March 23, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I talked with Teddy for a long time this afternoon. He is very pleasant to talk to, very warm and friendly and has a wonderful laugh. He reminds me so much of you. I feel drawn to him but I don?t want anyone to get hurt. I don?t want to look for a replacement for you. When we go down to Florida, we?re going to stop and visit Teddy on our way south. It feels strange to do this. I have only been with you, loved only you all these years. I guess it feels the same for Teddy, he was married 28 years. That?s a long time. But it could happen again, for a friendship to become love. I know no one can take your place and so I wouldn?t want to even try making comparisons. You and Teddy are two different people. I want to remember that. I will always love you, my darling, in a special place in my heart. Still, I don?t want to be all alone for the next 20 years or so ? if I live that long.

Love you
Me

March 20, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Part of this month?s journal is on the kids? hard drive. I hooked this one up on St. Patrick?s day, going on the assumption that it would work because of ?the luck of the Irish? and I am most certainly Irish. Well, my luck has more of a tendency toward Murphy, though.

I took the kids to see ?The Time Machine? on St. Pat?s day. I didn?t especially want to go to a movie but I thought it would be good to go out and do something with the kids. I never read the book H.G. Welles wrote so I was altogether surprised that the whole reason the scientist built the machine was so that he could somehow save his fiancee from being killed. He couldn?t, though, and he didn?t understand WHY. I think Billy sort of ?got it? although I was a little confused. Billy said that if the woman did NOT die then the scientist would NOT build the time machine and all the rest wouldn?t happen.

I thought about that. I remembered Schrodinger?s cat and parallel universes and fate and all that stuff and actually had a good discussion with Billy about it. I think Heidi and Kristin couldn?t really follow it. There might be a world in which the fiancee did NOT die, and that would be yet another parallel universe. In some of the others she WOULD die and there would be different outcomes. What I wonder is, Rich, you died in THIS universe. Is there another universe where you DID NOT die?or does your ?counterpart/twinner? have to die in all the universes?

Maybe the Presbyterians were right with the predestination stuff?

March 16, 2002
Hi sweetie,

It?s been a mixed bag of a day. Heidi went to an all day training in baby sitting and she?s enthusiastic about babysitting and making money. She?s saved up $37 now and would like to watch babies. I think it?s cool. I think the zoloft is helping her because she?s so much better (her mood) and we?re getting along better (knock on wood). I dropped Billy off at the magic card store so he could play in another tournament. I don?t think he did very well because he called me around 1:30 to come and pick him up. Kristin helped me go grocery shopping. The kids want to go and see ?The Time Machine? so maybe we?ll do that tomorrow, although all I really want to do is watch ?The Quiet Man? and maybe ?Angela?s Ashes?. When I talked to Cheryl about borrowing ?Harry Potter? (she said no, Christina was watching it) I broke down and started to cry. I miss you, Rich! I can't believe you?re not here ? it?s almost like back to square one. I look at your picture and wonder, where did he go? When will he come back? And then I have to tell myself, you dummy, he?s gone, he?s NOT coming back! Teddy wrote to me again but it seems like he?s running out of steam, running out of things to say and I guess I am too. I?m not really ready for this. Not at all? I?m going to try and write some more. I think I?ll also look at pictures to help me with the letters to you. I know you already know this stuff but I?m thinking to a time when maybe the kids or someone else would be interested in reading this?to follow the grief process if nothing else.

I love you,
Me

March 15, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?m trying to clean and straighten up around here. I don?t know why I did this but I invited Robin, Dan, and Nancy to come over for a St. Patrick?s day dinner and now I don?t want the company. I?m wondering why the hell I decided to take on such a big project? Cheryl can?t come because her daughter is sick and Nancy and Robin wanted to know if we were still on and I was tempted to cancel and didn?t. Now I don?t want them to come over. What is wrong with me? I don?t feel all that great, got stomach cramps and the runs. Ugh.

And what is going on here in the house? Are you being Boo Radley, like from To Kill A Mockingbird? First I find the pizza spatula, which I was sincerely wishing for. Yesterday I went down stairs and stepped on a little plastic sandwich bag that made a loud pop! Sound. When I bent over to pick it up, I saw it was hospital ID bracelets, all of mine and Billy?s and some of yours. I remember you told me that your mom had this superstition that you need to keep hospital ID bracelets or something bad would happen to you. ? Well, we didn?t keep the one from your recent stay at NCMC that I know of? But even more puzzling is how did that plastic bag get there? I never noticed it before.

This morning when I went into the basement to show the furnace man where it was, I saw one of your straight razor blades on the floor, in a baggie. I am completely mystified. This morning, I opened my backpack and there are pictures of you. I sat looking at you and I began to cry. I miss you so much. Are you leaving little treasures around for me to find to let me know you are with me? How about that poetry book? I would love to have that ? and could you let me know HOW did you get on the floor from the sofa? It was as if someone had laid you out. You were on your back, legs fully extended, your arms down by your sides, hands curled slightly. How did it happen? And why? Why?

I miss you so much Rich.

March 14, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Sometimes I just feel that you are so close to me. I?ve been having heartburn the last few days and have convinced myself that I?m dying. Sheesh. I think to myself, I?ve over eaten to the point where my heart is going to give out too. I?ve seriously taken a look at how much I eat and am staying away from the snacky stuff. NOT EASY!

Today I took Girl Scout cookies to XXX, where you worked. Your friends were glad to see you?they miss you, Rich. Your supervisors, Ann Roddenberg and Claire M, and your lunch buddies, Dina and Jennifer spent over an hour talking to me. We played catch up and reminisced about good times. There?s been a lot of changes at XXX since you died, ?downsizing? (lay-offs) and just not bothering to replace people when they leave. It?s sorta sad. I kind of wonder what would have happened with YOUR job. Some of your colleagues who have been with the company for years have transferred to other departments.

Oh?and Teddy began writing to me again and so I?m answering him. I don?t know if this friendship is going to go anywhere. I invited Nancy K, Cheryl, and Dan and Robin over for corned beef and cabbage. Cheryl can?t make it. I hope this will be fun and that I don?t stress myself out over how the place looks.

Going to watch ?The Wizard of Oz? with the kids. Rich, this is so sad?recently I?ve just been getting off the computer earlier and sitting with the kids to watch movies or TV. I think to myself, why didn?t you do this when Rich was alive? And it was because when you were there, YOU kept the kids company and you said you didn?t mind if I was on the computer. Ugh. I wish now that I?d spent less time online.

Always the woulda coulda shouldas.

I love you so much.
Me

March 11, 2002
Hi sweetie,

The wind was too strong for you, huh? The window stayed closed a day but there was a high wind yesterday and the window went open again. The other big downer was that I missed the bag of quarters?it was gone from the hutch and I am pretty sure Billy took it but can?t be positive because I didn?t see. Well, I talked to all three of the kids about how hurt I felt and how this was a betrayal of my trust. Billy didn?t quite ?get it? at first. He thought it had to do with me needing the money and when I said it wasn?t that, he said, ?oh because it was a waste of your time?? I think that guess was based on how many months I?d been saving the quarters and I told him NO it?s not that either ? it has to do with a violation of my trust. I didn?t expect one of my own kids to steal from me! I said I wanted the money back ? and magically they turned up on the floor by Kristin?s side of the bed. She found them and was in a panic, afraid I?d blame her. Well, I don?t KNOW what to think.

There is something else though. Remember the porn magazines and books you had in your drawer? They?re gone. All of them. And I kind of think Billy took them, too. I mentioned them to him after school and he gave me a noncommittal look and I said I?d like for them to reappear in the bathroom, where I found the quarters.

He was surprised. ?You found the quarters in the bathroom??

I?d deliberately lied. ?Yes,? I answered and he said he thought they would have been returned to the hutch.

Who knows?

Teddy hasn?t written since Friday. In a way, I am very relieved. I wrote to him on Saturday and haven?t written to find out what?s up.

Love you,
Me

March 9, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?m sure you?ve been around the last couple of days. I felt sure of it while I was talking to your sister, Linda. The printer suddenly turned on and a piece of paper came out with a tiny little heart in the upper left hand corner of the page ? and that was all! I?m sure it is a sign from you, as sure as I am about the spatula ? that you helped me by putting it where I could find it. And I felt sure that somehow you guided me to the flower arrangement for St. Patrick?s day. I picked up a bouquet of white carnations and daisies. Some of the flowers were sprayed green. When I saw them I was just going to pass them by thinking sadly that you might have gotten them if you were here. I said it out loud to Heidi and she nodded thoughtfully. Suddenly I got a very strong urge to buy a bouquet and Heidi said, ?Go ahead?. I did and was all teary-eyed. Billy got down the green vase and helped me cut the stems. Thinking about it again, I feel some warmth toward you. I really loved you so much. I still do. I am so grateful that we were together, Rich. And either that old saying about women in the same house together have periods around the same time or I?m just not stressed out so much. My period started again yesterday and I know Heidi?s had hers a couple of days now.

Today Billy was in a magic cards tournament. He asked me if he could go to Pandemonium and I said yes but I wouldn?t lend him any money. I loaned him money last week and he did very little in return, arguing and fussing the whole way so I wasn?t motivated to give him any money. It turns out he traded some of his cards for money so that he could get into a tournament. I should have known ? I couldn?t figure out why he?d want to go to the place and just hang out.

Kristin went to her friend Rachel?s today to work on a science project. Rachel?s father talks a LOT! Both her parents are friendly but I was thrown at the stuff they were dragging out to show me. :D

Teddy is still writing to me. I?m still answering him. Feeling VERY confused, sweetheart.

I?ve been dreaming about you too. As I?m waking up I think you?re downstairs and as I become more fully awake I realize no, you?re not, you?re gone and I just feel so sad?

Love you,
Me

P.S. Tonight we watched ?Hearts in Atlantis?, Rich, a film based on Stephen King?s book. I?m hoping we still have it upstairs?we bought it, didn?t we? You read it; I didn?t get a chance.

Something weird is happening with the downstairs window. Maybe this happened when the contractors were here tearing up the basement floor and laying down a water pump and drain. Well, the first thing I noticed is that the window is cracked. And I also noticed that the window won?t stay shut when the window is blowing. What a major pain in the butt! Suddenly, like tonight, I?ll feel all this cold air ? and it?s coming from the basement. It?s very spooky having to go down there and try to jam it shut. Think you could help me out a little, please? Keep the window shut for me? Thanks, I love you.

March 7, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I brought you home today, at last. The urn arrived and it is very beautiful. I sure had to wait a long time for it! And I?m really grateful to Karen and Joe at (the funeral home) for helping me light a fire under the craftsman?s butt to get the urn up here. Do you like it? It?s a large adult urn, made of cherrywood, a nice light color not too dark. You liked the lighter colored woods I remember. And it has a placque with your name on it, the dates (your birth and death) and ?I?m everything I am because you loved me?. You are so heavy! But you were a big guy and Karen said you filled the entire urn.

I cleared off the top of our hutch, packed up the tea set and some of the mugs and glasses. I left out a couple of mugs I am sure belonged to you personally and the Ilsa/Rick Casablanca dolls and my Irish Barbie. And I put up there the two baseballs, the one that you bought from Ebay and the one we got from the Oldtimers? League. Then I got your Mets baseball cap and set it on top of the urn. Within seconds, it flipped off onto the floor. I wasn?t sure whether you were letting me know you were here and registering approval or disapproval. So I put the hat back on again and it is still there.

I had a little trouble lifting the urn out of the box. I thought it would jam and I might have to turn the box sideways so I took a deep breath, said ?help me, Rich? and I managed to get my hands down below a little lip that runs around the urn. I was able to pull it from the box. Thanks for helping me?you?re always there for me, my love. Karen thought so too when I told her the story about the spatula. I told Robin what happened and she got chills.

I played ?Sorry? with Kristin two times and found myself enjoying the game, spending time with her. Billy and Heidi didn?t want to play and I could tell Kristin was hurt. She wanted us to have ?Family Night? but I reassured her and said the two of us could have a family night. Another time Heidi and Billy will feel like playing with us.

Teddy sent me a link to his website. He is very religious it seems?into Bible based verse, which is what Alberta was trying to get me into. He told me he?s lapsed on that a bit since his wife died. It?s a nice website and what made me do a doubletake was a couple of things ? he?s got glasses and is heavy like you were, and he belongs to a union?the headquarters is in Farmingdale!! I thought hummmm?. He?s a really nice guy and a lot more fun to talk to than David. He?s been sending me these animated gifs that are so adorable! But this religious stuff?.ohhhhhh boy?.well it?s okay. I?m just interested in friendship for right now.

I still love YOU.

Love always,
Me

March 6, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

A couple of strange things happened today and yesterday. I must have dreamed about you both nights and during naps too because I can remember waking up to the crushing realization that you weren?t really here, you?re really dead. I must have been dreaming that you were alive. I can only remember the barest fragment of a dream, and that was to think, oh, no, he?s not here at all, and I felt so upset and depressed.

Yesterday I made a meatloaf and wished out loud that I knew where the metal spatula was?and here is something wild, just now I couldn?t remember what it was called. I typed first, scapula and thought, no that?s wrong and asked Heidi who looked at me like I head six heads and said the flat pancake flipper thing is called a spatula. What is wrong with me? Anyway, I was hanging up some laundry this morning in the basement and there it was in plain sight, right in my path for hanging up the clothes. I looked at it in complete amazement. It?s been missing for over a year, I?m sure, because I remember we thought Billy threw it out with the pizza box.

I brought it up and showed it to him, and his eyes got all big too and he asked, ?Where did you find it?? When I told him, he shook his head with disbelief and said how could it have been there? He would have seen it when he cleaned up and reorganized the basement.

?Anyone should have seen it, it was so out in view,? I told him.

He turned red a little. I don?t know what he thinks of life after death but I think he?s got some doubts now about his conviction that there?s no afterlife.

It?s true, Rich, ANYONE should have seen that spatula ? but as many times as we?ve been in the basement, hanging clothes, bringing up boxes, taking them back down, as many of us walked there?well, someone should have seen it. You know what I think? I think you moved it there so I could find it. Thank you, sweetie!

Billy feels vindicated. ?I knew I didn?t throw it out accidentally!? he exclaimed. We can figure out how it got down there too. It must have happened the last time you defrosted the freezer. Kristin remembered using it to scrape frost and ice from the shelves.

FAR OUT!!!

Love you,
Me

March 4, 2002
Well, sweetie, I really did it now. I have been having such trouble with that miserable computer of mine. It barely was functioning anymore. Yesterday, any time I opened a program I would get an error saying ?committed illegal operation, will be shut down, turn off all programs and restart your computer.? Well, I was trying to get a message out to Arline and this new guy, Teddy, and after two hours, I was still rebooting the computer and so I gave it a strong, vicious kick. The tower slammed against the back of the love seat and scared the heck out of Heidi. Well, it still ran after that but it still wouldn?t open any programs so I turned it off. :P I figured I would try again this morning ? except that it wouldn?t turn on at all. It was stone cold dead, like what happened to you.

I sent an email to Nancy S, hoping her husband Jeff could help out. This is going to suck if I can?t get it to turn on because I don?t have anything I wrote backed up. My journals for February and the first of March and all the short stories I wrote are all on the hard drive?and no where else. ARRRRRRRRRGH! Billy thought I might have kicked something loose on the inside, causing it to jam. Elfie called me and when I told her what happened she thought that perhaps something inside went bad, like the motherboard. I asked her if Billy?s guess might be right too and she said yes. What an idiot I am! Accomplished absolutely NOTHING. Blah. I?m going to wait a few days to see what happens and then I may take Teddy?s suggestion and buy a new Dell computer with Windows XP and Office 2000 on it.