July 4, 2001
Happy Fourth of July, sweetheart,

This Wednesday hasn?t been as terrible and sad as the other Wednesdays. It?s been six weeks now since you?ve died, and I can hardly believe how quickly time passed. Heidi cried again for you today, after we got home from Cheryl?s house. I haven?t cried since that one awful Monday. I?ve felt really strange about that but I?ve been hearing that it?s normal.

Well, this is what we did today. I thought at first the plans for the Fourth would be off because the weather reports all called for rain, rain and more rain. I thought, Plan B could be going to the movies. It didn?t start to rain, though, and Robin emailed and said the rain wasn?t supposed to start until fireworks time so maybe we could go on with the barbecue. Cheryl agreed and I got into the idea again, got off my fat ass and made potato salad the way you always did.

Nancy decided she?s had so much bad luck with traffic and rain that she and Kay would bail. I took the kids over to Cheryl?s around two and we were there until the rain started at about 8:30. And we had a good time! Billy did all the grilling. He made a couple of boo-boos and errors in judgement but overall he did a great job.

We really had a nice time. I wish you?d been there, maybe you were? We made plans for more barbecues this summer and one of them will be in honor of your birthday, August 4th.

It?s at times like these, later in the evening, that I find myself looking for you and really missing you. My darling, I hope that you don?t have the regrets I do or the pain. I just would love to be able to hold your hand once more and to tell you how much I love you. I wish you would come and visit me in my dreams tonight and I wish I could remember them.

Good night my love,
Love you forever,
Me

My posts to widow support board:

I remember one really nice Fourth of July before Rich and I married. We went
down to the marina in the late afternoon and went swimming. We'd brought a
picnic dinner with us and earlier in the evening, there was a local group
that performed and we enjoyed listening to the music. We both had chaise
lounges and we set them up side by side. When the fireworks started we held
hands and watched. They were Grucci fireworks, absolutely gorgeous to
behold.
Another good memory...when we first bought our house in Columbia, Md, we
learned we were only a 1/2 mile walk to the town center if we used one of
the walking paths. So we went with our neighbors and joined hundreds of
other people at Lake Kittimaqundi. Columia had an annual festival going on
so there were lots of entertainers and clowns. That first year a
photographer snapped a picture of my two older kids talking to a clown, they
were just 4 and 2 then. Those were lovely fireworks too. The last time we
walked was when Kristin was just a baby, maybe about 6 months old and we
walked her in a carriage. Billy and Heidi had to walk and we were tired but
happy. After that, Rich couldn't make the walk anymore so we'd go up on the
school field behind out house and watch. Lots of our neighbors would go out
there, too, and it was festive.
Last year we watched the fireworks on television.
This year, I took the kids to a friend's house. They were calling for rain
and it actually did start raining but not until 8:30. We had a wonderful
time. The kids enjoyed themselves and I had a few moments of sadness but was
glad to have friends with me. Heidi started crying when we came home.
We miss Rich. There are so many good memories.

July 3, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Heidi and Kristin don?t like camp. They were complaining yesterday that kids were mean, there wasn?t enough water, and there was a mean older woman there, blah blah blah. They were both groggy this morning. I said to them camp is the way it?s going to be, like it or not and took them there this morning. Told them to ignore the mean kids and give it a fair chance.

I can?t even find a place that will take Billy. I was hoping to get him registered for some trips through YES but they don?t even take kids Billy?s age. I am appalled?the kids 13-15 years old are so vulnerable to getting into trouble. I can?t believe there?s nothing out there to address that need.

Today we?re driving to Bay Shore to meet the social worker at the hospice. That?s where they?re going to have the bereavement groups for the kids starting next week Wednesday. How ironic?Wednesday. Each week it?ll be the anniversary of your passing by one more week. Tomorrow it will be six weeks?

Yesterday it was Billy?s turn to talk to Roseanne. She says that he?s doing okay, he?ll be okay. He?s using the same defense mechanisms he?s always used and he?s processing things very analytically. Gosh, I guess like a scientist. I imagine he?s a lot like you? Anyway Roseanne said that he?ll be okay because I?m there to validate his feelings and try to give a name to them. I was worried about him stuffing his feelings. I am worried about ME stuffing MY feelings. The people on the list say I should welcome the Novocain feeling because it will wear off eventually.

I didn?t wake up at all last night. Either I was too exhausted and slept too heavily OR I got the answer I needed from you. I?d been wondering what time of the night you died and to think so clearly ?this is it? two nights in a row is a pretty clear message to me.

Last night Jeff S called to try and help me fix my hard drive. I can?t believe this is still dragging on. The trouble with my computer started even before you were hospitalized. Thing is, I don?t really care very much any more. I mean, I would want to get it fixed for the sake of having a computer with more memory and to give the computer back to the kids?but otherwise, eh. I haven?t been to many of the lists or sites that I used to go to and I just mainly live on the Widownet board and list.

I talked to Heidi last night about our sleeping arrangements. Some of the people on the list felt that the girls should stay. Some felt they should go back to their own rooms. Heidi said she slept in our bed partly because she assumed I wanted her to (it?s true) and partly because she would be too lonely in her own bed, but that she supposed she and Kristin should move back to their own room ?soon?. But I?m not in any hurry to kick them out. I think I would have trouble sleeping if I was all alone.
:( I really miss you so much.

My posts to widow support board:

July 3, 2001

I have always been strong.
What I am dealing with now is issues that are rearing their ugly heads from
childhood.
They have to do with abandonment. My parents were alcoholic so I've always
felt strong, had to take care of myself and all that stuff.
Rich used to say, "I'll never leave you" and when I'd worry about his
condition he'd say, "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." Well, HE didn't
mean to go anywhere anyway...
I sort of feel him with me. I don't think he's left me.
But those old issues from childhood, when there is a crisis they come back
and bite you on the butt!
***************************

My best friend and soulmate
Rich died on 5/23/01. I am still in a novocain state. Rich had Marfan
syndrome and heart disease (cardiomyopathy) and had recently had a bout of
atrial fibrillation that was being controlled with medication. He'd been
seeing the doctors and having tests run ... he was feeling better, was more
upbeat and spoke of wanting to get around to see family and friends more
regularly again. He went back into a-fib on 5/22, late at night; we called
the cardiologist who wasn't alarmed. A-fib isn't a lethal arrythmia, many
people have it. Rich was to take another digoxin and try to relax, which he
did. We held hands and talked for over an hour before he asked me to go on
upstairs and get some sleep, I needed the rest. Sometime after that,
something happened, his heart stopped and he died. I think on some level he
may have known what was coming and didn't want me there. Unfortunately, my
14 year old son was the first one downstairs and found Rich...we also have
two daughters, 12 and 9. This has been a difficult journey, we are all
stunned. I still feel like I'm in the wrong movie and I am really upset with
the script writer for screwing this up...
***********************


July 1, 2001

Just a couple of weeks before he died (I didn't see it coming), Rich said he
wanted to get out more often, he wanted to go to church regularly again,
visit family and friends, go on picnics and so on. We bought a cane for him
to use because walking had become so painful and we bought a special camp
chair so he'd be comfortable at a picnic. Four days after we bought the
chair, his heart stopped and he died.
I took the kids to a new church and they were going to have a picnic. They
invited us to come. I thought about it. I thought about how much I wished
Rich was there. I thought I would rather be at home not going places if only
he could be with me. Anyway, how I get around the feelings is that I think
that Rich would not want me to stay at home and also, he is with us in
spirit.
I went to the restaurant we'd eaten about 10 days before he died. I went
with two friends and funny thing is, just as we ordered the one friend said,
"I hope this isn't a place you and Rich came to regularly?" And I pointed to
a nearby table and said, as a matter of fact, we were here last week and sat
there but it's okay because the memories were good and I think this is what
he'd want, not for me to be sad all the time but to celebrate that I had him
in my life.
I'm trying to do that but I think I'm still full up with novocain or
something. I still feel like I'm dream walking sometimes.

June 30, 2001
Post to widow support board:

Hi Rob,
I think you need to do what feels right to you. If you are more comfortable
making a change, do it--it's not ever too early or too late. It's when you
feel like making a change.
My situation is a little different. What happened with Rich is a long story
and some day I'll tell it. Anyway, he got up at about 1:30 in the morning
saying he felt too anxious to sleep. He was in a-fib, something he'd
experienced over the last 13 years but he'd always been okay and returned to
a normal sinus ryhthm. In April, he fainted and went on another med to
control the a-fib. He was afraid of the whole process beginning again
although when we'd called the cardiologist earlier he assured us it was not
life threatening and that Rich should just try to relax. Anyway, he often
would watch TV, relax, and fall asleep. I said I'd sit up with him and he
said no, go back to bed. I sort of suspect that on some level Rich knew.
And sometime after I went back up to bed, Rich's heart stopped and he died.
I left him settled on the couch. In the morning, he was on his back in the
middle of the room. I have no idea how that happened; no one heard him fall
or call out or anything. I had an ADC session with an acquaintance who is a
channeler and she said that Rich did not want me or any of the kids to see
what happened; he wanted to be found as if he was asleep and that's just
what he looked like.
Anyway, I can see the place on the floor where we found him but I'm okay
with it. Maybe it's because I got to talk to Rich for about an hour that
last night before we tried to sleep and we both knew how much we loved each
other. Or maybe it's because it's the fact that he didn't seem to be in
pain, just sleeping, and so it doesn't upset me as much. I have no clue...
The only thing I did was get rid of all his medicines (finally)but I haven't
made too many other changes yet.
********************

I get upset when I don't "hear" his voice. I can see his face, I can bring
up an imagine of the way he looked at me--he had beautiful blue eyes--and I
remember his hands and fingers, his goatee, I remember WORDS but I can't
always hear the voice and that's when I become upset. I want to remember
everything about Rich...but I don't have his voice recorded anywhere. Once
in a while I can "hear" it but not always.
Linda, I agree...I do feel so much better when I can remember all of the
things about Rich, who was my best friend, my soulmate. I feel lost when I
can't remember the voice...


July 2, 2001

Dear Rich,

Today I dropped the girls off at camp. It!|s a beautiful day and I think they!|ll have a good time today. They!|ll be going to Bethpage State Park for most of the day. I!|m hoping they!|ll enjoy themselves and that they!|ll be good and tired when I pick them up. Billy sees Roseanne today and Heidi is supposed to watch Ashley today.

Oh, boy! On Friday, Heidi was watching Ashley and for whatever reason gave the kid the key to the house!Xand Ashley lost it! So Ashley!|s grandmother was pretty upset with Heidi, who felt that the grandmother should have !?known better!? and had more copies of the key. I said to Heidi, !?The thing is, you shouldn!|t have given the key to Ashley in the first place. She!|s just a little girl.!? And Heidi protested, !?I know that Mom but Ashley!|s grandmother still should have had extra keys!!? I wonder if Heidi really does understand. The bottom line is that the key is Heidi!|s responsibility while she!|s watching Ashley.

On Saturday, Robin and Cheryl were supposed to come over in the afternoon to go swimming. Nancy was supposed to be there, too, but she was going to Delaware first and then was coming out later in the day, around 4:30. Anyway, it was a very hot, muggy day. Robin arrived first and we went to the pool. It wasn!|t crowded at all and the water was tepid, like bath water. Robin was telling me how much pain her husband, Dan, was in so I suggested she call him and have him come over too and he did. Cheryl arrived soon after with her daughter Christina and Christina!|s friend Danielle. So we had a terrific afternoon. Mostly we just floated around the pool and talked. I did have to send Billy back to the house because he kept hitting the girls in the head with his kickboard. He said he didn!|t, but I saw him.

Around five, Dan and Robin left to have dinner with their son. As much as Robin worries about Dan and her son (and I understand why, they have diabetes and some complications arising from them) I couldn!|t help but feel envious of the two of them. They still have each other. I tried not to think about that. Cheryl also left to take a shower. She was going to come back and then we were going to order out pizza for dinner. Nancy still hadn!|t shown up and I took a shower.

When Cheryl and the two girls came back around 6:15, I called the accursed Marino!|s. I started to tell Cheryl about the family special but then we remembered the garlic knots and decided not to do that, too many bad funky memories of that last cursed delivery where instead of knots we got garlic bread. Well, anyway, Nancy still hadn!|t shown up and the delivery guy forgot the salad and went back to get another one. I realized just how expensive it is to get Marino!|s pizzas so I!|ll try another place next time (tonight). Meantime, Robin arrived back!Kand still no Nancy.

I was beginning to worry about her.

Just when I was about to call Kay, Nancy called. She!|d been stuck in traffic since 4:30! There were festivals and other problems that caused horrible snarls. Poor Nancy. I know you and I would be basket cases in a situation like that! :P Anyway, Nancy finally came out around 8 and then we sat and bullshitted for a couple of hours. We never did watch the Frid tapes that Nancy brought but she loaned them all to Robin once we made plans to get together again on July 4th.

Nancy told us about the Frid Show Trip From Hell in Dalton, GA. The show was undersold because the sponsor didn!|t publicize until the last minute. The lights and sound schedule was screwed up and Nancy had to run that. Jonathan Frid forgot an important light stand and they were out running around in Home Depot and K-Mart and Nancy even went to truck stops looking for one. There weren!|t enough volunteers on hand to help, and it just sounded like a mess. This same sponsor wanted Frid to come back to Nashville, and Nancy said she was kicking Jonathan under the table. There!|s no way, she says. She looked exhausted.

Cheryl, Robin and I all agreed to help Nancy in December. I!|m going to find a place for the kids to stay that weekend and then I!|m going to split a room with the two of them and maybe one more person, Nancy I guess. I!|m sorry you!|re not going to get to see the show. I think you would have enjoyed it. ?? Everyone ended up leaving around 11 but I was up until after midnight!Kcouldn!|t sleep.

Billy came in around 1:30 the night before and there was thunder crashing. The power went out momentarily and so groggily I reset the clock. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes but he ended up sleeping downstairs anyway. I woke up at 3:15 or 3:45, I!|m not sure which, and realized I!|d set the clock wrong. I also realized that I!|d been dreaming something but I can!|t remember what and I remember thinking when I woke up !Ythis is when Rich died!|. I don!|t know why I thought that. It didn!|t seem like that was part of the dream but I can!|t be sure.

We all got up early the next morning for breakfast at Brady Park, and I was really dragging. Still, the breakfast was really nice. We got lots of food, so much so that I didn!|t eat lunch and never missed it. We were there until almost eleven, talking. Billy got involved in a conversation with someone about animals and science; Robin took the girls for a walk. Cheryl and I just sat and vegged.

I thought about taking the kids to the beach later and mentioned it. The girls, of course, were anxious to go. The power went out suddenly and unexpectedly and I!|d just gotten the computer to reboot when it went out again. So I shut all the power off and went up to take a nap. At first I couldn!|t sleep because Heidi and Kristin kept fighting. When I did get up, I felt worn out. Still needed to do the laundry and so I told the kids no beach today.

Heidi immediately copped an attitude and said we only go places that I want to go to which is untrue and unfair. So I got really mad at her. They!|re both still pretty sunburned from the day before and I pointed out they!|d be going to the park today with the day care. Not only that but on Wednesday we!|d be going to Cheryl!|s for a picnic/barbecue and that, in truth, we were actually doing a LOT of stuff. Grudgingly the girls agreed.

I watched Lethal Weapon with them. I suggested we could watch movies together every night. I forgot that today Ashley would be at our house until ten. :P So I guess instead of Lethal Weapon 2 we!|ll have to pick a nice, tame movie. Oh well.

I went to bed about the same time, maybe earlier and woke up this morning again at the same time, realized I!|d been dreaming but couldn!|t remember about what, and looked at the clock and thought again, !Ythis is when Rich died.!| It!|s a little spooky. So is this true? Is that what you!|re trying to tell me? I!|d still like to know how you ended up on the floor the way you did. You!|d been on the sofa. Did you fall? Or did you just lie down or roll off the sofa? It!|s screwy the kinds of things that I wonder about!K

There were a couple of questions on the WN (Widow Net) board that made me stop and think. One was to think of something positive that happened since you died, a positive change, I guess. So I thought right away of the fact that we!|re so much more active now. I still feel guilty about that, wondering if these are things you would have enjoyed doing and would have made an effort to do!Xor are these things we might have skipped because you weren!|t feeling well? I don!|t know!KI believe if you were living I would not have made as much effort to go to the beach, pool, to the picnic and so on. I feel bad about that.

And the other thing was to tell in what way I!|ve become stronger since you!|ve died. I don!|t think I!|ve become stronger. I was already strong. But I do think the challenge will be to pierce through the armor I!|ve put up. I!|ve always had this protective shell around me against being abandoned or left or whatever you want to call it. Other widows say they cry every day and they can!|t imagine life without their husbands. I haven!|t cried and I think what I!|m trying very hard to do is to avoid thinking about life without you. I!|m not so sure that this is a good thing. I just don!|t know how to do this grieving process right.

I can almost hear you saying that I was always good at putting myself on a guilt trip!Xand you!|re right. I just wonder why I!|m not crying more, why I!|m not screaming and railing and striking out more. I know it!|s a different process for everyone, and I guess I just haven!|t accepted the fact that you are really and truly gone yet.

More later. I love you, baby,
Me

June 29, 2001
Well, my thought was interrupted by one of our little darlings?Heidi, I think?who called because they were all killing each other again. I?d made up this little schedule for them to follow and it just wasn?t going to work. So I had to tell them at work that I had an emergency and had to leave. I felt really crummy about it and I was really mad at someone or something?you for leaving me? I don?t know. God? I don?t know. Fate? Absolutely. Why does this bad shit keep happening to us?

Today I got the kids into a daycare program, well, Heidi and Kristin anyway. They start on Monday. And we got our glasses at last?and it cost like $600. The day care is another $3000?this is really getting crazy here, Rich. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?????? Why now? You were doing better, I thought?
I guess we just ran out of chances, huh?

We found your missing lens! I don?t know how it got there but it was buried inside one of the couches. Now, where are you hiding my watch?
I love you my darling. I always will?forever?

Post to widow support board:

I can feel the anger and resentment. I'm not sure who or what I'm angry
with.
I had some trouble with the kids last night and so I spouted off at Rich a
little--he always would say to me when I was sick, "Don't you leave me with
these kids!" It was sort of like a joke but it wasn't funny last night and I
told him I thought it was a dirty trick. I don't think he wanted to die or
intended to, and it didn't feel "right".
I wondered if I was angry with God. My daughter is and she's really clear
about that. "Why does God keep having bad things happen to us?" I kinda
wondered that myself. We've had more than the average. I can't think of any
lengthy period of time where there hasn't been a financial crisis or
disaster or some scary health issue.
I thought I might be angry with the doctor but then decided that isn't it
either. The doctor was genuinely shocked and horrified by what happened; he
didn't expect it. None of us did.
Am I angry with myself? At one in the morning, Rich woke up again and he
tried to go to the bathroom got dizzy and wet himself. I woke up shortly
thereafter and asked, "What's wrong?" he told me, sounding embarrassed, and
said he was nervous and tense, his heart was racing and he wanted to go
downstairs and watch TV. So I got him a change of shorts and went down with
him to get him settled. He seemed fine, just bothered by it all and he told
me to go back up to bed. Looking back, I should have called the doctor or
911...but he'd been in and out of a-fib, when he passed out in April, he'd
also wet himself, and we were told several times that although a-fib is
scary, it's not life threatening, many people have it. The doctor, when we
called earlier, said Rich should take more digoxin, relax and try to sleep.
Usually the afib would correct itself and if not, Rich could just come to
the office in the morning...
Except he was dead by then.
I am angry with myself. That feels "right" but the anger is directed
somewhere else too and I just haven't figured it out yet. Maybe I am one of
the ones who's afraid to be angry of God, afraid to bring down more wrath
and vendettas.
**********************

Don't feel guilty if you crack a joke or laugh. Did you and Katherine crack
jokes together? Rich and I would get going, sometimes we had what's called
real gallows humor.
I laughed again several times at Rich's wake talking to his co-workers. We
all had Rich tales, but there was one on me, too. One lady said, "Oh, yes,
you're the one who would come and sleep in the parking lot and sometimes
leave the headlights on" and that got us talking about another funny
story...
well, Rich had a wonderful sense of humor. He would like it that I could
still laugh and smile.
I never met Katherine and don't mean to be presumptuous. Maybe she would
feel the same way.
But your feelings are your own and you work through them at your own pace. I
am still in a kind of shock myself. I'm not in any hurry to come out of it
either because I remember surgery--when the anesthesia wears off, it REALLY
hurts.
***********************


Me

Message board post
June 28, 2001

My husband died rather unexpectedly at home sometime after 1:30 a.m. on May 23rd. My kids have various issues and some are just beginning to surface.
My son came downstairs and found my husband on the floor. He screamed for me. I thought that Rich might have fainted from an episode of a-fib but realized that was not the case as soon as I saw him. I had my son call 911 and then quickly take his sisters across the street to a neighbor. My son later told me he knew that his father was already gone but still, he asked me if I knew CPR and if the paramedics could save Rich. The kids all cried hard when I came back from the hospital and told them their father died.
Heidi had an argument with Rich the night before, just before the episode with a-fib began. The kids were all fighting and Rich had them go to bed early so they were all angry with him...and when they woke up, he was gone. So that piece of it has been hard for them. Heidi blamed herself and the counselor and I told her that she did not cause the a-fib (she didn't--Rich apparently just was a lot sicker than we realized) but I don't know if she believes it. She's having a lot of explosions of rage.
The youngest is begining to act out, tantrums, anger, stuff like that.
We are all in counseling and I signed the kids up for an 8 week bereavement group. This was a hoot. The kids had to answer a quesstion, why do you want to come to this group? They ALL said: "My mother is making me."

------------------
I was handling things okay, I thought, and then school let out. I've been
trying to figure out where is the widows w/children board? I tried to sign
up for the list but have not been approved.
We couldn't afford to register the kids for camp and even now, based on DSS
criteria I don't qualify for aid so my son was confident that at 14 he and
his two sister 12 and 9 could manage. Well day 2 and I am home, had to leave
work early because one locked the other in the bathroom, one tried to gauge
another with her nails and the little one took refuge under her bed.
I got applications for the girls to go to daycare camp and am just waiting
for the doctor's paperwork. Meanwhile, though, I am SO angry I think *I* may
be dangerous. I am furious with Rich (WHY did he leave me? He was always
saying to me, don't you leave me with these kids and now he did it to me!)
and I'm angry with the kids. I can understand if this was a matter of
missing dad but you know what? It's just the SOSDD stuff that brought us to
counseling last year. The middle kid hates her sister and has never forgiven
us for having her. Doesn't matter that we take Heidi out for lunch, spend
extra time with her and so on. The therapist at the time was working with
Heidi on a "better" way to manage her anger and hostility.
I left work to come home and make sure that no one got hurt and I'm shaking
all over. I feel like such a rotten mother. This is really going to set us
way back financially and I really resent it that the two older kids can't
even control themselves for part of the day...Iget home at 3.
When the girls do go to daycare though, I'm not picking them up at 3, no
way. I'll pick them up at FIVE and I won't feel guilty about it either.
Sorry to be so explosive,
**************************





June 28, 2001

Hi sweetie,

Yesterday was one of those days when I was really pissed that I have been left alone here to deal with the kids. I don?t know if I was more pissed at you, at God, or at bad luck. They called me twice over the stupidest, pettiest things?fighting over the computer and because one is being bossy to another?Kristin is upset because both Billy and Heidi are mean to her. I really got mad and got paper work to put them in a camp. But we don?t qualify for social service assistance and one kid for eight weeks is over a thousand dollars. I don?t know if I could handle that what with having to pay the IRS AND the 401K and so on. So we made up a schedule of what time each kid would use the computer and the TV and I told the kids to stick to it! We?ll see if it works. If not, I?m going to have to bite the bullet and find a place for them to go.

The dentist worked on my tooth a little more today. Next time he?s just going to x ray while we wait to find out what the insurance company will pay for. The parking lot was finished but it was so hot yesterday that we all had to park ?..

June 27, 2001
I can?t find my watch; you didn?t hide it on me, did you? I hope I didn?t lose it at the pool. I remember bringing it along when we went and I wonder if I dropped it on the way back. Today it?s been five weeks, Rich. I?m still full of Novocain or something. I don?t feel anything very much but people tell me that it?s normal. I still have this irritable ?this is not the way it was supposed to happen? feeling sometimes.

The men are still paving the lot. If there?s one thing to be glad for it?s that you are spared this aggravation. If you?d lived I would drive through the cones to be able to drop you off close to the house because they haven?t even put the new top down by us. I think they will today and this afternoon the stuff might still be damp and wet so I don?t know. At least you don?t have to walk. You were in so much pain most of the time.

I was talking to Connie last night, my friend in New Jersey. When you were in the hospital last month, she was emailing a friend named Karen who asked what exactly was going on with you. Connie explained all the problems you were having and Karen wondered if you?d even be around in five years. I look back on the last year or so and I can see so many signs. That?s why I was so worried about you and wanted you to take better care of yourself. I didn?t want this.

Heidi is watching Ashley for the first time today. I have to have more work done on a root canal and I?m hoping that I will be back in time to help her meet Ashley or walk her back to their home. I think Heidi will be okay. Heidi and I still clash but I think we?re getting on better than we did before. I asked the girls if they felt like all this was a dream. Heidi put her head down a little and nodded ?yes? and Kristin said one time she came down the stairs and thought she heard you snoring but was disappointed to find out you weren?t there.

I often wish for communication from you?anything. The last time I felt you were communicating was when the balloon came into my face. I?ve asked you to come to me in my dreams and maybe you do. I can?t remember my dreams. I?ve asked to remember them. I want to remember. My friend Helen in Rochester said she was going to send me a book by John Edward that explains how to become more open and receptive to ADCs.

I also haven?t heard from Helen since she wrote to warn me away from The Bereavement Journey. I thought she had some nerve doing that. If she doesn?t write again it?s okay with me because I don?t like being preached to. I also don?t like her comments about your friends Bob and Marlon and whether they are ?saved?. She tells me she asked you, ?Are you saved?? and you answered, ?I hope so.?
I wish she hadn?t done that to you and I wonder if that?s what got you started wanting to go to church. Sweetie, my belief is that if we accept Jesus as our lord and Savior then we are saved. And while I might quietly talk about how I feel to someone I certainly am not going to go out and twist anyone?s arm to go to church and I?m not going to try and talk anyone into converting from Judaism to Christianity.

Current events: one day recently a mother in Houston, Texas drowned her five children?all of them. She seems to have been suffering from post-partum depression and maybe she is even pregnant again. She had four boys 2 to 7, and a six month old baby girl, Mary. She and her husband have a lot of Christian things around the house. Maybe they were born-again? I don?t know?I thought maybe they were Mormons and that?s why they kept having kids even though the mother had a really bad case of post partum depression after her fourth son was born. She was on Haldol and she tried to commit suicide.
It?s horrible the way things happened here. She drowned the three younger boys and then went for the baby. The oldest caught her at it and tried to run away but she caught him, struggled with him and drowned him too. Then she called the police and then she called her husband and told him he?d better come home.

Rich what an awful thing and on some level I think I could understand what she must have been feeling to be all alone in the house with five small children and no support. Her mother said she was always trying to help everyone else. Well, didn?t it occur to anyone to help HER? The police said when the father came home he became hysterical and yelled at her, ?How could you do this?? Well, where was he when she was falling apart? And apparently there were signs she was deteriorating, especially after her father died.

The police asked him if he?d like a drink of water and he replied I?ll bet you can?t find a clean glass in the house. They looked hard and almost didn?t until the mother directed them to a china closet. Then she was handcuffed and taken away. I wonder why she was taken off the haldol she was on? She must have been very mentally ill. I feel sorry for her and even sorrier that those poor children died the way they did, at the hands of a loving mother. You might disagree with me on this one, or maybe you won?t, but I don?t think this mother should be held criminally responsible. It?s pretty clear to me that she was insane.

I wonder what you would have thought. We talked about things and we disagreed and I think we had trouble talking about our differences of opinion because we tried too hard to convince each other that we were right. We had some royal disagreements and that was unnecessary too. All we needed to do after a certain point was just say, ?let?s agree to disagree??

June 26, 2001
Hi baby,

A new friend I met online, another widow named Helen, called me last night from Rochester. I think she?s lonely because she was telling me that she doesn?t have any other friends that she can relate to. She says she?s difficult to get to know and tends to speak her mind. Does this sound familiar?

Anyway she?s having a rough time because it?s been six months since her husband died and apparently people (particularly her sons) expect her to ?get over it?. She says she never hears from her husband?s relatives anymore and she used to be really close to them. She?s the one whose husband died of cancer at home and she told him to go to the light and she stayed with him until he died. Then she says she fell asleep next to him until the nurse came to pronounce him.

We talked for over an hour. It turns out that she watched Dark Shadows too and remembered the parallel time room because I told her I still feel as if I?m in this other room and just playing a part until we ?flip? back to real time, and that?s where you?ll be. After Helen and I got off the phone, I talked to Billy a little about it. He says that what I?m feeling is denial (ya think??) and I told him yes, I agree and that it?s normal. It?s my body?s way of shielding itself from the pain until I?m more ready to cope with it.

On the widows? message board someone started a naming contest for the Grief Monster, who comes without warning to catch you by the throat. After doing a lot of thinking I decided to call mine Dr.MoeDr.LarryDr.Curly. I thought you?d like that. I know you liked the stooges, particularly Curly. It seemed like this monster can be mean like Moe, poking at the eyes and punching in the stomach but it could also be befuddled, like Larry, and it could be just dingy like Curly. The other thing about Curly is that he would stand up to Moe, even if it was ineffectually. And I know how much you liked Curly?you did a great impression of him!

Yesterday I spent too much money at Applebee?s for dinner. I have to watch it! Billy and Kristin ordered full meals and desserts and it ended up costing us $80. I can?t do that kind of extravagant stuff anymore. Heidi?s meal was paid for by her Girl Scout troop. They also collected some money for me, which was very nice.

I just sat with Billy and Kristin during the dinner and waited for Heidi to finish. I guess I could have sat with the other mothers but I just didn?t feel like it.

I had to park on another street and then Ashley?s grandmother told me that the neighbors on that street aren?t very nice and they have a tendency to call the police and try to have the extra cars towed. That annoyed me. It?s a public street! Anyway, Marilyn (the grandma) told me that we could park in Pathmark and that the police would sent by extra patrols to keep an eye out for the cars. So I guess I will park there today.

My messages on widow support board:

Rich would say to me, "Do you know how much I love you?" I could FEEL it. He
also used to say to me that what he admired most about me was that I was
'strong'--that I wouldn't let anyone step on him or the kids, that I would
fight (advocate) for him and the kids, that I knew my own mind...and then on
the other hand, he'd get annoyed when I was wishy-washy about myself. He'd
tell me that I had no trouble saying what I wanted for Rich or for one of
the kids so why couldn't I speak up for myself? And he'd say I'd let myself
feel guilty too easily.
What did he like about our marriage? I think that we were friends but that
we also were very passionate together. As for dislike...probably he would
have liked more physical togetherness. He was a TVholic and I am a
computerholic. But, he'd always point out, at least we were in the same
room.

The memories I will always cherish: at night, he would lightly stroke my
hair. We'd snuggle together like two spoons and if not that, our legs would
cross or something like that. The last night: I remember sitting on the
floor beside him (he was lying on the sofa, trying to relax) and we talked
softly together. He took my hand and brought my fingers to his lips over and
over and sometimes he'd take the back of my hand and caress his cheek with
it. At the time I thought he was just anxious and needed the reassurance;
now I sometimes wonder if way deep down he knew something was up and he was
saying goodbye--without even knowing it.
*******************

I think of
the bond of love and trust between Rich and me. We were not wealthy
financially but I think emotionally we were. The financial problems and the
other inconveniences (broken down car, whatever) weren't too significant
because we really liked that saying 'don't sweat the small stuff'. The big
stuff was always family, friends, other people.
I was just remembering at the wake that nearly every single person Rich
worked with came and talked to me. They all had a story about something Rich
did to help, something he said that cheered them up, something he did to
make everyone just roll on the floor with laughter, how he lessened the
boredom of fellow employees' bored kids (no babysitters at the last minute)
with his collection of stuffed animals and toys...well, the list goes on and
on. His bosses forwarded copies of emails from clients the company dealt
with that talked about how much they would miss Rich because of his good
humor, his willingness to go the extra mile, and so on.
Abundance. That word makes sense to me today because I think that way of
Rich--he touched and changed my life, the lives of our children and he
touched other people too. And it seems that it was in a good way, and it
feels good.
****************

Rich used to dream about what we'd do when we retired together. Most
recently, he was going to get an RV and we were just going to tool around
the country. He was my best friend, and he died on May 23. My kids are about
the same age as yours, 14, 12, and 9. I focus on them but at the same time,
I know that it is time for them to develop into young adults and eventually
they will grow up and be on their own. I have NO idea what I will do then
either.
I do this one day at a time. And I have practically taken up residence on
this board. It really helps me.
I think that Kasa and Rich know how much we love and miss them.
****************

I thought I would look at the Fourth this way in terms of the kids and Rich
too...
In recent years, he was in a great deal of pain. Sometimes he couldn't come
with us to an event because it hurt too much to walk or he'd get tired (his
heart) and so we'd stopped doing a lot of things.
This year I am taking the children and we are meeting relatives and friends
at Jones Beach to watch the fireworks. When the children were small and Rich
was better, we used to walk to the lakefront (in Maryland) to watch the
fireworks and enjoy the fellowship of others. It's something he enjoyed a
lot in spite of his shyness.
So...when we go to celebrate, we bring Rich with us in our hearts and I want
to believe that his spirit soars there with us--and there is no pain now.
**********************

June 25, 2001
Well sweetheart,

Today is the official first day of the summer holiday for the kids. I left them a short list of things to do and hope they won?t start calling me, fighting. I asked them again about a camp because they?re going to be stuck inside until after 3, and today is a busy day so it?s not like they can go to the pool or anything. I guess we?ll just have to see how it goes.

This afternoon I am going to drop Heidi off to Lori Young?s house (that?s her Cadets leader and mother of Heidi?s friend Jillian). Today is the Girl Scout end of the year party. They?re going to play miniature golf, just like last year, and then go over to Applebee?s for dinner. As for me, I?m going to take Kristin and Billy to the Roseanne and then take everyone over to Applebee?s.

Heidi just called me (here I am at work, not a half hour into the day) and already they are fighting. They would have called you because that was your area. You?d field the calls from the kids, straighten them out and get them to refocus. I hope I did the right thing. Heidi wants to be in charge so that she can ?punish? Kristin. I told her no and I talked to each kid about what I wanted them to do.

If this doesn?t work, I?m going to have to put them into some kind of emergency day care situation. I don?t know how or where, but I can?t have them at each other?s throats in the house all day. This really sucks, Rich. You weren?t supposed to leave me in this predicament and I?m not sure how I?m going to handle it.

I am still numb, I think. The Grief Monster only visited me that one time, last Monday night. So far I have been hanging in but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wrote a letter to the Ehrlers, hoping that we can continue to rent the house after October. I get through the day but I am still feeling very much like an actress in a play or something.

The parking lot is being repaved and for the next few days we have to park out of the parking lot, across the street at Pathmark or down one of the side streets. At any rate, I thought what a hardship it would have been for you with your bad knee and ankles and your heart to have to walk to and from the house. And then I thought, it?s a good thing you?re missing this and then I thought: are you crazy? I know we would have found a way to manage had you lived but you didn?t, so I guess there are some small blessings to be found.

I?ve read posts from widows that never got a chance to say goodbye to their husbands. I am so grateful for that hour we had together, when you held my hand and put it to your lips and we talked. Somehow I think we did get a chance to say goodbye in that we knew how much we loved each other. Another widow I?ve become friendly with, Helen in Rochester, was telling me that incontinence is one of the early signs of impending death and that when you wet yourself that night it meant you were already in the process of dying. I wonder if you knew that on some level. I didn?t think of it until later; all I had to go by was the fact that it happened when you passed out at work. Helen also said that the dying process really is undignified and unpleasant to watch and that it?s no wonder you wanted to spare me that. When we found you, your eyes were closed and you seemed to be asleep. Helen said you had to have been gone at least three hours. That means you died not long after I went up to bed.

Some of the widows say they try to do things to make themselves feel sad and I wondered why. Is it because they?re still in a numbed condition like me and they want to make sure they are real and that they do have feelings? I haven?t cried since last Monday. I go to bed at night and the girls are in the bed so I am not alone. Maybe that?s why I don?t cry. Or maybe it?s still this protective web around me?the one that makes it feel so unreal.

Messages I posted on the widow support board:

Life IS unfair. That's one of the things Rich would say a lot. We would go
with the flow and roll with the punches and stumble through the hard times
and yes, life was unfair a LOT.
You were there for your step-daughter. That counts for a lot. I believe that
there is life after death so I think her father was watching too.
My youngest daughter was in the end-of-year spring concert, playing the
violin in public for the first time. Rich would have tried to go to see her
if he could. I think he was there watching from above.
Sometimes believing it isn't enough though.
**************************

I was talking to a friend tonight. I am still feeling that weird numb
this-is-not-me-or-my-world feeling most of the time. I function okay, I
look, act and talk like me...but it's like I'm waiting to go back to my real
world. There are so many little things in my real world that I miss here...
Rich and I used to drive in to work together. We worked just a mile or two
apart, with a major mall between us. On the way in, we'd listen to Q104 for
the trick logic question of the day to see if we could figure it out...and
Rich was really good at figuring those out! And when I'd drop him off, he'd
always stand and wait for me to pull out and he'd flash the international
sign for "I love you" and I would sign it back to him and I'd hear him call,
"Don't forget the lights!"
That came about because I'd park in this underground garage and when I'd
leave at the end of my day I'd turn the lights on. My work day ended at
2:45; his at 4:30. Sometimes I'd go to that mall and walk but other times
I'd just go to where he worked, park, curl up and nap until he came out.
Once or twice, though, he'd startle me awake because I'd forgotten to turn
off the headlights and someone in the front would see the car and call him
up to tell him.
Sometimes I hear him say it so clearly: "Don't forget to turn out the
lights!"
Other things I miss:
his snoring
his laugh
the way he'd say, "do you know how much I love you?"
his surprises...sometimes flowers, sometimes a candy bar, sometimes an
off-color email card
his smile--he was so handsome when he smiled, his face would just light up,
especially his eyes
snuggling up against him on those rare occasions we wanted to watch the same
TV program
watching him play with one of the kids
listening to him singing to a favorite song--he loved John Fogarty and
Clearance, the Stones, the Beatles, Eric Clapton...
one of the things I miss most of all is his dreams of retirement...what we
were going to do, where we were going to go...
Even with the three kids in my house, it's too damn quiet...
*************
**

June 24, 2001
Sweetheart,

The kids and I visited your grandma for a couple of hours today. I really admire her so much! We walked around the grounds of the ?Old Folks? Home? (as she calls it) and we sat outside in the garden. It was so pleasant out there. She really can cruise along for a 90 year old lady!

I went back to the church again too and was happy to be back among the deaf people. It felt good, almost like home. I wish there were more deaf people in the congregation.

The one pastor was talking about the lack of commitment people have to churches today. They aren?t faithful worshippers or contributors. It made me wonder about how I really feel about God and church. I?m not sure, I?m confused. You?re gone from me. We keep having hard times. Should I be angry with God? I don?t know why I?m not?am I afraid to be? Or does my anger come out by the fact that I didn?t go to church for over 5 years? I felt like we were having so many problems that people just got tired of us. ?Oh no, here comes that Job family again,? I could hear them saying. Or maybe it was that Jonah family.

Your friend Helen wrote to me and said that these things happen to us so that we don?t get ?comfortable? with life here. And I had to laugh. When has our lives been comfortable? We?ve always had financial trouble dogging us, health problems and so on?I guess it?s like you asked, ?when is the better part?? I try to tell myself that I wasn?t bullshitting you?that the better is those fleeting moments between all the ?worse?.

The kids are being difficult again. I prayed to you in church today, did you hear me? I need your help, your backing?I miss you so much. It?s not just in caring for the kids. I just want to be able to talk to you and hold you again.

Anyway, Heidi is cranky and irritable almost all the time, and Kristin is turning rebellious and bratty all of a sudden. I?m guessing this is some of the ?acting out? Roseanne was talking about? I was with Janet C and her two kids at the pool and Heidi was being really bitchy about how I always give ?The Princess? (Kristin) her way. Janet sympathized. She got up to talk to a friend of hers and Heidi took away a toy that belonged to Ian, Janet?s son. Billy was trying to get it back and I was getting annoyed and then Heidi returned it and said something snotty about me. I decided I didn?t have to take any of this so I got up, got my things and left the pool. I guess I shocked everyone?I don?t care. I thought, why should I be treated this way? What crime did I commit?

Well that was Friday, that really sucked.
The car cost almost $1,000 to fix. I paid the funeral home almost $6,000 and by August first I have to pay off the 401K loan, another almost $8,000?I see the money just quickly slipping away. I hope I can manage this correctly. Give me strength, Rich, be with me, help me, I need you!

I am going to write to the E's, our landlords, to ask them if we can stay when the lease is up. I hope and pray they say yes.

On Saturday, I drove Billy to Wantagh for a magic cards tournament. He didn?t win. He went up against Jimmy, our neighbor, and it?s possible Jimmy cheated! I took Heidi and Kristin shopping. Last night we watched Fantasia 2000.

I had a feeling you were trying to communicate with that get well balloon I got for you. Were you? It bent down every now and then and blew into my face. I?d kiss the smiling face of the sun and say, ?Hi, Rich!? Heidi gave me a really funny look and said, ?Ohhhhhkay, Mom.? I noticed that when Kristin came to use the computer, though, she kissed the balloon, too.

I love you baby. On the Widownet board, people are trying to think up names for the Grief Monster, the one that grabs you by the throat when you least expect it. I tried to think of a name and I couldn?t remember any special names you had for anything.

And I?m trying to decide if the Grief Monster is a good thing or a bad thing. It would be the pain that hits when I realize that you are gone. It?s reality, really?and what would I call that?
I?ll always love you. I still have trouble believing that you?re really gone?
All my love, Me

Posts from Widow Support Board:

posted 06-24-2001 07:54 PM

I am wearing Rich's:
wedding ring on his silver chain around my neck;
his tee shirts to bed at night;
his socks whenever possible;
his shirts around the house.
I still have the mylar "Get Well" balloon I bought for Rich when he was
hospitalized with atrial fibrillation in April. They wouldn't let him have
it in CCU or on the cardiac floor so I brought it home and tied it to the
back of our picture. He seemed to like it when he came home from being in
the hospital. That balloon outlasted Rich. I still have it, it's still tied
to our picture.
I have Rich's:
pens
sticky note pads
notes to himself in his handwriting (tracked down his two best friends this
way)
his disks from work
all his stuffed animals and toys
scrapbook from his trip across the country when he was about 7
his babybook
almost all his shirts, shaving gear and after shave...
I wouldn't get rid of any of it, not now. I take the after shave and
sprinkle it over the bed and over the bear he won for me in the Poconos.
I am looking for his book of poetry. He used to write poetry before he met
me. Once I asked, "Why don't you write now?" and he said, "Because I'm not
depressed anymore." He wrote me two poems though. One is so private it's
just for us; the other I put on our website.
Sometimes I take the ring that is on the chain and if I'm watching a movie
or thinking about him I put the ring over my own wedding band. The chain is
so long the ring reaches easily.
He never took the ring off, not from the day we married. Even though I knew
he died at home it became "real" when the nurse gave me his ring in the
hospital.
What I couldn't keep: the boca-burgers. I'm not sure why. I got upset when I
saw them. He'd been trying so hard...and doing so well, it just didn't seem
fair. I couldn't throw them out. I gave them to someone who doesn't eat
meat.
**************************

posted 06-23-2001 09:40 PM

It's only been 4-1/2 weeks since Rich died so maybe it's too soon to answer but here goes...
1. I have not moved. I don't want to mostly because of the support available to my kids and to me in this district but also because all my memories of Rich are here.
2. I am renting the house. Hope the landlord will continue to rent to us.
3. I didn't replace anything in the bedroom.
4. I haven't gotten a new car yet but I probably will mostly because our car is on its last wheel rim.
5. I got a hair cut today but it's cut the same style I've worn, short short short. That's how I like it especially in the summer.
6. Haven't changed my job either and don't intend to.
7. I still have contact with his grandmother and his aunt. His sister called me once. Rich's brother was never close so I haven't called him and I was talking to Alberta, his dad's second wife the other day.
8. I was already taking medication for panic attack disorder, which I've had since I was 17.
9. My kids and I are in therapy
10. Do I feel my life was altered? YES
*******************


Sandy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am 46, too, and I lost my love Rich on May 23. I still feel numb and a sense of disbelief. I was hit with an all-over gut wrenching pain recently as I realized that this was NOT a dream, not a movie, this is real (well, I mean, I've known it all along but it just didn't *feel* real). I am glad that you found this board. The people here are wonderful, very supportive, and they listen.
I've been practically living on this board since I found it. Every time I come online, I come here first.
**********************
posted 06-22-2001 09:45 AM

{{{{{{Shelby}}}}}
I'm sorry about the auction and that you have to move.I have three children. They are what keeps me going. I don't know that I would be in any kind of shape to cope at all if it wasn't for thinking of the kids and needing to make sure they're taken care of. Maybe I would have found something else but I don't know that. All I know is that I get up and go to work and I go on because it's what Rich would have wanted and because the kids need me.The other night I was really hurting and there was nothing anyone could say or do for me to feel better. I just wanted Rich back.
A friend called me and said "I wish there was something I could do" and I'd like to say the same thing...but what I said to my friend was, "There's nothing you can do right now. I just have to be with this pain."
I'm really sorry, Shelby.
********************

I am really glad that I found this board. It's only been 4 weeks but I can sense that people feel uncomfortable if I talk about Rich. So I don't. I keep a journal where I write letters to him but I want to be able to talk about him and share how I feel and I feel like I can do that here.
************************

I don't think you are being selfish to take care of your own needs. Rich and I came to that conclusion after he had surgery and then when his health started to fail. We realized that there was no way to keep up with family visits and so on. We did the best we could which was sometimes not more than mailing an e-card. And we looked out for each other and made sure our needs were met first as much as possible.
Two things I learned--I cannot give to other people if I don't give to myself (it's sort of a variation of love your neighbors...how could I love someone if I didn't love
myself first?) and like in the Rick Nelson song:
You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
I think everyone else who posted is right on, too.
********************

Hi Linda,
People tell me tears heal. I've cried a lot but I have a feeling that it hasn't "hit" yet. I figure that when I start crying I'm just going to go with it, hoping that it will help.About taking medication, I have panic attack disorder and so I have been on medication for a long time. I only wondered one thing about the meds and that is I heard it interferes with your dreams. This is the kind of nutty things I think, I thought, if the medicine keeps me from dreaming, how will Rich visit me?
Linda, I kind of went into left field...the only other thing I can think is to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. That was the other thing a friend told me who lost her husband about 8 months ago. She said to me, you'll cry until you think you have nothing left inside and then you'll still cry. But it's normal.