May 27, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

Dawn called me yesterday after she and Jim got back to Albany. I think you would have liked Jim very much, and Dawn, too, of course. Jim likes the Mets and has a real common sense attitude about things, and he was very kind to Billy. Billy was just talking away during dinner and Jim didn?t brush him away. And Dawn?I am so touched that they came all the way down here to see you off. It was the first time I?d met Jim and Dawn and it was so sad that this had to be the way we met, but?there will be other times.

I came downstairs this morning and found Billy sleeping on the couch. He got up around 4 I guess. I talked to him about not stuffing his feelings. He?s been so good, Rich, trying to act like a man and he?s been carrying himself off very well, with great dignity and courage. You would be proud of him, I know it.

I am glad for the day we spent at Jones Beach on Easter Sunday. Remember? It was cool but sunny and we thought it would be great just to go down and beach comb a little. The sand was so warm that we were comfortable sitting there while the kids went up and down gathering shells. And you and I began necking like a couple of teenagers. The kids went ?ewwww? but I think inside, it made them feel good to see that we loved each other.

I remember how your beard felt, the texture of your skin; I remember how soft your lips were as we kissed. I rubbed your belly. You know that I always loved to touch you and yes, I am grateful that as the years went by you became less ticklish and sensitive to that because I never tired of caressing you when I was near you.

Anyway, the kids got soaking wet because they said the water wasn?t that cold. Billy dug up some sand crabs and he and the girls and you were absolutely fascinated. I passed pictures around to everyone yesterday.

And there was the most recent day when we went shopping?it was to Walgreen?s, remember? And you picked out the Snoopy notepaper to write letters? We picked up your new lunch bag/cooler and some other things. I think you got to use that lunch bag just a couple of days, sweetheart, but I?m going to take it now. I?m going to try to eat healthy and make salads with the kids the way you used to.

Anyway, I just remember making more outward trips with you recently and it was really encouraging. I wish we hadn?t gotten that pizza dinner Tuesday. I wish I hadn?t been such a baby about having the sinus headache. I think we would have been better off with the left over chicken. This might not have happened?and again, it?s all with the what ifs and woulda coulda shoulda. I should stop that, I know. I feel terrible when I think these things.

Sometimes I catch myself still looking for you and when I realize you are not coming back, I feel devastated.

Janet and I were talking about Ian, he?s really a challenge for her and I was going to loan her The Difficult Child. Heidi and Kristin were sniping at each other and I had to bring them outside so I could talk to Miriam.

I?d invited Janet to come for coffee or tea and my uncle Russell called from California!! It?s been YEARS since I talked to him. I didn?t realize it, but Aunt Lee died last May. So he knows what I am feeling. He had a connection to Lee that I think I had with you, it?s just that he had her longer, 57 years. And I talked to Aunt Joyce?she and Matthew came to the funeral service and I didn?t get much chance to talk to her but we are going to see her tomorrow. I am going to take some pictures of you and me and Jones Beach.

You know what I realized? I don?t think I have your voice on tape anywhere. And all of a sudden, I?m beginning to ?lose? the sound of it. I hate that. I have the picture of us at the Summit looking at me on the desk and I am going to hang up our wedding picture and some other pictures.

Sweetheart, I went to the 200 Club list and I did a search on your posts and I read some of them. My God you were so full of wisdom and great advice for the members. I hope you were just kidding with your comment about not asking to use the computer at home. I would have let you. I wish I?d spent more time offline with you, just like I did most recently, leaning up against you. I miss it, I miss your touch and I miss having you to lean on, literally and figuratively speaking. I miss feeling your arm around my waist in the bed. The girls sleep with me. I know they shouldn?t but even I don?t want to be alone. I haven?t asked them to leave.

I was telling Janet I wished I could talk to you to make sure you are really all right. I would like to know for sure that you weren?t afraid; you didn?t feel abandoned or alone. I wish you?d come to me in a dream or something. I?ve tried to ?feel? you and I?m not sure if I do or not. I guess I need a Whoopie Goldberg character?like from ?Ghost??or maybe even Jonathan Edwards. Rich, I miss you. I know I keep repeating myself but I do?good night my sweetie. I?m going to try to read for a little while

May 26, 2001
Good morning darling,

I know we talked about how you didn?t want the whole funeral scene, the wake and all of that. I went along with your dad because I realize now that the family needs to have closure. They all needed to see you one more time. But the rest of it, I hope that you feel that I did what you wanted. Your eyes, your skin and bones and other tissue was donated to help others. I don?t know how much that contributed to how different you looked.

You did look different. There?s just no getting around that fact, but it was still you and so I wasn?t afraid to touch or kiss you. It?s different for the kids. This is the first funeral they?ve been to and it?s so heart breaking. I?m not sure what goes on in Billy?s mind?you would know that now and not me. He?s being so strong and trying to comfort everyone else. The girls were only able to take a little bit of it and then they just could not handle it anymore.

So many of your friends, my friends, and people from the school showed up. Your co-workers loved you very much. So many of Billy?s teachers came, I was truly over whelmed. There was even a boy from his class. A lot of my friends came, Robin & Dan, Nancy Kersey and her roommate, Jim and Dawn drove down from Albany to be here?I was just so very moved.
Your hand felt real and soft to the touch, and I would hold it and rub your belly with my other hand the way I used to do when we were in bed. I longed to put my head on your shoulder the way I used to. I did try a little. I did caress your beard and your hair and cheek. That was a little harder. You were cold and hard as stone to the touch. I?m not sure why, if it was the preservatives or because of the surgeries. It was comforting to be able to touch you again though for a few more last times.
I hate to part with you. I didn?t want you to leave us, and I don?t think you wanted to either. I won?t know what happened in your final hours or minutes that you were still alive, and I guess I will never know. I know that the night before you said to me, ?I?m sorry to keep putting you through this? but still, I can?t believe?as a couple of people suggested?that you wanted me to go ahead and go to bed, go to sleep because you didn?t want me to see what was going to happen. Did you sense anything? I wish I knew. I didn?t hear you call out for me or for Billy and I didn?t hear you fall to the floor. I thought surely I would have heard that?I just miss you so much, Rich.

We got flowers, cards, Mass cards, and donations from lots and lots of people. I haven?t looked at everything yet. It?s very overwhelming. There?s a lot of stuff, lots and lots of it. Our refrigerator is filled to over flowing, there were many, many, many envelopes?deliveries at the door And the schools took up a collection and you would not believe how much there is. Your coworkers took up a collection, too.

Today is dreary, gloomy and rainy too. Today will be a sad day. It?s the last day I will get to see you and touch you until we are joined again in heaven?and I invited people to come back to the house. There is just so much cake and cookies and food, it?ll all go bad I?m sure. After the service, your body will be cremated and then two days later I can pick up your ashes or leave them until I decide what I want to do. I thought maybe a place the two of us could be together would be nice. Actually, what I told everyone was that when I go, I would like for our ashes to be intermingled, either to fertilize flowers or scattered into the wind.

Rich, I have been telling everyone that every year that I had with you has been a blessing and that the three greatest gifts I?ve had are the children. And the miraculous gift is the we of us. I think that you know now that I never would have left you no matter what happened, no matter the cost?going to a hospital, taking care of you if I had to, all of it I would have done without question because I love you. I still love you.
With all my heart

P.S. The service was weird. I guess you never get to say all the things you want to say to someone. I dropped Kristin off with her friend Jessica and Heidi came home. She was grumpy and sad and very out of sorts. She was angry, too. She wanted to know why God let good people die but bad people like Timothy McVeigh are still living. I tried to remember what I read from When Bad Things Happen to Good People that Pastor Frank recommended once and I could not remember a single solitary thing. All I knew was that Heidi is right: life is not fair.

I went and held your hand and caressed your hair and talked to you a good long time, all little scattered thoughts and feelings that really didn?t make a lot of sense. I held your arm, tried to rest my head on your shoulder, and I kissed you. I don?t know what other people thought. I don?t care. I loved you, I love you still.

Pastor John Church came from St. Luke?s Lutheran Church. He talked to me a long time about you, about our life together, about the kids?and then we went in for the service. I sat next to your grandmother and held her hand. Your grandma is so strong! There was a bit of the usual sibling controversy because Heidi wanted to sit next to me and so did Kristin. It never ends, does it?? The pastor was really nice, I liked him. He knows of a deaf mission at St. David?s Church and there is also bereavement counseling of some type there. The pastors? are another couple team, named Smith. He was going to contact me with their name. You and I talked about going back to church; well I guess I should follow through, huh?

I had the family come back to the house for cold cuts and coffee cakes and such and got invited to my cousin Bob?s for Memorial Day. I?m going to take the kids and go. Tonie came over again, and Aunt Joyce and Matt were here today too. Anyway, you?d wanted to contact them. You said, ?I don?t understand why you don?t call? and I regret I waited. I think you enjoyed their company.

I guess you know how much I ache inside, missing you. More cards came today and a thank you from the Organ Donor Society. I got some material on bereavement and something called the ?Widow?s Walk?. The people from TRI sent a card and some money; too?I am so overwhelmed by the kindness of people.

Anyway, it?s weird because now it?s over. I won?t see you again until we meet again in the afterlife. I only have my pictures of you and my memories. Even touching your lifeless body was of some comfort to me. Now ? well, I just about doused your after shave all over these stuffed animals. I figure I?ll keep doing it to remind me of how you smelled.
Damn, this is so hard.

May 25, 2001
Good morning, my love,

Today has been as cold and dreary and rainy as it has been all week. We?re having two visitations with you today, one this afternoon and one this evening. I talked with many of your relatives yesterday and your Aunt Terri and I nearly flooded Long Island with our tears. Billy is busy making a cross stitch for the visitation?he?s hoping to finish it. I?m not sure that he can but I didn?t want to discourage him. Heidi?s going to finish your sewing project. The girls made zoom-in pictures of you from the computer. I just feel this ache; a piece of me is missing and that is you.

I found those stupid black pants that caused the big search on Monday night and as I looked at them I wondered how much they contributed to all of this. Questions, questions, recriminations, and more questions. If I?d looked more carefully?if we hadn?t had the pizza dinner?if I?d just taken you to the emergency room that second time maybe it would all be different. I just keep thinking to myself that I should have known better?I think you were trying not to scare me. You always wanted to protect me from that and you even said, ?I?m sorry you have to keep going through this.? But I would go through it willingly if I had you back.

I?ve done some things mechanically in order to help the kids and me. I opened up a checking account because there are many, many friends who want to send money to help us. I am going to apply for survivor benefits for the children but I am going to keep working. If I can swing the COBRA I?m going to do it and deduct it from our taxes. I?m going to try and hang in here if I can and see what happens.

I?ve stressed a lot about things but always ultimately I was comforted by your presence and your ?we?ll get through this.? I almost hear you saying it now. I would like to think you ARE saying it to me. I would like to think that you are here, watching over us. I don?t know if I?m supposed to feel your presence or just KNOW it. I?m just so confused and lonely for you.

I don?t think you wanted to leave us. Someone said (to make me feel better I guess) that maybe you had me go back upstairs because you sensed something was going to happen and didn?t want it to be in front of me. I had this feeling I should have stayed with you. I guess I could go on with this forever and ever. I think I could accept it better if I?d stayed with you and KNEW for sure there was nothing I could have done to save you. Well, like I said, sweetheart, I am full of self-recriminations today, justified or not.

Oh, baby, I miss you so much?.

May 24, 2001
My darling Rich,

I didn?t realize that I wouldn?t be able to see or talk to you after late last night. There is so much more that I would have told you. I really hope and pray that you are in a better place, with your mother, maybe and that you know how much all of us really loved you. I am so sorry that I didn?t stay downstairs with you when you came down, sorrier still that we didn?t go to the emergency room or call the doctor again when you still felt your heart racing at 1 a.m. I honestly believed that you would be all right in the morning and that we?d just end up going to the doctor again.

The doctors tell me that whatever happened, whatever caused your heart rhythm to decompensate probably happened fast, and they said you didn?t feel any pain at all. I hope they aren?t lying to me. Even more than that, I want to believe that life goes on after death and that you are still there, either with us or watching us.

Did you suspect at all this was going to happen? I go back over my head and I think about what you said to me, about you being sorry I had to ?keep going through this?. I hope that you know what I told you was true?we got married for better or for worse. And we did have better; it was all the little pieces in between the worse.

I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you again. I wish that you could hold me. I?m going to miss how you would stroke my arm, caress my hair or rub my shoulders. I?m going to miss your kisses and caresses. I don?t think anyone else ever wanted me as much as you did. Most of all I?m going to miss you. Your voice, how you always looked out for me and tried to make things easier for me?I loved you, I love you still. I feel as if this is just a bad dream sometimes and that I will wake up and see you looking at me, wondering what is wrong with me. I wish it was so. It hurts to be without you. My only consolation in all this is the belief that you are in a better place and not suffering anymore. I wish you could tell me. I wish I could talk to you and hold you just once more, just like in the movie ?Ghost?.

The kids are all broken up about this. They?re very good kids, you?d be proud of them. I know that you loved them and I think you now know how much they loved and miss you. They were all wearing your clothes or holding your cane. Kristin dressed Boo-Boo, the stuffed bear you gave me, in your shirt and hat. Both the girls have been crying for you a lot and so has Billy. He said to me last night, ?I realize now that Dad wasn?t yelling because he was mad at me, he just wanted me to take better care of my stuff.? He has your GI Joe again?I think he?s old enough now. I hope he?ll take good care of it.
Heidi?s been writing stories?Kristin, too, and Billy couldn?t sleep last night and wrote a poem about you. He and I are both coming to grips with finding you on the floor. I am struggling with feelings of guilt and sadness?I don?t know if my staying with you would have saved you, but you wouldn?t have been alone?and Billy came down and found you and when he called to me, I knew that you were already gone. I just wish I?d been there.

This is what Billy wrote:

Oh, Dad, why did you have to die?
Now I have to try not to cry.
With this poem will be most sincere,
You are the one we hold dear.
I could not believe when I saw you there.
You felt cold; I really did care.
Mom woke up and was shook
When I told her of you, and she had to look.
I saw you lying on the floor.
I could not believe you were no more.
I checked your pulse and breath; you had none,
And with you we had so much fun.
I would take everything I have and sell
Just to hear you give another yell.
Maybe you can spend time with your mother.
I hope, at least, you see each other.
I loved it when you would not watch a cartoon,
I would give them up to see you soon.
Where there, I saw the phone
But you could not dial; you died alone.
We tried to get someone to keep you alive.
But you, they could not revive.
We were all incomprehensibly sad,
To see you again, we would have been glad.
I could spend my entire life writing in a cage,
And I still would not be able to express my love on a page.
Of you, I am the number one fan,
But now you have died, and I must be the Man.
In your strength, I had belief,
But now your death has given me grief.
You pulled through last time and so I thought,
?Maybe you will be okay?, but your life was whisked to naught.
For your death, I was not set
But at least I can give you my longest poem yet.
Today, we watched ?Beauty and the Beat?,
You?ve reminded me of Gaston the least.
Strangely, with the beast there was something I know,
He is like you, with a nice guy buried below.
We know you don?t want flowers (you explained very later)
So to Marfan research we?ll donate.
We know you loved us, so just as such,
We?ll remember you and love you very much.

As you have read, my dad died of Marfan syndrome. Not long before that, he had requested donations to the Marfan Research Foundation instead of flowers, if he died. It may be too late for him now, but there are still others who can be saved. If you can, please make a donation to them.

By the way, for any kids with tough parents, look for the Beauty inside the Beast; you may be glad you did.

Billy wants to put the poem in your pants pocket and have it go with you. The girls and I added our love for you too. I feel like I?m dreaming again; that somehow this is all a bad nightmare that I?ll wake up from. I expect to see your blue eyes looking at me, and I think of you in just about everything I see?the mustache brush, the asparagus?you?re everywhere but nowhere, and it hurts still. I love you so much!!!

Please hear me and understand?.I loved you, I will always love you, my darling.
With all my heart,
And all my love

P.S. Good night my love. I have been overwhelmed with the love and concern people have been showing for us. Email friends from your list and mine want to help the kids by sending money, do you believe it? And I have been getting calls from all around?Sylvia in the Netherlands, Elfie in Austria, John in SC, Dawn in Albany, and Kim in VA, the list just goes on and on and on. I never knew how much people cared about us.

About Grief ...
Dr. Kubler-Ross wrote a fantastic book called On Death and Dying. There are several stages people go through when they find out they are dying. It's no surprise that when a loved one dies, particularly a life partner, the ones left behind experience similar stages.

I was in shock from the moment I realized Rich was gone to the time my emotional novocain wore off. It was as if I was watching someone else being me. I have to say that in the beginning it was a Godsend! I never would have been able to do all the necessary things I needed to do if I hadn't been numb.

Here's a pretty good article that explains the stages of grief.

Inner Sanctity

May 23, 2001
Dear Rich,

People have been wondering: how did this happen? This is stuff you and I already know but later it may help me to remember if I?m asked. Last month, around April 25, you had an episode of atrial fibrillation that wouldn?t go away. You fainted at work, just for a few minutes, but you fell forward onto your face, scraping your nose and the glasses cut into the bridge of your nose. Your co-workers were all for calling 911, but you said you had to return a call first and you did. And then you called me and you said very calmly, ?I need you to pick me up. I got dizzy and sort of fell.? I thought maybe you twisted your ankle and so I wasn?t really scared when I drove to pick you up.

When I pulled up in front of NPD, though, and saw the ambulance and the police cars, I about had a stroke. Someone ran out and called to me, ?It?s not what you think, it?s not what you think.? And I went inside and you were on the stretcher looking sheepish and annoyed. You were embarrassed because you?d wet yourself while you were unconscious. When the medics brought you out of the building you looked at the car and said, ?You left the lights on!? That was so you, my darling.

At the hospital, you were admitted into the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and the machine kept beeping and going off because you were still in atrial fibrillation (a-fib). It was unnerving, remember? You didn?t like it. And when I came to see you at lunch the next day, you were scared because they were going to do the cardio-version procedure on you. I held your hand, we comforted each other. The procedure worked on the fourth time, and you felt the shock coming out of the anesthesia. You said it was like ?a bolt of lighting? had gone through your chest. You said you saw a blue-white flash of light even though your eyes were closed. The pain, you said, was impossible to describe and that it was good it was over in a flash because you wouldn?t have been able to stand it otherwise. And then you felt much better because you were back in a normal sinus rhythm.

You were moved to the cardiac floor and although you could have TV and radio, we both chafed to get you home where you belonged. All that held us up was that pulmonary function test and once that was done, we came home. And you seemed to be feeling much better. We went to see Roseanne, the counselor, and we talked about how we could deal with Billy and Heidi better. And there were the trips to the stores where we bought the stuff we would take on picnics?

And then I got sick, some sinus infection, and I lost my voice. I couldn?t talk on Mother?s Day. Around the house, things were up and down. There were spats with the kids because they didn?t want to do their chores. It?s always been that way?except right now they?re being better?for the moment. But you are watching and so you know that I?m also doing a lot of it. I shouldn?t but I just can?t handle the stress we were dealing with asking them to help. And Billy has been terrific with helping! I don?t have to ask him twice except for a couple of times.

Monday and Tuesday was yucky and rainy and I had sinus headaches each day. On Tuesday we just decided spur of the moment to get the family pizza special from Marino?s and we sat around watching TV and I think there was some tension then because the kids didn?t want to clean up after themselves. And your sister called during the ending of ?That 70s Show? and although you were glad to talk to her I remember you said she didn?t have great timing. It was just another normal kind of night with you watching TV and me on the computer?you said it didn?t bother you and I honest to God hope you weren?t fibbing about that.

And then around 11, you looked at me and said in a soft, scared voice, ?It?s happening again.? And I immediately got off the computer and said, ?Do you want to go to the emergency room?? and you said, ?I don?t know?? and so I said, let me call the cardiologist and we?ll do what he wants.
I talked to Dr. Maisel. We were just there on Saturday for your echo!!! That?s what is so hard about all this. You had an EKG when we saw Dr. Mercurio the week you got out of the hospital, followed by the echo, and then we were to see the electro-cardiologist at North Shore. Anyway, Dr. Maisel reminded us that a-fib isn?t life threatening in itself. Many people live with it and don?t know they have it. If it becomes problematic it?s treated with medication or cardioversion. He said for you to take another digoxin, to lie down and try to sleep and see if you didn?t fall back into a normal sinus rhythm. If not, call in the morning for an appointment.

I sat with you and we watched TV. You were scared, I could tell. You held my hand and brought it to your mouth and under your chin and that?s when you said you were so sorry you kept putting me through this. And I said, ?There?s nothing to be sorry for. You didn?t do anything. And besides, marriage is for better or worse, sickness and health??

And you said, trying to hold back the tears, ?I know but when will the better part come??

And I said, trying to be light, ?It?s the bits and pieces between the worse.? We told each other about how much we loved each other.

You seemed to be feeling better and so we went up to bed. And that?s where I get the self-recriminations. You were having trouble sleeping, I tried to soothe you and then I guess I fell asleep myself for an hour. I woke up around 1 and you were sitting up. ?Are you all right?? I asked.

You?d been to the bathroom and had begun to feel dizzy again and had to sit down and you?d accidentally wet yourself again, would I get you another pair of underwear? Right then I should have taken you to the hospital.

?How do you feel now??

?My heart is still racing,? you answered. You said you wanted to come downstairs and watch TV, so we came down together. I wanted to make sure you didn?t fall. You were settled on the sofa and looked upset but otherwise all right. I brought you my water if you wanted it.

?I?ll sit up with you,? I said. ?I?ll lie down on this couch.?

?No,? you said. ?You go on to bed. You need the rest.?

I look back now and think: you should have stayed with him. He was scared. He was dizzy earlier; you should have known to call for an ambulance then and there. Why didn?t I? It?s just that you?d had the episodes before and I honestly believed Dr. Maisel was right and that you would be okay. And if you?d said, ?Stay? or ?Call 911? I would have done it in a New York minute?

The phone was on the floor in the morning. What happened after I left you? Did you call to Billy and me and we were so deeply asleep that we didn?t hear you? Did you try to go to the phone for help? And we never heard a crash to the floor. I never heard a sound until I suddenly woke at 6 a.m. and thought to run downstairs to help with making lunches.

As I got up, I heard Billy cry out, ?Oh, no! Mom, mom! I can?t wake Dad!? and I began running. Billy was coming up the stairs as I ran down. He thought you?d fainted but he couldn?t rouse you. And when I went to you, I knew it was already over. You were lying flat on your back, stretched out on the floor between the sofa and the love seat. It?s as if you were standing at the desk and then fell straight back?but why didn?t we hear it? I knew you were gone. Your face was a chalky bluish color and the blood was pooling back in your forehead. I touched your hand and it was ice cold.

Still?

I told Billy to call 911. I tried to do what I remembered of CPR, but it was more for Billy?s sake. I knew you were gone and had been for a long time. Your fingers were half curved and stiff. You just looked like you were sleeping. You didn?t look like you were in pain or terror or anything. Later a doctor told me you must have decompensated into ventrical fibrillation; you must have passed out almost immediately and suffered no pain. It looked like it was true. After you were pronounced, I talked to someone about donating your organs because I remember that?s what we both wanted.

Your brother Steven came to pick me up. I sat beside you, holding your hand and caressing you and I kissed you goodbye. Poor Steven couldn?t look at you but I think he was really upset and that?s why. And then the neighbors came over with food and support and gifts and it?s been that way since?until yesterday. I think that now everything is over the calls and visits are going to stop and so I have to make the effort and get my ass up and moving.

Anyway, that?s what led up to everything that happened. I?ll sit here and write about our lives together. It?s something you already know but you?ll be more patient with me won?t you? Sometimes you?d tell me the same story twice but when it got to the third or fourth time, I?d say something and you?d go something like, ?Well, excuuuuuuse me? like Steve Martin did. I have to get this stuff down because it?s good for me to do it and because I am determined we?ll all remember who you were.

I?m going to search around and try to find your poems and your old pictures and I?m going to make a page dedicated to you, with you pictures, poems, and the stuff other people wrote about you on it. I hope you?ll be pleased. It?s the least I can do for all of the wonderful things you did for me.

I love you. I?m going to stop writing here and then come back later?
Always yours

Why Create This Blog?
I've always been on the rollercoaster of life. It's a very scary ride but I've managed to hang in ... even when the rollercoaster took an upside down inside out spin in 2001. That was when my best friend, my lover, my husband of 15 years died suddenly of cardiac arrest. I began writing to him the day after. Looking back, I realize I went through a great deal of changes for good and bad. I didn't want to just get rid of this journal but I didn't think anyone would be interested in publishing it. I decided to make a blog of it.

Some of the entries are emotionally intense and could be upsetting. But other than that, there is nothing violent or nasty in the entries.