July 4, 2001
Happy Fourth of July, sweetheart,

This Wednesday hasn?t been as terrible and sad as the other Wednesdays. It?s been six weeks now since you?ve died, and I can hardly believe how quickly time passed. Heidi cried again for you today, after we got home from Cheryl?s house. I haven?t cried since that one awful Monday. I?ve felt really strange about that but I?ve been hearing that it?s normal.

Well, this is what we did today. I thought at first the plans for the Fourth would be off because the weather reports all called for rain, rain and more rain. I thought, Plan B could be going to the movies. It didn?t start to rain, though, and Robin emailed and said the rain wasn?t supposed to start until fireworks time so maybe we could go on with the barbecue. Cheryl agreed and I got into the idea again, got off my fat ass and made potato salad the way you always did.

Nancy decided she?s had so much bad luck with traffic and rain that she and Kay would bail. I took the kids over to Cheryl?s around two and we were there until the rain started at about 8:30. And we had a good time! Billy did all the grilling. He made a couple of boo-boos and errors in judgement but overall he did a great job.

We really had a nice time. I wish you?d been there, maybe you were? We made plans for more barbecues this summer and one of them will be in honor of your birthday, August 4th.

It?s at times like these, later in the evening, that I find myself looking for you and really missing you. My darling, I hope that you don?t have the regrets I do or the pain. I just would love to be able to hold your hand once more and to tell you how much I love you. I wish you would come and visit me in my dreams tonight and I wish I could remember them.

Good night my love,
Love you forever,
Me

My posts to widow support board:

I remember one really nice Fourth of July before Rich and I married. We went
down to the marina in the late afternoon and went swimming. We'd brought a
picnic dinner with us and earlier in the evening, there was a local group
that performed and we enjoyed listening to the music. We both had chaise
lounges and we set them up side by side. When the fireworks started we held
hands and watched. They were Grucci fireworks, absolutely gorgeous to
behold.
Another good memory...when we first bought our house in Columbia, Md, we
learned we were only a 1/2 mile walk to the town center if we used one of
the walking paths. So we went with our neighbors and joined hundreds of
other people at Lake Kittimaqundi. Columia had an annual festival going on
so there were lots of entertainers and clowns. That first year a
photographer snapped a picture of my two older kids talking to a clown, they
were just 4 and 2 then. Those were lovely fireworks too. The last time we
walked was when Kristin was just a baby, maybe about 6 months old and we
walked her in a carriage. Billy and Heidi had to walk and we were tired but
happy. After that, Rich couldn't make the walk anymore so we'd go up on the
school field behind out house and watch. Lots of our neighbors would go out
there, too, and it was festive.
Last year we watched the fireworks on television.
This year, I took the kids to a friend's house. They were calling for rain
and it actually did start raining but not until 8:30. We had a wonderful
time. The kids enjoyed themselves and I had a few moments of sadness but was
glad to have friends with me. Heidi started crying when we came home.
We miss Rich. There are so many good memories.

July 3, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Heidi and Kristin don?t like camp. They were complaining yesterday that kids were mean, there wasn?t enough water, and there was a mean older woman there, blah blah blah. They were both groggy this morning. I said to them camp is the way it?s going to be, like it or not and took them there this morning. Told them to ignore the mean kids and give it a fair chance.

I can?t even find a place that will take Billy. I was hoping to get him registered for some trips through YES but they don?t even take kids Billy?s age. I am appalled?the kids 13-15 years old are so vulnerable to getting into trouble. I can?t believe there?s nothing out there to address that need.

Today we?re driving to Bay Shore to meet the social worker at the hospice. That?s where they?re going to have the bereavement groups for the kids starting next week Wednesday. How ironic?Wednesday. Each week it?ll be the anniversary of your passing by one more week. Tomorrow it will be six weeks?

Yesterday it was Billy?s turn to talk to Roseanne. She says that he?s doing okay, he?ll be okay. He?s using the same defense mechanisms he?s always used and he?s processing things very analytically. Gosh, I guess like a scientist. I imagine he?s a lot like you? Anyway Roseanne said that he?ll be okay because I?m there to validate his feelings and try to give a name to them. I was worried about him stuffing his feelings. I am worried about ME stuffing MY feelings. The people on the list say I should welcome the Novocain feeling because it will wear off eventually.

I didn?t wake up at all last night. Either I was too exhausted and slept too heavily OR I got the answer I needed from you. I?d been wondering what time of the night you died and to think so clearly ?this is it? two nights in a row is a pretty clear message to me.

Last night Jeff S called to try and help me fix my hard drive. I can?t believe this is still dragging on. The trouble with my computer started even before you were hospitalized. Thing is, I don?t really care very much any more. I mean, I would want to get it fixed for the sake of having a computer with more memory and to give the computer back to the kids?but otherwise, eh. I haven?t been to many of the lists or sites that I used to go to and I just mainly live on the Widownet board and list.

I talked to Heidi last night about our sleeping arrangements. Some of the people on the list felt that the girls should stay. Some felt they should go back to their own rooms. Heidi said she slept in our bed partly because she assumed I wanted her to (it?s true) and partly because she would be too lonely in her own bed, but that she supposed she and Kristin should move back to their own room ?soon?. But I?m not in any hurry to kick them out. I think I would have trouble sleeping if I was all alone.
:( I really miss you so much.

My posts to widow support board:

July 3, 2001

I have always been strong.
What I am dealing with now is issues that are rearing their ugly heads from
childhood.
They have to do with abandonment. My parents were alcoholic so I've always
felt strong, had to take care of myself and all that stuff.
Rich used to say, "I'll never leave you" and when I'd worry about his
condition he'd say, "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." Well, HE didn't
mean to go anywhere anyway...
I sort of feel him with me. I don't think he's left me.
But those old issues from childhood, when there is a crisis they come back
and bite you on the butt!
***************************

My best friend and soulmate
Rich died on 5/23/01. I am still in a novocain state. Rich had Marfan
syndrome and heart disease (cardiomyopathy) and had recently had a bout of
atrial fibrillation that was being controlled with medication. He'd been
seeing the doctors and having tests run ... he was feeling better, was more
upbeat and spoke of wanting to get around to see family and friends more
regularly again. He went back into a-fib on 5/22, late at night; we called
the cardiologist who wasn't alarmed. A-fib isn't a lethal arrythmia, many
people have it. Rich was to take another digoxin and try to relax, which he
did. We held hands and talked for over an hour before he asked me to go on
upstairs and get some sleep, I needed the rest. Sometime after that,
something happened, his heart stopped and he died. I think on some level he
may have known what was coming and didn't want me there. Unfortunately, my
14 year old son was the first one downstairs and found Rich...we also have
two daughters, 12 and 9. This has been a difficult journey, we are all
stunned. I still feel like I'm in the wrong movie and I am really upset with
the script writer for screwing this up...
***********************


July 1, 2001

Just a couple of weeks before he died (I didn't see it coming), Rich said he
wanted to get out more often, he wanted to go to church regularly again,
visit family and friends, go on picnics and so on. We bought a cane for him
to use because walking had become so painful and we bought a special camp
chair so he'd be comfortable at a picnic. Four days after we bought the
chair, his heart stopped and he died.
I took the kids to a new church and they were going to have a picnic. They
invited us to come. I thought about it. I thought about how much I wished
Rich was there. I thought I would rather be at home not going places if only
he could be with me. Anyway, how I get around the feelings is that I think
that Rich would not want me to stay at home and also, he is with us in
spirit.
I went to the restaurant we'd eaten about 10 days before he died. I went
with two friends and funny thing is, just as we ordered the one friend said,
"I hope this isn't a place you and Rich came to regularly?" And I pointed to
a nearby table and said, as a matter of fact, we were here last week and sat
there but it's okay because the memories were good and I think this is what
he'd want, not for me to be sad all the time but to celebrate that I had him
in my life.
I'm trying to do that but I think I'm still full up with novocain or
something. I still feel like I'm dream walking sometimes.

June 30, 2001
Post to widow support board:

Hi Rob,
I think you need to do what feels right to you. If you are more comfortable
making a change, do it--it's not ever too early or too late. It's when you
feel like making a change.
My situation is a little different. What happened with Rich is a long story
and some day I'll tell it. Anyway, he got up at about 1:30 in the morning
saying he felt too anxious to sleep. He was in a-fib, something he'd
experienced over the last 13 years but he'd always been okay and returned to
a normal sinus ryhthm. In April, he fainted and went on another med to
control the a-fib. He was afraid of the whole process beginning again
although when we'd called the cardiologist earlier he assured us it was not
life threatening and that Rich should just try to relax. Anyway, he often
would watch TV, relax, and fall asleep. I said I'd sit up with him and he
said no, go back to bed. I sort of suspect that on some level Rich knew.
And sometime after I went back up to bed, Rich's heart stopped and he died.
I left him settled on the couch. In the morning, he was on his back in the
middle of the room. I have no idea how that happened; no one heard him fall
or call out or anything. I had an ADC session with an acquaintance who is a
channeler and she said that Rich did not want me or any of the kids to see
what happened; he wanted to be found as if he was asleep and that's just
what he looked like.
Anyway, I can see the place on the floor where we found him but I'm okay
with it. Maybe it's because I got to talk to Rich for about an hour that
last night before we tried to sleep and we both knew how much we loved each
other. Or maybe it's because it's the fact that he didn't seem to be in
pain, just sleeping, and so it doesn't upset me as much. I have no clue...
The only thing I did was get rid of all his medicines (finally)but I haven't
made too many other changes yet.
********************

I get upset when I don't "hear" his voice. I can see his face, I can bring
up an imagine of the way he looked at me--he had beautiful blue eyes--and I
remember his hands and fingers, his goatee, I remember WORDS but I can't
always hear the voice and that's when I become upset. I want to remember
everything about Rich...but I don't have his voice recorded anywhere. Once
in a while I can "hear" it but not always.
Linda, I agree...I do feel so much better when I can remember all of the
things about Rich, who was my best friend, my soulmate. I feel lost when I
can't remember the voice...


July 2, 2001

Dear Rich,

Today I dropped the girls off at camp. It!|s a beautiful day and I think they!|ll have a good time today. They!|ll be going to Bethpage State Park for most of the day. I!|m hoping they!|ll enjoy themselves and that they!|ll be good and tired when I pick them up. Billy sees Roseanne today and Heidi is supposed to watch Ashley today.

Oh, boy! On Friday, Heidi was watching Ashley and for whatever reason gave the kid the key to the house!Xand Ashley lost it! So Ashley!|s grandmother was pretty upset with Heidi, who felt that the grandmother should have !?known better!? and had more copies of the key. I said to Heidi, !?The thing is, you shouldn!|t have given the key to Ashley in the first place. She!|s just a little girl.!? And Heidi protested, !?I know that Mom but Ashley!|s grandmother still should have had extra keys!!? I wonder if Heidi really does understand. The bottom line is that the key is Heidi!|s responsibility while she!|s watching Ashley.

On Saturday, Robin and Cheryl were supposed to come over in the afternoon to go swimming. Nancy was supposed to be there, too, but she was going to Delaware first and then was coming out later in the day, around 4:30. Anyway, it was a very hot, muggy day. Robin arrived first and we went to the pool. It wasn!|t crowded at all and the water was tepid, like bath water. Robin was telling me how much pain her husband, Dan, was in so I suggested she call him and have him come over too and he did. Cheryl arrived soon after with her daughter Christina and Christina!|s friend Danielle. So we had a terrific afternoon. Mostly we just floated around the pool and talked. I did have to send Billy back to the house because he kept hitting the girls in the head with his kickboard. He said he didn!|t, but I saw him.

Around five, Dan and Robin left to have dinner with their son. As much as Robin worries about Dan and her son (and I understand why, they have diabetes and some complications arising from them) I couldn!|t help but feel envious of the two of them. They still have each other. I tried not to think about that. Cheryl also left to take a shower. She was going to come back and then we were going to order out pizza for dinner. Nancy still hadn!|t shown up and I took a shower.

When Cheryl and the two girls came back around 6:15, I called the accursed Marino!|s. I started to tell Cheryl about the family special but then we remembered the garlic knots and decided not to do that, too many bad funky memories of that last cursed delivery where instead of knots we got garlic bread. Well, anyway, Nancy still hadn!|t shown up and the delivery guy forgot the salad and went back to get another one. I realized just how expensive it is to get Marino!|s pizzas so I!|ll try another place next time (tonight). Meantime, Robin arrived back!Kand still no Nancy.

I was beginning to worry about her.

Just when I was about to call Kay, Nancy called. She!|d been stuck in traffic since 4:30! There were festivals and other problems that caused horrible snarls. Poor Nancy. I know you and I would be basket cases in a situation like that! :P Anyway, Nancy finally came out around 8 and then we sat and bullshitted for a couple of hours. We never did watch the Frid tapes that Nancy brought but she loaned them all to Robin once we made plans to get together again on July 4th.

Nancy told us about the Frid Show Trip From Hell in Dalton, GA. The show was undersold because the sponsor didn!|t publicize until the last minute. The lights and sound schedule was screwed up and Nancy had to run that. Jonathan Frid forgot an important light stand and they were out running around in Home Depot and K-Mart and Nancy even went to truck stops looking for one. There weren!|t enough volunteers on hand to help, and it just sounded like a mess. This same sponsor wanted Frid to come back to Nashville, and Nancy said she was kicking Jonathan under the table. There!|s no way, she says. She looked exhausted.

Cheryl, Robin and I all agreed to help Nancy in December. I!|m going to find a place for the kids to stay that weekend and then I!|m going to split a room with the two of them and maybe one more person, Nancy I guess. I!|m sorry you!|re not going to get to see the show. I think you would have enjoyed it. ?? Everyone ended up leaving around 11 but I was up until after midnight!Kcouldn!|t sleep.

Billy came in around 1:30 the night before and there was thunder crashing. The power went out momentarily and so groggily I reset the clock. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes but he ended up sleeping downstairs anyway. I woke up at 3:15 or 3:45, I!|m not sure which, and realized I!|d set the clock wrong. I also realized that I!|d been dreaming something but I can!|t remember what and I remember thinking when I woke up !Ythis is when Rich died!|. I don!|t know why I thought that. It didn!|t seem like that was part of the dream but I can!|t be sure.

We all got up early the next morning for breakfast at Brady Park, and I was really dragging. Still, the breakfast was really nice. We got lots of food, so much so that I didn!|t eat lunch and never missed it. We were there until almost eleven, talking. Billy got involved in a conversation with someone about animals and science; Robin took the girls for a walk. Cheryl and I just sat and vegged.

I thought about taking the kids to the beach later and mentioned it. The girls, of course, were anxious to go. The power went out suddenly and unexpectedly and I!|d just gotten the computer to reboot when it went out again. So I shut all the power off and went up to take a nap. At first I couldn!|t sleep because Heidi and Kristin kept fighting. When I did get up, I felt worn out. Still needed to do the laundry and so I told the kids no beach today.

Heidi immediately copped an attitude and said we only go places that I want to go to which is untrue and unfair. So I got really mad at her. They!|re both still pretty sunburned from the day before and I pointed out they!|d be going to the park today with the day care. Not only that but on Wednesday we!|d be going to Cheryl!|s for a picnic/barbecue and that, in truth, we were actually doing a LOT of stuff. Grudgingly the girls agreed.

I watched Lethal Weapon with them. I suggested we could watch movies together every night. I forgot that today Ashley would be at our house until ten. :P So I guess instead of Lethal Weapon 2 we!|ll have to pick a nice, tame movie. Oh well.

I went to bed about the same time, maybe earlier and woke up this morning again at the same time, realized I!|d been dreaming but couldn!|t remember about what, and looked at the clock and thought again, !Ythis is when Rich died.!| It!|s a little spooky. So is this true? Is that what you!|re trying to tell me? I!|d still like to know how you ended up on the floor the way you did. You!|d been on the sofa. Did you fall? Or did you just lie down or roll off the sofa? It!|s screwy the kinds of things that I wonder about!K

There were a couple of questions on the WN (Widow Net) board that made me stop and think. One was to think of something positive that happened since you died, a positive change, I guess. So I thought right away of the fact that we!|re so much more active now. I still feel guilty about that, wondering if these are things you would have enjoyed doing and would have made an effort to do!Xor are these things we might have skipped because you weren!|t feeling well? I don!|t know!KI believe if you were living I would not have made as much effort to go to the beach, pool, to the picnic and so on. I feel bad about that.

And the other thing was to tell in what way I!|ve become stronger since you!|ve died. I don!|t think I!|ve become stronger. I was already strong. But I do think the challenge will be to pierce through the armor I!|ve put up. I!|ve always had this protective shell around me against being abandoned or left or whatever you want to call it. Other widows say they cry every day and they can!|t imagine life without their husbands. I haven!|t cried and I think what I!|m trying very hard to do is to avoid thinking about life without you. I!|m not so sure that this is a good thing. I just don!|t know how to do this grieving process right.

I can almost hear you saying that I was always good at putting myself on a guilt trip!Xand you!|re right. I just wonder why I!|m not crying more, why I!|m not screaming and railing and striking out more. I know it!|s a different process for everyone, and I guess I just haven!|t accepted the fact that you are really and truly gone yet.

More later. I love you, baby,
Me