June 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

oh I got so sick last night! And I feel just about as bad this morning with those same weird gas pains moving all around. Billy?s nurse called around nine and I asked for him to hang in there because if I leave I won?t get paid. I?m hoping he makes it to the end of the day but I really feel lousy.

It was bad enough when I felt sick to my stomach and had the runs but now to have these annoying pains, too! They?re the same ones that made me always wonder if I was having a heart attack but the nurse practitioner said it probably had more to do with what I ate?and the only thing I can think is all the ginger ale I drank yesterday.

Today I have to take Heidi to the doctor for her eczema and then after that we?re going to see Roseanne again. And the computer crashed again! Sometimes it really just pours! I guess all this sickness was inevitable.

Nancy says it would be normal for you to come in our dreams. I hope you are coming in mine and I just don?t remember?

I feel a little better now. I was feeling pretty awful before. I managed to eat some lunch and then I was so relieved when the school nurse called and said Billy was sick and needed to go home. I drove over, picked him up and took him home. Then I took a nap.

I guess what helps make some of this bearable is that there is no rhyme or reason to things right now. You?d be horrified if you saw how the house looks. And I do shopping here and there as needed. Bed time doesn?t really exist anymore. And there are things that I just won?t want to go back to regularly yet?like the bedtimes and shopping on Saturday mornings.

I still have a hard time believing you?re not coming back. I looked at the webpage again today, looked at your face and thought how much I?d like to touch your beard and your face?and now I just can?t.
Of course, some things never change?like the kids? fighting! ;-)

Where are you, my love? Are you watching us now? I love you very much! I miss you!
Love always, Me

P.S.I copied over a journal prompt from my journaling list. ?Transparency. A lot of people these days spend their entire lives trying to present themselves to the world as one thing, while there is a totally different person inside. How transparent a person are you? Do you share a balanced view of yourself to other? Who knows you most "clearly", and how important is that relationship to you??

The last question I can answer first and easiest. The person who knows me most ?clearly? of course is YOU and our relationship was the most important thing to me, although I didn?t always realize it. I think with each other we presented our true selves, warts and all, and I think we loved each other well in spite of the blotches we hid from public view. I tend to be selfish and self-centered but most people don?t realize that. I think maybe I seem to be invested more in the feelings of others than I actually am, maybe giving them the impression that I care more about them. I don?t know?that seems a weird thing to say. That?s a little different now.
What I meant by that is like I would enjoy emailing friends and sharing confidences but I never wanted to talk to them on the phone or to see them. I?m not sure why ? maybe it had to do with holding a part of my life from them, wanting to keep at least some things private. It also had to do with not wanting to spend time, which is also weird. My priorities were you, kids, and computer, not always in that order.

I?ve become a lot better about talking to people on the phone and also with people visiting and returning their visits. I guess with you not being there, I?m missing the focal point in my life and it needs to be filled with something, so friends would be it. I think for your sake, I wish I?d been more welcoming of my friends while you were alive; I think you would have enjoyed getting to know them.
Do I share a balanced view of myself to others? No, not all the time. The less I know someone the more lopsided it is in my favor?putting my best foot forward, I guess. The better I know someone, the more I can trust them to be ?me?. Here at work people think I?m really nice, really helpful, things like that. I guess I am that way inside but it?s not always sincere. I am like this because I do want to appear to be a nice person. I get impatient, though, and it doesn?t show.

I?m trying to let this part of myself become more of my at-home personality. In other words, if I?m impatient with the kids, I try not to get so mad at them. Why should I treat a stranger better than I treat my own kids? And I wish I?d started doing this with you a lot earlier.

For the most part, I think my basic personality does come through. I hide the worst aspects of it but the best aspects are generally true. What do you think, Rich? You would know now?

I had a thought just after lunch and it?s been on my mind worrying at me. You know, we would have talks occasionally about your health and I nagged you a little bit. I wanted you to take care of yourself because I wanted you around for a long time. Sometimes I talked a little bit tough. I said if you got sick and became disabled, we?d really be screwed. You knew that. Once I was really mean and said if something happened chances are you would not die but just be unable to work. I can?t believe I said that.

I didn?t mean it the way it may have sounded?that we?d be better off. Oh, we?ll have the money but I would much rather have you here. I would rather be living in a car if you were still here.

Sometimes I wonder what it was that got in the way of living a healthier life style. The doctors all said if you kept the weight off you could go to about 70 but you seemed not to believe it because this one time you said, ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.?
I don?t get it ? was it something I did? Something I didn?t do? Or was it something that bugged you that you couldn?t tell me what it was because you didn?t know or just couldn?t? I wish I knew?I think maybe if you weren?t so heavy there would have been less strain on your heart. John Candy and Chris Farley died young and it was related to weight?why wasn?t that enough to motivate you? You were trying to hard at the end. I know you were.

And I remember too that you said it was meant to be at this time. So does that mean that even if you?d lost all the weight you?d still be gone? I just keep turning it over in my head?

June 5, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Back to work for me today. I may have picked up some of this virus. I feel a little nauseated and I know that Billy and Kristin have had it so I guess it?s just going to run its course. Today I got my own password to use so I?m thinking I?m going to be here a while, definitely through the end of August. I really like it here so I?m thrilled.

This is one of the journal prompts of the day. I guess you must know by now that I don?t feel like writing much anything else. Maybe I?ll get around to writing our story, fictionalizing it. Maybe it would sell, who knows?

Anyway, the prompt is:
If you could go anywhere or any time you desired, Money not being an object, where would you go? And Why?

Aha! Well, I studied this prompt and thought, ?now what do they mean by I could go any TIME I desired?? Only a Dark Shadows fan would think this way: would I go back to the past? And to when? Yeah, I think I would.

I would go back to 1989 or whenever it was the four of us was at Hopkins. This one doctor said to you, if you would lose 50 pounds, you could live a normal lifespan, to the 70s. Maybe you doubted that. But I remember in the hospital you said that if you?d known you would have lasted this long you?d have taken better care of yourself.

So my first thought is I?d go back with my memory intact and I?d tell you, yes, you will go on another 10 or 12 years at least. And maybe that would do the trick for you and me and we wouldn?t have ballooned up as much as we did. Then again, you told the channeler that it was your time, that it was decided already so maybe it wouldn?t have made a difference.

Okay, so taking the question the other way?if I could go anywhere or anytime I wanted, I would go to Ireland and Germany like we talked about. I would go to get in touch with family I have in Ireland and to get in touch with my roots.

And I would go to Germany because Elfie is nearby and I?d want to see her. I?ve also often wanted to see all the beautiful things that are in Germany?the towns, the cathedrals, the museums, everything. The Rhine, castles, you name it. And I would try to look at it thinking that maybe you could see it with me. So that?s what I would do. And as for when? Well, I?d have to ask Elfie?s advice about that! She says it always rains in Ireland (so I?ve seen from ?Angela?s Ashes?) and I would just want to know when would be best to come to Germany. That?s it.

June 4, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Did you see the website? I almost felt like you were looking over my shoulder. I probably worked too long with it because I sure felt the lack of sleep today but it was definitely worth it.

Heidi, Billy, and Kristin have all dreamt about you. Heidi said you came to her and told her you loved her and me too. Kristin dreamt you two were playing together. Billy remembers more like a scene, watching TV and then getting into trouble. Do you come to me in my dreams and I just don?t remember? Is that why I?m doing okay? I did feel a little emotional today at times but I haven?t gone all to pieces?not yet anyway.

I miss you most now, at night. We watched The Perfect Storm this evening and it sure was good. Well, I knew what the outcome was going to be but the storm scenes were magnificent. No, I didn?t watch it for George Clooney. I don?t even find myself all that interested in David Selby anymore. It doesn?t matter that much. Nancy brought me a signed poster of him and?I feel nothing. I?d rather have you but that?s a given.

My cousin Edith called and we talked for a good long time. Georgia is no peachy place to raise a kid either. They?re having problems in THEIR neighborhood with a bratty kid. Our kids are doing okay; they?re so good, Rich. We really can be very proud of these kids. Edith asked if I was going to stay in LI and I said I sure as hell was going to try. I?ve gotten more support here than anywhere else. There?s NO way I?d want to be in Maryland, no way I?d want to go back. There?s nothing for me there. This is home ? it just seems right.

I guess maybe S was right. I do feel you a little, especially in my heart. I?m not as strong without you though. I?m not leaning on the kids to help clean and stuff?I guess that?s a bad thing. But they do help when I ask them to. It?s just that most of the time it?s easier to do things myself.

Are you with your mom now? I?ve been hoping that you were still with her?like maybe part of the time? When you?re not here? I don?t know how it works. All I remember is that exactly one week to the day after I meet your mother, she was killed in a car accident. But I?ll tell more of that story tomorrow. I promised the kids we?d go to bed early tonight.

June 3, 2001
About 1:10 a.m.

Sweetie,
I want to believe that it was you that S channeled to me. Some things she said, I thought, yes, that could be Rich. She said you came through so fast?you?re still earthbound a little bit, she said. You haven?t become adjusted yet to where you are but it sounds wonderful?the ability to have the free time to learn! She said you were a ?fascinating? energy to be near?that you were very intellectual, intellectualizing everything. That sounded like you. She said you seemed shy and that there was still a great deal of emotion?sometimes you would say that you are happy where you are now and other times you?d express grief, missing us?

Oh God, how we miss you Rich! And yet I was comforted by the fact that you wanted it to be this way. You didn?t want me to see you die, that it wasn?t pretty, you said. You said that you knew it was going to happen on a subconscious level and preferred us to find you just as if you were sleeping. You said you could see me sleeping on the bed.

There was some pain, maybe, not much and then you went fast, you saw your mother and angels?
The only thing was, it wasn?t as PERSONAL as the channeler?s message got in "Ghost"?or as John Edward can get. So sometimes it felt right, but other times it didn?t. I was hoping you?d make a reference to ?Casablanca? or something so that I would KNOW for sure. Still, I was comforted. I want to believe this.

Billy got on the phone too. I think he was skeptical because of the reference to talking to him and being surrounded by books, like in a library. Billy thought that you might have brought up the Ducks game you took him to but it could be that the books meant something different. Not a library or a bookstore but that you?re both very smart.

Tomorrow we?re going to church; we?re going to see your grandma. I?m going to get this dumb hard drive fixed once and for all. And Kristin?s going to sleep in our room. I just can?t be alone there right now. It?s too lonely without you; I don?t know that I could fall asleep. I?m trying to go on. Nights are the hardest.

Actually, now it looks like Heidi?s going to sleep in the room with me too. You know, the girls have been grieving more openly recently.

I can?t work on my stories. Nancy, Robin and Cheryl came to see me yesterday and I was so glad to see me. Nancy brought me a signed David Selby poster but I was like eh?it?s just not the same without you. YOU are my true love. It?s YOU I miss. I saw a picture of you with your van dyke beard and I just wanted to cry because I couldn?t scratch at it.

I love you so much. You said you?d always be with me, that you?d try to come to me in my dreams. I would welcome you; I wish I could feel you more.

June 1, 2001
My sweetie,

I thought about making a list of the things I need to do today so I don?t get confused and run in circles. Heidi is having a friend come over today, you remember her?Sharon? And tomorrow Kristin will have Jessica come over. I am having my own hen party tonight with my friends Robin, Cheryl, Nancy and Kay.

Rich, another thing I think about is when you got up in the night. You said you?d gotten a little dizzy and that although you?d just gone to the bathroom you still wet yourself again. I got you another pair of boxers to put on. I should have called an ambulance then. It should have been a wake up signal to something much more serious going on, because when you fainted at work you also wet yourself and you were so embarrassed by it. I feel guilty now and I haven?t been able to tell people because I think I really should have done something. Why didn?t I? Too fuzzy brained? Maybe too confident in the doctor? I?m sorry -- these things really bother me a lot.

I am going to Social Security today too. Many times I have been there as the interpreter but not now. I have to take all this paperwork with me.
We both knew that what counted was NOT money or material wealth. What counted in the long run was you and me. I would say now what counts in the long run is what you do with yourself in this world with the time you have and how you impact on the lives of other people. When the measuring up is done, my love, YOU are/were a very successful man, loving father, devoted husband (always), excellent friend and employee.

I don?t remember if I told about the poem I picked for your card. I thought you would have liked it. It?s an autumn scene in the woods, and I believe the words are by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

I expect to pass through this world but once?
Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature ? let me do it now?
For I shall not pass this way again?

Well, to me, that sort of says it all.

All my love forever.

Support for Widow/ers
I seem to remember her book on death and dying really was like a break through of some kind. I was only half paying attention at the time but it seems everyone was talking about her and her books.

I felt numb for over 4 months after Rich died. Many times I wondered if I was normal to be so emotionally "flat". I did cry sometimes but not nearly "enough", or so it seemed to me. It helped when I went to a widow support group online, Widownet. There I found out that I wasn't so abnormal after all. They have a lot of helpful resources.

There is another very good support site for not only widow/ers, but also for children who have lost parents or siblings, adults who've lost parents or silbings, people who have lost friends ... anyone who's grieving the death of someone else. This is the link:

GROWW

and just another information site about the stages of grief:

Stages of Grief

May 31, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Today was a topsy turvy kind of day. Claire called and two guys brought your stuff from your desk and cubby. I asked one of the guys, ?Did you know Rich?? and he said something like, yeah we used to smoke together all the time or something like that?were you smoking? God I hope you weren?t that stressed out.

It was really hard looking at your stuff. We took out the rubber plant and put it where it could get light. But then when I looked at your stuffed animals, toys, pictures?well, I just lost it. Especially when I saw the Casablanca figures. I cried and Billy comforted me. Later on Kristin and I looked through a box and she found ten pictures of you and her together and it wasn?t enough and she cried.

Tomorrow I?m going to social security and trying to take care of these forms, trying to keep on track and take care of us all. Janet called tonight and we talked a long time. I bought plants for Annie and Sagi, our neighbors, and also for Janet they have been so kind through all of this. I don?t know how I would have gotten through those first awful days without them.

I still feel like I?m in a dream. I laugh, I talk normally, I carry on?and I look at myself and think, how can you do this? What?s wrong with you? You?ve lost your best friend, your lover, your husband! How can you act like nothing?s happened?

Helen said you would not want to come back now that you have crossed over and are in heaven. I can see the point, there is no pain, it?s glorious, and you?re with our Savior and our Father?why would you want to come back here? It?s just that I feel selfish. I didn?t want you to go. I didn?t have enough time with you. I miss you terribly.

Oh Rich, I wish I could turn the clock back a week, back to Monday and Tuesday. I would do it all different. No pizza dinner. No getting upset about the kids. Or I would have stayed with you when you got up that second time. I just can?t get that out of my head. I love you. I?ll always love you.

May 30, 2001
Hi sweetie,

The kids are still sick. :( Kristin has a temperature and threw up a couple of times. Billy and Heidi just seem to feel icky. We all went to talk to Roseanne today. I think it helped. She was moved to tears. I almost was too but I guess I?m just too numb. It can?t be that I?m accepting of all this. I don?t know.

People at work are great. There is this one lively, friendly teacher there named Gay. She gave me a big hug and she offered to bring food, which I really appreciate for nights when we?re running late or don?t feel like cooking. And I also told her the socialization would be good for me and the kids, too, so I?m hoping. She seems like such a nice, warm person. They are very nice at TRI?just like the people at NPD. Claire forwarded some emails to me that came from Davis. They?re all devastated over there, too.

I did some practical, necessary things today. I talked to a banker about investing money to help it grow?for the kids, for me, the future. And I need to talk to a lawyer about a new will for me. Just stuff like that?

And I talked to Cheryl. You know what? Her father died the same day you did! She?s been having a really hard time. She couldn?t bring herself to call me or visit us at the funeral home but I emailed her about getting together on Friday. She called and talked a long time.

Helen called too. I was probably a little bit jealous when you guys started to correspond but now I see it as a blessing. Helen has a heart of gold too. I?m still glad that I got you but I am happy that you and Helen were able to have closure and were able to become friends again. And about church? I called up Pastor Smith at St. David?s Evangelical Lutheran Church here in Massapequa Park. I don?t know if we?ll like it but we?re going to try. I know you wanted to try a church and we?re going to do it.

I was just sitting here thinking that this reminds me a little of ?It?s A Wonderful Life?. Did you have an idea that you had such a positive effect on people, Rich? So many people loved you. It makes me feel good that you brought joy and pleasure to people and that you helped them so willingly and patiently. What a wonderful man you really were! I am only beginning to appreciate the full extent of that ? I had the narrow viewpoint. I know what you meant to me. I know how you went out of your way so often to make things more comfortable and easy for me ? oh, how I will miss you, my love!

There was a journal prompt today?What guises have blessings taken in your life?

Well, there?s Rich?you are definitely a blessing in my life. My life took a totally different direction once I met you. Like I said, I was sure I wasn?t going to marry. I didn?t think I?d want children. I feel blessed that we found each other again in recent years. We did have some hard times, didn?t we? But you know what? I wouldn?t change any of it if it meant I?d have to give you up. No, I really would not.

In my mind, I?ll imagine that you are here and I will put my arms around you again, feel your arms around me and I will say, ?I love you with all my heart and soul, Rich.? And I?d love to hear you say again, ?do you have any idea how much I love you?? Oh, Rich, I love you the size of the universe, and more than that too. Goodnight, my darling.
All my love

May 28, 2001
Good morning, sweetheart,

It?s such a lovely day outside. It was beautiful yesterday too. Maybe the rains have stopped for awhile?

I still can?t believe that you are gone. You?d say to me, ?Don?t you leave me with the children.? I didn?t think you?d go?not like this, not this soon. I keep thinking that it?s all a mistake, this just can?t be.

I took the kids to the mall to window shop. Kristin got grumpy because the toy stores and a lot of places weren?t opening until 1. We bought clothes, spent probably too much money on clothes and the kids started to argue in the car and I just lost it.

Later I was okay, I took them to Aunt Joyce?s for over an hour and then we went to Bob and Diane?s for a barbecue.

Now Billy seems to be sick, his stomach hurts and he has a temperature. All afternoon he?s been talking, volunteering himself, coming up with these ideas and inventions?you should have seen him with Diane and Robert?s nephew. He was so good. He held the baby and that child just put his head right down on Billy?s shoulder. And now he is sick.

Heidi?s stomach hurts too, and Kristin says she isn?t feeling well. This is all just so hard, and I think why? Why now? We planned to do so much; I wanted more time with you. I wanted to have more opportunities to talk and just have fun with you. I plan to keep on writing to you. I miss you my darling.

May 27, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

Dawn called me yesterday after she and Jim got back to Albany. I think you would have liked Jim very much, and Dawn, too, of course. Jim likes the Mets and has a real common sense attitude about things, and he was very kind to Billy. Billy was just talking away during dinner and Jim didn?t brush him away. And Dawn?I am so touched that they came all the way down here to see you off. It was the first time I?d met Jim and Dawn and it was so sad that this had to be the way we met, but?there will be other times.

I came downstairs this morning and found Billy sleeping on the couch. He got up around 4 I guess. I talked to him about not stuffing his feelings. He?s been so good, Rich, trying to act like a man and he?s been carrying himself off very well, with great dignity and courage. You would be proud of him, I know it.

I am glad for the day we spent at Jones Beach on Easter Sunday. Remember? It was cool but sunny and we thought it would be great just to go down and beach comb a little. The sand was so warm that we were comfortable sitting there while the kids went up and down gathering shells. And you and I began necking like a couple of teenagers. The kids went ?ewwww? but I think inside, it made them feel good to see that we loved each other.

I remember how your beard felt, the texture of your skin; I remember how soft your lips were as we kissed. I rubbed your belly. You know that I always loved to touch you and yes, I am grateful that as the years went by you became less ticklish and sensitive to that because I never tired of caressing you when I was near you.

Anyway, the kids got soaking wet because they said the water wasn?t that cold. Billy dug up some sand crabs and he and the girls and you were absolutely fascinated. I passed pictures around to everyone yesterday.

And there was the most recent day when we went shopping?it was to Walgreen?s, remember? And you picked out the Snoopy notepaper to write letters? We picked up your new lunch bag/cooler and some other things. I think you got to use that lunch bag just a couple of days, sweetheart, but I?m going to take it now. I?m going to try to eat healthy and make salads with the kids the way you used to.

Anyway, I just remember making more outward trips with you recently and it was really encouraging. I wish we hadn?t gotten that pizza dinner Tuesday. I wish I hadn?t been such a baby about having the sinus headache. I think we would have been better off with the left over chicken. This might not have happened?and again, it?s all with the what ifs and woulda coulda shoulda. I should stop that, I know. I feel terrible when I think these things.

Sometimes I catch myself still looking for you and when I realize you are not coming back, I feel devastated.

Janet and I were talking about Ian, he?s really a challenge for her and I was going to loan her The Difficult Child. Heidi and Kristin were sniping at each other and I had to bring them outside so I could talk to Miriam.

I?d invited Janet to come for coffee or tea and my uncle Russell called from California!! It?s been YEARS since I talked to him. I didn?t realize it, but Aunt Lee died last May. So he knows what I am feeling. He had a connection to Lee that I think I had with you, it?s just that he had her longer, 57 years. And I talked to Aunt Joyce?she and Matthew came to the funeral service and I didn?t get much chance to talk to her but we are going to see her tomorrow. I am going to take some pictures of you and me and Jones Beach.

You know what I realized? I don?t think I have your voice on tape anywhere. And all of a sudden, I?m beginning to ?lose? the sound of it. I hate that. I have the picture of us at the Summit looking at me on the desk and I am going to hang up our wedding picture and some other pictures.

Sweetheart, I went to the 200 Club list and I did a search on your posts and I read some of them. My God you were so full of wisdom and great advice for the members. I hope you were just kidding with your comment about not asking to use the computer at home. I would have let you. I wish I?d spent more time offline with you, just like I did most recently, leaning up against you. I miss it, I miss your touch and I miss having you to lean on, literally and figuratively speaking. I miss feeling your arm around my waist in the bed. The girls sleep with me. I know they shouldn?t but even I don?t want to be alone. I haven?t asked them to leave.

I was telling Janet I wished I could talk to you to make sure you are really all right. I would like to know for sure that you weren?t afraid; you didn?t feel abandoned or alone. I wish you?d come to me in a dream or something. I?ve tried to ?feel? you and I?m not sure if I do or not. I guess I need a Whoopie Goldberg character?like from ?Ghost??or maybe even Jonathan Edwards. Rich, I miss you. I know I keep repeating myself but I do?good night my sweetie. I?m going to try to read for a little while