June 5, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Back to work for me today. I may have picked up some of this virus. I feel a little nauseated and I know that Billy and Kristin have had it so I guess it?s just going to run its course. Today I got my own password to use so I?m thinking I?m going to be here a while, definitely through the end of August. I really like it here so I?m thrilled.

This is one of the journal prompts of the day. I guess you must know by now that I don?t feel like writing much anything else. Maybe I?ll get around to writing our story, fictionalizing it. Maybe it would sell, who knows?

Anyway, the prompt is:
If you could go anywhere or any time you desired, Money not being an object, where would you go? And Why?

Aha! Well, I studied this prompt and thought, ?now what do they mean by I could go any TIME I desired?? Only a Dark Shadows fan would think this way: would I go back to the past? And to when? Yeah, I think I would.

I would go back to 1989 or whenever it was the four of us was at Hopkins. This one doctor said to you, if you would lose 50 pounds, you could live a normal lifespan, to the 70s. Maybe you doubted that. But I remember in the hospital you said that if you?d known you would have lasted this long you?d have taken better care of yourself.

So my first thought is I?d go back with my memory intact and I?d tell you, yes, you will go on another 10 or 12 years at least. And maybe that would do the trick for you and me and we wouldn?t have ballooned up as much as we did. Then again, you told the channeler that it was your time, that it was decided already so maybe it wouldn?t have made a difference.

Okay, so taking the question the other way?if I could go anywhere or anytime I wanted, I would go to Ireland and Germany like we talked about. I would go to get in touch with family I have in Ireland and to get in touch with my roots.

And I would go to Germany because Elfie is nearby and I?d want to see her. I?ve also often wanted to see all the beautiful things that are in Germany?the towns, the cathedrals, the museums, everything. The Rhine, castles, you name it. And I would try to look at it thinking that maybe you could see it with me. So that?s what I would do. And as for when? Well, I?d have to ask Elfie?s advice about that! She says it always rains in Ireland (so I?ve seen from ?Angela?s Ashes?) and I would just want to know when would be best to come to Germany. That?s it.

June 4, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Did you see the website? I almost felt like you were looking over my shoulder. I probably worked too long with it because I sure felt the lack of sleep today but it was definitely worth it.

Heidi, Billy, and Kristin have all dreamt about you. Heidi said you came to her and told her you loved her and me too. Kristin dreamt you two were playing together. Billy remembers more like a scene, watching TV and then getting into trouble. Do you come to me in my dreams and I just don?t remember? Is that why I?m doing okay? I did feel a little emotional today at times but I haven?t gone all to pieces?not yet anyway.

I miss you most now, at night. We watched The Perfect Storm this evening and it sure was good. Well, I knew what the outcome was going to be but the storm scenes were magnificent. No, I didn?t watch it for George Clooney. I don?t even find myself all that interested in David Selby anymore. It doesn?t matter that much. Nancy brought me a signed poster of him and?I feel nothing. I?d rather have you but that?s a given.

My cousin Edith called and we talked for a good long time. Georgia is no peachy place to raise a kid either. They?re having problems in THEIR neighborhood with a bratty kid. Our kids are doing okay; they?re so good, Rich. We really can be very proud of these kids. Edith asked if I was going to stay in LI and I said I sure as hell was going to try. I?ve gotten more support here than anywhere else. There?s NO way I?d want to be in Maryland, no way I?d want to go back. There?s nothing for me there. This is home ? it just seems right.

I guess maybe S was right. I do feel you a little, especially in my heart. I?m not as strong without you though. I?m not leaning on the kids to help clean and stuff?I guess that?s a bad thing. But they do help when I ask them to. It?s just that most of the time it?s easier to do things myself.

Are you with your mom now? I?ve been hoping that you were still with her?like maybe part of the time? When you?re not here? I don?t know how it works. All I remember is that exactly one week to the day after I meet your mother, she was killed in a car accident. But I?ll tell more of that story tomorrow. I promised the kids we?d go to bed early tonight.

June 3, 2001
About 1:10 a.m.

Sweetie,
I want to believe that it was you that S channeled to me. Some things she said, I thought, yes, that could be Rich. She said you came through so fast?you?re still earthbound a little bit, she said. You haven?t become adjusted yet to where you are but it sounds wonderful?the ability to have the free time to learn! She said you were a ?fascinating? energy to be near?that you were very intellectual, intellectualizing everything. That sounded like you. She said you seemed shy and that there was still a great deal of emotion?sometimes you would say that you are happy where you are now and other times you?d express grief, missing us?

Oh God, how we miss you Rich! And yet I was comforted by the fact that you wanted it to be this way. You didn?t want me to see you die, that it wasn?t pretty, you said. You said that you knew it was going to happen on a subconscious level and preferred us to find you just as if you were sleeping. You said you could see me sleeping on the bed.

There was some pain, maybe, not much and then you went fast, you saw your mother and angels?
The only thing was, it wasn?t as PERSONAL as the channeler?s message got in "Ghost"?or as John Edward can get. So sometimes it felt right, but other times it didn?t. I was hoping you?d make a reference to ?Casablanca? or something so that I would KNOW for sure. Still, I was comforted. I want to believe this.

Billy got on the phone too. I think he was skeptical because of the reference to talking to him and being surrounded by books, like in a library. Billy thought that you might have brought up the Ducks game you took him to but it could be that the books meant something different. Not a library or a bookstore but that you?re both very smart.

Tomorrow we?re going to church; we?re going to see your grandma. I?m going to get this dumb hard drive fixed once and for all. And Kristin?s going to sleep in our room. I just can?t be alone there right now. It?s too lonely without you; I don?t know that I could fall asleep. I?m trying to go on. Nights are the hardest.

Actually, now it looks like Heidi?s going to sleep in the room with me too. You know, the girls have been grieving more openly recently.

I can?t work on my stories. Nancy, Robin and Cheryl came to see me yesterday and I was so glad to see me. Nancy brought me a signed David Selby poster but I was like eh?it?s just not the same without you. YOU are my true love. It?s YOU I miss. I saw a picture of you with your van dyke beard and I just wanted to cry because I couldn?t scratch at it.

I love you so much. You said you?d always be with me, that you?d try to come to me in my dreams. I would welcome you; I wish I could feel you more.

June 1, 2001
My sweetie,

I thought about making a list of the things I need to do today so I don?t get confused and run in circles. Heidi is having a friend come over today, you remember her?Sharon? And tomorrow Kristin will have Jessica come over. I am having my own hen party tonight with my friends Robin, Cheryl, Nancy and Kay.

Rich, another thing I think about is when you got up in the night. You said you?d gotten a little dizzy and that although you?d just gone to the bathroom you still wet yourself again. I got you another pair of boxers to put on. I should have called an ambulance then. It should have been a wake up signal to something much more serious going on, because when you fainted at work you also wet yourself and you were so embarrassed by it. I feel guilty now and I haven?t been able to tell people because I think I really should have done something. Why didn?t I? Too fuzzy brained? Maybe too confident in the doctor? I?m sorry -- these things really bother me a lot.

I am going to Social Security today too. Many times I have been there as the interpreter but not now. I have to take all this paperwork with me.
We both knew that what counted was NOT money or material wealth. What counted in the long run was you and me. I would say now what counts in the long run is what you do with yourself in this world with the time you have and how you impact on the lives of other people. When the measuring up is done, my love, YOU are/were a very successful man, loving father, devoted husband (always), excellent friend and employee.

I don?t remember if I told about the poem I picked for your card. I thought you would have liked it. It?s an autumn scene in the woods, and I believe the words are by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

I expect to pass through this world but once?
Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature ? let me do it now?
For I shall not pass this way again?

Well, to me, that sort of says it all.

All my love forever.

Support for Widow/ers
I seem to remember her book on death and dying really was like a break through of some kind. I was only half paying attention at the time but it seems everyone was talking about her and her books.

I felt numb for over 4 months after Rich died. Many times I wondered if I was normal to be so emotionally "flat". I did cry sometimes but not nearly "enough", or so it seemed to me. It helped when I went to a widow support group online, Widownet. There I found out that I wasn't so abnormal after all. They have a lot of helpful resources.

There is another very good support site for not only widow/ers, but also for children who have lost parents or siblings, adults who've lost parents or silbings, people who have lost friends ... anyone who's grieving the death of someone else. This is the link:

GROWW

and just another information site about the stages of grief:

Stages of Grief

May 31, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Today was a topsy turvy kind of day. Claire called and two guys brought your stuff from your desk and cubby. I asked one of the guys, ?Did you know Rich?? and he said something like, yeah we used to smoke together all the time or something like that?were you smoking? God I hope you weren?t that stressed out.

It was really hard looking at your stuff. We took out the rubber plant and put it where it could get light. But then when I looked at your stuffed animals, toys, pictures?well, I just lost it. Especially when I saw the Casablanca figures. I cried and Billy comforted me. Later on Kristin and I looked through a box and she found ten pictures of you and her together and it wasn?t enough and she cried.

Tomorrow I?m going to social security and trying to take care of these forms, trying to keep on track and take care of us all. Janet called tonight and we talked a long time. I bought plants for Annie and Sagi, our neighbors, and also for Janet they have been so kind through all of this. I don?t know how I would have gotten through those first awful days without them.

I still feel like I?m in a dream. I laugh, I talk normally, I carry on?and I look at myself and think, how can you do this? What?s wrong with you? You?ve lost your best friend, your lover, your husband! How can you act like nothing?s happened?

Helen said you would not want to come back now that you have crossed over and are in heaven. I can see the point, there is no pain, it?s glorious, and you?re with our Savior and our Father?why would you want to come back here? It?s just that I feel selfish. I didn?t want you to go. I didn?t have enough time with you. I miss you terribly.

Oh Rich, I wish I could turn the clock back a week, back to Monday and Tuesday. I would do it all different. No pizza dinner. No getting upset about the kids. Or I would have stayed with you when you got up that second time. I just can?t get that out of my head. I love you. I?ll always love you.

May 30, 2001
Hi sweetie,

The kids are still sick. :( Kristin has a temperature and threw up a couple of times. Billy and Heidi just seem to feel icky. We all went to talk to Roseanne today. I think it helped. She was moved to tears. I almost was too but I guess I?m just too numb. It can?t be that I?m accepting of all this. I don?t know.

People at work are great. There is this one lively, friendly teacher there named Gay. She gave me a big hug and she offered to bring food, which I really appreciate for nights when we?re running late or don?t feel like cooking. And I also told her the socialization would be good for me and the kids, too, so I?m hoping. She seems like such a nice, warm person. They are very nice at TRI?just like the people at NPD. Claire forwarded some emails to me that came from Davis. They?re all devastated over there, too.

I did some practical, necessary things today. I talked to a banker about investing money to help it grow?for the kids, for me, the future. And I need to talk to a lawyer about a new will for me. Just stuff like that?

And I talked to Cheryl. You know what? Her father died the same day you did! She?s been having a really hard time. She couldn?t bring herself to call me or visit us at the funeral home but I emailed her about getting together on Friday. She called and talked a long time.

Helen called too. I was probably a little bit jealous when you guys started to correspond but now I see it as a blessing. Helen has a heart of gold too. I?m still glad that I got you but I am happy that you and Helen were able to have closure and were able to become friends again. And about church? I called up Pastor Smith at St. David?s Evangelical Lutheran Church here in Massapequa Park. I don?t know if we?ll like it but we?re going to try. I know you wanted to try a church and we?re going to do it.

I was just sitting here thinking that this reminds me a little of ?It?s A Wonderful Life?. Did you have an idea that you had such a positive effect on people, Rich? So many people loved you. It makes me feel good that you brought joy and pleasure to people and that you helped them so willingly and patiently. What a wonderful man you really were! I am only beginning to appreciate the full extent of that ? I had the narrow viewpoint. I know what you meant to me. I know how you went out of your way so often to make things more comfortable and easy for me ? oh, how I will miss you, my love!

There was a journal prompt today?What guises have blessings taken in your life?

Well, there?s Rich?you are definitely a blessing in my life. My life took a totally different direction once I met you. Like I said, I was sure I wasn?t going to marry. I didn?t think I?d want children. I feel blessed that we found each other again in recent years. We did have some hard times, didn?t we? But you know what? I wouldn?t change any of it if it meant I?d have to give you up. No, I really would not.

In my mind, I?ll imagine that you are here and I will put my arms around you again, feel your arms around me and I will say, ?I love you with all my heart and soul, Rich.? And I?d love to hear you say again, ?do you have any idea how much I love you?? Oh, Rich, I love you the size of the universe, and more than that too. Goodnight, my darling.
All my love

May 28, 2001
Good morning, sweetheart,

It?s such a lovely day outside. It was beautiful yesterday too. Maybe the rains have stopped for awhile?

I still can?t believe that you are gone. You?d say to me, ?Don?t you leave me with the children.? I didn?t think you?d go?not like this, not this soon. I keep thinking that it?s all a mistake, this just can?t be.

I took the kids to the mall to window shop. Kristin got grumpy because the toy stores and a lot of places weren?t opening until 1. We bought clothes, spent probably too much money on clothes and the kids started to argue in the car and I just lost it.

Later I was okay, I took them to Aunt Joyce?s for over an hour and then we went to Bob and Diane?s for a barbecue.

Now Billy seems to be sick, his stomach hurts and he has a temperature. All afternoon he?s been talking, volunteering himself, coming up with these ideas and inventions?you should have seen him with Diane and Robert?s nephew. He was so good. He held the baby and that child just put his head right down on Billy?s shoulder. And now he is sick.

Heidi?s stomach hurts too, and Kristin says she isn?t feeling well. This is all just so hard, and I think why? Why now? We planned to do so much; I wanted more time with you. I wanted to have more opportunities to talk and just have fun with you. I plan to keep on writing to you. I miss you my darling.

May 27, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

Dawn called me yesterday after she and Jim got back to Albany. I think you would have liked Jim very much, and Dawn, too, of course. Jim likes the Mets and has a real common sense attitude about things, and he was very kind to Billy. Billy was just talking away during dinner and Jim didn?t brush him away. And Dawn?I am so touched that they came all the way down here to see you off. It was the first time I?d met Jim and Dawn and it was so sad that this had to be the way we met, but?there will be other times.

I came downstairs this morning and found Billy sleeping on the couch. He got up around 4 I guess. I talked to him about not stuffing his feelings. He?s been so good, Rich, trying to act like a man and he?s been carrying himself off very well, with great dignity and courage. You would be proud of him, I know it.

I am glad for the day we spent at Jones Beach on Easter Sunday. Remember? It was cool but sunny and we thought it would be great just to go down and beach comb a little. The sand was so warm that we were comfortable sitting there while the kids went up and down gathering shells. And you and I began necking like a couple of teenagers. The kids went ?ewwww? but I think inside, it made them feel good to see that we loved each other.

I remember how your beard felt, the texture of your skin; I remember how soft your lips were as we kissed. I rubbed your belly. You know that I always loved to touch you and yes, I am grateful that as the years went by you became less ticklish and sensitive to that because I never tired of caressing you when I was near you.

Anyway, the kids got soaking wet because they said the water wasn?t that cold. Billy dug up some sand crabs and he and the girls and you were absolutely fascinated. I passed pictures around to everyone yesterday.

And there was the most recent day when we went shopping?it was to Walgreen?s, remember? And you picked out the Snoopy notepaper to write letters? We picked up your new lunch bag/cooler and some other things. I think you got to use that lunch bag just a couple of days, sweetheart, but I?m going to take it now. I?m going to try to eat healthy and make salads with the kids the way you used to.

Anyway, I just remember making more outward trips with you recently and it was really encouraging. I wish we hadn?t gotten that pizza dinner Tuesday. I wish I hadn?t been such a baby about having the sinus headache. I think we would have been better off with the left over chicken. This might not have happened?and again, it?s all with the what ifs and woulda coulda shoulda. I should stop that, I know. I feel terrible when I think these things.

Sometimes I catch myself still looking for you and when I realize you are not coming back, I feel devastated.

Janet and I were talking about Ian, he?s really a challenge for her and I was going to loan her The Difficult Child. Heidi and Kristin were sniping at each other and I had to bring them outside so I could talk to Miriam.

I?d invited Janet to come for coffee or tea and my uncle Russell called from California!! It?s been YEARS since I talked to him. I didn?t realize it, but Aunt Lee died last May. So he knows what I am feeling. He had a connection to Lee that I think I had with you, it?s just that he had her longer, 57 years. And I talked to Aunt Joyce?she and Matthew came to the funeral service and I didn?t get much chance to talk to her but we are going to see her tomorrow. I am going to take some pictures of you and me and Jones Beach.

You know what I realized? I don?t think I have your voice on tape anywhere. And all of a sudden, I?m beginning to ?lose? the sound of it. I hate that. I have the picture of us at the Summit looking at me on the desk and I am going to hang up our wedding picture and some other pictures.

Sweetheart, I went to the 200 Club list and I did a search on your posts and I read some of them. My God you were so full of wisdom and great advice for the members. I hope you were just kidding with your comment about not asking to use the computer at home. I would have let you. I wish I?d spent more time offline with you, just like I did most recently, leaning up against you. I miss it, I miss your touch and I miss having you to lean on, literally and figuratively speaking. I miss feeling your arm around my waist in the bed. The girls sleep with me. I know they shouldn?t but even I don?t want to be alone. I haven?t asked them to leave.

I was telling Janet I wished I could talk to you to make sure you are really all right. I would like to know for sure that you weren?t afraid; you didn?t feel abandoned or alone. I wish you?d come to me in a dream or something. I?ve tried to ?feel? you and I?m not sure if I do or not. I guess I need a Whoopie Goldberg character?like from ?Ghost??or maybe even Jonathan Edwards. Rich, I miss you. I know I keep repeating myself but I do?good night my sweetie. I?m going to try to read for a little while

May 26, 2001
Good morning darling,

I know we talked about how you didn?t want the whole funeral scene, the wake and all of that. I went along with your dad because I realize now that the family needs to have closure. They all needed to see you one more time. But the rest of it, I hope that you feel that I did what you wanted. Your eyes, your skin and bones and other tissue was donated to help others. I don?t know how much that contributed to how different you looked.

You did look different. There?s just no getting around that fact, but it was still you and so I wasn?t afraid to touch or kiss you. It?s different for the kids. This is the first funeral they?ve been to and it?s so heart breaking. I?m not sure what goes on in Billy?s mind?you would know that now and not me. He?s being so strong and trying to comfort everyone else. The girls were only able to take a little bit of it and then they just could not handle it anymore.

So many of your friends, my friends, and people from the school showed up. Your co-workers loved you very much. So many of Billy?s teachers came, I was truly over whelmed. There was even a boy from his class. A lot of my friends came, Robin & Dan, Nancy Kersey and her roommate, Jim and Dawn drove down from Albany to be here?I was just so very moved.
Your hand felt real and soft to the touch, and I would hold it and rub your belly with my other hand the way I used to do when we were in bed. I longed to put my head on your shoulder the way I used to. I did try a little. I did caress your beard and your hair and cheek. That was a little harder. You were cold and hard as stone to the touch. I?m not sure why, if it was the preservatives or because of the surgeries. It was comforting to be able to touch you again though for a few more last times.
I hate to part with you. I didn?t want you to leave us, and I don?t think you wanted to either. I won?t know what happened in your final hours or minutes that you were still alive, and I guess I will never know. I know that the night before you said to me, ?I?m sorry to keep putting you through this? but still, I can?t believe?as a couple of people suggested?that you wanted me to go ahead and go to bed, go to sleep because you didn?t want me to see what was going to happen. Did you sense anything? I wish I knew. I didn?t hear you call out for me or for Billy and I didn?t hear you fall to the floor. I thought surely I would have heard that?I just miss you so much, Rich.

We got flowers, cards, Mass cards, and donations from lots and lots of people. I haven?t looked at everything yet. It?s very overwhelming. There?s a lot of stuff, lots and lots of it. Our refrigerator is filled to over flowing, there were many, many, many envelopes?deliveries at the door And the schools took up a collection and you would not believe how much there is. Your coworkers took up a collection, too.

Today is dreary, gloomy and rainy too. Today will be a sad day. It?s the last day I will get to see you and touch you until we are joined again in heaven?and I invited people to come back to the house. There is just so much cake and cookies and food, it?ll all go bad I?m sure. After the service, your body will be cremated and then two days later I can pick up your ashes or leave them until I decide what I want to do. I thought maybe a place the two of us could be together would be nice. Actually, what I told everyone was that when I go, I would like for our ashes to be intermingled, either to fertilize flowers or scattered into the wind.

Rich, I have been telling everyone that every year that I had with you has been a blessing and that the three greatest gifts I?ve had are the children. And the miraculous gift is the we of us. I think that you know now that I never would have left you no matter what happened, no matter the cost?going to a hospital, taking care of you if I had to, all of it I would have done without question because I love you. I still love you.
With all my heart

P.S. The service was weird. I guess you never get to say all the things you want to say to someone. I dropped Kristin off with her friend Jessica and Heidi came home. She was grumpy and sad and very out of sorts. She was angry, too. She wanted to know why God let good people die but bad people like Timothy McVeigh are still living. I tried to remember what I read from When Bad Things Happen to Good People that Pastor Frank recommended once and I could not remember a single solitary thing. All I knew was that Heidi is right: life is not fair.

I went and held your hand and caressed your hair and talked to you a good long time, all little scattered thoughts and feelings that really didn?t make a lot of sense. I held your arm, tried to rest my head on your shoulder, and I kissed you. I don?t know what other people thought. I don?t care. I loved you, I love you still.

Pastor John Church came from St. Luke?s Lutheran Church. He talked to me a long time about you, about our life together, about the kids?and then we went in for the service. I sat next to your grandmother and held her hand. Your grandma is so strong! There was a bit of the usual sibling controversy because Heidi wanted to sit next to me and so did Kristin. It never ends, does it?? The pastor was really nice, I liked him. He knows of a deaf mission at St. David?s Church and there is also bereavement counseling of some type there. The pastors? are another couple team, named Smith. He was going to contact me with their name. You and I talked about going back to church; well I guess I should follow through, huh?

I had the family come back to the house for cold cuts and coffee cakes and such and got invited to my cousin Bob?s for Memorial Day. I?m going to take the kids and go. Tonie came over again, and Aunt Joyce and Matt were here today too. Anyway, you?d wanted to contact them. You said, ?I don?t understand why you don?t call? and I regret I waited. I think you enjoyed their company.

I guess you know how much I ache inside, missing you. More cards came today and a thank you from the Organ Donor Society. I got some material on bereavement and something called the ?Widow?s Walk?. The people from TRI sent a card and some money; too?I am so overwhelmed by the kindness of people.

Anyway, it?s weird because now it?s over. I won?t see you again until we meet again in the afterlife. I only have my pictures of you and my memories. Even touching your lifeless body was of some comfort to me. Now ? well, I just about doused your after shave all over these stuffed animals. I figure I?ll keep doing it to remind me of how you smelled.
Damn, this is so hard.