June 25, 2001
Well sweetheart,

Today is the official first day of the summer holiday for the kids. I left them a short list of things to do and hope they won?t start calling me, fighting. I asked them again about a camp because they?re going to be stuck inside until after 3, and today is a busy day so it?s not like they can go to the pool or anything. I guess we?ll just have to see how it goes.

This afternoon I am going to drop Heidi off to Lori Young?s house (that?s her Cadets leader and mother of Heidi?s friend Jillian). Today is the Girl Scout end of the year party. They?re going to play miniature golf, just like last year, and then go over to Applebee?s for dinner. As for me, I?m going to take Kristin and Billy to the Roseanne and then take everyone over to Applebee?s.

Heidi just called me (here I am at work, not a half hour into the day) and already they are fighting. They would have called you because that was your area. You?d field the calls from the kids, straighten them out and get them to refocus. I hope I did the right thing. Heidi wants to be in charge so that she can ?punish? Kristin. I told her no and I talked to each kid about what I wanted them to do.

If this doesn?t work, I?m going to have to put them into some kind of emergency day care situation. I don?t know how or where, but I can?t have them at each other?s throats in the house all day. This really sucks, Rich. You weren?t supposed to leave me in this predicament and I?m not sure how I?m going to handle it.

I am still numb, I think. The Grief Monster only visited me that one time, last Monday night. So far I have been hanging in but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wrote a letter to the Ehrlers, hoping that we can continue to rent the house after October. I get through the day but I am still feeling very much like an actress in a play or something.

The parking lot is being repaved and for the next few days we have to park out of the parking lot, across the street at Pathmark or down one of the side streets. At any rate, I thought what a hardship it would have been for you with your bad knee and ankles and your heart to have to walk to and from the house. And then I thought, it?s a good thing you?re missing this and then I thought: are you crazy? I know we would have found a way to manage had you lived but you didn?t, so I guess there are some small blessings to be found.

I?ve read posts from widows that never got a chance to say goodbye to their husbands. I am so grateful for that hour we had together, when you held my hand and put it to your lips and we talked. Somehow I think we did get a chance to say goodbye in that we knew how much we loved each other. Another widow I?ve become friendly with, Helen in Rochester, was telling me that incontinence is one of the early signs of impending death and that when you wet yourself that night it meant you were already in the process of dying. I wonder if you knew that on some level. I didn?t think of it until later; all I had to go by was the fact that it happened when you passed out at work. Helen also said that the dying process really is undignified and unpleasant to watch and that it?s no wonder you wanted to spare me that. When we found you, your eyes were closed and you seemed to be asleep. Helen said you had to have been gone at least three hours. That means you died not long after I went up to bed.

Some of the widows say they try to do things to make themselves feel sad and I wondered why. Is it because they?re still in a numbed condition like me and they want to make sure they are real and that they do have feelings? I haven?t cried since last Monday. I go to bed at night and the girls are in the bed so I am not alone. Maybe that?s why I don?t cry. Or maybe it?s still this protective web around me?the one that makes it feel so unreal.

Messages I posted on the widow support board:

Life IS unfair. That's one of the things Rich would say a lot. We would go
with the flow and roll with the punches and stumble through the hard times
and yes, life was unfair a LOT.
You were there for your step-daughter. That counts for a lot. I believe that
there is life after death so I think her father was watching too.
My youngest daughter was in the end-of-year spring concert, playing the
violin in public for the first time. Rich would have tried to go to see her
if he could. I think he was there watching from above.
Sometimes believing it isn't enough though.
**************************

I was talking to a friend tonight. I am still feeling that weird numb
this-is-not-me-or-my-world feeling most of the time. I function okay, I
look, act and talk like me...but it's like I'm waiting to go back to my real
world. There are so many little things in my real world that I miss here...
Rich and I used to drive in to work together. We worked just a mile or two
apart, with a major mall between us. On the way in, we'd listen to Q104 for
the trick logic question of the day to see if we could figure it out...and
Rich was really good at figuring those out! And when I'd drop him off, he'd
always stand and wait for me to pull out and he'd flash the international
sign for "I love you" and I would sign it back to him and I'd hear him call,
"Don't forget the lights!"
That came about because I'd park in this underground garage and when I'd
leave at the end of my day I'd turn the lights on. My work day ended at
2:45; his at 4:30. Sometimes I'd go to that mall and walk but other times
I'd just go to where he worked, park, curl up and nap until he came out.
Once or twice, though, he'd startle me awake because I'd forgotten to turn
off the headlights and someone in the front would see the car and call him
up to tell him.
Sometimes I hear him say it so clearly: "Don't forget to turn out the
lights!"
Other things I miss:
his snoring
his laugh
the way he'd say, "do you know how much I love you?"
his surprises...sometimes flowers, sometimes a candy bar, sometimes an
off-color email card
his smile--he was so handsome when he smiled, his face would just light up,
especially his eyes
snuggling up against him on those rare occasions we wanted to watch the same
TV program
watching him play with one of the kids
listening to him singing to a favorite song--he loved John Fogarty and
Clearance, the Stones, the Beatles, Eric Clapton...
one of the things I miss most of all is his dreams of retirement...what we
were going to do, where we were going to go...
Even with the three kids in my house, it's too damn quiet...
*************
**

June 24, 2001
Sweetheart,

The kids and I visited your grandma for a couple of hours today. I really admire her so much! We walked around the grounds of the ?Old Folks? Home? (as she calls it) and we sat outside in the garden. It was so pleasant out there. She really can cruise along for a 90 year old lady!

I went back to the church again too and was happy to be back among the deaf people. It felt good, almost like home. I wish there were more deaf people in the congregation.

The one pastor was talking about the lack of commitment people have to churches today. They aren?t faithful worshippers or contributors. It made me wonder about how I really feel about God and church. I?m not sure, I?m confused. You?re gone from me. We keep having hard times. Should I be angry with God? I don?t know why I?m not?am I afraid to be? Or does my anger come out by the fact that I didn?t go to church for over 5 years? I felt like we were having so many problems that people just got tired of us. ?Oh no, here comes that Job family again,? I could hear them saying. Or maybe it was that Jonah family.

Your friend Helen wrote to me and said that these things happen to us so that we don?t get ?comfortable? with life here. And I had to laugh. When has our lives been comfortable? We?ve always had financial trouble dogging us, health problems and so on?I guess it?s like you asked, ?when is the better part?? I try to tell myself that I wasn?t bullshitting you?that the better is those fleeting moments between all the ?worse?.

The kids are being difficult again. I prayed to you in church today, did you hear me? I need your help, your backing?I miss you so much. It?s not just in caring for the kids. I just want to be able to talk to you and hold you again.

Anyway, Heidi is cranky and irritable almost all the time, and Kristin is turning rebellious and bratty all of a sudden. I?m guessing this is some of the ?acting out? Roseanne was talking about? I was with Janet C and her two kids at the pool and Heidi was being really bitchy about how I always give ?The Princess? (Kristin) her way. Janet sympathized. She got up to talk to a friend of hers and Heidi took away a toy that belonged to Ian, Janet?s son. Billy was trying to get it back and I was getting annoyed and then Heidi returned it and said something snotty about me. I decided I didn?t have to take any of this so I got up, got my things and left the pool. I guess I shocked everyone?I don?t care. I thought, why should I be treated this way? What crime did I commit?

Well that was Friday, that really sucked.
The car cost almost $1,000 to fix. I paid the funeral home almost $6,000 and by August first I have to pay off the 401K loan, another almost $8,000?I see the money just quickly slipping away. I hope I can manage this correctly. Give me strength, Rich, be with me, help me, I need you!

I am going to write to the E's, our landlords, to ask them if we can stay when the lease is up. I hope and pray they say yes.

On Saturday, I drove Billy to Wantagh for a magic cards tournament. He didn?t win. He went up against Jimmy, our neighbor, and it?s possible Jimmy cheated! I took Heidi and Kristin shopping. Last night we watched Fantasia 2000.

I had a feeling you were trying to communicate with that get well balloon I got for you. Were you? It bent down every now and then and blew into my face. I?d kiss the smiling face of the sun and say, ?Hi, Rich!? Heidi gave me a really funny look and said, ?Ohhhhhkay, Mom.? I noticed that when Kristin came to use the computer, though, she kissed the balloon, too.

I love you baby. On the Widownet board, people are trying to think up names for the Grief Monster, the one that grabs you by the throat when you least expect it. I tried to think of a name and I couldn?t remember any special names you had for anything.

And I?m trying to decide if the Grief Monster is a good thing or a bad thing. It would be the pain that hits when I realize that you are gone. It?s reality, really?and what would I call that?
I?ll always love you. I still have trouble believing that you?re really gone?
All my love, Me

Posts from Widow Support Board:

posted 06-24-2001 07:54 PM

I am wearing Rich's:
wedding ring on his silver chain around my neck;
his tee shirts to bed at night;
his socks whenever possible;
his shirts around the house.
I still have the mylar "Get Well" balloon I bought for Rich when he was
hospitalized with atrial fibrillation in April. They wouldn't let him have
it in CCU or on the cardiac floor so I brought it home and tied it to the
back of our picture. He seemed to like it when he came home from being in
the hospital. That balloon outlasted Rich. I still have it, it's still tied
to our picture.
I have Rich's:
pens
sticky note pads
notes to himself in his handwriting (tracked down his two best friends this
way)
his disks from work
all his stuffed animals and toys
scrapbook from his trip across the country when he was about 7
his babybook
almost all his shirts, shaving gear and after shave...
I wouldn't get rid of any of it, not now. I take the after shave and
sprinkle it over the bed and over the bear he won for me in the Poconos.
I am looking for his book of poetry. He used to write poetry before he met
me. Once I asked, "Why don't you write now?" and he said, "Because I'm not
depressed anymore." He wrote me two poems though. One is so private it's
just for us; the other I put on our website.
Sometimes I take the ring that is on the chain and if I'm watching a movie
or thinking about him I put the ring over my own wedding band. The chain is
so long the ring reaches easily.
He never took the ring off, not from the day we married. Even though I knew
he died at home it became "real" when the nurse gave me his ring in the
hospital.
What I couldn't keep: the boca-burgers. I'm not sure why. I got upset when I
saw them. He'd been trying so hard...and doing so well, it just didn't seem
fair. I couldn't throw them out. I gave them to someone who doesn't eat
meat.
**************************

posted 06-23-2001 09:40 PM

It's only been 4-1/2 weeks since Rich died so maybe it's too soon to answer but here goes...
1. I have not moved. I don't want to mostly because of the support available to my kids and to me in this district but also because all my memories of Rich are here.
2. I am renting the house. Hope the landlord will continue to rent to us.
3. I didn't replace anything in the bedroom.
4. I haven't gotten a new car yet but I probably will mostly because our car is on its last wheel rim.
5. I got a hair cut today but it's cut the same style I've worn, short short short. That's how I like it especially in the summer.
6. Haven't changed my job either and don't intend to.
7. I still have contact with his grandmother and his aunt. His sister called me once. Rich's brother was never close so I haven't called him and I was talking to Alberta, his dad's second wife the other day.
8. I was already taking medication for panic attack disorder, which I've had since I was 17.
9. My kids and I are in therapy
10. Do I feel my life was altered? YES
*******************


Sandy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am 46, too, and I lost my love Rich on May 23. I still feel numb and a sense of disbelief. I was hit with an all-over gut wrenching pain recently as I realized that this was NOT a dream, not a movie, this is real (well, I mean, I've known it all along but it just didn't *feel* real). I am glad that you found this board. The people here are wonderful, very supportive, and they listen.
I've been practically living on this board since I found it. Every time I come online, I come here first.
**********************
posted 06-22-2001 09:45 AM

{{{{{{Shelby}}}}}
I'm sorry about the auction and that you have to move.I have three children. They are what keeps me going. I don't know that I would be in any kind of shape to cope at all if it wasn't for thinking of the kids and needing to make sure they're taken care of. Maybe I would have found something else but I don't know that. All I know is that I get up and go to work and I go on because it's what Rich would have wanted and because the kids need me.The other night I was really hurting and there was nothing anyone could say or do for me to feel better. I just wanted Rich back.
A friend called me and said "I wish there was something I could do" and I'd like to say the same thing...but what I said to my friend was, "There's nothing you can do right now. I just have to be with this pain."
I'm really sorry, Shelby.
********************

I am really glad that I found this board. It's only been 4 weeks but I can sense that people feel uncomfortable if I talk about Rich. So I don't. I keep a journal where I write letters to him but I want to be able to talk about him and share how I feel and I feel like I can do that here.
************************

I don't think you are being selfish to take care of your own needs. Rich and I came to that conclusion after he had surgery and then when his health started to fail. We realized that there was no way to keep up with family visits and so on. We did the best we could which was sometimes not more than mailing an e-card. And we looked out for each other and made sure our needs were met first as much as possible.
Two things I learned--I cannot give to other people if I don't give to myself (it's sort of a variation of love your neighbors...how could I love someone if I didn't love
myself first?) and like in the Rick Nelson song:
You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
I think everyone else who posted is right on, too.
********************

Hi Linda,
People tell me tears heal. I've cried a lot but I have a feeling that it hasn't "hit" yet. I figure that when I start crying I'm just going to go with it, hoping that it will help.About taking medication, I have panic attack disorder and so I have been on medication for a long time. I only wondered one thing about the meds and that is I heard it interferes with your dreams. This is the kind of nutty things I think, I thought, if the medicine keeps me from dreaming, how will Rich visit me?
Linda, I kind of went into left field...the only other thing I can think is to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. That was the other thing a friend told me who lost her husband about 8 months ago. She said to me, you'll cry until you think you have nothing left inside and then you'll still cry. But it's normal.

June 21, 2001
Sometimes I'll throw in a post I wrote on a bereavement support group message board. This one, I think, is my first:

Not long after Rich died I said to friends, "I wish Whoopi Goldberg would come knocking at my door". I had so many questions, so many things I felt guilty about and worried about with Rich. A few days later, I got a letter from an acquaintance who mentioned that she channels and does after death communications. She offered to do a session with me--free. Rich and I watched Jonathan Edward and we were really impressed. I had a funny feeling, wondered if Rich had heard me somehow...anyway, I called the acquaintance and said yes, I wanted to do a session.
It was a little weird at first. I wasn't sure if she was saying things to be comforting to me...but there were things she knew about Rich that she wouldn't have known otherwise.

I was comforted by the fact that Rich wanted me to go on to bed because although he wasn't aware at the time anything was going to happen, he did not want me to watch him die and he said there was nothing that anyone could have done to save him. That is what the doctor said. Rich said he wanted to be found as if he was sleeping--and he did look like he was sleeping. He didn't look afraid or like he was in pain and said that there was no pain, it was very fast.

That was comforting. I was going to try again when I was less emotional. The channeler said that Rich was very much still earthbound, torn between wanting to stay with us and being free to move on.

Rich said that the love and the space where he is now is unimaginably vast and that he loves me and the children, is with us a lot and watches us sleep.
I said I wished I could feel him more. Since then, the picture of us has backflipped off my desk several times, his "get well" balloon has flown into my face, and the scanner turned itself on--and it was his picture that came up.

I do believe he is with us. I just wish I could hold his hand and talk to him...




June 20, 2001
It?s been four weeks, Rich. It?s hard to believe that it?s been that long?or that short, or whatever. It seems like forever now. I still have flashback images that are a little blurred now, back to Billy calling, ?Mom, oh no! I can?t wake Dad!? and then seeing you on the floor and just KNOWING instinctively that you were gone. I hoped I would feel you somehow last night or today but maybe I?m just not in tune for it to happen. I am glad for the memories I have of you, they are very good ones. I still miss you very much.

I looked at the two health care packages and one of them is more expensive than the other, but it?s got all the doctors I?m seeing/will see in it. The other one only has Dr. Geri and I guess I could live with it. It?s just more convenient to go with the bigger package and it would still save us about $400 a month. I am going to see if I can?t pick up the dental coverage COBRA because I wouldn?t be able to get it privately.

Today is the last day of school for the kids?well, for Billy and Heidi anyway. I shut the air conditioning off but it might be really hot now so I was going to call and tell them how to turn it back on. It?s still kind of comfortable outside, Billy says.

I really lost it on one of the lists last night. I was so upset about being alone and you not being there and felt overwhelmed with the posts on this one list and so I unsubbed. Dawn called but I couldn?t talk to her, I was crying too hard. I just told her that it wasn?t her fault I was unsubbing and that there was nothing she could do to help. There really wasn?t anything. The only thing that would have helped is to have you back and that?s just not going to happen.

Why did this happen now? I really just don?t get it. You were doing so much better, you were watching your weight, and you seemed happier (although you were stressed with the kids that night) and wanted to be more active and involved in things. Why? It really was the furthest thing from my mind, and I just think to myself when you woke in the middle of the night with your heart racing and you?d accidentally wet yourself and felt dizzy I think WHY DIDN?T YOU CALL THE DOCTOR? I almost feel as if I killed you, that it was my fault, I should have known better.

If we?d gone to the hospital or the emergency room, they might not have had to use the cardioversion machine. Maybe they could have gotten your heart back under control with just the medication. I feel like I neglected you somehow and I know that through this after death communication S did that you said there was no blame it would have happened anyway, I can?t help but think: is she just saying that to make me feel better?

P.S. Sweetie, I had such a hard time at the pool and then again this evening. I had no idea that a memory could hurt so damn much. I took Kristin to the pool for a dip and it was fine at first. I got out of the pool and sat down and looked at the deep end and then it hit me. Last summer, we?d come to the pool and float around the deep end with those spaghetti floats. It was so relaxing. We?d link ankles and just float around, or one of us would tow the other. I would go into your arms and we?d kiss and neck like a couple of silly teenagers. And today?you weren?t there, and it hurt. I began to cry, silent tears streaming down my face. Luckily I was wearing dark glasses and water was dripping from me so people didn?t know although Kristin knew. She came over and gave me a hug but didn?t seem to know what to do. She wanted to be with her friends.
And that?s how it was with the kids. All three of them went out, it?s good, they should do that?but I was alone with the memories. And I thought, my God, in the other days, if all the kids had gone out like that you and I would run up to the bed room to make the most of the opportunity. But you weren?t here, and I was all alone. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I thought my heart would stop or I?d have a heart attack or something, I?d just break apart. But I didn?t. I put your ring on my finger and tried to feel you. All I felt was pain and more pain. I just wish I could feel you, touch you, and talk to you?anything. I miss you, my love, so very much.

June 19, 2001
Hi sweetie,

All that worrying about the test results was for nothing! I am really annoyed with Carol, the PA at Dr. Geri?s office. She was the one that told me the test results were abnormal and needed to be further investigated; that I needed a biopsy and blah blah blah.

I showed up to see Dr. Linder after work yesterday and he did a complete physical exam, but not a pap. We had to call to get the test results faxed to his office and meantime, I told him what Carol said about how she could read the results to me but I probably wouldn?t understand them. When the test results came, the test just said ?atypical squamous cells, non-reactive? and Dr. Linder said that was the best possible ?abnormal? result I could have had. Anything could have caused those cells?could have been too close to the beginning or end of my cycle, stuff like that. So I was really relieved.

And when I got home, Elfie was calling again. She just had this feeling that she should call and so she did.

I called the school today to ask for help in paying for eye exams and glasses for Billy and Heidi, and the nurse was more than willing to help out. That?s taken care of now. I got Billy?s high school schedule. It looks like he?s going into Humanities English after all, as well as Regents Earth Science. Billy still wants to take Earth Science and Math 1A in summer school but I told him he?d have to clear it with the counselor first. I think it?s an awful lot of work and it?s going to be too darn hot but?it would keep him out of trouble.

Today?s the first time I did any substantial amount of interpreting, for this one student. He had his work checked and I was there with him for like an hour and a half. Heidi called in the middle of that. I think she was lonely and just wanted someone to talk to so I said she could call back at lunch time, at 11:45.

I hope I did the right thing. Billy called around 11 and wanted to go next door to play with his friend, Jimmy. That left Heidi home alone. She called and just wanted to talk which was okay and then she was using the computer to send Instant Messages to Sharon. Then she called to ask if she could go to Sharon?s house and hang out, and I said yes. They won?t be able to do that all the time because once school is out someone will have to stay and watch Kristin.

Thinking about it made me feel really sad. It?s natural for the kids to break free and go off on their own with their friends?but where does that leave me, kid? It was supposed to be you and me?and now you?re not here. What am I to do when all the kids want to be with their friends and I miss you? I feel ? I don?t know, cheated somehow I guess. I was cheated of the opportunity to enjoy time alone with you as the kids grew and got independent. I think I would lie down and cry if I wasn?t at work.

And I?m trying to decide what to do with Kristin when she gets home. Do we clean her room? Do I take her to the pool? This really sucks, Rich!

At the hospital, that?s when I knew for sure without any doubt at all that you were gone?a nurse brought me your wedding ring and I just totally went to pieces. I am wearing your ring on a chain around my neck?the same silver chain you were wearing when you were taken to the hospital in April.

And do you know that the balloon is still there? It?s still tied to our picture. I thought about taking it down; in a way it seems to be mocking: ?Get well? it says. And you didn?t?but I can?t bring myself to get rid of it. I wonder how long it will last?

See you later,
I love you and miss you terribly,
Me

P.S. Sweetie, I had such a hard time at the pool and then again this evening. I had no idea that a memory could hurt so damn much. I took Kristin to the pool for a dip and it was fine at first. I got out of the pool and sat down and looked at the deep end and then it hit me. Last summer, we?d come to the pool and float around the deep end with those spaghetti floats. It was so relaxing. We?d link ankles and just float around, or one of us would tow the other. I would go into your arms and we?d kiss and neck like a couple of silly teenagers. And today?you weren?t there, and it hurt. I began to cry, silent tears streaming down my face. Luckily I was wearing dark glasses and water was dripping from me so people didn?t know although Kristin knew. She came over and gave me a hug but didn?t seem to know what to do. She wanted to be with her friends.
And that?s how it was with the kids. All three of them went out, it?s good, they should do that?but I was alone with the memories. And I thought, my God, in the other days, if all the kids had gone out like that you and I would run up to the bed room to make the most of the opportunity. But you weren?t here, and I was all alone. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I thought my heart would stop or I?d have a heart attack or something, I?d just break apart. But I didn?t. I put your ring on my finger and tried to feel you. All I felt was pain and more pain. I just wish I could feel you, touch you, and talk to you?anything. I miss you, my love, so very much.

June 18, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I have a really big muscle spasm in my shoulder and neck. It started yesterday and I really wish you were here to rub it. Heidi tried and it helped a little. I think I?ll have to try a heating pad.

That secretary for the OBGYN?s office called to apologize for the screw-up on Saturday. Apparently this guy WAS supposed to have office hours and what seems to have happened was that he had to go deliver a baby. Well, fine, I said, but someone should have called to let me know. The woman said there was a note there that they called the house and ?left message with son?. I told her I found it hard to believe that my son would withhold the message from me, especially when I came in and was as upset as I was. But Billy?s lied before so I guess I will have to ask him?still, I am going to see this new doctor today and have the thing taken care of. I really wasn?t interested in the excuses of the doctor, legit or not. They could have left a note posted to the door and they certainly could have left someone on staff there to tell people that they hadn?t reached. I know there was at least one other couple that showed up for their appointment.

Today I just feel blah. I just want to be able to go and get this appointment over with. Other deaf clients have their issues too and it?s a strain on me. I feel the panic attacks coming back in the mornings when I?m driving to work. I guess I?m going to have to tell someone soon.

I called a number Roseanne recommended to get the kids started in an 8 week bereavement group that starts in July, July 19th. The woman, Gerri, didn?t think there would be one for spouses until the fall. Isn?t that a hell of a thing? You?d think they?d need more of those groups. The lady did say that when the social worker called I should talk to her. Sometimes they form new groups based on needs and not on schedules so we?ll see. It?s in Bay Shore; I told her I?d be willing to drive to Bay Shore for the kids? sake.

Your old girlfriend Helen has called a couple of times and she emailed too. Sometimes she really is a bit off the wall. Sometimes I talk to her and she?s normal and other times she?s going on chapter and verse about being saved and being in the light and yadda yadda yadda. She seems to think I should be convincing your friend Marlon to become saved and to ask your friend Bob if HE is saved. It makes me squirm. When she talks like that on the phone I just get quiet and don?t say anything. She ?gets? it and either moves on or says she?ll call me back.

Well, sweetie, I?m about talked out for the moment. I don?t know if you can feel how much I miss you and how unreal it all still seems to me. I?m afraid of when the reality does crash down on me. I think that the pain will be awful because I can feel the beginnings of it now.
See you later, my love,
All my love, Me

June 12, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I?ve had lots of computer trouble and other problems ? it almost seemed like there was a conspiracy to keep me from writing. ;-) The hard drive kept crashing again and then when I went to use the kids? computer it turned out that I somehow locked myself out of the journal. And yesterday when I came to work, the computers here wouldn?t even read the disk!

Kristin?s spring concert was last night and you would have been so proud of her. She played really well?they all did, considering they?re just third graders, and then the chorus just sounded lovely. There was one song they sang called ?The Rainbow Connection? and I just cried. Billy put his arm around me. I was thinking about you and hoping that you were enjoying the concert as much as we did. We sat with Ashley?s grandmother and aunt. Later on we meet the P's at Baskin Robbins and I invited them to come back to the house. We talked until after ten at night.

I think you would have liked the P's too and I thought to myself, why didn?t we do this before? I know you wanted to. What the hell was wrong with me? It was just like with Dawn and Jim, Elise and Scott P are really nice too. She?s a computer trouble-shooter and he is a teacher who likes motorcycles and techie stuff. He has everything wired together so that through the computer he can make audio and video copies of stuff. He reminded me a little of you. Apparently he?s not one to put up with BS either. Other than that he was pretty chatty. You could be that way too after you warmed up to people. I don?t know, maybe Scott would have struck you as a bit of a know-it-all too.

Anyway, backtracking a bit, we went to the picnic on Saturday and I thought we?d just stay for a little while, say hello to a few people, and stay long enough to be polite and then go but come back later. At just about the last minute, I decided to take your chair?the one we bought for you and you only sat in it one time. :-( Billy carried it for me and helped set it up near the deaf tables.

I just sat and watched and listened for a while. Hearing those deaf voices was comforting to me. It reminded me of other picnics I?d been to with my parents and their friends at the beach. I felt safe. I didn?t feel like approaching anyone just then, just sat back watching and relaxing.

After a while, though, someone approached me and said hello. They were all on the deaf ministry committee. We talked for a little while and then they brought me to a table to introduce me to the deaf parishioners of the church (there?s only 4 or 5 but there were about 20 or 30 of their friends at the picnic!) and you know what? They all knew my parents, my aunt, my uncle and one remembered me from when I was a kid! So we spent the whole afternoon there talking. I had so much fun and so did the kids. They played and got dirty and sweaty and everyone ended up taking a shower. What a beautiful day it was!

Sunday was harder. We went to church again and I was okay but then during Holy Communion I thought of you and missed you and started to cry a little. This is so weird how I feel. I feel like I?m acting in a play, that none of this is real. But then all of a sudden I?ll get hit with a thought: Rich is not coming back! And it?s like reliving it all over again. I think: no, no, it wasn?t supposed to be like this, it CAN?T be like this?

A friend of mine named Jane Peoples sent me a book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love and I read a page of it and it sounds like what I?m feeling is very typical. And that?s what I hear from other people too. I don?t know how long I?ll be stuck in this stage. I don?t like it very much.

After church on Sunday, Kristin went to Jessica P?s birthday party at the bowling alley. That was something of a disaster. Originally I was planning to take Billy and Heidi to see Oma and I talked to Elise about taking Kristin after the party. I thought I asked her to pick her up too but I?ve gotten a lot of things screwed up in my head.

Anyway, Heidi didn?t feel well and didn?t want to go to see Oma and so we decided to put it off another week or two. It was getting closer to one and I was getting sleepy but no Elise. Finally I realized I must have misunderstood and so I took off with Kristin. What a mess! Of course, I couldn?t find the bowling alley right away and so we were a half hour late. Kristin was okay with that but I was really shaken and upset.

Afterwards, Elise took the kids to Adventureland on Rt. 110. I tried to sleep but I just couldn?t. My eyes were wide open in spite of being tired and I think it was from thinking of you and missing you. I sort of realized that we should have had a Plan B in case so we could be doing something else. Next time I?ll know?

Linda called and I talked to her for a little while. I also went into the Bereavement Journey chat room because there was supposed to be a medium there but she never showed up and I was really bummed about that. Nancy S (one of the people I write with online for A New Vintage?the online continuation of Falcon Crest) called and we talked a good long time and that was helpful. I felt better.

Steve, the financial advisor, came over to the house before the concert and I opened up a mutual fund account to grow the money. We?ll be okay, it looks like. I need to pay the tax bills and I?ll pay the credit card balances and then I think we can get by. I just still would much rather be living life with you, my love. I miss you so much, I try not to think about it or deal with it.

The girls are still sleeping in our bed and I have not wanted to chase them out because I just do NOT want to be alone. I don?t think I?d sleep well. I still hug Bubba Bear close at night. He still smells of your after shave. Whenever it fades a little I sprinkle more on him.

Billy wants to take summer school classes in math and science so that he will be in a more advanced placement for next year. You?d be proud of him. He and Heidi were both working hard on homework last night. Our kids really are terrific kids in the long run, you know that.

I love you so much. I wear your wedding ring on your chain around my neck. The ring sometimes gets caught between my humongous breasts but it?s okay?it?s safe there and as close to my heart as possible. I still shake my head in wonder?Rich is not coming back. How can that be? It really wasn?t supposed to happen like this?

June 9, 2001
Good morning, my love,

I meant to write to you everyday but it was just too painful yesterday. I didn?t sleep well, didn?t get to bed until almost 3 a.m. I added more pages to the new website. That helped a little bit.

I think it was just emotionally painful more than anything else. I met with my financial advisor and we began discussing the money and making plans and people to contact and stuff like that. We met at the Massapequa Diner, which I thought would be okay until I arrived and sat down to wait for him. Then I realized how many times we?d been to different diners in the past and suddenly it was almost like I could see you sitting across from me like you did so many years ago. That hurt. It hurt talking about your assets. When I came home I was so worn out I went to sleep for a while. When I got up and began to make dinner, I started crying. I missed you, missed your presence, your voice, your comforting arms.

I went online and dealt with this crashing hard drive and I thought to myself, why should I bother with this damn computer? And then I thought, but Rich is not here. I should have spent more time with him?

What really got me was when I went to the message boards. It only takes one in the crowd and this one has had a grudge against me for a long time. Well, she?s back and left an ugly message.

I decided: no more Dark Shadows fan lists or public boards. I?ll stick with the 200 club (yours), the Bereavement Journey, ParentsWithTeens and a few others that I am almost sure this nut does not belong to. Friends tell me not to let the troll stop me from posting but you know what? It?s no fun anymore anyway. I am not getting any pleasure from it.

We?re going to the church picnic today. I?m not sure how long we?re staying. I?m bringing a camera in case we take pictures. I thought we should try. I?m really going to try and have a good time. Later I?ll take the kids to the pool for a dip. I won?t go in because I have my period but I?ll take a shower later. Might pick up something quick for dinner or maybe we?ll be so stuffed from the picnic we won?t need to eat.

I love you so much my darling. I miss you. I?ll write you again later.

June 7, 2001
Good morning sweetie,

Well, this is definitely weird. I typed some more to you last night and also added on some writing prompts to my journal file. I guess I must have saved them to the C drive at home? They?re not here on the disk. I started to feel a little better yesterday after I took a nap. The nurse at Billy?s school called around noon and said he was sick again and so I went to pick him up. Heidi was still feeling kind of yucky today so I told her to stay home too.

Today I?m going to deposit all the money we had in checks and money orders in the house and open up a savings account. I?m supposed to meet with the financial advisor tomorrow and I hope I have all the answers together for him. I know the big outstanding bills are for your funeral, the IRS and the NYS income tax. All of that can be paid for out of the money I?ve gotten from everyone. Yes, it is a help, but I would still rather have you here beside me.

Today I woke up and actually felt happy. I knew I?d had a dream but couldn?t remember what it was about. I don?t know if I dreamed of you. I would like to think I did. I wish I could remember. Heidi?s been better since having a dream about you telling her that you?d always love her. I think that helped her a lot.

It?s funny?I?ve been hearing more from my internet buddies than from family. I did get an email from Linda and Aunt Terry called. That?s about it. I guess I should call them and I will in time and turn. This weekend we were going to go to the picnic at Brady Park sponsored by the Lutheran Church and then we?ll go to the church service again. Sunday afternoon we?ll see your grandma. Next weekend a lot of your family is flying to Chicago to see your cousin Michael get married. The rest of it, well, I?ll just keep playing it by ear.

June 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

oh I got so sick last night! And I feel just about as bad this morning with those same weird gas pains moving all around. Billy?s nurse called around nine and I asked for him to hang in there because if I leave I won?t get paid. I?m hoping he makes it to the end of the day but I really feel lousy.

It was bad enough when I felt sick to my stomach and had the runs but now to have these annoying pains, too! They?re the same ones that made me always wonder if I was having a heart attack but the nurse practitioner said it probably had more to do with what I ate?and the only thing I can think is all the ginger ale I drank yesterday.

Today I have to take Heidi to the doctor for her eczema and then after that we?re going to see Roseanne again. And the computer crashed again! Sometimes it really just pours! I guess all this sickness was inevitable.

Nancy says it would be normal for you to come in our dreams. I hope you are coming in mine and I just don?t remember?

I feel a little better now. I was feeling pretty awful before. I managed to eat some lunch and then I was so relieved when the school nurse called and said Billy was sick and needed to go home. I drove over, picked him up and took him home. Then I took a nap.

I guess what helps make some of this bearable is that there is no rhyme or reason to things right now. You?d be horrified if you saw how the house looks. And I do shopping here and there as needed. Bed time doesn?t really exist anymore. And there are things that I just won?t want to go back to regularly yet?like the bedtimes and shopping on Saturday mornings.

I still have a hard time believing you?re not coming back. I looked at the webpage again today, looked at your face and thought how much I?d like to touch your beard and your face?and now I just can?t.
Of course, some things never change?like the kids? fighting! ;-)

Where are you, my love? Are you watching us now? I love you very much! I miss you!
Love always, Me

P.S.I copied over a journal prompt from my journaling list. ?Transparency. A lot of people these days spend their entire lives trying to present themselves to the world as one thing, while there is a totally different person inside. How transparent a person are you? Do you share a balanced view of yourself to other? Who knows you most "clearly", and how important is that relationship to you??

The last question I can answer first and easiest. The person who knows me most ?clearly? of course is YOU and our relationship was the most important thing to me, although I didn?t always realize it. I think with each other we presented our true selves, warts and all, and I think we loved each other well in spite of the blotches we hid from public view. I tend to be selfish and self-centered but most people don?t realize that. I think maybe I seem to be invested more in the feelings of others than I actually am, maybe giving them the impression that I care more about them. I don?t know?that seems a weird thing to say. That?s a little different now.
What I meant by that is like I would enjoy emailing friends and sharing confidences but I never wanted to talk to them on the phone or to see them. I?m not sure why ? maybe it had to do with holding a part of my life from them, wanting to keep at least some things private. It also had to do with not wanting to spend time, which is also weird. My priorities were you, kids, and computer, not always in that order.

I?ve become a lot better about talking to people on the phone and also with people visiting and returning their visits. I guess with you not being there, I?m missing the focal point in my life and it needs to be filled with something, so friends would be it. I think for your sake, I wish I?d been more welcoming of my friends while you were alive; I think you would have enjoyed getting to know them.
Do I share a balanced view of myself to others? No, not all the time. The less I know someone the more lopsided it is in my favor?putting my best foot forward, I guess. The better I know someone, the more I can trust them to be ?me?. Here at work people think I?m really nice, really helpful, things like that. I guess I am that way inside but it?s not always sincere. I am like this because I do want to appear to be a nice person. I get impatient, though, and it doesn?t show.

I?m trying to let this part of myself become more of my at-home personality. In other words, if I?m impatient with the kids, I try not to get so mad at them. Why should I treat a stranger better than I treat my own kids? And I wish I?d started doing this with you a lot earlier.

For the most part, I think my basic personality does come through. I hide the worst aspects of it but the best aspects are generally true. What do you think, Rich? You would know now?

I had a thought just after lunch and it?s been on my mind worrying at me. You know, we would have talks occasionally about your health and I nagged you a little bit. I wanted you to take care of yourself because I wanted you around for a long time. Sometimes I talked a little bit tough. I said if you got sick and became disabled, we?d really be screwed. You knew that. Once I was really mean and said if something happened chances are you would not die but just be unable to work. I can?t believe I said that.

I didn?t mean it the way it may have sounded?that we?d be better off. Oh, we?ll have the money but I would much rather have you here. I would rather be living in a car if you were still here.

Sometimes I wonder what it was that got in the way of living a healthier life style. The doctors all said if you kept the weight off you could go to about 70 but you seemed not to believe it because this one time you said, ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.?
I don?t get it ? was it something I did? Something I didn?t do? Or was it something that bugged you that you couldn?t tell me what it was because you didn?t know or just couldn?t? I wish I knew?I think maybe if you weren?t so heavy there would have been less strain on your heart. John Candy and Chris Farley died young and it was related to weight?why wasn?t that enough to motivate you? You were trying to hard at the end. I know you were.

And I remember too that you said it was meant to be at this time. So does that mean that even if you?d lost all the weight you?d still be gone? I just keep turning it over in my head?

June 5, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Back to work for me today. I may have picked up some of this virus. I feel a little nauseated and I know that Billy and Kristin have had it so I guess it?s just going to run its course. Today I got my own password to use so I?m thinking I?m going to be here a while, definitely through the end of August. I really like it here so I?m thrilled.

This is one of the journal prompts of the day. I guess you must know by now that I don?t feel like writing much anything else. Maybe I?ll get around to writing our story, fictionalizing it. Maybe it would sell, who knows?

Anyway, the prompt is:
If you could go anywhere or any time you desired, Money not being an object, where would you go? And Why?

Aha! Well, I studied this prompt and thought, ?now what do they mean by I could go any TIME I desired?? Only a Dark Shadows fan would think this way: would I go back to the past? And to when? Yeah, I think I would.

I would go back to 1989 or whenever it was the four of us was at Hopkins. This one doctor said to you, if you would lose 50 pounds, you could live a normal lifespan, to the 70s. Maybe you doubted that. But I remember in the hospital you said that if you?d known you would have lasted this long you?d have taken better care of yourself.

So my first thought is I?d go back with my memory intact and I?d tell you, yes, you will go on another 10 or 12 years at least. And maybe that would do the trick for you and me and we wouldn?t have ballooned up as much as we did. Then again, you told the channeler that it was your time, that it was decided already so maybe it wouldn?t have made a difference.

Okay, so taking the question the other way?if I could go anywhere or anytime I wanted, I would go to Ireland and Germany like we talked about. I would go to get in touch with family I have in Ireland and to get in touch with my roots.

And I would go to Germany because Elfie is nearby and I?d want to see her. I?ve also often wanted to see all the beautiful things that are in Germany?the towns, the cathedrals, the museums, everything. The Rhine, castles, you name it. And I would try to look at it thinking that maybe you could see it with me. So that?s what I would do. And as for when? Well, I?d have to ask Elfie?s advice about that! She says it always rains in Ireland (so I?ve seen from ?Angela?s Ashes?) and I would just want to know when would be best to come to Germany. That?s it.