Message board post
June 28, 2001

My husband died rather unexpectedly at home sometime after 1:30 a.m. on May 23rd. My kids have various issues and some are just beginning to surface.
My son came downstairs and found my husband on the floor. He screamed for me. I thought that Rich might have fainted from an episode of a-fib but realized that was not the case as soon as I saw him. I had my son call 911 and then quickly take his sisters across the street to a neighbor. My son later told me he knew that his father was already gone but still, he asked me if I knew CPR and if the paramedics could save Rich. The kids all cried hard when I came back from the hospital and told them their father died.
Heidi had an argument with Rich the night before, just before the episode with a-fib began. The kids were all fighting and Rich had them go to bed early so they were all angry with him...and when they woke up, he was gone. So that piece of it has been hard for them. Heidi blamed herself and the counselor and I told her that she did not cause the a-fib (she didn't--Rich apparently just was a lot sicker than we realized) but I don't know if she believes it. She's having a lot of explosions of rage.
The youngest is begining to act out, tantrums, anger, stuff like that.
We are all in counseling and I signed the kids up for an 8 week bereavement group. This was a hoot. The kids had to answer a quesstion, why do you want to come to this group? They ALL said: "My mother is making me."

------------------
I was handling things okay, I thought, and then school let out. I've been
trying to figure out where is the widows w/children board? I tried to sign
up for the list but have not been approved.
We couldn't afford to register the kids for camp and even now, based on DSS
criteria I don't qualify for aid so my son was confident that at 14 he and
his two sister 12 and 9 could manage. Well day 2 and I am home, had to leave
work early because one locked the other in the bathroom, one tried to gauge
another with her nails and the little one took refuge under her bed.
I got applications for the girls to go to daycare camp and am just waiting
for the doctor's paperwork. Meanwhile, though, I am SO angry I think *I* may
be dangerous. I am furious with Rich (WHY did he leave me? He was always
saying to me, don't you leave me with these kids and now he did it to me!)
and I'm angry with the kids. I can understand if this was a matter of
missing dad but you know what? It's just the SOSDD stuff that brought us to
counseling last year. The middle kid hates her sister and has never forgiven
us for having her. Doesn't matter that we take Heidi out for lunch, spend
extra time with her and so on. The therapist at the time was working with
Heidi on a "better" way to manage her anger and hostility.
I left work to come home and make sure that no one got hurt and I'm shaking
all over. I feel like such a rotten mother. This is really going to set us
way back financially and I really resent it that the two older kids can't
even control themselves for part of the day...Iget home at 3.
When the girls do go to daycare though, I'm not picking them up at 3, no
way. I'll pick them up at FIVE and I won't feel guilty about it either.
Sorry to be so explosive,
**************************





June 28, 2001

Hi sweetie,

Yesterday was one of those days when I was really pissed that I have been left alone here to deal with the kids. I don?t know if I was more pissed at you, at God, or at bad luck. They called me twice over the stupidest, pettiest things?fighting over the computer and because one is being bossy to another?Kristin is upset because both Billy and Heidi are mean to her. I really got mad and got paper work to put them in a camp. But we don?t qualify for social service assistance and one kid for eight weeks is over a thousand dollars. I don?t know if I could handle that what with having to pay the IRS AND the 401K and so on. So we made up a schedule of what time each kid would use the computer and the TV and I told the kids to stick to it! We?ll see if it works. If not, I?m going to have to bite the bullet and find a place for them to go.

The dentist worked on my tooth a little more today. Next time he?s just going to x ray while we wait to find out what the insurance company will pay for. The parking lot was finished but it was so hot yesterday that we all had to park ?..

June 27, 2001
I can?t find my watch; you didn?t hide it on me, did you? I hope I didn?t lose it at the pool. I remember bringing it along when we went and I wonder if I dropped it on the way back. Today it?s been five weeks, Rich. I?m still full of Novocain or something. I don?t feel anything very much but people tell me that it?s normal. I still have this irritable ?this is not the way it was supposed to happen? feeling sometimes.

The men are still paving the lot. If there?s one thing to be glad for it?s that you are spared this aggravation. If you?d lived I would drive through the cones to be able to drop you off close to the house because they haven?t even put the new top down by us. I think they will today and this afternoon the stuff might still be damp and wet so I don?t know. At least you don?t have to walk. You were in so much pain most of the time.

I was talking to Connie last night, my friend in New Jersey. When you were in the hospital last month, she was emailing a friend named Karen who asked what exactly was going on with you. Connie explained all the problems you were having and Karen wondered if you?d even be around in five years. I look back on the last year or so and I can see so many signs. That?s why I was so worried about you and wanted you to take better care of yourself. I didn?t want this.

Heidi is watching Ashley for the first time today. I have to have more work done on a root canal and I?m hoping that I will be back in time to help her meet Ashley or walk her back to their home. I think Heidi will be okay. Heidi and I still clash but I think we?re getting on better than we did before. I asked the girls if they felt like all this was a dream. Heidi put her head down a little and nodded ?yes? and Kristin said one time she came down the stairs and thought she heard you snoring but was disappointed to find out you weren?t there.

I often wish for communication from you?anything. The last time I felt you were communicating was when the balloon came into my face. I?ve asked you to come to me in my dreams and maybe you do. I can?t remember my dreams. I?ve asked to remember them. I want to remember. My friend Helen in Rochester said she was going to send me a book by John Edward that explains how to become more open and receptive to ADCs.

I also haven?t heard from Helen since she wrote to warn me away from The Bereavement Journey. I thought she had some nerve doing that. If she doesn?t write again it?s okay with me because I don?t like being preached to. I also don?t like her comments about your friends Bob and Marlon and whether they are ?saved?. She tells me she asked you, ?Are you saved?? and you answered, ?I hope so.?
I wish she hadn?t done that to you and I wonder if that?s what got you started wanting to go to church. Sweetie, my belief is that if we accept Jesus as our lord and Savior then we are saved. And while I might quietly talk about how I feel to someone I certainly am not going to go out and twist anyone?s arm to go to church and I?m not going to try and talk anyone into converting from Judaism to Christianity.

Current events: one day recently a mother in Houston, Texas drowned her five children?all of them. She seems to have been suffering from post-partum depression and maybe she is even pregnant again. She had four boys 2 to 7, and a six month old baby girl, Mary. She and her husband have a lot of Christian things around the house. Maybe they were born-again? I don?t know?I thought maybe they were Mormons and that?s why they kept having kids even though the mother had a really bad case of post partum depression after her fourth son was born. She was on Haldol and she tried to commit suicide.
It?s horrible the way things happened here. She drowned the three younger boys and then went for the baby. The oldest caught her at it and tried to run away but she caught him, struggled with him and drowned him too. Then she called the police and then she called her husband and told him he?d better come home.

Rich what an awful thing and on some level I think I could understand what she must have been feeling to be all alone in the house with five small children and no support. Her mother said she was always trying to help everyone else. Well, didn?t it occur to anyone to help HER? The police said when the father came home he became hysterical and yelled at her, ?How could you do this?? Well, where was he when she was falling apart? And apparently there were signs she was deteriorating, especially after her father died.

The police asked him if he?d like a drink of water and he replied I?ll bet you can?t find a clean glass in the house. They looked hard and almost didn?t until the mother directed them to a china closet. Then she was handcuffed and taken away. I wonder why she was taken off the haldol she was on? She must have been very mentally ill. I feel sorry for her and even sorrier that those poor children died the way they did, at the hands of a loving mother. You might disagree with me on this one, or maybe you won?t, but I don?t think this mother should be held criminally responsible. It?s pretty clear to me that she was insane.

I wonder what you would have thought. We talked about things and we disagreed and I think we had trouble talking about our differences of opinion because we tried too hard to convince each other that we were right. We had some royal disagreements and that was unnecessary too. All we needed to do after a certain point was just say, ?let?s agree to disagree??

June 26, 2001
Hi baby,

A new friend I met online, another widow named Helen, called me last night from Rochester. I think she?s lonely because she was telling me that she doesn?t have any other friends that she can relate to. She says she?s difficult to get to know and tends to speak her mind. Does this sound familiar?

Anyway she?s having a rough time because it?s been six months since her husband died and apparently people (particularly her sons) expect her to ?get over it?. She says she never hears from her husband?s relatives anymore and she used to be really close to them. She?s the one whose husband died of cancer at home and she told him to go to the light and she stayed with him until he died. Then she says she fell asleep next to him until the nurse came to pronounce him.

We talked for over an hour. It turns out that she watched Dark Shadows too and remembered the parallel time room because I told her I still feel as if I?m in this other room and just playing a part until we ?flip? back to real time, and that?s where you?ll be. After Helen and I got off the phone, I talked to Billy a little about it. He says that what I?m feeling is denial (ya think??) and I told him yes, I agree and that it?s normal. It?s my body?s way of shielding itself from the pain until I?m more ready to cope with it.

On the widows? message board someone started a naming contest for the Grief Monster, who comes without warning to catch you by the throat. After doing a lot of thinking I decided to call mine Dr.MoeDr.LarryDr.Curly. I thought you?d like that. I know you liked the stooges, particularly Curly. It seemed like this monster can be mean like Moe, poking at the eyes and punching in the stomach but it could also be befuddled, like Larry, and it could be just dingy like Curly. The other thing about Curly is that he would stand up to Moe, even if it was ineffectually. And I know how much you liked Curly?you did a great impression of him!

Yesterday I spent too much money at Applebee?s for dinner. I have to watch it! Billy and Kristin ordered full meals and desserts and it ended up costing us $80. I can?t do that kind of extravagant stuff anymore. Heidi?s meal was paid for by her Girl Scout troop. They also collected some money for me, which was very nice.

I just sat with Billy and Kristin during the dinner and waited for Heidi to finish. I guess I could have sat with the other mothers but I just didn?t feel like it.

I had to park on another street and then Ashley?s grandmother told me that the neighbors on that street aren?t very nice and they have a tendency to call the police and try to have the extra cars towed. That annoyed me. It?s a public street! Anyway, Marilyn (the grandma) told me that we could park in Pathmark and that the police would sent by extra patrols to keep an eye out for the cars. So I guess I will park there today.

My messages on widow support board:

Rich would say to me, "Do you know how much I love you?" I could FEEL it. He
also used to say to me that what he admired most about me was that I was
'strong'--that I wouldn't let anyone step on him or the kids, that I would
fight (advocate) for him and the kids, that I knew my own mind...and then on
the other hand, he'd get annoyed when I was wishy-washy about myself. He'd
tell me that I had no trouble saying what I wanted for Rich or for one of
the kids so why couldn't I speak up for myself? And he'd say I'd let myself
feel guilty too easily.
What did he like about our marriage? I think that we were friends but that
we also were very passionate together. As for dislike...probably he would
have liked more physical togetherness. He was a TVholic and I am a
computerholic. But, he'd always point out, at least we were in the same
room.

The memories I will always cherish: at night, he would lightly stroke my
hair. We'd snuggle together like two spoons and if not that, our legs would
cross or something like that. The last night: I remember sitting on the
floor beside him (he was lying on the sofa, trying to relax) and we talked
softly together. He took my hand and brought my fingers to his lips over and
over and sometimes he'd take the back of my hand and caress his cheek with
it. At the time I thought he was just anxious and needed the reassurance;
now I sometimes wonder if way deep down he knew something was up and he was
saying goodbye--without even knowing it.
*******************

I think of
the bond of love and trust between Rich and me. We were not wealthy
financially but I think emotionally we were. The financial problems and the
other inconveniences (broken down car, whatever) weren't too significant
because we really liked that saying 'don't sweat the small stuff'. The big
stuff was always family, friends, other people.
I was just remembering at the wake that nearly every single person Rich
worked with came and talked to me. They all had a story about something Rich
did to help, something he said that cheered them up, something he did to
make everyone just roll on the floor with laughter, how he lessened the
boredom of fellow employees' bored kids (no babysitters at the last minute)
with his collection of stuffed animals and toys...well, the list goes on and
on. His bosses forwarded copies of emails from clients the company dealt
with that talked about how much they would miss Rich because of his good
humor, his willingness to go the extra mile, and so on.
Abundance. That word makes sense to me today because I think that way of
Rich--he touched and changed my life, the lives of our children and he
touched other people too. And it seems that it was in a good way, and it
feels good.
****************

Rich used to dream about what we'd do when we retired together. Most
recently, he was going to get an RV and we were just going to tool around
the country. He was my best friend, and he died on May 23. My kids are about
the same age as yours, 14, 12, and 9. I focus on them but at the same time,
I know that it is time for them to develop into young adults and eventually
they will grow up and be on their own. I have NO idea what I will do then
either.
I do this one day at a time. And I have practically taken up residence on
this board. It really helps me.
I think that Kasa and Rich know how much we love and miss them.
****************

I thought I would look at the Fourth this way in terms of the kids and Rich
too...
In recent years, he was in a great deal of pain. Sometimes he couldn't come
with us to an event because it hurt too much to walk or he'd get tired (his
heart) and so we'd stopped doing a lot of things.
This year I am taking the children and we are meeting relatives and friends
at Jones Beach to watch the fireworks. When the children were small and Rich
was better, we used to walk to the lakefront (in Maryland) to watch the
fireworks and enjoy the fellowship of others. It's something he enjoyed a
lot in spite of his shyness.
So...when we go to celebrate, we bring Rich with us in our hearts and I want
to believe that his spirit soars there with us--and there is no pain now.
**********************

June 25, 2001
Well sweetheart,

Today is the official first day of the summer holiday for the kids. I left them a short list of things to do and hope they won?t start calling me, fighting. I asked them again about a camp because they?re going to be stuck inside until after 3, and today is a busy day so it?s not like they can go to the pool or anything. I guess we?ll just have to see how it goes.

This afternoon I am going to drop Heidi off to Lori Young?s house (that?s her Cadets leader and mother of Heidi?s friend Jillian). Today is the Girl Scout end of the year party. They?re going to play miniature golf, just like last year, and then go over to Applebee?s for dinner. As for me, I?m going to take Kristin and Billy to the Roseanne and then take everyone over to Applebee?s.

Heidi just called me (here I am at work, not a half hour into the day) and already they are fighting. They would have called you because that was your area. You?d field the calls from the kids, straighten them out and get them to refocus. I hope I did the right thing. Heidi wants to be in charge so that she can ?punish? Kristin. I told her no and I talked to each kid about what I wanted them to do.

If this doesn?t work, I?m going to have to put them into some kind of emergency day care situation. I don?t know how or where, but I can?t have them at each other?s throats in the house all day. This really sucks, Rich. You weren?t supposed to leave me in this predicament and I?m not sure how I?m going to handle it.

I am still numb, I think. The Grief Monster only visited me that one time, last Monday night. So far I have been hanging in but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wrote a letter to the Ehrlers, hoping that we can continue to rent the house after October. I get through the day but I am still feeling very much like an actress in a play or something.

The parking lot is being repaved and for the next few days we have to park out of the parking lot, across the street at Pathmark or down one of the side streets. At any rate, I thought what a hardship it would have been for you with your bad knee and ankles and your heart to have to walk to and from the house. And then I thought, it?s a good thing you?re missing this and then I thought: are you crazy? I know we would have found a way to manage had you lived but you didn?t, so I guess there are some small blessings to be found.

I?ve read posts from widows that never got a chance to say goodbye to their husbands. I am so grateful for that hour we had together, when you held my hand and put it to your lips and we talked. Somehow I think we did get a chance to say goodbye in that we knew how much we loved each other. Another widow I?ve become friendly with, Helen in Rochester, was telling me that incontinence is one of the early signs of impending death and that when you wet yourself that night it meant you were already in the process of dying. I wonder if you knew that on some level. I didn?t think of it until later; all I had to go by was the fact that it happened when you passed out at work. Helen also said that the dying process really is undignified and unpleasant to watch and that it?s no wonder you wanted to spare me that. When we found you, your eyes were closed and you seemed to be asleep. Helen said you had to have been gone at least three hours. That means you died not long after I went up to bed.

Some of the widows say they try to do things to make themselves feel sad and I wondered why. Is it because they?re still in a numbed condition like me and they want to make sure they are real and that they do have feelings? I haven?t cried since last Monday. I go to bed at night and the girls are in the bed so I am not alone. Maybe that?s why I don?t cry. Or maybe it?s still this protective web around me?the one that makes it feel so unreal.

Messages I posted on the widow support board:

Life IS unfair. That's one of the things Rich would say a lot. We would go
with the flow and roll with the punches and stumble through the hard times
and yes, life was unfair a LOT.
You were there for your step-daughter. That counts for a lot. I believe that
there is life after death so I think her father was watching too.
My youngest daughter was in the end-of-year spring concert, playing the
violin in public for the first time. Rich would have tried to go to see her
if he could. I think he was there watching from above.
Sometimes believing it isn't enough though.
**************************

I was talking to a friend tonight. I am still feeling that weird numb
this-is-not-me-or-my-world feeling most of the time. I function okay, I
look, act and talk like me...but it's like I'm waiting to go back to my real
world. There are so many little things in my real world that I miss here...
Rich and I used to drive in to work together. We worked just a mile or two
apart, with a major mall between us. On the way in, we'd listen to Q104 for
the trick logic question of the day to see if we could figure it out...and
Rich was really good at figuring those out! And when I'd drop him off, he'd
always stand and wait for me to pull out and he'd flash the international
sign for "I love you" and I would sign it back to him and I'd hear him call,
"Don't forget the lights!"
That came about because I'd park in this underground garage and when I'd
leave at the end of my day I'd turn the lights on. My work day ended at
2:45; his at 4:30. Sometimes I'd go to that mall and walk but other times
I'd just go to where he worked, park, curl up and nap until he came out.
Once or twice, though, he'd startle me awake because I'd forgotten to turn
off the headlights and someone in the front would see the car and call him
up to tell him.
Sometimes I hear him say it so clearly: "Don't forget to turn out the
lights!"
Other things I miss:
his snoring
his laugh
the way he'd say, "do you know how much I love you?"
his surprises...sometimes flowers, sometimes a candy bar, sometimes an
off-color email card
his smile--he was so handsome when he smiled, his face would just light up,
especially his eyes
snuggling up against him on those rare occasions we wanted to watch the same
TV program
watching him play with one of the kids
listening to him singing to a favorite song--he loved John Fogarty and
Clearance, the Stones, the Beatles, Eric Clapton...
one of the things I miss most of all is his dreams of retirement...what we
were going to do, where we were going to go...
Even with the three kids in my house, it's too damn quiet...
*************
**

June 24, 2001
Sweetheart,

The kids and I visited your grandma for a couple of hours today. I really admire her so much! We walked around the grounds of the ?Old Folks? Home? (as she calls it) and we sat outside in the garden. It was so pleasant out there. She really can cruise along for a 90 year old lady!

I went back to the church again too and was happy to be back among the deaf people. It felt good, almost like home. I wish there were more deaf people in the congregation.

The one pastor was talking about the lack of commitment people have to churches today. They aren?t faithful worshippers or contributors. It made me wonder about how I really feel about God and church. I?m not sure, I?m confused. You?re gone from me. We keep having hard times. Should I be angry with God? I don?t know why I?m not?am I afraid to be? Or does my anger come out by the fact that I didn?t go to church for over 5 years? I felt like we were having so many problems that people just got tired of us. ?Oh no, here comes that Job family again,? I could hear them saying. Or maybe it was that Jonah family.

Your friend Helen wrote to me and said that these things happen to us so that we don?t get ?comfortable? with life here. And I had to laugh. When has our lives been comfortable? We?ve always had financial trouble dogging us, health problems and so on?I guess it?s like you asked, ?when is the better part?? I try to tell myself that I wasn?t bullshitting you?that the better is those fleeting moments between all the ?worse?.

The kids are being difficult again. I prayed to you in church today, did you hear me? I need your help, your backing?I miss you so much. It?s not just in caring for the kids. I just want to be able to talk to you and hold you again.

Anyway, Heidi is cranky and irritable almost all the time, and Kristin is turning rebellious and bratty all of a sudden. I?m guessing this is some of the ?acting out? Roseanne was talking about? I was with Janet C and her two kids at the pool and Heidi was being really bitchy about how I always give ?The Princess? (Kristin) her way. Janet sympathized. She got up to talk to a friend of hers and Heidi took away a toy that belonged to Ian, Janet?s son. Billy was trying to get it back and I was getting annoyed and then Heidi returned it and said something snotty about me. I decided I didn?t have to take any of this so I got up, got my things and left the pool. I guess I shocked everyone?I don?t care. I thought, why should I be treated this way? What crime did I commit?

Well that was Friday, that really sucked.
The car cost almost $1,000 to fix. I paid the funeral home almost $6,000 and by August first I have to pay off the 401K loan, another almost $8,000?I see the money just quickly slipping away. I hope I can manage this correctly. Give me strength, Rich, be with me, help me, I need you!

I am going to write to the E's, our landlords, to ask them if we can stay when the lease is up. I hope and pray they say yes.

On Saturday, I drove Billy to Wantagh for a magic cards tournament. He didn?t win. He went up against Jimmy, our neighbor, and it?s possible Jimmy cheated! I took Heidi and Kristin shopping. Last night we watched Fantasia 2000.

I had a feeling you were trying to communicate with that get well balloon I got for you. Were you? It bent down every now and then and blew into my face. I?d kiss the smiling face of the sun and say, ?Hi, Rich!? Heidi gave me a really funny look and said, ?Ohhhhhkay, Mom.? I noticed that when Kristin came to use the computer, though, she kissed the balloon, too.

I love you baby. On the Widownet board, people are trying to think up names for the Grief Monster, the one that grabs you by the throat when you least expect it. I tried to think of a name and I couldn?t remember any special names you had for anything.

And I?m trying to decide if the Grief Monster is a good thing or a bad thing. It would be the pain that hits when I realize that you are gone. It?s reality, really?and what would I call that?
I?ll always love you. I still have trouble believing that you?re really gone?
All my love, Me

Posts from Widow Support Board:

posted 06-24-2001 07:54 PM

I am wearing Rich's:
wedding ring on his silver chain around my neck;
his tee shirts to bed at night;
his socks whenever possible;
his shirts around the house.
I still have the mylar "Get Well" balloon I bought for Rich when he was
hospitalized with atrial fibrillation in April. They wouldn't let him have
it in CCU or on the cardiac floor so I brought it home and tied it to the
back of our picture. He seemed to like it when he came home from being in
the hospital. That balloon outlasted Rich. I still have it, it's still tied
to our picture.
I have Rich's:
pens
sticky note pads
notes to himself in his handwriting (tracked down his two best friends this
way)
his disks from work
all his stuffed animals and toys
scrapbook from his trip across the country when he was about 7
his babybook
almost all his shirts, shaving gear and after shave...
I wouldn't get rid of any of it, not now. I take the after shave and
sprinkle it over the bed and over the bear he won for me in the Poconos.
I am looking for his book of poetry. He used to write poetry before he met
me. Once I asked, "Why don't you write now?" and he said, "Because I'm not
depressed anymore." He wrote me two poems though. One is so private it's
just for us; the other I put on our website.
Sometimes I take the ring that is on the chain and if I'm watching a movie
or thinking about him I put the ring over my own wedding band. The chain is
so long the ring reaches easily.
He never took the ring off, not from the day we married. Even though I knew
he died at home it became "real" when the nurse gave me his ring in the
hospital.
What I couldn't keep: the boca-burgers. I'm not sure why. I got upset when I
saw them. He'd been trying so hard...and doing so well, it just didn't seem
fair. I couldn't throw them out. I gave them to someone who doesn't eat
meat.
**************************

posted 06-23-2001 09:40 PM

It's only been 4-1/2 weeks since Rich died so maybe it's too soon to answer but here goes...
1. I have not moved. I don't want to mostly because of the support available to my kids and to me in this district but also because all my memories of Rich are here.
2. I am renting the house. Hope the landlord will continue to rent to us.
3. I didn't replace anything in the bedroom.
4. I haven't gotten a new car yet but I probably will mostly because our car is on its last wheel rim.
5. I got a hair cut today but it's cut the same style I've worn, short short short. That's how I like it especially in the summer.
6. Haven't changed my job either and don't intend to.
7. I still have contact with his grandmother and his aunt. His sister called me once. Rich's brother was never close so I haven't called him and I was talking to Alberta, his dad's second wife the other day.
8. I was already taking medication for panic attack disorder, which I've had since I was 17.
9. My kids and I are in therapy
10. Do I feel my life was altered? YES
*******************


Sandy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am 46, too, and I lost my love Rich on May 23. I still feel numb and a sense of disbelief. I was hit with an all-over gut wrenching pain recently as I realized that this was NOT a dream, not a movie, this is real (well, I mean, I've known it all along but it just didn't *feel* real). I am glad that you found this board. The people here are wonderful, very supportive, and they listen.
I've been practically living on this board since I found it. Every time I come online, I come here first.
**********************
posted 06-22-2001 09:45 AM

{{{{{{Shelby}}}}}
I'm sorry about the auction and that you have to move.I have three children. They are what keeps me going. I don't know that I would be in any kind of shape to cope at all if it wasn't for thinking of the kids and needing to make sure they're taken care of. Maybe I would have found something else but I don't know that. All I know is that I get up and go to work and I go on because it's what Rich would have wanted and because the kids need me.The other night I was really hurting and there was nothing anyone could say or do for me to feel better. I just wanted Rich back.
A friend called me and said "I wish there was something I could do" and I'd like to say the same thing...but what I said to my friend was, "There's nothing you can do right now. I just have to be with this pain."
I'm really sorry, Shelby.
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I am really glad that I found this board. It's only been 4 weeks but I can sense that people feel uncomfortable if I talk about Rich. So I don't. I keep a journal where I write letters to him but I want to be able to talk about him and share how I feel and I feel like I can do that here.
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I don't think you are being selfish to take care of your own needs. Rich and I came to that conclusion after he had surgery and then when his health started to fail. We realized that there was no way to keep up with family visits and so on. We did the best we could which was sometimes not more than mailing an e-card. And we looked out for each other and made sure our needs were met first as much as possible.
Two things I learned--I cannot give to other people if I don't give to myself (it's sort of a variation of love your neighbors...how could I love someone if I didn't love
myself first?) and like in the Rick Nelson song:
You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
I think everyone else who posted is right on, too.
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Hi Linda,
People tell me tears heal. I've cried a lot but I have a feeling that it hasn't "hit" yet. I figure that when I start crying I'm just going to go with it, hoping that it will help.About taking medication, I have panic attack disorder and so I have been on medication for a long time. I only wondered one thing about the meds and that is I heard it interferes with your dreams. This is the kind of nutty things I think, I thought, if the medicine keeps me from dreaming, how will Rich visit me?
Linda, I kind of went into left field...the only other thing I can think is to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. That was the other thing a friend told me who lost her husband about 8 months ago. She said to me, you'll cry until you think you have nothing left inside and then you'll still cry. But it's normal.

June 21, 2001
Sometimes I'll throw in a post I wrote on a bereavement support group message board. This one, I think, is my first:

Not long after Rich died I said to friends, "I wish Whoopi Goldberg would come knocking at my door". I had so many questions, so many things I felt guilty about and worried about with Rich. A few days later, I got a letter from an acquaintance who mentioned that she channels and does after death communications. She offered to do a session with me--free. Rich and I watched Jonathan Edward and we were really impressed. I had a funny feeling, wondered if Rich had heard me somehow...anyway, I called the acquaintance and said yes, I wanted to do a session.
It was a little weird at first. I wasn't sure if she was saying things to be comforting to me...but there were things she knew about Rich that she wouldn't have known otherwise.

I was comforted by the fact that Rich wanted me to go on to bed because although he wasn't aware at the time anything was going to happen, he did not want me to watch him die and he said there was nothing that anyone could have done to save him. That is what the doctor said. Rich said he wanted to be found as if he was sleeping--and he did look like he was sleeping. He didn't look afraid or like he was in pain and said that there was no pain, it was very fast.

That was comforting. I was going to try again when I was less emotional. The channeler said that Rich was very much still earthbound, torn between wanting to stay with us and being free to move on.

Rich said that the love and the space where he is now is unimaginably vast and that he loves me and the children, is with us a lot and watches us sleep.
I said I wished I could feel him more. Since then, the picture of us has backflipped off my desk several times, his "get well" balloon has flown into my face, and the scanner turned itself on--and it was his picture that came up.

I do believe he is with us. I just wish I could hold his hand and talk to him...




June 20, 2001
It?s been four weeks, Rich. It?s hard to believe that it?s been that long?or that short, or whatever. It seems like forever now. I still have flashback images that are a little blurred now, back to Billy calling, ?Mom, oh no! I can?t wake Dad!? and then seeing you on the floor and just KNOWING instinctively that you were gone. I hoped I would feel you somehow last night or today but maybe I?m just not in tune for it to happen. I am glad for the memories I have of you, they are very good ones. I still miss you very much.

I looked at the two health care packages and one of them is more expensive than the other, but it?s got all the doctors I?m seeing/will see in it. The other one only has Dr. Geri and I guess I could live with it. It?s just more convenient to go with the bigger package and it would still save us about $400 a month. I am going to see if I can?t pick up the dental coverage COBRA because I wouldn?t be able to get it privately.

Today is the last day of school for the kids?well, for Billy and Heidi anyway. I shut the air conditioning off but it might be really hot now so I was going to call and tell them how to turn it back on. It?s still kind of comfortable outside, Billy says.

I really lost it on one of the lists last night. I was so upset about being alone and you not being there and felt overwhelmed with the posts on this one list and so I unsubbed. Dawn called but I couldn?t talk to her, I was crying too hard. I just told her that it wasn?t her fault I was unsubbing and that there was nothing she could do to help. There really wasn?t anything. The only thing that would have helped is to have you back and that?s just not going to happen.

Why did this happen now? I really just don?t get it. You were doing so much better, you were watching your weight, and you seemed happier (although you were stressed with the kids that night) and wanted to be more active and involved in things. Why? It really was the furthest thing from my mind, and I just think to myself when you woke in the middle of the night with your heart racing and you?d accidentally wet yourself and felt dizzy I think WHY DIDN?T YOU CALL THE DOCTOR? I almost feel as if I killed you, that it was my fault, I should have known better.

If we?d gone to the hospital or the emergency room, they might not have had to use the cardioversion machine. Maybe they could have gotten your heart back under control with just the medication. I feel like I neglected you somehow and I know that through this after death communication S did that you said there was no blame it would have happened anyway, I can?t help but think: is she just saying that to make me feel better?

P.S. Sweetie, I had such a hard time at the pool and then again this evening. I had no idea that a memory could hurt so damn much. I took Kristin to the pool for a dip and it was fine at first. I got out of the pool and sat down and looked at the deep end and then it hit me. Last summer, we?d come to the pool and float around the deep end with those spaghetti floats. It was so relaxing. We?d link ankles and just float around, or one of us would tow the other. I would go into your arms and we?d kiss and neck like a couple of silly teenagers. And today?you weren?t there, and it hurt. I began to cry, silent tears streaming down my face. Luckily I was wearing dark glasses and water was dripping from me so people didn?t know although Kristin knew. She came over and gave me a hug but didn?t seem to know what to do. She wanted to be with her friends.
And that?s how it was with the kids. All three of them went out, it?s good, they should do that?but I was alone with the memories. And I thought, my God, in the other days, if all the kids had gone out like that you and I would run up to the bed room to make the most of the opportunity. But you weren?t here, and I was all alone. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I thought my heart would stop or I?d have a heart attack or something, I?d just break apart. But I didn?t. I put your ring on my finger and tried to feel you. All I felt was pain and more pain. I just wish I could feel you, touch you, and talk to you?anything. I miss you, my love, so very much.

June 19, 2001
Hi sweetie,

All that worrying about the test results was for nothing! I am really annoyed with Carol, the PA at Dr. Geri?s office. She was the one that told me the test results were abnormal and needed to be further investigated; that I needed a biopsy and blah blah blah.

I showed up to see Dr. Linder after work yesterday and he did a complete physical exam, but not a pap. We had to call to get the test results faxed to his office and meantime, I told him what Carol said about how she could read the results to me but I probably wouldn?t understand them. When the test results came, the test just said ?atypical squamous cells, non-reactive? and Dr. Linder said that was the best possible ?abnormal? result I could have had. Anything could have caused those cells?could have been too close to the beginning or end of my cycle, stuff like that. So I was really relieved.

And when I got home, Elfie was calling again. She just had this feeling that she should call and so she did.

I called the school today to ask for help in paying for eye exams and glasses for Billy and Heidi, and the nurse was more than willing to help out. That?s taken care of now. I got Billy?s high school schedule. It looks like he?s going into Humanities English after all, as well as Regents Earth Science. Billy still wants to take Earth Science and Math 1A in summer school but I told him he?d have to clear it with the counselor first. I think it?s an awful lot of work and it?s going to be too darn hot but?it would keep him out of trouble.

Today?s the first time I did any substantial amount of interpreting, for this one student. He had his work checked and I was there with him for like an hour and a half. Heidi called in the middle of that. I think she was lonely and just wanted someone to talk to so I said she could call back at lunch time, at 11:45.

I hope I did the right thing. Billy called around 11 and wanted to go next door to play with his friend, Jimmy. That left Heidi home alone. She called and just wanted to talk which was okay and then she was using the computer to send Instant Messages to Sharon. Then she called to ask if she could go to Sharon?s house and hang out, and I said yes. They won?t be able to do that all the time because once school is out someone will have to stay and watch Kristin.

Thinking about it made me feel really sad. It?s natural for the kids to break free and go off on their own with their friends?but where does that leave me, kid? It was supposed to be you and me?and now you?re not here. What am I to do when all the kids want to be with their friends and I miss you? I feel ? I don?t know, cheated somehow I guess. I was cheated of the opportunity to enjoy time alone with you as the kids grew and got independent. I think I would lie down and cry if I wasn?t at work.

And I?m trying to decide what to do with Kristin when she gets home. Do we clean her room? Do I take her to the pool? This really sucks, Rich!

At the hospital, that?s when I knew for sure without any doubt at all that you were gone?a nurse brought me your wedding ring and I just totally went to pieces. I am wearing your ring on a chain around my neck?the same silver chain you were wearing when you were taken to the hospital in April.

And do you know that the balloon is still there? It?s still tied to our picture. I thought about taking it down; in a way it seems to be mocking: ?Get well? it says. And you didn?t?but I can?t bring myself to get rid of it. I wonder how long it will last?

See you later,
I love you and miss you terribly,
Me

P.S. Sweetie, I had such a hard time at the pool and then again this evening. I had no idea that a memory could hurt so damn much. I took Kristin to the pool for a dip and it was fine at first. I got out of the pool and sat down and looked at the deep end and then it hit me. Last summer, we?d come to the pool and float around the deep end with those spaghetti floats. It was so relaxing. We?d link ankles and just float around, or one of us would tow the other. I would go into your arms and we?d kiss and neck like a couple of silly teenagers. And today?you weren?t there, and it hurt. I began to cry, silent tears streaming down my face. Luckily I was wearing dark glasses and water was dripping from me so people didn?t know although Kristin knew. She came over and gave me a hug but didn?t seem to know what to do. She wanted to be with her friends.
And that?s how it was with the kids. All three of them went out, it?s good, they should do that?but I was alone with the memories. And I thought, my God, in the other days, if all the kids had gone out like that you and I would run up to the bed room to make the most of the opportunity. But you weren?t here, and I was all alone. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I thought my heart would stop or I?d have a heart attack or something, I?d just break apart. But I didn?t. I put your ring on my finger and tried to feel you. All I felt was pain and more pain. I just wish I could feel you, touch you, and talk to you?anything. I miss you, my love, so very much.

June 18, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I have a really big muscle spasm in my shoulder and neck. It started yesterday and I really wish you were here to rub it. Heidi tried and it helped a little. I think I?ll have to try a heating pad.

That secretary for the OBGYN?s office called to apologize for the screw-up on Saturday. Apparently this guy WAS supposed to have office hours and what seems to have happened was that he had to go deliver a baby. Well, fine, I said, but someone should have called to let me know. The woman said there was a note there that they called the house and ?left message with son?. I told her I found it hard to believe that my son would withhold the message from me, especially when I came in and was as upset as I was. But Billy?s lied before so I guess I will have to ask him?still, I am going to see this new doctor today and have the thing taken care of. I really wasn?t interested in the excuses of the doctor, legit or not. They could have left a note posted to the door and they certainly could have left someone on staff there to tell people that they hadn?t reached. I know there was at least one other couple that showed up for their appointment.

Today I just feel blah. I just want to be able to go and get this appointment over with. Other deaf clients have their issues too and it?s a strain on me. I feel the panic attacks coming back in the mornings when I?m driving to work. I guess I?m going to have to tell someone soon.

I called a number Roseanne recommended to get the kids started in an 8 week bereavement group that starts in July, July 19th. The woman, Gerri, didn?t think there would be one for spouses until the fall. Isn?t that a hell of a thing? You?d think they?d need more of those groups. The lady did say that when the social worker called I should talk to her. Sometimes they form new groups based on needs and not on schedules so we?ll see. It?s in Bay Shore; I told her I?d be willing to drive to Bay Shore for the kids? sake.

Your old girlfriend Helen has called a couple of times and she emailed too. Sometimes she really is a bit off the wall. Sometimes I talk to her and she?s normal and other times she?s going on chapter and verse about being saved and being in the light and yadda yadda yadda. She seems to think I should be convincing your friend Marlon to become saved and to ask your friend Bob if HE is saved. It makes me squirm. When she talks like that on the phone I just get quiet and don?t say anything. She ?gets? it and either moves on or says she?ll call me back.

Well, sweetie, I?m about talked out for the moment. I don?t know if you can feel how much I miss you and how unreal it all still seems to me. I?m afraid of when the reality does crash down on me. I think that the pain will be awful because I can feel the beginnings of it now.
See you later, my love,
All my love, Me

June 12, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I?ve had lots of computer trouble and other problems ? it almost seemed like there was a conspiracy to keep me from writing. ;-) The hard drive kept crashing again and then when I went to use the kids? computer it turned out that I somehow locked myself out of the journal. And yesterday when I came to work, the computers here wouldn?t even read the disk!

Kristin?s spring concert was last night and you would have been so proud of her. She played really well?they all did, considering they?re just third graders, and then the chorus just sounded lovely. There was one song they sang called ?The Rainbow Connection? and I just cried. Billy put his arm around me. I was thinking about you and hoping that you were enjoying the concert as much as we did. We sat with Ashley?s grandmother and aunt. Later on we meet the P's at Baskin Robbins and I invited them to come back to the house. We talked until after ten at night.

I think you would have liked the P's too and I thought to myself, why didn?t we do this before? I know you wanted to. What the hell was wrong with me? It was just like with Dawn and Jim, Elise and Scott P are really nice too. She?s a computer trouble-shooter and he is a teacher who likes motorcycles and techie stuff. He has everything wired together so that through the computer he can make audio and video copies of stuff. He reminded me a little of you. Apparently he?s not one to put up with BS either. Other than that he was pretty chatty. You could be that way too after you warmed up to people. I don?t know, maybe Scott would have struck you as a bit of a know-it-all too.

Anyway, backtracking a bit, we went to the picnic on Saturday and I thought we?d just stay for a little while, say hello to a few people, and stay long enough to be polite and then go but come back later. At just about the last minute, I decided to take your chair?the one we bought for you and you only sat in it one time. :-( Billy carried it for me and helped set it up near the deaf tables.

I just sat and watched and listened for a while. Hearing those deaf voices was comforting to me. It reminded me of other picnics I?d been to with my parents and their friends at the beach. I felt safe. I didn?t feel like approaching anyone just then, just sat back watching and relaxing.

After a while, though, someone approached me and said hello. They were all on the deaf ministry committee. We talked for a little while and then they brought me to a table to introduce me to the deaf parishioners of the church (there?s only 4 or 5 but there were about 20 or 30 of their friends at the picnic!) and you know what? They all knew my parents, my aunt, my uncle and one remembered me from when I was a kid! So we spent the whole afternoon there talking. I had so much fun and so did the kids. They played and got dirty and sweaty and everyone ended up taking a shower. What a beautiful day it was!

Sunday was harder. We went to church again and I was okay but then during Holy Communion I thought of you and missed you and started to cry a little. This is so weird how I feel. I feel like I?m acting in a play, that none of this is real. But then all of a sudden I?ll get hit with a thought: Rich is not coming back! And it?s like reliving it all over again. I think: no, no, it wasn?t supposed to be like this, it CAN?T be like this?

A friend of mine named Jane Peoples sent me a book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love and I read a page of it and it sounds like what I?m feeling is very typical. And that?s what I hear from other people too. I don?t know how long I?ll be stuck in this stage. I don?t like it very much.

After church on Sunday, Kristin went to Jessica P?s birthday party at the bowling alley. That was something of a disaster. Originally I was planning to take Billy and Heidi to see Oma and I talked to Elise about taking Kristin after the party. I thought I asked her to pick her up too but I?ve gotten a lot of things screwed up in my head.

Anyway, Heidi didn?t feel well and didn?t want to go to see Oma and so we decided to put it off another week or two. It was getting closer to one and I was getting sleepy but no Elise. Finally I realized I must have misunderstood and so I took off with Kristin. What a mess! Of course, I couldn?t find the bowling alley right away and so we were a half hour late. Kristin was okay with that but I was really shaken and upset.

Afterwards, Elise took the kids to Adventureland on Rt. 110. I tried to sleep but I just couldn?t. My eyes were wide open in spite of being tired and I think it was from thinking of you and missing you. I sort of realized that we should have had a Plan B in case so we could be doing something else. Next time I?ll know?

Linda called and I talked to her for a little while. I also went into the Bereavement Journey chat room because there was supposed to be a medium there but she never showed up and I was really bummed about that. Nancy S (one of the people I write with online for A New Vintage?the online continuation of Falcon Crest) called and we talked a good long time and that was helpful. I felt better.

Steve, the financial advisor, came over to the house before the concert and I opened up a mutual fund account to grow the money. We?ll be okay, it looks like. I need to pay the tax bills and I?ll pay the credit card balances and then I think we can get by. I just still would much rather be living life with you, my love. I miss you so much, I try not to think about it or deal with it.

The girls are still sleeping in our bed and I have not wanted to chase them out because I just do NOT want to be alone. I don?t think I?d sleep well. I still hug Bubba Bear close at night. He still smells of your after shave. Whenever it fades a little I sprinkle more on him.

Billy wants to take summer school classes in math and science so that he will be in a more advanced placement for next year. You?d be proud of him. He and Heidi were both working hard on homework last night. Our kids really are terrific kids in the long run, you know that.

I love you so much. I wear your wedding ring on your chain around my neck. The ring sometimes gets caught between my humongous breasts but it?s okay?it?s safe there and as close to my heart as possible. I still shake my head in wonder?Rich is not coming back. How can that be? It really wasn?t supposed to happen like this?

June 9, 2001
Good morning, my love,

I meant to write to you everyday but it was just too painful yesterday. I didn?t sleep well, didn?t get to bed until almost 3 a.m. I added more pages to the new website. That helped a little bit.

I think it was just emotionally painful more than anything else. I met with my financial advisor and we began discussing the money and making plans and people to contact and stuff like that. We met at the Massapequa Diner, which I thought would be okay until I arrived and sat down to wait for him. Then I realized how many times we?d been to different diners in the past and suddenly it was almost like I could see you sitting across from me like you did so many years ago. That hurt. It hurt talking about your assets. When I came home I was so worn out I went to sleep for a while. When I got up and began to make dinner, I started crying. I missed you, missed your presence, your voice, your comforting arms.

I went online and dealt with this crashing hard drive and I thought to myself, why should I bother with this damn computer? And then I thought, but Rich is not here. I should have spent more time with him?

What really got me was when I went to the message boards. It only takes one in the crowd and this one has had a grudge against me for a long time. Well, she?s back and left an ugly message.

I decided: no more Dark Shadows fan lists or public boards. I?ll stick with the 200 club (yours), the Bereavement Journey, ParentsWithTeens and a few others that I am almost sure this nut does not belong to. Friends tell me not to let the troll stop me from posting but you know what? It?s no fun anymore anyway. I am not getting any pleasure from it.

We?re going to the church picnic today. I?m not sure how long we?re staying. I?m bringing a camera in case we take pictures. I thought we should try. I?m really going to try and have a good time. Later I?ll take the kids to the pool for a dip. I won?t go in because I have my period but I?ll take a shower later. Might pick up something quick for dinner or maybe we?ll be so stuffed from the picnic we won?t need to eat.

I love you so much my darling. I miss you. I?ll write you again later.