February 27, 2002
I have been bad bad bad. I was supposed to go to an interpreting assignment yesterday and today, at a high school ? a play rehearsal. I got to the place yesterday and went inside, unnerved by all the young people. They laughed and I could swear they were laughing at me, the big fat interpreter. I thought about interpreting for this deaf kid and how he?d wince and feel uncomfortable about having a totally uncool interpreter. So I didn?t look too hard or long for the room, just split. I thought someone from the school would call and complain, but apparently they didn?t. Today was a really yucky day. I had a sinus headache and was coughing and gagging stuff up out of my throat. After Kristin got on her bus I went back up to lie down and I was out like a light, for two hours. It was raining, changing to snow and back again and I just thought ah, the hell with this. I don?t even want to get dressed. So I didn?t. I have been in pjs all day. Now is that irresponsible or what? I can?t do this again. My reputation will be destroyed and the kids will freak out. It?s a lousy example to set for them.

Rich, am I depressed or what?

I did manage to write a piece yesterday for a list I belong to. I recounted a childhood memory, not a very pleasant one. I remember my brother and me playing in a mud hole and we got all dirty. My mother was furious. She hit me so hard, I got a bloody nose. The only other clear memory I have is of her carrying me inside and laying me on the kitchen table with my head tilted back. She kept saying she was sorry and begged me not to tell my father. Lovely, huh?

I feel adrift, Rich. Things seem so pointless, meaningless. I?m not enjoying the computer or being online. I feel restless and impatient. I stopped getting mail from all the lists except the rpg (role playing game)s and the writers? list. The rpgs involve a little bit of creative writing but I don?t always feel motivated to participate. I used to be a heavy player. Now I think what?s the point? What a waste of time. I think the same thing about my fanfic now, too. I don?t enjoy it anymore. I just wish I?d come to these realizations when you were still alive. We take so much for granted. It?s so sad. What a waste. And now I?m wasting away more time, responsibility ? I have to pull myself back together.

Love you,
Me

February 26, 2002
Hi Rich,

I was working on a journal prompt today and I put my writing at the center of it. The prompt had to do with being ?stuck? and why it is difficult to RESOLVE to spend time writing instead of procrasting. I decided I would write for an hour, Internet for an hour. What do you think? Think I could swing it? The other thing I thought is: I?ll write FIRST before I allow myself to use the Net. Maybe that would work better, ya think?

I have to go to the High School and meet with Billy?s counselor this morning. We?re talking about his schedule for next year. He really has high ambitions, and has not even scheduled himself a lunch! I tried to talk him out of that idea but he wouldn?t hear of it. He says he?ll be fine. He?s gotten used to eating at 2. Yeah, but he eats TOO much. We all do! :P

February 24, 2002
Hi sweetie,

The last few days I haven?t wanted to stay on the computer very much. I feel as if I am wasting my time. At the same time, I am annoyed with myself for not starting a story, for not studying the medical terms?I?m really being hard on myself. It was a pretty good day today all in all. I cleaned downstairs, vacuumed and felt better with the way the place looked. Kristin?s friend Rachel came over and I took them over to Brady park for about an hour and a half. We walked around the pond (or whatever it is) and I looked at all the Canadian geese, ducks, and the swans. They looked really graceful. It didn?t really occur to me then, but I saw the swans and the geese in pairs. I wonder what the other bird does when its mate dies? Does it grieve forever or does it find a new mate? I don?t even feel like entertaining the thought anymore. No one could measure up to you, dear. The more I read guys? posts the more I realize that. It felt good to exercise. I wonder if the Paxil is helping me to get up and moving around. I?m not sure?I?m still eating way too many cookies. I have such a feeling of unreality about me. You?ve been gone now 9 months and it still seems so hard to believe! I still have this feeling of it happened yesterday, it happened a life time ago. I don?t like it this way, Rich. I miss you so very much.
Love you,
Me

February 23, 2002
You know, sweetie, these kids feel no shame at all sometimes? I?ve been walking around the house, cleaning up, putting the garbage out, and generally making it obvious that I?m trying to do something and most of the time the kids just sit there playing Nintendo or watching TV. I didn?t say anything to them ? but then they expect me to take them fun places and buy them things. It pisses me off. I took the kids out to look at a new bedroom set for Billy. I thought about getting him a loft bed and set to give him more room. We looked at one place yesterday and the two sets there cost $1200 and $1800, which didn't seem to faze him in the slightest?even though he knows I?m not working and we?re supposed to go to Disney World over Easter. Today we went back to look at another store. Meanwhile, the kids were not being cooperative at all about cleaning?not this whole week. So therefore we didn?t paint or do many of the other things I planned. The kids were basically at each other?s throats even before we went into this store. One set I looked at was only $800 and it was nice, like Heidi?s bunkbed set. I thought and maybe muttered he probably preferred the more expensive set and then Heidi said it aloud, that ?watch, he?ll want the more expensive one?. Well then Billy started to act like a two year old saying that although he liked THIS set better we couldn?t get it because Heidi said we had to get the expensive set. He?s saying all this loud enough for everyone else to hear it and I was mortified. So I said, ?Forget it, let?s go? and we went home. I tried to get Billy to understand how he was biting his nose off to spite his face but he just didn?t get it. Duh!! As far as he?s concerned all of this is Heidi?s fault. He doesn?t take any of the responsibility on himself. It?s so frustrating!

And I?m still procrastinating and not writing when I should be writing. I get so angry with myself. Then I tell myself to just get off the computer because I?m doing nothing. Well, you should be here NOW because you?d be spending a lot more time with me at this rate! But you?re NOT here and that just sucks big time!

Heidi went to the cookie booth sale at Greenstream and I went for a walk, the first one I?ve been on in months. And then I went home and ate lots of cookies. Well?at least it?s a start. God how I miss you, Rich. Even now I sometimes wonder if this isn?t some horrible nightmare I?m going to wake up from. I KNOW deep in my heart that you are gone but I guess I?m still in and out of denial. What a yucky feeling?

February 22, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Today was a pretty good day. Ashley was here with us again, and I had to go interpret at the hospital for a couple of hours. When I got back, I took all the kids to the bowling alley and bowled 3 games. Heidi gave up after one game but Billy, Kristin, and Ashley all bowled 3 games too. It was fun. I found a nice, light ball to use and I was fine. My shoulder and hands didn?t hurt at all. The only trouble was the cost. I wish bowling hadn?t gotten so expensive.

You know, out of the clear blue, my mother called last night. She asked perfunctorily how we were doing and then went on to tell me she was having cataract surgery on Tuesday and that she and my father were ?forced? to buy a new used car and that they were really strapped for cash. She wanted to know if I found a job yet and I said no ? later, it crossed my mind to wonder if she was going to hit me up for some cash. :P

Poem: "Funeral Blues," by W.H. Auden, from As I Walked Out One Evening (Vintage).

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

February 19, 2002
Hi sweetie,

We spent almost the whole day in bowling alleys. Kristin and Billy were to bowl in a tournament early in the morning. I hadn?t slept well, couldn?t get to sleep until after 1 so I was feeling really tired. Ashley came over around 8:30 and soon after, the four of us left for the alley. Heidi decided at the last minute she didn?t want to go. Well, Steve came in, saw me and asked, ?Where?s Heidi?? When I told him she decided to stay home, he said urgently, ?Go get her. I need her. I have kids cancelling on me right and left.?

I was doubtful about it but I called Heidi who sounded non-plused but agreed to bowl. I drove back home to pick her up and as expected, she was feeling fretful?people were going to be mad at her because she couldn?t bowl well, etc., but I soothed her and luckily Steve paired her with Billy. Kristin was on a team with three other boys. Actually the kids did okay, especially Kristin! It felt good to be in that bowling alley with the kids, cheering them on. I am so glad that Billy and Kristin wanted to join the league, and Heidi now says she?d like to try it next week.

Another one of my teeth broke today. What a pain in the ass this is. I haven?t gotten my dental cards yet and so I called Aetna and found out that the lady at work signed me up for a medical-COBRA instead of just the dental one. She is going to get the problem fixed tomorrow (I hope) but meanwhile I made an appt for next Thursday. I hope the tooth lasts that long!

And the biggest kicker of all was that Billy?s developed an allergy to augmentin so I called the dr and he called in a prescription?and it cost $75!!! Rich this sucks. An antibiotic costs THAT much??? Each one of us has to meet a deductible before the medical plan starts to pay for it. Even then, I still end up paying a minimum of $10 and usually around $25 for them. Widowhood SUCKS, being alone SUCKS, not having you there to root the kids on SUCKS.

And don?t say ?that which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger? or ?it builds character? ? after all we?ve been through I should have the strength of Superman and I AM already a character! I don?t need this extra shit! I want so much for you to be here?and I know it can?t be, I?m not kidding myself. I just miss you.

Steve reminds me of you. Sometimes it?s unnerving to look at him. His hair is like yours and he has a beard too, has glasses and he?s tall with blue eyes, broad shoulders?all like you, dear. It hurts to look at him sometimes.

I love you darling,
Me

February 18, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

It?s President?s Day and the kids have the week off. I talked to Heidi last night and it seemed to help. As usual, she feels like she?s getting the raw end of every deal. She said that she misses you and that seeing the orphaned cats at the shelter upset her too. I sent her an email this morning too. I got an email back from Nancy and she said that when she was praying last night she had a real strong sense that you were around me as well as other people. So I thank you for being there for me and maybe you were the one who had Em (a widowed friend) send me the flowers? I felt really offended at first but then I remembered what Carol said?that maybe this was the only way you had of sending me flowers and thank you for that, too. Thank you for being there for me. Sometimes it seems like I can feel your presence. I just wish I could be more like Coral or the other ?sensitive? people and REALLY hear, see, feel, touch or smell you. I?ve been sleeping with your coat over me the last few nights.

Later ? the two girls went with Heidi?s friends from Girls Scouts to see ?Never NeverLand? (Peter Pan II) and I was really pleased that Heidi agreed to have Kristin go with her. It?s the first time Heidi really invited Kristin to go along.

We?d gone shopping earlier in the day?all the kids needed new clothes. We?ve all porked up, Rich, it?s like we gained you back over the months. Heidi and Billy weigh almost as much as me, Kristin weighs well over 100 pounds, probably closer to 120 and I must?ve gained back all the weight I lost with Weight Watchers and added another 10 or 20. It?s disgusting?well, anyway, we were in the store and Heidi looked at Kristin critically and told her, ?Don?t stand like that and pooch your stomach out. You?ve got a real pot belly.? I said sharply, ?Heidi!? and she gave me this ?I?m just trying to help? look, but I know that stuff is hurtful.

Anyway, I?m glad that Heidi decided to let Kristin go along.

I feel like I?m about to have a major panic attack and I?m not sure why. My adrenaline is really pumping but at the same time I feel light headed and sleepy. It must be the Paxil ? this really sucks. I?m not so sure the Paxil is helping me to feel any better. I have been taking less of the klonopin so maybe it?s that too.

I just read a post on WN from a widower of 16 months who STILL has trouble believing this has happened. To be honest, I have trouble believing sometimes that this life is reality now. It is just so fucked up. I can?t believe you are not here with me now and I can?t believe so much time has passed.

Love you,
Me

February 17, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Would you believe it? All the kids are sick again! Today is a gloomy kind of day and there?s nothing I would like better than to just curl up with a good book ? but I don?t think that?s going to happen. Already Kristin is restless?

Yesterday we spent a couple of hours at the dr?s office again because Billy got worse and complained his throat hurt. Dr. D gave Billy zithromax to take?and gave the same thing to Kristin too just 3 days ago?anyway we saw Dr. Mike and he looked at Billy. He told me Billy?s ears, sinuses and throat were all flaming red. He gave us augmentin for Billy to take. He told me that they were finding that zithromax was ineffective in about 30% of kids with infections, so I asked him if he wouldn?t look at Kristin too. So he did and sure enough, there was pus on her throat too!

I woke up in the middle of the night, I don?t remember if it was Valentine?s Day or the day after, but it felt like I was being awakened and when I opened my eyes I heard Celine Dion?s ?Because You Loved Me? come on the radio. Right away I smiled and said, ?Thank you, Rich? because I really thought it meant you were there. Do you remember when I emailed you the lyrics and you said you thought they were so beautiful you cried? Well, I wrote you a letter the day you died and I took those lyrics and tucked them into your pocket.

And on Friday, your urn FINALLY arrived. It?s lovely and it has your name and the dates on it?and I?d also asked the craftsman to engrave ?I?m everything I am because you loved me? on it ? from the very same song. I thought yes, Rich, you ARE here, aren?t you? Now I just need to go back to the funeral home and ask them to transfer your ashes to the urn and then we?ll bring you home where you belong. I know you never wanted to be in the house, thought it was morbid, but you also didn?t like the idea of a cemetery, never visited your mother?s grave?I would probably do the same thing and I just couldn?t. I?d rather have you here and on special occasions we don?t have to go to some depressing cemetery. You?re not there anyway, your soul is free now.

I still miss you so much.

I saw Dr. R and I don?t know if she can help us but it?s worth a try. We?ll also start seeing the dietician.

The kids have this week off. I?d planned to paint the house but can?t if the kids are all sick. Maybe just some heavy duty cleaning?

I love you still,
Me

PS The day has been just full of ups and downs. Heidi came back from her camping trip and was all out of sorts and we had a huge blow out. I couldn?t get her to listen to me and was on the verge on panic and rage. What if I couldn?t get her to go upstairs? But finally she got up and went upstairs and I called my friend Nancy S, crying my eyes out and feeling like a real incompetent fool. Nancy had some good ideas?I thought I would try it and see if it works. One idea is to email Heidi and invite her to email me back. Another was just to talk to her. So I talked to her and it was much better but I?m also going to send her an email?

God I miss you so much.

February 14, 2002
Hello my love,

I put off writing to you as long as possible but I did want to write to you today. I miss you so much. I was thinking today about how you proposed to me on Valentine?s Day in 1984, and it seems so long ago ? I can still see us, though?I see you in the kitchen futzing around with that fortune cookie, obviously trying to get your little slip of paper into it. I smile, remembering that scene and how shocked I was that you?d go through all that trouble. You were so romantic, so considerate and tender at times, Rich, before the anger between us. But during the last two years we got back a lot of the tenderness, the romance, the consideration. You were such a good man, definitely worthy of love, and I?m lucky to have had you in my life, my darling.

This morning I went into the basement to do laundry and as I was picking up clothes, I found a square of your shirt on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it, wondering how did THIS get here? It looked a lot like the square Kristin has in her comfort box ? she?d given it to me when I was crying so hard a couple of nights ago. I could have sworn she put it back in her box. Yet as I stood there holding the cloth in my hand I thought, you?re here, you?re letting me know that you are with me and trying to comfort me.

I went to see Dr. Rossof today and we talked some about what?s going on. She?s agreed to see me and her associate will see the kids and me together. It?s a lot of money, Rich, but it?s worth it. We need to be able to work together as a unit and not be at each other?s throats. And on the way home, I heard Faith Hilll singing ?There You?ll Be? and did you hear me say thank you? I?ve started to say thank you, Rich, when I hear the songs and when I think you?re contacting me?I want you to know that I know you?re there.

I didn?t think Valentine?s Day would hurt so much without you. I mean, we never made a really big deal out of it but then I thought about all the email cards we used to send each other, the messages that became more and more suggestive .. and the fact we were at work added to the excitement of it all. We had such passion together after an afternoon and messages like that. It was so much fun, I want you to know how much I enjoyed sending the messages and getting them from you ? and how very much I miss them this year. I miss YOU so much, my love, I miss everything about you, the way you used to look at me, the touch of you, you touching me, your smile? sometimes I still can?t believe that you?re really gone and that you?ll never be back?I?ll never feel you again or get any more emails from you?I wish to god I?d saved your emails now?Iwish I?d saved every letter and email you?d sent me. I wish I had your voice on tape, I wish I had your book of poetry ? I wish I could talk to you, just sit and talk to you, hold you again. Rich, I miss you so much! I never thought about living alone for 20-30 years without you?

This is so hard. I am so angry! We should have had this time together to enjoy as a couple. The kids are growing up ? what am I going to do when they?ve grown up and I?m all alone?

Billy?s been so sweet. All week he?s been making dinner. Today he made fresh French bread and then made a French toast out of it, saying he remembered you said you?d always wanted to try it. He?s been busting his backside all week making dinners, seemingly unflappable, very cool and calm and organized, taking care of all of it himself. You would be proud of him I think.

I miss you, my darling. Happy Valentine?s Day in heaven,
Love always,
Me