April 17, 2002
Hi Rich,

These darn computers are going to drive me nuts. I had trouble with the kids? hard drive and so I set mine up again only to realize that ALL my journals have been erased?maybe it happened when I removed the hundreds of temporary files crowding my hard drive. Who knew it would wipe out all my journals? Luckily I think I have most of them backed up. I might be missing a few days.

I wanted to do an entire entry about the rest of our story. Things are happening so fast here and I really need to do that before I move on. So I will go back to see where I left off and then pick up again. I am moving on ? with Teddy. I didn?t think I would ever feel anything for anyone again and had resigned myself to widowhood. I don?t know what friends and family are going to think and I don?t really care. I arranged to drive out and see Teddy again on Sunday. I?m looking forward to it very much.

Kristin has been a real trial lately. She?s balking, not listening to me, having tantrums when she doesn?t get her way. Heidi feels stressed out, tired and sad. She?s been missing you a lot. I think this is all exacerbated by Ted. But Kristin?well, I think I did spoil her too much. Maybe Teddy can help me get the kids into line.

Teddy and I talk about the future just like you and I did. I don?t know how much longer I?ll be here or Teddy, but I plan on loving and living every minute of the time I have left. Teddy is a precious gift from you and God.

I will always be grateful and will always thank God for blessing me so?that I got to have you in my life for 17 years; that I have our beautiful (but not always so wonderful) children, and that I have Teddy in my life now.

Love always,
Me

April 16, 2002
Hi Rich,

The two computers are just driving me crazy. I shut my ?new? one off after I thought I?d gotten all my stuff off (of course I didn?t and now I?m missing the entire month of April?s entries). Sometimes I think you are doing everything in your power to bring Teddy and me together and other times I think I?m being sabotaged! The big example is the ongoing problems with these darn computers.

Not only was the first one balking at doing anything, this old one acted up terribly too. Both computers were especially stubborn about not doing anything that had to do with Teddy?i.e. sending him a post, a card, whatever. The problem really started in earnest on Sunday morning before I left for New Jersey. The computer kept freezing and I had to reboot it several times. It was really frustrating.

Anyway, I left for New Egypt at about 10 in the morning. I was leaving the kids on their own for the most part and was thinking they should be fine. I asked Janet Carson, my neighbor, if the kids could call her if they needed to. She seemed surprised that I would leave the kids alone for so long. I was a bit taken aback and wondered if I was being neglectful or something. But then Phil and Miriam next door, and Dan & Robin all said THEY would keep an eye on/ear out for the kids. I was soooo relieved.

I bought a butterfly balloon for Teddy and off I went. I was feeling really good about seeing him. I called him from the Jersey turnpike around noon and then was at his house about a half hour later. He was standing out in his front yard talking to some neighbors and came over to shyly give me a big hug. I hugged him back and gave him the balloon. He was delighted with it and then remembered he wanted pictures so he got his digital camera and had the neighbor take our picture. They came out soooo nice, Rich.

We went inside the house and Teddy gave me a very large stuffed bear with a sweet hand designed card. We started to smooch a little and then we sat down on the sofa. It was incredible. I remember Teddy got up to shut the blinds and close the door but what I remember most of all was the kissing. You know, we spent two hours kissing. I have never kissed a man like that for so long. Somewhere in there, I put Teddy?s hand on my breast because I figured he was shy.

?Is that what you what?? he asked hoarsely.

I know that Teddy is spiritual and I wanted what would make him comfortable. So I told him it was okay for him to touch. I asked if I could touch him and he said yes. So as we were kissing I let my hands go down his back, scratching and massaging, rubbed his belly and moved my hand down further.

We took a breather and Teddy asked what we should do. He originally wanted to wait and was wavering a little, and so was I. That he was willing to hold back so that it was special touched me so much and so I told him I could be patient and wait. So we went back to kissing and I tried not to touch him in the really sensitive erogenous zones?that just didn?t seem fair. He began to go under my sweater and I was just tingling all over so I whispered softly I needed to stop. He stopped and when we looked at his watch, we realized 2 hours had passed!

We went out to a really nice Japanese restaurant. I ate with chopsticks for the first time, tried sushi and some soup that tasted just awful but I wanted to try it. We drove to and from the restaurant holding hands and just talking. Teddy enjoyed having me hold his hand and caress his fingers. You were so sensitive to touch, Rich, remember? It took a long time before you could tolerate my caresses. I always felt kind of bad about that because I just wanted to touch you all over but it would have been like torturing you.

And Teddy loves it.

I didn?t think it was possible for me to love anyone again after you, Rich, but I love Teddy. It?s not the same. In some ways, like with the kissing and the touching, it?s so exhilirating. And it?s wonderful to have someone to talk to that enjoys the same stuff as me. We sing songs together. It?s just so wonderful.

And I thank you Rich. If it wasn?t for you, I would not be who I am now and I wouldn?t be loving and caring for Teddy the way I do. I love you so much for every little thing you ever did for me my dear. I told Teddy that when you died it felt like half my heart was ripped away. A scar formed over the wound, and that is my warm wonderful memories of you. And now I?m beginning to grow a whole heart again?and the other half is Teddy.

Love and gratitude always,
Me

April 7, 2002
Hi sweetie,
If things had gone as planned, we'd be on our way to Teddy's or AT Teddy's and then on our way home later. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...we are in Ashland, Virginia. I had real trouble driving today. I hope it's not like this tomorrow.

It's daylight savings time (as of last night) and the clocks moved an hour forward. Our alarm went off at 6:30 this morning to make sure we had time to eat breakfast. The continental breakfast buffet in this particular Comfort Inn was much shorter than any of the others...from 6 to 9 a.m. All of us were pretty groggy this morning. We checked out earlier than we had been, too--at about 9:30.

About an hour or so after we'd begun driving, I began to feel REALLY SLEEPY. Uh-oh, I thought. I found a place to pull over so I could walk around and go to the bathroom. There were moments where I felt as if I would just fall asleep, and that was scary. It occurred to me that I was driving impaired...I hadn't had any klonopin yet but the paxil was making me sleepy on top of being tired. Not good.

An hour after that, I felt groggy and sleepy again and opened my window. The girls complained they were cold and I explained why I needed the window open. Dramatic change of climate here! From being warm and humid, it's become dry and very cool. My runny nose and sinus problems are back. :P Anyway, we decided to stop at McDonald's and eat. I got a cup of coffee with my meal.

The coffee held me almost two hours and then I was very groggy and sleepy again. I pulled over to a Burger King to buy some coffee. Billy was concerned. He'd turned on the fan so that cool air was blowing on my face. I appreciated that. That second cup of coffee really helped the last hour of the drive.

Finally we got to Ashton and checked in! I called Barbara in Alexandria to apologize for not being able to visit. She understood although she sounded upset. She said her son-in-law told her the traffic going north on 95 was horrendous. Actually I'm glad to be HERE today because I think EVERYONE will be on the road to go back home/school today. I'll be the turnpike is a mess. I'm sure it'll be easier to travel tomorrow.

I called Teddy to let him know that we were here. We talked for a few minutes and flirted again. I found out that he was born at Langley Airforce Base in Virginia, near the CIA. He asked what the kids would like to drink with dinner and asked what time I thought we'd be arriving. He enjoys talking to me a lot, said that he'd be up in the clouds with a smile on his face for a couple of hours and I told him he was sweet. He said he thought I was sweet.
:-) We are both too cute! Anyway, he also said he was glad I had a good time and I said I was grateful to learn that I am capable of driving over bridges and then I wouldn't be afraid to come to NJ to see him. He responded that he isn't afraid to come to Massapequa Park. He was looking up the directions on the map and he said it doesn't look too bad at all. So we ended on an upbeat note with cyber hugs and kisses.

I don't know where all this is going, Rich. No one can replace you, but loving you has seemed to open up a place in my heart that holds a lot of warmth and good feelings for people. And I think I CAN love Teddy. It's not the same as it was with you. But it's nice to have a guy friend to flirt with and talk to ... one who'll talk back to me and not just grunt like most of the other guys I'd written.

I've been thinking about you a LOT over the last few days...I see your face, the warmth & love in your beautiful blue eyes, and then I see this stark scene of you lying on your back on the living room floor, dead. And I think to myself, how could this happen? It seems so unreal.

The only reason I can think about Ted and allow myself to feel something for him is because you are really and truly gone from my life on earth. I do miss you so. This would never be happening if you were alive ...
and I wonder how things would be going for us?

Would you have continued to deteriorate, experienced increasing pain? Would you have been short tempered and impatient with the kids? What would happen to your job?

Or, maybe, would you have continued to lose weight and then your health would improve, your mood would improve, things would be better between us and the kids ... and you'd move laterally into another position.

I don't know ... so many unknowns. I suppose you've fulfilled your purpose, whatever it was, and that's why you were called back when you were. I'm learning some things myself, changing gradually, and dealing with it. Most of all, I've learned to be a lot more patient with the kids. Now, if I could just be firm....

I'll always miss you. I'll always look back on our married life with love and gratitude ... and I'll always have that last view of you in my head along with a sense of deep incredulity.

I love you so much.

Thank you for everything you've done for me and the way you changed my life, Rich, my darling, my sweetheart,
love,
Me

April 6, 2002
Hi Rich,

Well, I'll tell you, sweetheart, it's SO much easier driving DOWN to Florida than it has been coming back! Today I drove about 300 miles; it took us about 6 hours between the stops and the traffic, and I was really hurting the last hundred miles. I felt sleepy and a little out of it, inattentive. It's not a good way to drive so I'm glad that I decided to make reservations where I did.

I called Barbara (a friend from WidowNet in Alexandria, VA)to ask for directions to her place. She offered to let us stay with her. Well ... it's 398 miles from here to her house, and I'm just not sure I can manage that. I think I will call and make a reservation for 300 miles. I may even make one for New Jersey, too, and cancel it if need be.

I called Teddy, too, and talked to him for about a half hour here. He started taking a CAD class but really hasn't been getting enough sleep this week so he felt that our visit on Monday would be easier than Sunday. Me, too, and we always have a reason to get going by 8--so that Teddy can get some sleep. We flirted a little again and he said it was always his fantasy to fly an F-14. He heard that Great Adventure had that ride but he's a little afraid of it, that it might not be well maintained. He said he might feel differently if someone went with him and so I said I would go with him. He said, "You would? Then I just might consider it." I told him I might dig my fingers into his shoulders and he laughed and said that the thought of the ride scared him too so I said well, then I would hold his hand. So I guess I will be seeing more of Teddy. I like him, Rich. He seems like he could be a good friend. Well, we'll see, huh?

And where did that little orange pill go? The one that was in my vitamin bottle, the one I showed the kids ... the one I thought belonged to you? It doesn't seem to be there any more!

I got ahold of Phil and Miriam, our neighbors, and let them know we'd be a day or two delayed. That was fine with them. They said they've seen Mousie, but not Amber. I think Amber's been hiding on them. They said Mouse comes right out to play with them. She seemed a more sociable kitty than Amber is anyway and I'm assuming Amber's just hiding.

Ordered some Pizza hut pizza for dinner. I just didn't feel like getting back into the car anymore this evening. I have some wash I'm doing for Heidi and otherwise, this evening should just be pretty laid back. In another couple of days, we'll be home. The vacation sure went really fast!

see you later, my love,
Me

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 1:23 PM EDT
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April 5, 2002
It was the trip from hell, Rich!!!! We are finally here in Kingsland, GA again. It's really a GOOD thing I didn't try to make Santee because we didn't roll in here until about 9:00. It's too late to try to call Teddy (plans with him Sunday), Barbara (overnighting w/her tomorrow night) or Jean (stop & visit) to tell everyone our plans are upside down. Gotta do that first thing in the morning though. Tomorrow night we're going to stay in Florence, SC which is about 300 miles from here. I would've loved to have been able to stay in Santee again but it's just not going to work out that way.

You would be kicking your ashes all over in frustration, ha, today because, first of all, we slept in a little again and second, we packed the car, ate a late breakfast buffet at the Radisson and then went to the pool for a couple of hours. We left Orlando around 2 p.m.

At first, everything was fine. There wasn't too much traffic out of Orlando, and we didn't hit a problem until we got to I-95. I'm not sure what happened--maybe it was an accident or two or maybe it was just that everyone was heading back north TODAY. Anyway, the first 60 miles of the trip was fine, the last 119 to Kingsland was a bloody nightmare. It's a good thing I called ahead to make a reservation, too, because when we finally did get here the lady behind the desk was already turning people away because they were totally booked up.

I had such good intentions of calling Teddy, my friend John (he lives in Rock Hill, SC) and Jean Rosenberg in MD. Who knew it would take seven hours to travel 250 miles? It shouldn't have! It took us about half that time going down to Florida.

Well, on the up side, I feel really good about what I was able to accomplish, Rich. You know, I've been thinking of you a lot over the last couple of days. I remember good times--like when we went to parks in the summer time when we were dating, or to the movies or out for Chinese food. I remember us making love skinny times and fat times. I remember your face very close to mine as I was in transitional labor--you were the bestest coach, Rich! I remember the look on your face as you held each of our babies, and I remember how you used to look at me or take my hand and hold it.

It seems unreal sometimes. I remember you so well sometimes and other times I feel upset because I've lost the sound of your voice. It doesn't seem possible that a year has gone by ... it will be a year in less than 2 months. Somehow I've survived a year without you and I don't know how it's possible. I guess that's one reason why I'm feeling pretty good about this accomplishment.

Just imagine, Rich, me--with my major panic attacks! I drove over 1100 miles to Orlando. I was at Universal Studios and at Walt Disney World! And I drove it, all by myself. I went over all those bridges, and some were kinda unpleasant surprises, too.

I thought a bit about Teddy, too. I realize that I'm sort of latching on to him out of a deep need to love someone and be loved. I wondered if it would be possible to love Teddy as much as I loved you. I don't know, sweetheart. I thought for sure that you are my soulmate. I don't know if I could love another man the way I loved you ... but do I need to? I don't know ... help me out here, okay? Give me some advice, either in a dream or some other way.

I love my warm memories of you. I guess you're about to be canonized, my love, because as much as I know you had your faults (and so did I, let's be honest here) I tend to overlook all that now. I remember more of the goodness that was in you. You were a wonderful, sweet man, Rich. I wish I had told you more often.

I'm sleepy, babe. I'm going to stop now and just say here's looking at you kid, and I'll always love you,
your
sweetie

April 4, 2002
Hi sweetie,

We spent the afternoon and evening at Walt Disney World. It was a totally different experience than Island Adventures, which is part of Universal Studios theme park. Heidi really continues to concern me with her behavior. It was hot and humid today and Heidi's level of irritability skyrocketed and her frustration level is about zero. She was blowing her fuse every few minutes today.

If I had to do today over again I would have had us stay at Epcot Center all day. It was infinitely more interesting there and had all kinds of educational stuff that would have fascinated the kids. Well ... the kids had this idea of going to the Magic Kingdom first to get autographs of the Disney characters, then we'd go over to Epcot and do all these fascinating activities. Best laid plans ...

We were late, first of all. If you'd been on this trip you either would have had us up and out and dawn or you'd be really ticked at how long it took us to get our act together to get going. We slept until 9:15. We still had to get breakfast and didn't leave until 10:30 because the kids were fighting. That really has been a sore point this whole trip.

We had to stop at the drug store for some necessities so we didn't actually get going to Disney World until around 1. There wasn't a lot of traffic, which was nice, and we had no trouble finding the Epcot Center and took a trolley train to the park. From there we took the monorail to the Magic Kingdom.

It was pretty hot in spite of a cool breeze. We didn't have a good supply of water and so everyone was hot and grumpy, especially Heidi. The first thing we did when we got to the Magic Kingdom was fill our water bottles. We did a little shopping and then went inside. Heidi had made a list of all the attractions they wanted to see but it sorta went out the window when a parade cut off traffic to Fantasyland. We went to Adventureland instead and straight off I got us cool drinks and fruit/ice cream mixes. Billy and Kristin did the Swiss Family Robinson attraction while Heidi and I waited.

We were going to try a boat ride but that didn't work out and decided instead to take the train in Frontierland (adjacent to Adventureland) back to Main street and catch the monorail back to Epcot Center. Well when we got back to Main Street the kids said they were hungry so we left our name with an Italian restaurant that was very crowded but promised to seat us within 30-40 minutes. There was no place to sit inside so the girls & I went outside while Billy watched TV. The idea was that when they called our name, he'd come and get us.

Meanwhile, we're trying to make ourselves comfortable outside, sitting on a wall. Heidi's level of irritability was on the rise and she blew up at me for something, calling me stupid ... and these other people are looking at me as Heidi's saying "I hate you" and I'm wishing I could just disappear into the earth. What the hell am I supposed to do with this kid anyway?

Billy forgot to listen for our names and so we were passed over and they put us to the end of the list. I was really upset with Heidi and so I said let's eat at Epcot Center and took off.

By the time we got there, it was almost 7 and by the time we were done eating it was after 8. What a shame. The one ride we tried, Body Wars, was really fascinating. It was a virtual trip through the human body and the ride had lots of cool special effects. There were several exhibits there that would have been so cool ... well, if we knew then what we know now, we would have spent the day at Epcot. Live and learn.

The kids liked Island Adventures much better because we got to see and do a lot more of the attractions. I also believe it had a lot to do with the weather. It was first rainy and then cloudy that day.

We got there late too, at about noon. We got started late, stopped at Dunkin donuts for breakfast, got lost for almost and hour and when we got to Universal, it was raining pretty hard. We passed through Citywalk all right and then went straight to the Spiderman ride, which seems to be THE ride right now. From there we visited other places in the park, sometimes just stopping long enough to take a picture.

I guess I would say that this has been a fun vacation, Rich. I wish you were here in your skin so I could talk to you about it. I still miss you a lot, sweetheart. I feel stronger, like I have a sudden surge of self respect and pride, because I was able to make this trip. I think it went well at least 75% of the time. The kids seemed happy.

I still miss you though, my sweetie.

Love,
Me

About 1 a.m., April 3, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I am so stiff and sore I am surprised I am actually attempting to write but the days have been so jam packed and action filled, I'll just forget them all if I don't write it all down!

Well, how to summarize yesterday? Frustrating at first and then very pleasant. I had to go to that Tempus Resorts presentation at the Palms. Someone told me that it would be really nice, bring the kids, because they give you this wonderful big breakfast and then show you around and try to talk you into buying a time share.

So instead of having breakfast, I took the kids to Walgreens to pick up a few things we needed, like laundry bags, trash bags ... and I needed feminine napkins. Yeah, it's back all right and with a vengeance. It just reminds me about you telling me that your mom called them mouse beds or something when she referred to them. That was just so hilarious.

Anyway, from there we went to the Palms and, of course, I got lost. Still, we got to the place before 10:30 and it was *packed*! There was no parking at the place we were supposed to be feted and we would have to walk to the reception. I didn't mind it so much.

We walked with a woman and her daughter. She'd been to many of these things and knew the ropes. In fact she deliberately goes to these things to get the perks. I thought she must be out of her mind. I actually would have preferred a Comfort Inn vacation. Wasn't too thrilled with hoity toity Radisson ... there's no complimentary coffee, no Continental breakfast, they nickel and dime you to death.

Anyway I walked in with the kids and this woman and her daughter. Heidi already had a puss on because she didn't realize that we would be tied up here for 90 minutes. She started to protest and whine she'd be bored. The woman said SHE would be bored too but she was willing to put up with the boredom to get the vacation perks.

Anyway, we get to this building and it is a mob scene, absolutely packed! I asked one lady where the breakfast buffet was and she indicated another busy room. We went in there and there was a room full of, well, must have been hundreds of people sitting at tables obviously talking to sales representatives and yakking away. It was noisy and crowded and I could see Heidi becoming tense right away.

Billy went to get on the line. Heidi and Kristin were with me and we were back several people. The lady who'd walked in with me tapped my elbow and said we'd have to register first and then we could eat. What a PAIN! So I pulled Billy out of the line and he was angry and we went into this other room to register. Well THAT was packed, too. The woman saw the looks on the kids faces and said I should let them go eat, who would care? I sent them back and Billy rolled his eyes. Heidi refused to go. She was red with suppressed fury.

We sat down in this packed waiting room. There were lots of people there, lots of kids running around or crying, and some guy making balloon animals to try and entertain the kids. The parents had expressions of weary resignation on their faces. Well, I'd never experienced one of these things before, felt like a cow being herded around a pen and felt very resentful. That company lost a sale right there.

Heidi was sick of waiting and I was too so I sent her to get Billy and Kristin. While she was gone, my sales rep came calling for me. She was an Italian, pleasant woman but hard to understand with all the noise and commotion going on. We went into the buffet room and I expressed my displeasure with all of this.

The woman said sympathetically, "I know, but we got to do it this way because everyday we see three or four hundred people."

Mooooooooo.

Heidi and I got some food. Heidi was still very pissed and I was annoyed when there wasn't any coffee, no milk, no orange juice ... I got water to have with my breakfast. No rolls, no butter, no fresh fruit ... how aggravating!

The sales lady went into her spiel. I'd heard this many times. Do you remember when you were trained to sell Vorwerk vacuums? First you have the customer figure out how much they're spending now. You figure out how much they're going to spend over a lifetime. Then they list all the benefits of having a timeshare, etc etc. Yeah yeah yeah. So I stopped her finally and said she didn't need to go through all that with me, explained I am a widow of less than a year and will not make any financial decisions without showing the paperwork to my financial advisor and the woman looks at me and says, "I know, I know, but I have to do this. It's my job, and when I am finished with the presentation then you decide if this is for you or not."

Exasperated, I repeated that I was not going to make any decisions today and that I needed to give the information to Steve. She said yes, she was telling me the information and I said, no, I mean, a contract that tells how much a price might be, how the payments are made, and so on. She said she couldn't do that yet, she had to go through everything in a certain manner.

I was getting mad now. The kids were trying to help me by being whiny and fighting. Heidi, though, was definitely uncomfortable. I said to the woman again, look, you're wasting my time and yours. She said I just want you all to be happy, and I said, "Well, I'm not. In fact I am getting very angry with you!"

"Well, what should we do?" she asked.

"I want to leave. Don't you have anything you can give me for the financial advisor?"

She said no and that she couldn't give me the park tickets if I didn't listen to the whole presentation. I told her I didn't care. It was already noon and we'd been there 90 minutes and that was enough.

We decided to go tell the manager, who was out in the lobby managing the new people streaming in. She was on the phone and the rep went to talk to her. She said, "Are you at a table? I'll come out to you."

And I said, uh, no I don't think so. The manager snippily informed me that she had four people ahead of me. "I'll wait," I snapped. She beckoned to her rep to come back here so they could talk. The two of them disappeared behind a wall and I said to the kids, "let's go."

After we got back to the hotel, I decided to use our free tickets for Water Mania. Heidi didn't want to go and so I took Billy and Kristin. They had a wonderful time! I sat down and relaxed, read for a while, and then called Teddy. We played a round of telephone tag and finally got to talk ... just as Billy and Kristin were getting out of the water and saying they were hungry. Figures...

Teddy said he was so glad to hear from me. I enjoyed talking to him and it seems like he's moving a little faster than I might like ... but it's my fault too because I've been teasing him. Not fair, I know, and I realize my behavior is partly because I miss you so desperately. The other part is that Teddy is a nice, attractive guy and we do have a lot in common.

Ah well. The girls and I went out for dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Billy claimed he was too full still from breakfast. We had a nice friendly grandfatherly type named Bob ... a teacher, I believe, retired ... anyway we enjoyed our meal very much. Afterwards, I took the kids down to the pool.

It's a beautiful pool, Rich, with a sort of waterfall, and as I sat there looking at it I began to tear up. I remember when we went to the Poconos and we'd get into the pool or the hot tub and kiss and make out and tease and pet and then rush back to the hotel room so horny we could barely get in the door before we were tearing each other's clothes off. Kristin came out of the pool just then and asked what was wrong. I said I missed you and she said he'll always be right here, and she pointed to my head and my heart.

Yes. It still hurts...

Today we went to Island Adventures, which is the newer of Universal Studio's parks. I got some tickets from a woman that works here. These tickets are SO expensive! I paid $160 for these four tickets ... and later on I paid $200 for hopper tickets for Disney. I am really burning through the money but what the hell?

I was really upset with Heidi today. I was in the bathroom and I heard the beginnings of an altercation. Suddenly Kristin was screaming she was hurt. I got out of the bathroom as quick as I could. Kristin wanted to sit down and Heidi didn't want her to sit in "her" chair. Kristin and Billy say that Heidi shoved Kristin, who tripped and fell against the bed. Heidi said she just stood up and Kristin lost her balance.

Kristin had a scrape and a huge red mark on her back. I was just so upset about it ... why does Heidi have to be so hateful and mean? Heidi was angry with me because she feels I'm not listening to her but what justification is there for this? All Kristin wanted to do was sit down. I'm thinking Heidi's really got a more serious emotional problem that I'd like to think.

It was raining most of the morning. It was about noon before we were all calmed down enough to go to Adventure Island ... and I got lost. It figures, right? Sweetheart, it's about 1:30 and I'm really sleepy so I'm going to continue this tomorrow. It did end up being a very nice day, thank God.

Love you,
Me

April 1, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

Well ... here we are in Orlando, and I think this part of the drive was the most difficult and not even necessarily the shortest part. I thought it would take about two or three hours to get here from Kingsland. The kids were being twitchy and bitchy, getting on each other's nerves and generally embarrassing me ... so what else is new? We went to the pool for about an hour before packing up to leave ... and I got my period. No swimming for me...a mixed blessing, if you ask me, because at least now I don't have to worry about hauling my fat self to the pool and feel so totally EXPOSED. Yuck.

I got the kids good with an April 1 joke. I bumped my head as I was getting into the car and the kids asked, are you all right? So I played it up good, groaned and moaned and said no and I didn't think I could make the drive after all. They really got going then, partly worried about me and partly upset that the trip was slowing going down the drain. Then I laughed and they realized they'd been had.

We went up to K-Mart to get beach towels and a few other supplies and then we finally got under way just before noon. We crossed into Florida very soon afterwards and came into a couple of traffic jams. I was feeling pretty tired and out of it by the time we got to Orlando ... it was about four, I guess, and we stopped by the vacation center to pick up our voucher and other perks (ha) for the vacation.

That was almost an ordeal. I was driving along and realized I didn't know quite what I was looking for and so I pulled into this strip mall and searched for the letter with all the information on it. Then I happened to see "Travel Information" and I saw the number above the door ... and it was where we were supposed to be! We'd accidentally pulled into the right place. I said, "Thanks, Rich!" But that was where the good luck ended for a while.

We spent an hour searching for the Radisson. Sheesh. We went back and forth for it seemed like forever looking for the place. It's not right up front and noticeable. It's hidden behind the Hyatt. What a pain. I was so worn out by the time we arrived. It didn't help that Heidi was in a snit and huffing and screaming about god knows what and everything besides.

This is a HUGE la-dee-da place, Rich. We are definitely out of our element here, the Beverly Hillbillies amongst the rich and famous, ha ha. Well the first thing that happened to turn me off was that they didn't have a double bed room that we requested ... they only had one king sized bed. I asked for two roll away beds and the man at the desk said he'd see what he could do. Well, right away I was annoyed because I thought I'm paying EXTRA to stay here and I'm not even getting the services I asked for. Big turn off.

Heidi has been a real wicked witch. If she's not brooding about her weight, then she's screaming or complaining about Billy farting or burping or about Kristin or about ... anything! I lost it a couple of times and told her to SHUT UP. I told her if she'd try looking at things positively some time instead of negatively all the time she might have a better time.

So ... here it is almost 10 p.m. on our first evening in Orlando. We just got back from having a Chinese buffet dinner. Driving back to the hotel, the bright lights and amusement rides reminded me of Ocean City, Maryland. The plan for tomorrow is: go to the presentation and have the free breakfast, go to Water Mania with our free passes, and then go to Sea World.

That's the plan of the moment anyway. See you later, honey,
love you,
Me

P.S. I didn't get a chance to call Teddy until we got back and I just left him a message.

March 31, 2002

Happy Easter in Heaven, sweetie!

We woke up this morning in Santee, SC, and I gave the kids their Easter bags, stuffed animals with three Cadbury eggs (still haven't been able to get weaned off them!). Each of the places we've eaten in have had continental breakfasts so we haven't eaten ANY of the stuff Billy so thoughtfully packed. Well, he's been eating the eggs and the kids have been drinking the sodas. After breakfast the kids put on their suits and went swimming for a while and I washed clothes and dried them. We checked out before noon and were on our way to Kingsland, Georgia. It was the shortest trip so far and the easiest to drive. We did get a little screwed up in terms of FINDING the hotel. The computer directions were so way wrong! I kind of double-backed another way, found Rt. 40, which was an alternate way to get back on 95. As we got to the insection to get back on 95, I saw all the hotels and restaurants around and kiddingly said, oh, watch, this is where we're supposed to be ... and ya know what? IT WAS!!!!! So we turned around and came back.

Kids can be awfully self-centered, ya know? Billy was miffed that the jacuzzi/hot tub wasn't hot and seemed to be more like a baby pool. He was also annoyed that the gym was closed. Kristin was hinting about wanting to go into the pool ... even after a downpour, when we were returning from dinner. And Billy and Heidi, Billy and Kristin, and Heidi and Kristin have been at each other constantly. It really is discouraging. We went to a nice diner and Heidi had a real puss on. Teenagers!

I had the kids going for a couple of times and I got them good, lol. Billy has a stuffed white bunny that fell into a muddy pool of water. When I came back with some of the laundry, he asked if I washed the bunny and I said no, it wouldn't fit in the machine, that the hole for the clothes was so small I could only get the clothes in by rolling them up in a ball. Heidi asked skeptically how the bunny got white again and I said, I ran it under a sink and they finally caught on.

The other time was when I checked in here. Now, we'd already been lost about a half hour and so the kids were anxious to get to the hot tub and jacuzzi. I got back in the car and told the kids the hotel was overbooked and we had to go to another hotel ten miles away. The kids started hollering and carryingon and I was just laughing!

It was a mean thing to do, I guess, but it's fun to fool them like that. I guess this is paybacks for what they do to me. So tomorrow we'll be in Orlando, stopping at that Visitor Center to sign in for that 90 minutes spiel and then checking into the Radisson.

Wonder what that will be like?

Already we've begun to see exotic trees...cypress (I think that's what they are) and palm trees here in Georgia. There's lots of rivers and creeks too. Some of these creeks look like rivers and some of the rivers look like creeks! Doesn't make much sense to me.

It's hard to believe we're actually going to be going to Disney World...didn't think that would happen. It'll be fun to see Universal Studios and SeaWorld too. Just hope the kids aren't too much of a pain in my butt.

Well, sweetie, I'm going to put the laptop away and will tell you about my day tomorrow. I guess you'll be seeing it with us...I'm really sure that you are with us, my love,

love you,
Me

March 30, 2002
March 30, 2002

Hi sweetheart,

Thanks for letting us know that you're with us, and probably getting a big kick out of our adventures so far! Imagine my surprise when I opened my vitamin bottle and there was one of your pills--I feel sure it was, and I still have it. Finding it like that, well, I just think you were letting me know that you are with us and it was such a warm feeling! We got stuffed on a continental breakfast and then got underway on our next leg of the trip.

Today's drive was really long and I guess the most difficult part was that I felt so sleepy sometimes. I almost felt like I was nodding off and so I would pull off to get a cup of coffee or to walk around. Billy was so good, really helpful. He would hold my cup for me and even put the straw against my lips so that I wouldn't have to take one hand off the wheel. He's been really patient, too, because he can't watch movies like Kristin and Heidi can.

Well, Rich, I have to say that Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina aren't particularly interesting to look at from Rt. 95. It all looked like New Jersey to me! There were signs all over for historic places to visit--Civil War battlefields in Virginia, South of the Border (a theme park in NC, I think), and there was something in SC but off the top of my hand I can't think what it was. Widow brain. A senior moment. :p

There were a couple of times during this long drive that I thought you might be sending me a song. One was "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" a song I dedicated to you years ago, in 1984, maybe--before we got married. There was another song not long after that, too, but widow brain strikes again. And then came a song that Teddy sent me as a wav file: "I Can't Stop This Feeling". Weird but very nice feelings around it.

There was one unexpected bridge over the James River in Virginia. It wasn't too bad; it didn't go too high and I got over it without a problem. The next time there was a bridge of sorts was at Lake Marion. Now that is a BIG lake and apparently it's the only place where striped bass are landlocked. It seems to be a big retirement community.

We had a few minor glitches when we got here. One was that the toilet backed up and it took forever to get it unplugged because the dingaling at the counter forgot to send the guy (she also forgot the rollaway cot). The other was the kids' fighting. You'd think they would get over that and try to enjoy themselves. But no, Heidi needs to pick at everything, and Billy and Kristin need to do whatever they can to aggravate her. I was so mortified at the diner we ate in.

It was a really nice Tastee Diner. It was really folksy and part of a larger family business. They have two inns as well as the restaurant. They're real strong Christians here because there was a driver's prayer in the menu, the Ten Commandments, and a little parable about Jesus. It's the first time I ever saw anything like that in a menu.

I thought of Teddy then, too, because he said he'd be praying for us on our trip. I called him just before we went to dinner and talked to him a few minutes. He seemed delighted to hear from me and said it was probably a good thing that I did leave for vacation because the kisses left him light headed. Well, I don't know where all this is going. I never even thought about being with another man. There seems to be some chemistry with Teddy, though, and he looks so much like you it's scary!

Tomorrow we go to Kingsland, GA, and hopefully the drive won't be too terrible. I think it's only 3 hours from here. We can chill out a little more, go in the pool or jacuzzi and have a little more fun. This is one of the best vacations we've ever been on, thank you for being with us. The only one that tops this is the days I spent with you at the Poconos.

here's looking at you, kid,
love,
Me