June 18, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I have a really big muscle spasm in my shoulder and neck. It started yesterday and I really wish you were here to rub it. Heidi tried and it helped a little. I think I?ll have to try a heating pad.

That secretary for the OBGYN?s office called to apologize for the screw-up on Saturday. Apparently this guy WAS supposed to have office hours and what seems to have happened was that he had to go deliver a baby. Well, fine, I said, but someone should have called to let me know. The woman said there was a note there that they called the house and ?left message with son?. I told her I found it hard to believe that my son would withhold the message from me, especially when I came in and was as upset as I was. But Billy?s lied before so I guess I will have to ask him?still, I am going to see this new doctor today and have the thing taken care of. I really wasn?t interested in the excuses of the doctor, legit or not. They could have left a note posted to the door and they certainly could have left someone on staff there to tell people that they hadn?t reached. I know there was at least one other couple that showed up for their appointment.

Today I just feel blah. I just want to be able to go and get this appointment over with. Other deaf clients have their issues too and it?s a strain on me. I feel the panic attacks coming back in the mornings when I?m driving to work. I guess I?m going to have to tell someone soon.

I called a number Roseanne recommended to get the kids started in an 8 week bereavement group that starts in July, July 19th. The woman, Gerri, didn?t think there would be one for spouses until the fall. Isn?t that a hell of a thing? You?d think they?d need more of those groups. The lady did say that when the social worker called I should talk to her. Sometimes they form new groups based on needs and not on schedules so we?ll see. It?s in Bay Shore; I told her I?d be willing to drive to Bay Shore for the kids? sake.

Your old girlfriend Helen has called a couple of times and she emailed too. Sometimes she really is a bit off the wall. Sometimes I talk to her and she?s normal and other times she?s going on chapter and verse about being saved and being in the light and yadda yadda yadda. She seems to think I should be convincing your friend Marlon to become saved and to ask your friend Bob if HE is saved. It makes me squirm. When she talks like that on the phone I just get quiet and don?t say anything. She ?gets? it and either moves on or says she?ll call me back.

Well, sweetie, I?m about talked out for the moment. I don?t know if you can feel how much I miss you and how unreal it all still seems to me. I?m afraid of when the reality does crash down on me. I think that the pain will be awful because I can feel the beginnings of it now.
See you later, my love,
All my love, Me

June 12, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I?ve had lots of computer trouble and other problems ? it almost seemed like there was a conspiracy to keep me from writing. ;-) The hard drive kept crashing again and then when I went to use the kids? computer it turned out that I somehow locked myself out of the journal. And yesterday when I came to work, the computers here wouldn?t even read the disk!

Kristin?s spring concert was last night and you would have been so proud of her. She played really well?they all did, considering they?re just third graders, and then the chorus just sounded lovely. There was one song they sang called ?The Rainbow Connection? and I just cried. Billy put his arm around me. I was thinking about you and hoping that you were enjoying the concert as much as we did. We sat with Ashley?s grandmother and aunt. Later on we meet the P's at Baskin Robbins and I invited them to come back to the house. We talked until after ten at night.

I think you would have liked the P's too and I thought to myself, why didn?t we do this before? I know you wanted to. What the hell was wrong with me? It was just like with Dawn and Jim, Elise and Scott P are really nice too. She?s a computer trouble-shooter and he is a teacher who likes motorcycles and techie stuff. He has everything wired together so that through the computer he can make audio and video copies of stuff. He reminded me a little of you. Apparently he?s not one to put up with BS either. Other than that he was pretty chatty. You could be that way too after you warmed up to people. I don?t know, maybe Scott would have struck you as a bit of a know-it-all too.

Anyway, backtracking a bit, we went to the picnic on Saturday and I thought we?d just stay for a little while, say hello to a few people, and stay long enough to be polite and then go but come back later. At just about the last minute, I decided to take your chair?the one we bought for you and you only sat in it one time. :-( Billy carried it for me and helped set it up near the deaf tables.

I just sat and watched and listened for a while. Hearing those deaf voices was comforting to me. It reminded me of other picnics I?d been to with my parents and their friends at the beach. I felt safe. I didn?t feel like approaching anyone just then, just sat back watching and relaxing.

After a while, though, someone approached me and said hello. They were all on the deaf ministry committee. We talked for a little while and then they brought me to a table to introduce me to the deaf parishioners of the church (there?s only 4 or 5 but there were about 20 or 30 of their friends at the picnic!) and you know what? They all knew my parents, my aunt, my uncle and one remembered me from when I was a kid! So we spent the whole afternoon there talking. I had so much fun and so did the kids. They played and got dirty and sweaty and everyone ended up taking a shower. What a beautiful day it was!

Sunday was harder. We went to church again and I was okay but then during Holy Communion I thought of you and missed you and started to cry a little. This is so weird how I feel. I feel like I?m acting in a play, that none of this is real. But then all of a sudden I?ll get hit with a thought: Rich is not coming back! And it?s like reliving it all over again. I think: no, no, it wasn?t supposed to be like this, it CAN?T be like this?

A friend of mine named Jane Peoples sent me a book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love and I read a page of it and it sounds like what I?m feeling is very typical. And that?s what I hear from other people too. I don?t know how long I?ll be stuck in this stage. I don?t like it very much.

After church on Sunday, Kristin went to Jessica P?s birthday party at the bowling alley. That was something of a disaster. Originally I was planning to take Billy and Heidi to see Oma and I talked to Elise about taking Kristin after the party. I thought I asked her to pick her up too but I?ve gotten a lot of things screwed up in my head.

Anyway, Heidi didn?t feel well and didn?t want to go to see Oma and so we decided to put it off another week or two. It was getting closer to one and I was getting sleepy but no Elise. Finally I realized I must have misunderstood and so I took off with Kristin. What a mess! Of course, I couldn?t find the bowling alley right away and so we were a half hour late. Kristin was okay with that but I was really shaken and upset.

Afterwards, Elise took the kids to Adventureland on Rt. 110. I tried to sleep but I just couldn?t. My eyes were wide open in spite of being tired and I think it was from thinking of you and missing you. I sort of realized that we should have had a Plan B in case so we could be doing something else. Next time I?ll know?

Linda called and I talked to her for a little while. I also went into the Bereavement Journey chat room because there was supposed to be a medium there but she never showed up and I was really bummed about that. Nancy S (one of the people I write with online for A New Vintage?the online continuation of Falcon Crest) called and we talked a good long time and that was helpful. I felt better.

Steve, the financial advisor, came over to the house before the concert and I opened up a mutual fund account to grow the money. We?ll be okay, it looks like. I need to pay the tax bills and I?ll pay the credit card balances and then I think we can get by. I just still would much rather be living life with you, my love. I miss you so much, I try not to think about it or deal with it.

The girls are still sleeping in our bed and I have not wanted to chase them out because I just do NOT want to be alone. I don?t think I?d sleep well. I still hug Bubba Bear close at night. He still smells of your after shave. Whenever it fades a little I sprinkle more on him.

Billy wants to take summer school classes in math and science so that he will be in a more advanced placement for next year. You?d be proud of him. He and Heidi were both working hard on homework last night. Our kids really are terrific kids in the long run, you know that.

I love you so much. I wear your wedding ring on your chain around my neck. The ring sometimes gets caught between my humongous breasts but it?s okay?it?s safe there and as close to my heart as possible. I still shake my head in wonder?Rich is not coming back. How can that be? It really wasn?t supposed to happen like this?

June 9, 2001
Good morning, my love,

I meant to write to you everyday but it was just too painful yesterday. I didn?t sleep well, didn?t get to bed until almost 3 a.m. I added more pages to the new website. That helped a little bit.

I think it was just emotionally painful more than anything else. I met with my financial advisor and we began discussing the money and making plans and people to contact and stuff like that. We met at the Massapequa Diner, which I thought would be okay until I arrived and sat down to wait for him. Then I realized how many times we?d been to different diners in the past and suddenly it was almost like I could see you sitting across from me like you did so many years ago. That hurt. It hurt talking about your assets. When I came home I was so worn out I went to sleep for a while. When I got up and began to make dinner, I started crying. I missed you, missed your presence, your voice, your comforting arms.

I went online and dealt with this crashing hard drive and I thought to myself, why should I bother with this damn computer? And then I thought, but Rich is not here. I should have spent more time with him?

What really got me was when I went to the message boards. It only takes one in the crowd and this one has had a grudge against me for a long time. Well, she?s back and left an ugly message.

I decided: no more Dark Shadows fan lists or public boards. I?ll stick with the 200 club (yours), the Bereavement Journey, ParentsWithTeens and a few others that I am almost sure this nut does not belong to. Friends tell me not to let the troll stop me from posting but you know what? It?s no fun anymore anyway. I am not getting any pleasure from it.

We?re going to the church picnic today. I?m not sure how long we?re staying. I?m bringing a camera in case we take pictures. I thought we should try. I?m really going to try and have a good time. Later I?ll take the kids to the pool for a dip. I won?t go in because I have my period but I?ll take a shower later. Might pick up something quick for dinner or maybe we?ll be so stuffed from the picnic we won?t need to eat.

I love you so much my darling. I miss you. I?ll write you again later.

June 7, 2001
Good morning sweetie,

Well, this is definitely weird. I typed some more to you last night and also added on some writing prompts to my journal file. I guess I must have saved them to the C drive at home? They?re not here on the disk. I started to feel a little better yesterday after I took a nap. The nurse at Billy?s school called around noon and said he was sick again and so I went to pick him up. Heidi was still feeling kind of yucky today so I told her to stay home too.

Today I?m going to deposit all the money we had in checks and money orders in the house and open up a savings account. I?m supposed to meet with the financial advisor tomorrow and I hope I have all the answers together for him. I know the big outstanding bills are for your funeral, the IRS and the NYS income tax. All of that can be paid for out of the money I?ve gotten from everyone. Yes, it is a help, but I would still rather have you here beside me.

Today I woke up and actually felt happy. I knew I?d had a dream but couldn?t remember what it was about. I don?t know if I dreamed of you. I would like to think I did. I wish I could remember. Heidi?s been better since having a dream about you telling her that you?d always love her. I think that helped her a lot.

It?s funny?I?ve been hearing more from my internet buddies than from family. I did get an email from Linda and Aunt Terry called. That?s about it. I guess I should call them and I will in time and turn. This weekend we were going to go to the picnic at Brady Park sponsored by the Lutheran Church and then we?ll go to the church service again. Sunday afternoon we?ll see your grandma. Next weekend a lot of your family is flying to Chicago to see your cousin Michael get married. The rest of it, well, I?ll just keep playing it by ear.

June 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

oh I got so sick last night! And I feel just about as bad this morning with those same weird gas pains moving all around. Billy?s nurse called around nine and I asked for him to hang in there because if I leave I won?t get paid. I?m hoping he makes it to the end of the day but I really feel lousy.

It was bad enough when I felt sick to my stomach and had the runs but now to have these annoying pains, too! They?re the same ones that made me always wonder if I was having a heart attack but the nurse practitioner said it probably had more to do with what I ate?and the only thing I can think is all the ginger ale I drank yesterday.

Today I have to take Heidi to the doctor for her eczema and then after that we?re going to see Roseanne again. And the computer crashed again! Sometimes it really just pours! I guess all this sickness was inevitable.

Nancy says it would be normal for you to come in our dreams. I hope you are coming in mine and I just don?t remember?

I feel a little better now. I was feeling pretty awful before. I managed to eat some lunch and then I was so relieved when the school nurse called and said Billy was sick and needed to go home. I drove over, picked him up and took him home. Then I took a nap.

I guess what helps make some of this bearable is that there is no rhyme or reason to things right now. You?d be horrified if you saw how the house looks. And I do shopping here and there as needed. Bed time doesn?t really exist anymore. And there are things that I just won?t want to go back to regularly yet?like the bedtimes and shopping on Saturday mornings.

I still have a hard time believing you?re not coming back. I looked at the webpage again today, looked at your face and thought how much I?d like to touch your beard and your face?and now I just can?t.
Of course, some things never change?like the kids? fighting! ;-)

Where are you, my love? Are you watching us now? I love you very much! I miss you!
Love always, Me

P.S.I copied over a journal prompt from my journaling list. ?Transparency. A lot of people these days spend their entire lives trying to present themselves to the world as one thing, while there is a totally different person inside. How transparent a person are you? Do you share a balanced view of yourself to other? Who knows you most "clearly", and how important is that relationship to you??

The last question I can answer first and easiest. The person who knows me most ?clearly? of course is YOU and our relationship was the most important thing to me, although I didn?t always realize it. I think with each other we presented our true selves, warts and all, and I think we loved each other well in spite of the blotches we hid from public view. I tend to be selfish and self-centered but most people don?t realize that. I think maybe I seem to be invested more in the feelings of others than I actually am, maybe giving them the impression that I care more about them. I don?t know?that seems a weird thing to say. That?s a little different now.
What I meant by that is like I would enjoy emailing friends and sharing confidences but I never wanted to talk to them on the phone or to see them. I?m not sure why ? maybe it had to do with holding a part of my life from them, wanting to keep at least some things private. It also had to do with not wanting to spend time, which is also weird. My priorities were you, kids, and computer, not always in that order.

I?ve become a lot better about talking to people on the phone and also with people visiting and returning their visits. I guess with you not being there, I?m missing the focal point in my life and it needs to be filled with something, so friends would be it. I think for your sake, I wish I?d been more welcoming of my friends while you were alive; I think you would have enjoyed getting to know them.
Do I share a balanced view of myself to others? No, not all the time. The less I know someone the more lopsided it is in my favor?putting my best foot forward, I guess. The better I know someone, the more I can trust them to be ?me?. Here at work people think I?m really nice, really helpful, things like that. I guess I am that way inside but it?s not always sincere. I am like this because I do want to appear to be a nice person. I get impatient, though, and it doesn?t show.

I?m trying to let this part of myself become more of my at-home personality. In other words, if I?m impatient with the kids, I try not to get so mad at them. Why should I treat a stranger better than I treat my own kids? And I wish I?d started doing this with you a lot earlier.

For the most part, I think my basic personality does come through. I hide the worst aspects of it but the best aspects are generally true. What do you think, Rich? You would know now?

I had a thought just after lunch and it?s been on my mind worrying at me. You know, we would have talks occasionally about your health and I nagged you a little bit. I wanted you to take care of yourself because I wanted you around for a long time. Sometimes I talked a little bit tough. I said if you got sick and became disabled, we?d really be screwed. You knew that. Once I was really mean and said if something happened chances are you would not die but just be unable to work. I can?t believe I said that.

I didn?t mean it the way it may have sounded?that we?d be better off. Oh, we?ll have the money but I would much rather have you here. I would rather be living in a car if you were still here.

Sometimes I wonder what it was that got in the way of living a healthier life style. The doctors all said if you kept the weight off you could go to about 70 but you seemed not to believe it because this one time you said, ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.?
I don?t get it ? was it something I did? Something I didn?t do? Or was it something that bugged you that you couldn?t tell me what it was because you didn?t know or just couldn?t? I wish I knew?I think maybe if you weren?t so heavy there would have been less strain on your heart. John Candy and Chris Farley died young and it was related to weight?why wasn?t that enough to motivate you? You were trying to hard at the end. I know you were.

And I remember too that you said it was meant to be at this time. So does that mean that even if you?d lost all the weight you?d still be gone? I just keep turning it over in my head?

June 5, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Back to work for me today. I may have picked up some of this virus. I feel a little nauseated and I know that Billy and Kristin have had it so I guess it?s just going to run its course. Today I got my own password to use so I?m thinking I?m going to be here a while, definitely through the end of August. I really like it here so I?m thrilled.

This is one of the journal prompts of the day. I guess you must know by now that I don?t feel like writing much anything else. Maybe I?ll get around to writing our story, fictionalizing it. Maybe it would sell, who knows?

Anyway, the prompt is:
If you could go anywhere or any time you desired, Money not being an object, where would you go? And Why?

Aha! Well, I studied this prompt and thought, ?now what do they mean by I could go any TIME I desired?? Only a Dark Shadows fan would think this way: would I go back to the past? And to when? Yeah, I think I would.

I would go back to 1989 or whenever it was the four of us was at Hopkins. This one doctor said to you, if you would lose 50 pounds, you could live a normal lifespan, to the 70s. Maybe you doubted that. But I remember in the hospital you said that if you?d known you would have lasted this long you?d have taken better care of yourself.

So my first thought is I?d go back with my memory intact and I?d tell you, yes, you will go on another 10 or 12 years at least. And maybe that would do the trick for you and me and we wouldn?t have ballooned up as much as we did. Then again, you told the channeler that it was your time, that it was decided already so maybe it wouldn?t have made a difference.

Okay, so taking the question the other way?if I could go anywhere or anytime I wanted, I would go to Ireland and Germany like we talked about. I would go to get in touch with family I have in Ireland and to get in touch with my roots.

And I would go to Germany because Elfie is nearby and I?d want to see her. I?ve also often wanted to see all the beautiful things that are in Germany?the towns, the cathedrals, the museums, everything. The Rhine, castles, you name it. And I would try to look at it thinking that maybe you could see it with me. So that?s what I would do. And as for when? Well, I?d have to ask Elfie?s advice about that! She says it always rains in Ireland (so I?ve seen from ?Angela?s Ashes?) and I would just want to know when would be best to come to Germany. That?s it.

June 4, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Did you see the website? I almost felt like you were looking over my shoulder. I probably worked too long with it because I sure felt the lack of sleep today but it was definitely worth it.

Heidi, Billy, and Kristin have all dreamt about you. Heidi said you came to her and told her you loved her and me too. Kristin dreamt you two were playing together. Billy remembers more like a scene, watching TV and then getting into trouble. Do you come to me in my dreams and I just don?t remember? Is that why I?m doing okay? I did feel a little emotional today at times but I haven?t gone all to pieces?not yet anyway.

I miss you most now, at night. We watched The Perfect Storm this evening and it sure was good. Well, I knew what the outcome was going to be but the storm scenes were magnificent. No, I didn?t watch it for George Clooney. I don?t even find myself all that interested in David Selby anymore. It doesn?t matter that much. Nancy brought me a signed poster of him and?I feel nothing. I?d rather have you but that?s a given.

My cousin Edith called and we talked for a good long time. Georgia is no peachy place to raise a kid either. They?re having problems in THEIR neighborhood with a bratty kid. Our kids are doing okay; they?re so good, Rich. We really can be very proud of these kids. Edith asked if I was going to stay in LI and I said I sure as hell was going to try. I?ve gotten more support here than anywhere else. There?s NO way I?d want to be in Maryland, no way I?d want to go back. There?s nothing for me there. This is home ? it just seems right.

I guess maybe S was right. I do feel you a little, especially in my heart. I?m not as strong without you though. I?m not leaning on the kids to help clean and stuff?I guess that?s a bad thing. But they do help when I ask them to. It?s just that most of the time it?s easier to do things myself.

Are you with your mom now? I?ve been hoping that you were still with her?like maybe part of the time? When you?re not here? I don?t know how it works. All I remember is that exactly one week to the day after I meet your mother, she was killed in a car accident. But I?ll tell more of that story tomorrow. I promised the kids we?d go to bed early tonight.

June 3, 2001
About 1:10 a.m.

Sweetie,
I want to believe that it was you that S channeled to me. Some things she said, I thought, yes, that could be Rich. She said you came through so fast?you?re still earthbound a little bit, she said. You haven?t become adjusted yet to where you are but it sounds wonderful?the ability to have the free time to learn! She said you were a ?fascinating? energy to be near?that you were very intellectual, intellectualizing everything. That sounded like you. She said you seemed shy and that there was still a great deal of emotion?sometimes you would say that you are happy where you are now and other times you?d express grief, missing us?

Oh God, how we miss you Rich! And yet I was comforted by the fact that you wanted it to be this way. You didn?t want me to see you die, that it wasn?t pretty, you said. You said that you knew it was going to happen on a subconscious level and preferred us to find you just as if you were sleeping. You said you could see me sleeping on the bed.

There was some pain, maybe, not much and then you went fast, you saw your mother and angels?
The only thing was, it wasn?t as PERSONAL as the channeler?s message got in "Ghost"?or as John Edward can get. So sometimes it felt right, but other times it didn?t. I was hoping you?d make a reference to ?Casablanca? or something so that I would KNOW for sure. Still, I was comforted. I want to believe this.

Billy got on the phone too. I think he was skeptical because of the reference to talking to him and being surrounded by books, like in a library. Billy thought that you might have brought up the Ducks game you took him to but it could be that the books meant something different. Not a library or a bookstore but that you?re both very smart.

Tomorrow we?re going to church; we?re going to see your grandma. I?m going to get this dumb hard drive fixed once and for all. And Kristin?s going to sleep in our room. I just can?t be alone there right now. It?s too lonely without you; I don?t know that I could fall asleep. I?m trying to go on. Nights are the hardest.

Actually, now it looks like Heidi?s going to sleep in the room with me too. You know, the girls have been grieving more openly recently.

I can?t work on my stories. Nancy, Robin and Cheryl came to see me yesterday and I was so glad to see me. Nancy brought me a signed David Selby poster but I was like eh?it?s just not the same without you. YOU are my true love. It?s YOU I miss. I saw a picture of you with your van dyke beard and I just wanted to cry because I couldn?t scratch at it.

I love you so much. You said you?d always be with me, that you?d try to come to me in my dreams. I would welcome you; I wish I could feel you more.

June 1, 2001
My sweetie,

I thought about making a list of the things I need to do today so I don?t get confused and run in circles. Heidi is having a friend come over today, you remember her?Sharon? And tomorrow Kristin will have Jessica come over. I am having my own hen party tonight with my friends Robin, Cheryl, Nancy and Kay.

Rich, another thing I think about is when you got up in the night. You said you?d gotten a little dizzy and that although you?d just gone to the bathroom you still wet yourself again. I got you another pair of boxers to put on. I should have called an ambulance then. It should have been a wake up signal to something much more serious going on, because when you fainted at work you also wet yourself and you were so embarrassed by it. I feel guilty now and I haven?t been able to tell people because I think I really should have done something. Why didn?t I? Too fuzzy brained? Maybe too confident in the doctor? I?m sorry -- these things really bother me a lot.

I am going to Social Security today too. Many times I have been there as the interpreter but not now. I have to take all this paperwork with me.
We both knew that what counted was NOT money or material wealth. What counted in the long run was you and me. I would say now what counts in the long run is what you do with yourself in this world with the time you have and how you impact on the lives of other people. When the measuring up is done, my love, YOU are/were a very successful man, loving father, devoted husband (always), excellent friend and employee.

I don?t remember if I told about the poem I picked for your card. I thought you would have liked it. It?s an autumn scene in the woods, and I believe the words are by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

I expect to pass through this world but once?
Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature ? let me do it now?
For I shall not pass this way again?

Well, to me, that sort of says it all.

All my love forever.

Support for Widow/ers
I seem to remember her book on death and dying really was like a break through of some kind. I was only half paying attention at the time but it seems everyone was talking about her and her books.

I felt numb for over 4 months after Rich died. Many times I wondered if I was normal to be so emotionally "flat". I did cry sometimes but not nearly "enough", or so it seemed to me. It helped when I went to a widow support group online, Widownet. There I found out that I wasn't so abnormal after all. They have a lot of helpful resources.

There is another very good support site for not only widow/ers, but also for children who have lost parents or siblings, adults who've lost parents or silbings, people who have lost friends ... anyone who's grieving the death of someone else. This is the link:

GROWW

and just another information site about the stages of grief:

Stages of Grief