!|m not really alone. This is the log from the chat room:

<< 0:08] (Medium) you are up next!
[20:08] (Me) k
[20:08] (Medium) She wishes to reach her hubby
[20:08] (Medium) we will try now
[20:09] (Medium) give us a minute to focus

[20:11] (Medium) I get a big man
[20:12] (Me) yes
[20:12] (Medium) shows me a cough

Yes, I do remember the cough you had!Kit was sort of like a chronic thing. Allergies, I thought.

[20:12] (Me) k
[20:12] (Medium) also something in the chest area
[20:12] (Medium) gives a wink
[20:12] (Me) yes
[20:12] (Me) ;)

That would be your heart!Kand the a-fib and whatever it was that happened to you that night.

[20:12] (Medium) has a great smile
[20:12] (Medium) cute
[20:12] (Me) oh yes

I remember telling you this. Oh, you had such a lovely smile! And such beautiful blue eyes that most people couldn!|t see because of your glasses. Nice, smooth skin, almost like a baby!|s!K

[20:12] (Medium) talks about your waiting for something
[20:12] (Me) yes
[20:13] (Medium) are you waiting for something [20:13] (Me) yes

That seemed to be a reference to what I said at the !?rap!? session for parents at the bereavement group. I said that I still felt sort of numb because I felt like I was just playing a part in a Twilight Zone movie and I was just waiting for Rod Serling to come and tell me that the movie was over so I could go home now!Xback to my life with you. And I know it!|s NOT going to happen but still!Kand I!|m waiting to dream about you and to see you and feel you in my dreams.

[20:13] (Medium) sorry about my typing
[20:13] (Medium) says you were always a bit impatient
[20:13] (Medium) heehee

[20:13] (Me) fer sure!
[20:13] (Medium) and smiles big


Yes, that!|s right, Rich, you are so right on target!

[20:13] (Medium) says for you
[20:13] (Me) :-)
[20:13] (Medium) and here I am quoting him
[20:13] (Medium) to calm down
[20:13] (Medium) that you have been a little jumpy I guess is the word lately
[20:13] (Medium) make sense?
[20:14] (Me) yes
[20:14] (Medium) the jumpy is my attempt at a translation
[20:14] (Me) k

Here I thought you might be meaning my yearning to see or hear from you!Kand it could also be the uncertainty about what the E!|s are going to do, the new car, other financial concerns!K

[20:14] (Medium) he says things will sort out soon]that you will see
[20:14] (Medium) that things are really already sorting out
[20:14] (Medium) but hard to see
[20:14] (Medium) hard for you to see
[20:15] (Medium) says that you do not need to worry
[20:15] (Medium) about keeping everything on track
[20:15] (Medium) that you seem to have things on track
[20:15] (Medium) he also says with help from others
[20:15] (Medium) make sense?
[20:15] (Me) yes it does
[20:15] (Medium) k ty

Okay, understood this to be definitely that the help from others included Steve, the financial advisor, Susan the CPA, Mindy the attorney, Nancy, my dearest friend, other friends!K


[20:15] (Medium) says it will take some help from others
[20:15] (Medium) but you do not need to worry about that
[[20:16] (Medium) talks about you worries
[20:16] (Medium) worrying
[20:16] (Medium) the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach
[20:16] (Medium) make sense?
[20:16] (Me) yes
[20:16] (Medium) says that this is only worry
[[20:17] (Medium) that you will also get a feeling of
[20:17] (Medium) and this is a bit hard to translate but closest seems to be
richness
[20:17] (Medium) richness of life
[20:17] (Medium) not monetary

This I took to mean, enjoying the family gatherings, the trip to Jones Beach, the museum, the slide!Kenjoying life in general and nature and the ocean!K


[20:17] (Medium) that right now you are kind of skimming over
[20:17] (Medium) just trying to keep things going
[20:18] (Medium) putting one foot in front of the other
[20:18] (Medium) unsure of what is really
[20:18] (Medium) the right move
[20:18] (Medium) but soon you will start to feel some relief
[20:18] (Medium) and feel more of the richness of life
[20:18] (Medium) it will start to seep in
[20:18] (Medium) make sense Irish?
[20:19] (Me) in a way it does


At this point I thought: he must be referring to my unsurety about where we!|re going to live and about the car!K

[20:19] (Medium) any questions to ask him?
[20:19] (Me) I have two, is that okay?
[20:19] (Medium) sure
[20:19] (Medium) go ahead
[20:19] (Me) I wondered how you ended up where we found you, Rich
[20:20] (Medium) he is smiling at you Irish

What I was trying to ask was: how did you get from the sofa onto the floor? What happened to you? But either the question wasn!|t clear or you didn!|t choose to answer it.

[20:20] (Medium) is there a question you have?
[20:20] (Me) Smiling back
[20:20] (Me) who met you when you crossed over?
[20:21] (Medium) he shows me an older man
[20:21] (Medium) smaller than he
[20:21] (Medium) white hair
[20:21] (Medium) has quick energy this man
[20:21] (Medium) do you recognize him Irish?
[20:21] (Me) Yes I think I do!
[20:22] (Medium) :)
[20:22] (Me) :)
[20:22] (Medium) he seems to be there as well and is energetic
[20:22] (Medium) smiling as well
[20:22] (Medium) seems like a man who has places to go things to do
[20:22] (Me) awww :)

I was a little surprised. I thought it would have been your mother. But this sounded like Opa, your grandfather. We named Billy for him. Yes, he was a very active, energetic man when he was younger!Kvery alert and kind and lots of wonderful stories. He was so sweet.

[20:22] (Medium) your hubby is sending lots of love to you
[20:22] (Medium) whispers that he loves you
[20:22] (Me) I love you with all my heart, Rich
[20:23] (Me) can u hear what I'm thinking? ;)

I was thinking: Here!|s looking at you, kid and thinking about Casablanca and !YAs Time Goes By!|

[20:23] (Medium) showing me his taking you in his arms
[20:23] (Medium) as if to dance
[20:23] (Medium) but not really moving much
[20:23] (Me) yes
[20:23] (Me) :-)


This is the way we slow-danced. I thought of our wedding song and also of !?I Hope You Dance!?. I wondered if you were showing me that, symbolically, you are dancing now. Today another scene occurred to me too, the romantic Casablanca scene from the TV series Falcon Crest. You knew that was one of my favorites!Kmy favorite actor (David Selby) as Richard, dancing and romancing Maggie (played by Susan Sullivan).

[20:23] (Medium) says he is by your side
[20:23] (Medium) shows me an image of him at bedtime by you side
[20:23] (Medium) your
[20:24] (Medium) is sending wonderful gentle energy to you
[20:24] (Me) Oh I miss you most at night, Rich, I am glad you are
there

Oh, it was such a relief to know that you are there!
[20:24] (Medium) I keep getting some song
[20:24] (Medium) but I can not make it out sorry
[20:24] (Me) yes
[20:24] (Me) it could be one of a couple


I was thinking !?As Time Goes By!? or maybe !?I Hope You Dance!? and possibly even !?Because You Loved Me!? or even !?Stand By Me!?!K

[20:24] (Medium) he seems to be trying
[20:24] (Medium) but I am not great with songs
[20:24] (Medium) great
[20:25] (Me) do you get a word or an image?
[20:25] (Medium) but wants you to know that he is still yours
[20:25] (Medium) and loves you
[20:25] (Medium) says that is all you need to know
[20:25] (Me) Yes it is my love thank you
[20:25] (Medium) did you have any ore questions Irish?
[20:26] (Me) One...
[20:26] (Me) a silly one...
[20:26] (Medium) he says to stop sometimes and look around
[20:26] (Medium) he sends you butterflies
[20:26] (Medium) you
[20:26] (Me) I will look for them!
[20:26] (Medium) but you do not notice things around you now

You!|re right about that too, Rich! :P

[20:26] (Medium) great!
[20:26] (Medium) go ahead with you question
[20:26] (Me) lol, he's right! I'll try to look more closely...
[20:27] (Me) I was with some special people on Sunday, do you have a
message for any
of them?

I meant, of course, your family at the Volksfest and I thought about asking if you saw me on the slide but then thought that was kind of dumb!K

[20:27] (Medium) he laughs
[20:27] (Medium) lol says something about hell
[20:27] (Medium) as in I sure as hell do
[20:27] (Medium) and just laughs
[20:28] (Medium) says that they will not forget him anytime soon
[20:28] (Me) I am laughing too
[20:28] (Medium) there was something that he did
[20:28] (Medium) that they will remember
[20:28] (Medium) not like a great thing
[20:28] (Medium) more of like an embarrassing thing
[20:28] (Medium) make sense?
[20:28] (Me) in a way
[20:29] (Medium) something kind of well foolish
[20:29] (Medium) foolish
[20:29] (Medium) not like a wonderful thing
[20:29] (Medium) he laughs
[20:29] (Medium) and says you bet they will remember
[20:29] (Medium) remember
[20:29] (Medium) throws back his head
[20:29] (Medium) and laughs as though this has brought him enjoyment


Well, I wonder what that was about? I!|m not sure, Rich!

[20:29] (Medium) says you will not forget either
[20:30] (Medium) says that you had a good time together
[20:30] (Medium) some great memories
[20:30] (Me) Oh my yes
[20:30] (Medium) and shakes his head
[20:30] (Medium) says that they could not have happened with anyone else
[20:31] (Me) You are my soulmate Rich
[20:31] (Medium) he seems to say he is sorry
[20:31] (Medium) now
[20:31] (Medium) that things are so hard on you
[20:31] (Medium) that you were left
[20:31] (Medium) with all the cleaning up to do
[20:31] (Medium) after him
[20:31] (Medium) said he did not really realize the impact
[20:32] (Medium) his passing would have
[20:32] (Medium) on rearranging everything for you
[20:32] (Medium) knew that there would be a loss
[20:32] (Medium) but sees that everything has been thrown off kilter
[20:32] (Medium) now
[20:32] (Medium) shakes his head and says he is sorry for this
[20:32] (Medium) do you understand this Irish?
[20:32] (Me) yes
[20:33] (Medium) says that ore were affected
[20:33] (Medium) than he would have thought
[20:33] (Medium) seems quite sincere here
[20:33] (Me) I'm sorry I didn't stay with you, Rich, when you came
downstairs...I had no
idea anything would happen
[20:33] (Me) Don't be sorry
[20:33] (Me) We'll be all right, we just miss you so


I figured this must mean the trouble with the taxes, paying back the 401K loans, having to get health insurance on our own!K

[20:34] (Medium) says he will be helping you on his side
[20:34] (Medium) that you only need to ask for his help
[20:34] (Medium) has his arms across his chest now
[20:34] (Medium) arms
[20:34] (Medium) says you can lean on him
[20:34] (Medium) I am saying goodbye to him now Irish
[20:34] (Me) I knew you'd say something like that
[20:34] (Me) Here's looking at you, kid!
[20:35] (Me) thanks
[20:35] (Medium) he smiles
[20:35] (Medium) and says that that is between you two!
[20:35] (Me) k
[20:35] (Me) be in my dreams
[20:35] (Medium) says to save him a place in bad
[20:35] (Medium) bed

Well that sure sounds like you!!! ??

[20:35] (Medium) lol
[20:35] (Me) lol
[20:35] (Me) it's there
[20:35] (Medium) He is smiling big time now
[20:35] (Me) me too
[20:35] (Medium) I am saying goodbye
[20:36] (Me) goodnight my darling
[20:36] (Medium) (((((Me)))) (((Hubby))))
[20:36] (Me) Thank you
[20:36] (Medium) You are welcome Irish! >>

Well, I felt really good after that reading. I don!|t feel as desperate a need to try and talk to you because I feel like I can talk to you a little through my writing and my thoughts. I might try again just to ask what I should do with your ashes. ;) I know you didn!|t want me to bring you home but I don!|t feel exactly right about leaving you in the funeral parlor either. Maybe you can tell me yourself or let me know somehow.

I will be looking for the butterflies, dear one.

I love you,
Me

July 18, 2001
July 18, 2001

Hi sweetie,

I notice I don?t always sign off with you. I guess it?s because I?m not sure if I?m through for the day or not.

Eight weeks today. It?s funny how I measure time now in how many Wednesdays have passed. I thought I might start feeling more but I?m about the same. I went into a bereavement chat last night for people widowed under the age of 50, and several people there told me the numbness wore off around 4 months. One person said it was just wearing off and it had been about 2 years!

Heidi and Kristin didn?t want to go to camp, as usual, but I dropped them off anyway. Tough, I figured. Billy called once to tell me that the cable was out and then again to ask for a loan for a skateboard. A skateboard! And the psychic said you were talking about skateboards! I told him not to call me at work about that and figure out how much money he?d need to borrow. He was also talking about special shoes and I began to feel a little put upon. Do these kids think there is a fountain of money flowing from somewhere?

I started out today thinking that I knew exactly how I wanted to start off and what I wanted to say, and it?s funny how things get away from you sometimes and you end up with something completely different. I was going to talk about how I knew exactly when each of the kids was conceived. Maybe later?

July 17, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

So far I?ve been trying to keep the air conditioning turned off. It hasn?t been hot out but it?s muggy and sticky. :P The toilet downstairs is leaking again?or something. The area just outside the bathroom is wet again just like what happened last summer. The little rug Billy put down is damp. I shut the water off from that toilet but since it?s not an ongoing problem I?m not sure that it?ll solve the problem. I thought about calling the Ehrlers but don?t really want them coming to the house. It is such a mess upstairs?you know what trying to get the kids to keep their rooms clean is like. It?s a pig sty up there.

We got just that one call from Mrs. Ehrler?and that?s it. I don?t know what to think. Does this mean they don?t want to rent to us? Does it mean they don?t know what to do? I was thinking maybe I should start looking for another place?an apartment complex maybe where I wouldn?t have to worry about moving every time the lease is up. I just wish they?d call and say something one way or the other.

Heidi and Kristin are still whining about camp. Heidi was crying again this morning and complaining about having to go. I didn?t pay attention to her and didn?t really respond to her so it really sort of just died down. Kristin seemed more resigned. I don?t know what the big attraction is to staying home. There?s nothing to do there. Besides there?s less mess this way. It?s just Billy I have to worry about?making a mess, I mean.

I still feel okay. I guess it?s all right, but I wonder what?s wrong with me? Why aren?t I hysterical with grief? Why don?t I feel any pain? I mean, it?s like I know you are not there, you are not coming back, but I haven?t totally accepted the fact that I?m on my own now. I don?t know how to explain it. It?s just so odd not to feel anything.

Last night I started a drivers? safety course. It?s supposed to save 10% on the car insurance bill so it?s a good investment of $30.00. And tomorrow is the bereavement support group. Tomorrow it?ll be eight weeks. I wonder if I?ll feel anything then?

Maybe it has to do with the way I grew up. I didn?t realize just how dysfunctional my family life was until I saw it through your eyes?the day of my parents? 30th wedding anniversary. We went there to visit them and they were both drunk. I think you wanted to leave right away but as always I wanted to stay and ?make sure everything is all right?. I remember my mother was upset because my father was angry at some people at the Silent Oriole Club (he was the President then, although he later resigned) because they were preventing him from getting at the club money. I think they were implying he took some of it. I don?t know the whole story. Anyway, she?s crying because it?s their anniversary and he?s ignoring it, and he?s mad and yelling about these two women, Yvonne and Lydia.

As bad luck would have it, who should pull up but Yvonne. My father got up and started to go for her, and you got between them. I thought my father might get violent. He was signing and yelling at the same time, telling Vonnie he wanted to kill her and to get away. Vonnie got back into her car as Rich moved between the two of you. You didn?t put your hands on my dad but you prevented him from going after Vonnie. It was scary. After a few minutes, my dad went and sat down. He was cursing to himself, and you wanted to leave. Meanwhile, my mother was out there trying to persuade Vonnie that it was okay and to come in and have dinner. She got out of the car and I said to you, we should stay through dinner to make sure everything was all right. You didn?t like it but you did it grudgingly. I could tell by the look on your face that you were upset and disgusted.

After dinner you said, ?We have to get out of here; I can?t stand it? and so I told my parents we were leaving. My mother got very upset again. She was afraid of what my father would do. Still, I decided this time we?d go because I could see you couldn?t take any more. In the car going home, you were quiet for a while and then you asked, ?Don?t you see how crazy all that was??

For the first time, I did see it. We got to talking about the drinking, the violence, and everything else?how I would cover it up and act as if nothing had happened?and at the same time, keep the peace. I?d try to keep the violence from happening. I think you got some insights into why I behaved the way I did, too. It was a real eye-opener for both of us.

Sometimes I wonder why we get picked on so much, too?Judy from (Rich's employer)called about your insurance policy. It seems the Hartford is claiming they never received anything and now I have to get a new death certificate and send it overnight to this company. The company will pay for the costs but it just means I have to look at it again?it?s such a cold document. CAUSE OF DEATH: 1) Cardiac Arrest, 2) Cardiomyopathy 3) Marfan syndrome. I hate it.

July 16, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I don?t know what I?m going to do with Heidi. She is so negative thinking she is going to make herself sick and drive us all nuts. Even when we?re having a nice time she?s got something to be miserable about.

Yesterday we went first to the Children?s Museum and that was really nice. We were there for about an hour. The activities they were doing to commemorate the moonwalk was more for little kids, drawing and coloring pictures, but there was other things to do in and around the museum. The kids spent a lot of time with bubble machines, creating them, blowing them around, trying to become encased in a bubble, and I took lots of pictures. There was an exhibit on people with disabilities and equipment they use to make life easier. I showed the kids how to use a TTY and then there was a Braille typewriter they tried. There was an exhibit on communication (telephone, cable, and television) that they got a kick out of. I figured we could go back there again another time.

We went to the Volks? Fest next. It was crowded but still not as crowded as I remember from when we used to go. I spent a lot of money there?oh well. Billy got into a darts game and was winning lots of stuffed animals. The points of the dart weren?t very sharp and Billy became annoyed when his dart hit a balloon but bounced off. He felt it wasn?t fair that he didn?t get the stuffed animal for that. He was trying to win one for Heidi who bitched and moaned that she wasn?t winning anything and no one was helping her win anything. Kristin won $50 playing Las Vegas cards?you pay 25 cents for them and there are four strips and you have to have three in a row that match. Several of us won fifty cents but we were all surprised when Kristin came up with that fifty! Wow! Heidi, of course, was mad because she didn?t win anything but the fifty cents. :P

There were a couple of ?rides? in the back for the kids. One was the moon bounce and the other was a sort of moon bounce slide where you climb up to the top and then bounce your way down. Just little kids were in line so I thought that Billy and Heidi might be too old but the guy in charge said, no, no age limit. ?You could go on, Mom,? Billy said. I asked the man if there was a weight limit and he said no so I decided to go for it.

I think if you?d been there you would have been supportive although you might have thought it was silly. Still, I remember you said you liked it when I did things like this so I think you would have been laughing your ass off. So when I got to the top, I thought of you and called out, ?I?m the king of the world!? just like Leonardo DiCaprio did in Titanic. Now that I think you might have rolled your eyes at but I was thinking of you, and down I went. It was fun! Heidi was mortified that I yelled out like that and went on and on about being embarrassed but didn?t object when I went up again. This time of course, I called out: ?This one?s for you, Heidi!? Ha Ha.

Your grandmother was at the Volks? Fest. She sat in the same place the whole time I was there, just listening to the music and looking like she really enjoyed herself. Uncle Walter was there too and he laughed heartily when I told him I?d been down the slide. ?Why didn?t you tell me?? he asked. I answered, kidding, ?Well, I yelled for you but you didn?t hear me.?

Your brother Steven and his wife Ann looked surprised to see me and maybe, I don?t know, embarrassed? They never call. But then I don?t call them either, and I didn?t talk to them but for five minutes. They did give me pictures of Steven and Nicole?the confirmation and maybe Nicole?s kindergarten graduation. Pretty kids.

Your Uncle George, Aunt Terri, and cousins Dianne (with her husband Steve and children) and Bill showed up and it was awfully good to see them. Bill is as tanned and gorgeous as ever. I?m surprised no woman has snapped him up yet. Dianne and Steve?s kids are growing up and are a couple of sweethearts. Steve said he was glad I came??It?s what Richie would have wanted? and I thought that was true?so I didn?t feel bad about enjoying the company there.

Dad and Alberta wanted us to visit for a weekend and I told them I couldn?t afford to take off during the week but that I could come for a Friday-Saturday-Sunday trip. So I guess I?m doing that at the end of this month. I just need to find out how much the bus will cost.

We were all tired by the time we got in but we were still up until 11:30 or later. Heidi turned nasty and was telling Billy he better not sleep downstairs again. I had to tell her to knock it off. She keeps trying to boss Billy and Kristin around and when I said to stop she said, well, you don?t do anything. I said, ?Want the job of mother?? Of course she didn?t but I said she had to stop worrying about what Billy and Kristin are doing.

This morning Heidi began crying when I woke her up. It irritated me to no end but I didn?t say anything. Kristin whined and said she didn?t feel well. The two of them began fighting and decided I must be punishing them. They are going on three trips this week! And one of the trips is to see a Mets game. Billy would love to go to one of them, and they just complain?I just don?t get it.

I decided I wasn?t going to let it drive me crazy though. I hope I?m making progress.

I read posts from some of the other widows who talk about being lonely, crying uncontrollably and screaming from the pain of missing their husbands. I wonder sometimes why I am not doing that. Am I normal? I do miss you and I love you. I miss making love. I miss holding you and kissing you and touching you and talking to you. But I?m not crying hysterically. Is it still Widow Daze? Or is it that I know you are with me even if I can?t see you and that you are happy and not in pain?
I don?t like the idea of going on without you. I have no choice?

I love you,
Me

from widow support board:

I feel a little more hopeful now that sometime I will
remember dreaming about Rich. I have been yearning to see him in a dream.
Maybe I'm wishing too hard or still in shock. It's only been 2 months and
I'm seeing that people begin dreaming about their spouses months later.

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 9:56 AM EDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

July 15, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Today I went to a party store and reinflated your get well balloon. I?m not sure why I did it except that it comforts me a little and every now and then when the breeze is right, the balloon flies into my face and I took to kissing the smiling sun as if it was you. I was going to talk over this ADC with you but first I wanted to tell you we are having a nice weekend but my heart aches without you.

Yesterday was kind of laid back. We went to the pool for a little while and that was kind of fun, because Jimmy from next door came. He, Billy, Heidi, and Kristin took turns pushing each other into the pool. It was pretty funny. Last night we went to the mall to do a little shopping and we bought some soft pretzels. We came home and watched Lethal Weapon 2.

Today I?m taking the kids to the children?s museum to see the exhibit commemorating the first moonwalk and then we are going to the Volks? Fest. I think that will be hard. All of your family will be there. I said we?d be there between 2 and 3 and I will stay as long as I can manage. It?s hard to think of being there and seeing everyone?and you aren?t there. I miss you my darling.

More later, I love you,
Me

my posts on widow support board:

I was emailing a friend the other night that I no longer feel "in sync" with
everyone else and that includes my single friends too. That's because the
world is just different, looks different, feels different without Rich.
I am glad I have my kids. They help give me a reason to stay focused.
It will be eight weeks on Wednesday since Rich died and I still
feel...different, like I'm in a parallel time world or something.
This is a good place for support and I found a lot of help here. Keep coming
back

July 13, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Well, I had my mammogram today and everything looks normal. So that?s another test down and out of the way. I felt so sleepy and worn out today. We (Billy, Kristin and I) gave the house a good cleaning. Steve O, the financial advisor Nancy recommended, came over to talk to me this afternoon to touch base on what we were going to do budget wise and how the money would be invested. I?m going to try and lose weight and take a driver?s safety course?the idea is to get more insurance for me at a reduced rate and to get more liability insurance for the car. Steve is really helpful.

I took a nap this afternoon but I may not have dreamed well or something. I woke up feel down and tired. I?m not sure why. I?m missing you, I guess. I doused Boo Boo Bear with your after shave and felt better after doing that.

We had our first Family Game Night. I played ?Sorry? with the kids for almost two hours. And there was once a time TNT wouldn?t have gotten me off the computer. So many regrets?

July 12, 2001
July 12, 2001

Was that really you last night, sweetheart? I went into a mediums? chat last night and even though I was too late to sign up for a reading, I figured I would just hang out and watch and see what happens. One of the readings was very moving, from a little boy to his mother. And then one of the mediums stopped the session because (s)he was trying to let go of a spirit who was trying to come through but couldn?t shake him, a really nice guy who kept showing Carmen Miranda and some other guy LL with curly hair, dancing around and joking.

My heart fell a little bit because I knew it couldn?t be you then. It didn?t fall in with anyone else either so the medium kept trying. A tall, lanky guy who wasn?t really showing his appearance, about 40-50, blue eyes, good sense of humor, nice looking but didn?t think he was nice looking?I mentioned that sounded like you but not the Carmen Miranda and LL stuff. The medium said it might mean that the spirit does impersonations and I thought, well, you did that?other peoples? voices like from Monty Python or Bogart?and I said so. The name Ruthie came up and someone asked if the name might be Richie, and I thought well, that is what you called yourself in your email: rrrichie1. This went on for about twenty minutes with people trying to figure out who it is and then the medium asked me, are you wearing a chain that belonged to him that he gave you to wear? And I was?the silver chain you wore. I?ve worn it since the day you got out of the hospital! The medium said he felt the spirit was there for me, and then I thought, it could be you, my darling.

There were a couple of things that didn?t make sense?a white handkerchief (except that you did lend me yours that day I was hacking so much and I don?t know where it ended up?maybe it?s still in the car?) and a yellow bird (Billy thought that might be Quacker Jack from the Ducks? games). There were other things that made sense, you mentioned someone with the name ?B? (Billy of course) and the color purple and a car (our car is purple); we?re considering buying a new car. You mentioned holding hands (we did that a lot) and turning a wedding ring on a finger?I mentioned earlier in this journal that I was taking your ring and putting it over mine to twist it, thinking of you, talking to you) and you said that you were listening?you heard me. And you mentioned our first meeting?I thought maybe you meant our first date when you waited in the parking lot for me, but then the medium said again that it wasn?t exactly that and then I remembered the psychic. The medium also said that I acted a little stand-offish at first (I did) and that you knew I was ?the one? long before you told me, and I even remembered that from a conversation we had!
You said that I was the light of your life and that you are proud of me and by then I was in tears. Rich, I miss you so much! Yet, it seems you are happy where you are and you are free from pain and for that I am so grateful.

We?re still trying to figure out the dancing and the Carmen Miranda angle though?although a couple of ideas occurred to me. The kids all said Quacker Jack did a really funny dance and then there was the time you were doing a hula in front of the television and your pants fell down. And then I remembered from ?Ghost? the Patrick Swayze character pestered the medium Whoopi Goldberg until she came to deliver his message to his girlfriend. So is that what you were doing? You are and always will be my best friend and it?s so comforting to know that you are listening to me when I talk to you or think of you. I wish I could remember you from my dreams? I love you still, very much.

The girls started with the bereavement group last night and I went in and did the parent rap. There was a mix of people there. One woman is like me?her husband died suddenly of a brain aneurysm 4 months ago and she found him and couldn?t believe it?she has two daughters in groups; one of them is with Heidi. Another woman was divorced from her husband when he died. Her two children were in the group. I think one was in Heidi?s group too. Then there was another woman who?d lost her mother in the past and, most recently, her father-in-law. Her child is with Kristin. Another woman was the grandmother?her eldest granddaughter was killed by a drunk driver. Her granddaughter was there?I think in Kristin?s group. The older sister of a mom who died of breast cancer brought her 12 year old sister. There was a man there with a little girl about 10 (I think) who was mourning her grandfather.

So we all talked a little bit and I found myself feeling almost angry. The one widow whose husband had an aneurysm talked about feeling cheated and I realized I feel that way too. I know I?ve mentioned that before?that we were just at the part of our marriage when we could really enjoy being together, stolen moments of making love while the kids are out playing, going out to dinner together or to the movies or whatever?never again. But you know what? I am glad for the times that we did because I can remember them and cherish the memories of them.

So the seventh week anniversary turned out to be not so awful after all. I was able to get through it and I thank you for your part in helping me. I love you with all my heart. I put your ring back in the lockbox because I was really afraid I?d lose it but I?m still wearing the chain and I?m wearing your I.D. bracelet too and I rub it sometimes when I?m thinking about you. I was just thinking to you now?got the message? If I could I would kiss you all over,
All my love,
Me

July 11, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Seven weeks today. I can?t believe it?s almost two months. It seems more like a dream to me now than it ever did before. I stay away from thoughts like never seeing you again or holding you again. Heidi and I talked about it a little this morning. She hates Wednesdays, she says. She wants to know why bad people don?t have things like this happening to them. She said, ?Maybe the Devil is looking out for them.? I said maybe, and that?s worse than what we?re going through in that case. Besides, you never know what?s really going on inside a person?s house.

The girls went on a field trip with the camp to some nature preserve in Queens. Kristin seemed to have a good time but Heidi complained of being thirsty and tired. Then last night both of them said they didn?t feel well. Heidi said her stomach hurt this morning so I let them stay home but warned them they had to go back to camp tomorrow. It?s ?Pajama Day? anyway?

Sue K called last night to talk about Heidi going down to Maryland in August for a week, so I decided that Heidi could do the bereavement group and still see Emma. One of the sessions was going to be cancelled, and hopefully it would be the one for the 8th or the 15th. If not, I?ll find out which date it will be and try to work around that so Heidi can do both things. I think it would help her.

I feel so out of step with people sometimes. Things are going on around me and either I am not paying attention or I just don?t care. I don?t quite feel ?normal? anymore. I haven?t been able to write except in this journal and I don?t have much interest in the things I did before. I just mainly stay with the Widow list and board. I did see a post from someone who goes to chat rooms who have mediums in them and I was considering that again. Some of the mediums read by spirit request only. If I go into one of these rooms I hope you?ll sense it and want to communicate with me. I miss you an awful lot.

Sometimes on the widows? list someone will talk about dating again. Yesterday a woman said a friend held her hand and then kissed her and she had really mixed feelings about it. I don?t know how to respond to these people. I?m not exactly jealous. I just find the idea kind of repulsive, but that?s just for me. It?s hard for me to post a rah-rah for them when I don?t feel any interest in it but I suppose I should try to be polite.


And just at the point of us really beginning to commune and be almost as one?you die. It just isn?t fair?

I guess I?ll stop at this point and pick up again later.
See you later, sweetheart,
Always with love,
Me

P.S. You know, I can?t even leave these kids home ONE day. I get a call around 1?a hang-up call but I quickly figure out it?s one of the kids. Sure enough, it?s Billy. Apparently Heidi and Kristin were fighting over some damn thing or other and were fighting in the kitchen. This SUCKS Rich, it SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS that I cannot leave them for even ONE day. And today of all days they have to fight!

Heidi is screaming because I told her she needed to put cold water on her face, calm down and lie down. She thinks I?m punishing her! I?m trying to get her to CALM DOWN. Why do these kids have to act like this and why did you leave me with them????