July 18, 2001
July 18, 2001

Hi sweetie,

I notice I don?t always sign off with you. I guess it?s because I?m not sure if I?m through for the day or not.

Eight weeks today. It?s funny how I measure time now in how many Wednesdays have passed. I thought I might start feeling more but I?m about the same. I went into a bereavement chat last night for people widowed under the age of 50, and several people there told me the numbness wore off around 4 months. One person said it was just wearing off and it had been about 2 years!

Heidi and Kristin didn?t want to go to camp, as usual, but I dropped them off anyway. Tough, I figured. Billy called once to tell me that the cable was out and then again to ask for a loan for a skateboard. A skateboard! And the psychic said you were talking about skateboards! I told him not to call me at work about that and figure out how much money he?d need to borrow. He was also talking about special shoes and I began to feel a little put upon. Do these kids think there is a fountain of money flowing from somewhere?

I started out today thinking that I knew exactly how I wanted to start off and what I wanted to say, and it?s funny how things get away from you sometimes and you end up with something completely different. I was going to talk about how I knew exactly when each of the kids was conceived. Maybe later?

July 17, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

So far I?ve been trying to keep the air conditioning turned off. It hasn?t been hot out but it?s muggy and sticky. :P The toilet downstairs is leaking again?or something. The area just outside the bathroom is wet again just like what happened last summer. The little rug Billy put down is damp. I shut the water off from that toilet but since it?s not an ongoing problem I?m not sure that it?ll solve the problem. I thought about calling the Ehrlers but don?t really want them coming to the house. It is such a mess upstairs?you know what trying to get the kids to keep their rooms clean is like. It?s a pig sty up there.

We got just that one call from Mrs. Ehrler?and that?s it. I don?t know what to think. Does this mean they don?t want to rent to us? Does it mean they don?t know what to do? I was thinking maybe I should start looking for another place?an apartment complex maybe where I wouldn?t have to worry about moving every time the lease is up. I just wish they?d call and say something one way or the other.

Heidi and Kristin are still whining about camp. Heidi was crying again this morning and complaining about having to go. I didn?t pay attention to her and didn?t really respond to her so it really sort of just died down. Kristin seemed more resigned. I don?t know what the big attraction is to staying home. There?s nothing to do there. Besides there?s less mess this way. It?s just Billy I have to worry about?making a mess, I mean.

I still feel okay. I guess it?s all right, but I wonder what?s wrong with me? Why aren?t I hysterical with grief? Why don?t I feel any pain? I mean, it?s like I know you are not there, you are not coming back, but I haven?t totally accepted the fact that I?m on my own now. I don?t know how to explain it. It?s just so odd not to feel anything.

Last night I started a drivers? safety course. It?s supposed to save 10% on the car insurance bill so it?s a good investment of $30.00. And tomorrow is the bereavement support group. Tomorrow it?ll be eight weeks. I wonder if I?ll feel anything then?

Maybe it has to do with the way I grew up. I didn?t realize just how dysfunctional my family life was until I saw it through your eyes?the day of my parents? 30th wedding anniversary. We went there to visit them and they were both drunk. I think you wanted to leave right away but as always I wanted to stay and ?make sure everything is all right?. I remember my mother was upset because my father was angry at some people at the Silent Oriole Club (he was the President then, although he later resigned) because they were preventing him from getting at the club money. I think they were implying he took some of it. I don?t know the whole story. Anyway, she?s crying because it?s their anniversary and he?s ignoring it, and he?s mad and yelling about these two women, Yvonne and Lydia.

As bad luck would have it, who should pull up but Yvonne. My father got up and started to go for her, and you got between them. I thought my father might get violent. He was signing and yelling at the same time, telling Vonnie he wanted to kill her and to get away. Vonnie got back into her car as Rich moved between the two of you. You didn?t put your hands on my dad but you prevented him from going after Vonnie. It was scary. After a few minutes, my dad went and sat down. He was cursing to himself, and you wanted to leave. Meanwhile, my mother was out there trying to persuade Vonnie that it was okay and to come in and have dinner. She got out of the car and I said to you, we should stay through dinner to make sure everything was all right. You didn?t like it but you did it grudgingly. I could tell by the look on your face that you were upset and disgusted.

After dinner you said, ?We have to get out of here; I can?t stand it? and so I told my parents we were leaving. My mother got very upset again. She was afraid of what my father would do. Still, I decided this time we?d go because I could see you couldn?t take any more. In the car going home, you were quiet for a while and then you asked, ?Don?t you see how crazy all that was??

For the first time, I did see it. We got to talking about the drinking, the violence, and everything else?how I would cover it up and act as if nothing had happened?and at the same time, keep the peace. I?d try to keep the violence from happening. I think you got some insights into why I behaved the way I did, too. It was a real eye-opener for both of us.

Sometimes I wonder why we get picked on so much, too?Judy from (Rich's employer)called about your insurance policy. It seems the Hartford is claiming they never received anything and now I have to get a new death certificate and send it overnight to this company. The company will pay for the costs but it just means I have to look at it again?it?s such a cold document. CAUSE OF DEATH: 1) Cardiac Arrest, 2) Cardiomyopathy 3) Marfan syndrome. I hate it.

July 16, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I don?t know what I?m going to do with Heidi. She is so negative thinking she is going to make herself sick and drive us all nuts. Even when we?re having a nice time she?s got something to be miserable about.

Yesterday we went first to the Children?s Museum and that was really nice. We were there for about an hour. The activities they were doing to commemorate the moonwalk was more for little kids, drawing and coloring pictures, but there was other things to do in and around the museum. The kids spent a lot of time with bubble machines, creating them, blowing them around, trying to become encased in a bubble, and I took lots of pictures. There was an exhibit on people with disabilities and equipment they use to make life easier. I showed the kids how to use a TTY and then there was a Braille typewriter they tried. There was an exhibit on communication (telephone, cable, and television) that they got a kick out of. I figured we could go back there again another time.

We went to the Volks? Fest next. It was crowded but still not as crowded as I remember from when we used to go. I spent a lot of money there?oh well. Billy got into a darts game and was winning lots of stuffed animals. The points of the dart weren?t very sharp and Billy became annoyed when his dart hit a balloon but bounced off. He felt it wasn?t fair that he didn?t get the stuffed animal for that. He was trying to win one for Heidi who bitched and moaned that she wasn?t winning anything and no one was helping her win anything. Kristin won $50 playing Las Vegas cards?you pay 25 cents for them and there are four strips and you have to have three in a row that match. Several of us won fifty cents but we were all surprised when Kristin came up with that fifty! Wow! Heidi, of course, was mad because she didn?t win anything but the fifty cents. :P

There were a couple of ?rides? in the back for the kids. One was the moon bounce and the other was a sort of moon bounce slide where you climb up to the top and then bounce your way down. Just little kids were in line so I thought that Billy and Heidi might be too old but the guy in charge said, no, no age limit. ?You could go on, Mom,? Billy said. I asked the man if there was a weight limit and he said no so I decided to go for it.

I think if you?d been there you would have been supportive although you might have thought it was silly. Still, I remember you said you liked it when I did things like this so I think you would have been laughing your ass off. So when I got to the top, I thought of you and called out, ?I?m the king of the world!? just like Leonardo DiCaprio did in Titanic. Now that I think you might have rolled your eyes at but I was thinking of you, and down I went. It was fun! Heidi was mortified that I yelled out like that and went on and on about being embarrassed but didn?t object when I went up again. This time of course, I called out: ?This one?s for you, Heidi!? Ha Ha.

Your grandmother was at the Volks? Fest. She sat in the same place the whole time I was there, just listening to the music and looking like she really enjoyed herself. Uncle Walter was there too and he laughed heartily when I told him I?d been down the slide. ?Why didn?t you tell me?? he asked. I answered, kidding, ?Well, I yelled for you but you didn?t hear me.?

Your brother Steven and his wife Ann looked surprised to see me and maybe, I don?t know, embarrassed? They never call. But then I don?t call them either, and I didn?t talk to them but for five minutes. They did give me pictures of Steven and Nicole?the confirmation and maybe Nicole?s kindergarten graduation. Pretty kids.

Your Uncle George, Aunt Terri, and cousins Dianne (with her husband Steve and children) and Bill showed up and it was awfully good to see them. Bill is as tanned and gorgeous as ever. I?m surprised no woman has snapped him up yet. Dianne and Steve?s kids are growing up and are a couple of sweethearts. Steve said he was glad I came??It?s what Richie would have wanted? and I thought that was true?so I didn?t feel bad about enjoying the company there.

Dad and Alberta wanted us to visit for a weekend and I told them I couldn?t afford to take off during the week but that I could come for a Friday-Saturday-Sunday trip. So I guess I?m doing that at the end of this month. I just need to find out how much the bus will cost.

We were all tired by the time we got in but we were still up until 11:30 or later. Heidi turned nasty and was telling Billy he better not sleep downstairs again. I had to tell her to knock it off. She keeps trying to boss Billy and Kristin around and when I said to stop she said, well, you don?t do anything. I said, ?Want the job of mother?? Of course she didn?t but I said she had to stop worrying about what Billy and Kristin are doing.

This morning Heidi began crying when I woke her up. It irritated me to no end but I didn?t say anything. Kristin whined and said she didn?t feel well. The two of them began fighting and decided I must be punishing them. They are going on three trips this week! And one of the trips is to see a Mets game. Billy would love to go to one of them, and they just complain?I just don?t get it.

I decided I wasn?t going to let it drive me crazy though. I hope I?m making progress.

I read posts from some of the other widows who talk about being lonely, crying uncontrollably and screaming from the pain of missing their husbands. I wonder sometimes why I am not doing that. Am I normal? I do miss you and I love you. I miss making love. I miss holding you and kissing you and touching you and talking to you. But I?m not crying hysterically. Is it still Widow Daze? Or is it that I know you are with me even if I can?t see you and that you are happy and not in pain?
I don?t like the idea of going on without you. I have no choice?

I love you,
Me

from widow support board:

I feel a little more hopeful now that sometime I will
remember dreaming about Rich. I have been yearning to see him in a dream.
Maybe I'm wishing too hard or still in shock. It's only been 2 months and
I'm seeing that people begin dreaming about their spouses months later.

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 9:56 AM EDT
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July 15, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Today I went to a party store and reinflated your get well balloon. I?m not sure why I did it except that it comforts me a little and every now and then when the breeze is right, the balloon flies into my face and I took to kissing the smiling sun as if it was you. I was going to talk over this ADC with you but first I wanted to tell you we are having a nice weekend but my heart aches without you.

Yesterday was kind of laid back. We went to the pool for a little while and that was kind of fun, because Jimmy from next door came. He, Billy, Heidi, and Kristin took turns pushing each other into the pool. It was pretty funny. Last night we went to the mall to do a little shopping and we bought some soft pretzels. We came home and watched Lethal Weapon 2.

Today I?m taking the kids to the children?s museum to see the exhibit commemorating the first moonwalk and then we are going to the Volks? Fest. I think that will be hard. All of your family will be there. I said we?d be there between 2 and 3 and I will stay as long as I can manage. It?s hard to think of being there and seeing everyone?and you aren?t there. I miss you my darling.

More later, I love you,
Me

my posts on widow support board:

I was emailing a friend the other night that I no longer feel "in sync" with
everyone else and that includes my single friends too. That's because the
world is just different, looks different, feels different without Rich.
I am glad I have my kids. They help give me a reason to stay focused.
It will be eight weeks on Wednesday since Rich died and I still
feel...different, like I'm in a parallel time world or something.
This is a good place for support and I found a lot of help here. Keep coming
back

July 13, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Well, I had my mammogram today and everything looks normal. So that?s another test down and out of the way. I felt so sleepy and worn out today. We (Billy, Kristin and I) gave the house a good cleaning. Steve O, the financial advisor Nancy recommended, came over to talk to me this afternoon to touch base on what we were going to do budget wise and how the money would be invested. I?m going to try and lose weight and take a driver?s safety course?the idea is to get more insurance for me at a reduced rate and to get more liability insurance for the car. Steve is really helpful.

I took a nap this afternoon but I may not have dreamed well or something. I woke up feel down and tired. I?m not sure why. I?m missing you, I guess. I doused Boo Boo Bear with your after shave and felt better after doing that.

We had our first Family Game Night. I played ?Sorry? with the kids for almost two hours. And there was once a time TNT wouldn?t have gotten me off the computer. So many regrets?

July 12, 2001
July 12, 2001

Was that really you last night, sweetheart? I went into a mediums? chat last night and even though I was too late to sign up for a reading, I figured I would just hang out and watch and see what happens. One of the readings was very moving, from a little boy to his mother. And then one of the mediums stopped the session because (s)he was trying to let go of a spirit who was trying to come through but couldn?t shake him, a really nice guy who kept showing Carmen Miranda and some other guy LL with curly hair, dancing around and joking.

My heart fell a little bit because I knew it couldn?t be you then. It didn?t fall in with anyone else either so the medium kept trying. A tall, lanky guy who wasn?t really showing his appearance, about 40-50, blue eyes, good sense of humor, nice looking but didn?t think he was nice looking?I mentioned that sounded like you but not the Carmen Miranda and LL stuff. The medium said it might mean that the spirit does impersonations and I thought, well, you did that?other peoples? voices like from Monty Python or Bogart?and I said so. The name Ruthie came up and someone asked if the name might be Richie, and I thought well, that is what you called yourself in your email: rrrichie1. This went on for about twenty minutes with people trying to figure out who it is and then the medium asked me, are you wearing a chain that belonged to him that he gave you to wear? And I was?the silver chain you wore. I?ve worn it since the day you got out of the hospital! The medium said he felt the spirit was there for me, and then I thought, it could be you, my darling.

There were a couple of things that didn?t make sense?a white handkerchief (except that you did lend me yours that day I was hacking so much and I don?t know where it ended up?maybe it?s still in the car?) and a yellow bird (Billy thought that might be Quacker Jack from the Ducks? games). There were other things that made sense, you mentioned someone with the name ?B? (Billy of course) and the color purple and a car (our car is purple); we?re considering buying a new car. You mentioned holding hands (we did that a lot) and turning a wedding ring on a finger?I mentioned earlier in this journal that I was taking your ring and putting it over mine to twist it, thinking of you, talking to you) and you said that you were listening?you heard me. And you mentioned our first meeting?I thought maybe you meant our first date when you waited in the parking lot for me, but then the medium said again that it wasn?t exactly that and then I remembered the psychic. The medium also said that I acted a little stand-offish at first (I did) and that you knew I was ?the one? long before you told me, and I even remembered that from a conversation we had!
You said that I was the light of your life and that you are proud of me and by then I was in tears. Rich, I miss you so much! Yet, it seems you are happy where you are and you are free from pain and for that I am so grateful.

We?re still trying to figure out the dancing and the Carmen Miranda angle though?although a couple of ideas occurred to me. The kids all said Quacker Jack did a really funny dance and then there was the time you were doing a hula in front of the television and your pants fell down. And then I remembered from ?Ghost? the Patrick Swayze character pestered the medium Whoopi Goldberg until she came to deliver his message to his girlfriend. So is that what you were doing? You are and always will be my best friend and it?s so comforting to know that you are listening to me when I talk to you or think of you. I wish I could remember you from my dreams? I love you still, very much.

The girls started with the bereavement group last night and I went in and did the parent rap. There was a mix of people there. One woman is like me?her husband died suddenly of a brain aneurysm 4 months ago and she found him and couldn?t believe it?she has two daughters in groups; one of them is with Heidi. Another woman was divorced from her husband when he died. Her two children were in the group. I think one was in Heidi?s group too. Then there was another woman who?d lost her mother in the past and, most recently, her father-in-law. Her child is with Kristin. Another woman was the grandmother?her eldest granddaughter was killed by a drunk driver. Her granddaughter was there?I think in Kristin?s group. The older sister of a mom who died of breast cancer brought her 12 year old sister. There was a man there with a little girl about 10 (I think) who was mourning her grandfather.

So we all talked a little bit and I found myself feeling almost angry. The one widow whose husband had an aneurysm talked about feeling cheated and I realized I feel that way too. I know I?ve mentioned that before?that we were just at the part of our marriage when we could really enjoy being together, stolen moments of making love while the kids are out playing, going out to dinner together or to the movies or whatever?never again. But you know what? I am glad for the times that we did because I can remember them and cherish the memories of them.

So the seventh week anniversary turned out to be not so awful after all. I was able to get through it and I thank you for your part in helping me. I love you with all my heart. I put your ring back in the lockbox because I was really afraid I?d lose it but I?m still wearing the chain and I?m wearing your I.D. bracelet too and I rub it sometimes when I?m thinking about you. I was just thinking to you now?got the message? If I could I would kiss you all over,
All my love,
Me

July 11, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Seven weeks today. I can?t believe it?s almost two months. It seems more like a dream to me now than it ever did before. I stay away from thoughts like never seeing you again or holding you again. Heidi and I talked about it a little this morning. She hates Wednesdays, she says. She wants to know why bad people don?t have things like this happening to them. She said, ?Maybe the Devil is looking out for them.? I said maybe, and that?s worse than what we?re going through in that case. Besides, you never know what?s really going on inside a person?s house.

The girls went on a field trip with the camp to some nature preserve in Queens. Kristin seemed to have a good time but Heidi complained of being thirsty and tired. Then last night both of them said they didn?t feel well. Heidi said her stomach hurt this morning so I let them stay home but warned them they had to go back to camp tomorrow. It?s ?Pajama Day? anyway?

Sue K called last night to talk about Heidi going down to Maryland in August for a week, so I decided that Heidi could do the bereavement group and still see Emma. One of the sessions was going to be cancelled, and hopefully it would be the one for the 8th or the 15th. If not, I?ll find out which date it will be and try to work around that so Heidi can do both things. I think it would help her.

I feel so out of step with people sometimes. Things are going on around me and either I am not paying attention or I just don?t care. I don?t quite feel ?normal? anymore. I haven?t been able to write except in this journal and I don?t have much interest in the things I did before. I just mainly stay with the Widow list and board. I did see a post from someone who goes to chat rooms who have mediums in them and I was considering that again. Some of the mediums read by spirit request only. If I go into one of these rooms I hope you?ll sense it and want to communicate with me. I miss you an awful lot.

Sometimes on the widows? list someone will talk about dating again. Yesterday a woman said a friend held her hand and then kissed her and she had really mixed feelings about it. I don?t know how to respond to these people. I?m not exactly jealous. I just find the idea kind of repulsive, but that?s just for me. It?s hard for me to post a rah-rah for them when I don?t feel any interest in it but I suppose I should try to be polite.


And just at the point of us really beginning to commune and be almost as one?you die. It just isn?t fair?

I guess I?ll stop at this point and pick up again later.
See you later, sweetheart,
Always with love,
Me

P.S. You know, I can?t even leave these kids home ONE day. I get a call around 1?a hang-up call but I quickly figure out it?s one of the kids. Sure enough, it?s Billy. Apparently Heidi and Kristin were fighting over some damn thing or other and were fighting in the kitchen. This SUCKS Rich, it SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS that I cannot leave them for even ONE day. And today of all days they have to fight!

Heidi is screaming because I told her she needed to put cold water on her face, calm down and lie down. She thinks I?m punishing her! I?m trying to get her to CALM DOWN. Why do these kids have to act like this and why did you leave me with them????

July 10, 2001
Good morning sweetheart,

It?s funny how songs can affect my mood. I was driving the girls to summer camp and was talking about how much fun they would have today. They are going to a wildlife preserve or some kind of park in Queens today. Anyway all of a sudden My Heart Will Go On from the movie Titanic came on and as I listened to the words I began to cry. The music is so hauntingly wistful too?it?s Celtic sounding music.

Every night in my dreams, I see you; I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Far across long distance and spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more, you open the door and you?re here in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.

Well, of course I thought of you and that?s why I was crying. Every time I think that you won?t ever hold me again in this lifetime, that I won?t ever get to see or touch you again I back off that thought like it was something fiery hot. It?s like some kind of instinctive reaction I have to HOT HOT HOT DON?T TOUCH! Maybe that?s why I?m still feeling so ? numb, I guess. I don?t know what else to call it.

Some of the other list members have been talking about their ADC experiences. One woman has regular conversations with her husband and I wondered why can?t I? I tried calling to you last night, did you hear me? I missed you and wanted to hear from you and if you did come to me in a dream, I just don?t remember. It?s so frustrating not to be able to remember all my dreams.

Maybe you were looking out for me today. There was some guardian angel on my shoulder. I admit I was driving carelessly and I could have been in some mother of an accident but I was very lucky. I also saw a post from someone on the list advising me to ?go to a happy place? in my mind to try and communicate with me. That?s exactly what you?d say to Heidi to try and get her to relax: ?Go to your happy place.? I mentioned it to Roseanne too!

I don?t know how much we got accomplished yesterday but we did talk out some of the feelings of anger yesterday. Billy admitted he teases his sisters too much. Heidi admitted she gets mad and screams and hits too easily. Kristin didn?t really understand the question?how do you contribute to what?s going on??and became frustrated and started to cry. It seems like we?ve made progress though. Heidi is still in her own room and I?m planning to move Kristin back too although I did consider sharing the room with her. I don?t know?

Roseanne seems to think it would be better for the girls to both be back in their rooms or else it will be ?harder? later. My feeling, though, is that as long as Kristin needs to what is the big deal? It?s better than a nightly struggle and tears and all that stuff. That?s always a controversial topic I think. Some of the widows support the idea of keeping the kids with you as long as they need to; others say it?s not a good idea. I?m just going with my instincts here.

I also talked to Mary, the bereavement counselor about whether or not Heidi should be in the group or go to Maryland. We decided she could do both ? she can miss a week or two and go down to be with Emma. I just need to find out when the counseling session is going to be cancelled. There?s going to be a week when there won?t be any sessions and I was thinking if that fit with Sue and Emma?s schedules it would be ideal because Heidi could leave the day after a session and then come back the day before the next one. That would give her almost two weeks. So I?m hoping that I can get it all to work out because I really would like for Heidi to be able to do both.

Will try to get back to you later, sweetie,
Love you always,
Me

July 9, 2001
Dear Rich,

This parenting alone is too damn hard. Neither one of the girls wanted to go to camp this morning. Kristin clung to me so hard and begged me not to leave her there. What am I supposed to do? I had to go to work! Heidi got impatient with Kristin and told her to stop making a fool out of herself. I found myself becoming impatient, resentful & downright angry myself.

It?s not fair! How come it?s our kids who don?t enjoy camp and have trouble adjusting? I talked to one of the counselors and told her the other girls were being mean to Kristin. They tell her she doesn?t belong because she?s the wrong age. Heidi stuck up for her last week. Why does this stuff only happen to our kids?

So now my memory of the morning is of Kristin clinging and crying, Heidi snapping impatiently, and me trying to get away because I was already late. It sucks, sucks, sucks! Something happened yesterday where Kristin was excluded from the neighborhood kids and I?m just so sick of all this childish bullshit. Kids are so cruel to each other.

We went to see Cats & Dogs yesterday and it was okay, not a great movie but mildly entertaining. The kids liked it. I cleared out most of the bottles and cans from the basement. Billy helped me take them all up to Pathmark and recycle them. I think we got about $10 in slips out of it. Billy also helped me with the laundry. I did about three or four loads of wash and then he helped me get the stuff into the dryer.

But the kids are still acting out. Billy and Heidi punch and scratch each other. Heidi and Kristin punch and scratch each other. Heidi went back to sleeping in her own bed and it?s just as well because I couldn?t stand the fighting they were doing there either. And I guess Heidi feels rejected again but what the hell am I supposed to do? Heidi loses her temper and then starts clawing?and then she is surprised when I tell her it?s never right under any condition to put her hands on her sister or brother. I tell them the same thing. Even in self defense they are not supposed to punch or claw each other. Then Heidi decides I?m being mean to her and blows a gasket. I can?t win.

It?s too frustrating. I am very tense today, very much on edge. I miss you but at the same time I try not to think about it. I know you didn?t abandon me but that?s what it feels like to me. And it?s almost like I?ve shut you out of my mind because I can?t rely on you?you?re gone. Today we see Roseanne and then on Wednesday is the first bereavement group meeting for the kids.

Sue emailed me, offering to pay for Heidi to come down to Maryland. I was thinking of talking to that social worker at the Hospice Center, Mary, and asking what she thinks. If Heidi goes to Maryland, she?ll miss some of the sessions and I think it?s really important that she be there for all of them. On the other hand, sending Heidi to Maryland would get her out of my hair for awhile. I hate for her to feel like I?m rejecting her. It?s just so damn hard because she is so angry and negative almost all the time.

I sent that letter to the E's already and I know they cashed the rent check but they haven?t called so I am mad at them. I don?t know if they?re hesitating because they?re waiting for me to call them, or if it?s because they don?t want to rent to me anymore and don?t want to tell me or they?re trying to figure out how to jack up the rent or just what. The list members on the widow net group are advising me to go ahead and call them. I don?t want to be pushy?I think you would be impatient with me at this point and say just call and get it over with.

I feel temporarily paralyzed?

July 8, 2001
Good morning baby doll,

It looks like rain this morning. Billy says he isn?t feeling well and I think I will skip church. Well, I was sort of looking for a reason anyway. I feel very sleepy myself and Heidi and I had another blow out last night. She slept in her own room for the first time since you died. I don?t know what the problem was but apparently when Kristin tried to get into bed Heidi was already asleep and Kristin began hitting her to get her to move. So I scolded Kristin for that but the two of them went on fighting and finally I said, ?Look, why don?t you two just go back to your own beds??

Heidi stormed off crying and wailing. This was after midnight so I was already tired and annoyed. Kristin wanted to stay with me so Heidi said snottily to ?let the Princess stay?. It occurred to me it wouldn?t be a bad idea. Heidi has wanted privacy for a long time, her own room and so on and so when I mentioned it she just looked furious (it was probably not the right time) but like I said I was tired and grumpy myself.

We?d had such a good day. We spent a great deal of the day at the beach. Billy and Heidi both got sunburned from not using enough sunscreen. When we got back, Heidi went to visit her friend Sharon. I slept and when I woke up I talked to Elfie for about an hour and then went grocery shopping with Kristin. We got back at six and then I went to get Heidi. So it was all in all a lovely day and it just felt like Heidi was ruining it all because she gets so damn mad about nothing!

So I guess I?ll have to see how it goes today. We were supposed to see a movie, Cats and Dogs and I?m not sure about that with the way Billy is feeling. Heidi will get mad if we don?t. The house needs to be picked up; I need to do laundry, and the upstairs needs cleaning. So much to do?

I still have widow daze. I still can?t believe you are not here. I can?t believe I?m doing all this stuff alone. I keep wondering where you are. I miss your arms around me. I miss the physical closeness we had?the making love, the holding each other, holding hands. I miss the sound of your voice. I say these things and still don?t feel much pain because I won?t go further than that to the realization that this is for good. I can?t face that yet.

I?ll let you know if we go to the movies or not?well, you?ll probably already know. Help me with Heidi if you can. I don?t know what to do with her!

Until later, I love you darling,
Me