February 14, 2002
Hello my love,

I put off writing to you as long as possible but I did want to write to you today. I miss you so much. I was thinking today about how you proposed to me on Valentine?s Day in 1984, and it seems so long ago ? I can still see us, though?I see you in the kitchen futzing around with that fortune cookie, obviously trying to get your little slip of paper into it. I smile, remembering that scene and how shocked I was that you?d go through all that trouble. You were so romantic, so considerate and tender at times, Rich, before the anger between us. But during the last two years we got back a lot of the tenderness, the romance, the consideration. You were such a good man, definitely worthy of love, and I?m lucky to have had you in my life, my darling.

This morning I went into the basement to do laundry and as I was picking up clothes, I found a square of your shirt on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it, wondering how did THIS get here? It looked a lot like the square Kristin has in her comfort box ? she?d given it to me when I was crying so hard a couple of nights ago. I could have sworn she put it back in her box. Yet as I stood there holding the cloth in my hand I thought, you?re here, you?re letting me know that you are with me and trying to comfort me.

I went to see Dr. Rossof today and we talked some about what?s going on. She?s agreed to see me and her associate will see the kids and me together. It?s a lot of money, Rich, but it?s worth it. We need to be able to work together as a unit and not be at each other?s throats. And on the way home, I heard Faith Hilll singing ?There You?ll Be? and did you hear me say thank you? I?ve started to say thank you, Rich, when I hear the songs and when I think you?re contacting me?I want you to know that I know you?re there.

I didn?t think Valentine?s Day would hurt so much without you. I mean, we never made a really big deal out of it but then I thought about all the email cards we used to send each other, the messages that became more and more suggestive .. and the fact we were at work added to the excitement of it all. We had such passion together after an afternoon and messages like that. It was so much fun, I want you to know how much I enjoyed sending the messages and getting them from you ? and how very much I miss them this year. I miss YOU so much, my love, I miss everything about you, the way you used to look at me, the touch of you, you touching me, your smile? sometimes I still can?t believe that you?re really gone and that you?ll never be back?I?ll never feel you again or get any more emails from you?I wish to god I?d saved your emails now?Iwish I?d saved every letter and email you?d sent me. I wish I had your voice on tape, I wish I had your book of poetry ? I wish I could talk to you, just sit and talk to you, hold you again. Rich, I miss you so much! I never thought about living alone for 20-30 years without you?

This is so hard. I am so angry! We should have had this time together to enjoy as a couple. The kids are growing up ? what am I going to do when they?ve grown up and I?m all alone?

Billy?s been so sweet. All week he?s been making dinner. Today he made fresh French bread and then made a French toast out of it, saying he remembered you said you?d always wanted to try it. He?s been busting his backside all week making dinners, seemingly unflappable, very cool and calm and organized, taking care of all of it himself. You would be proud of him I think.

I miss you, my darling. Happy Valentine?s Day in heaven,
Love always,
Me

February 13, 2002
Hi Rich,
I?ve been too out of it to write even to you. I haven?t been doing much writing ANYWHERE. Yesterday I blew up on one of the lists I belong to because yahoo, which hosts the lists, has been inserting Valentine ads in all the posts. This is what I wrote:

If I have to look at one more fucking "he loves her he loves her not show her" with a bouquet of red roses I am going to SCREAM. Here I am politely trying to get through the 14th and I have yahoo shoving these friggin flowers in my face HA HA NO FLOWERS FOR YOU THIS YEAR THEY DON'T GROW THEM IN HEAVEN every freakin post. Not every once in a while... Not every other one. Every single friggin post...
so everything's going in the garbage, unviewed.
See everyone on the 15th...
Cheers! :P
Me

What was really weird was very shortly after I sent the post out, the ads went away. I remember wondering at it at the time?and then I heard from another list member named Carol. She wrote me this:

I was sent this by a very dear and cherished friend. When I read how
you felt at the list, I knew this little story was for you. Please read it
all the way through. I know you'll cry, but did you ever think that
maybe Rich was trying to give you roses in the only way he knew how?




> >Subject: Fw: Yellow Roses
> >
>> >
> > > READ THIS!!!! and then reread it. Especially the last part...
> > >
> > > I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in
> > > buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of
> >37
> > > years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet
> > > memories. Rudy often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend
> > > to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to.
> > > I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses
> >in
> > > his hands. Rudy knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with
> > > grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery
> > > shopping was different since Rudy had passed on. Shopping for one
> >took
> > > time, a little more thought than it had for two. Standing by the
> > > meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how Rudy
> > > had loved his steak.
> > > Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a
> >
> > > soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large pack of
> > > T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them
> >back.
> > > She
> > > turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
> > > She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My busband
> > > loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."
> > > I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.
> > >
> > > "My busband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at the
> > > package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice,
> >"Buy
> > > him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together." She
> >shook
> > > her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package
> >in
> > > her basket and
> > > wheeled away.
> > > I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the
> >dairy
> > > products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should
> >buy.
> > > Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream section near
> >the
> > > front of the store. If nothing else, I could always
> > > fix myself an ice cream cone. I placed the ice cream in my cart and
> > > looked down the aisle toward the front.
> > > I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming
> > > towards me. In her arms she carried a package.
> > > On her face was the brightest smile I had even seen.
> > > I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept
> >walking
> > > toward me, her eyes holding mine. As she came closer, I saw what she
> > > held and
> > > tears began misting in my eyes. "These are for you," she said and
> >placed
> > > three
> > > beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through
> >the
> > > line,
> > > they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a
> >gentle
> > > kiss on my
> > > cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what
> >the
> > > roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away
> >as
> > > tears clouded my vision.
> > > I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue
> >wrapping
> > > and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer
> > > seemed so
> > > clear. I wasn't alone. "Oh, Rudy, you haven't forgotten me, have
> >you?"
> > > I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was
> >
> > > his angel.
> > >
> > > Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
> > > (Please read all of this, it is really nice)
> > > This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your
> > > friends, including the person that sent it to you.
> > > Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings.
> > > Thank you, Lord, that I can hear.
> > > There are many who are deaf.
> > > Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning
> > > light as long as possible. Thank you, Lord, that I can see.
> > > Many are blind.
> > > Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising.
> > > Than you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise.
> > > There are many who are bedridden.
> > > Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost,
> > > toast is burned and tempers are short, my children
> > > are so loud. Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are
> > > lonely. Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures
> >
> > > in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.
> > > Thank you, Lord, for the food we have.
> > > There are many who are hungry.
> > > Even ghough the routine of my job often is monotonous. Than you,
> >Lord,
> > > for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
> > > Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my
> > > circumstances were not so modest.
> > > Thank you, Lord, for life.
> > > Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make
> >this
> > > world a better place to live, right?
> > >
> > > A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.
> > > A friend is someone to treasure. For friendship is a gift.
> > > A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace
> > > and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
> > >
> > > YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
> > > Now send this to every friend you have and don't forget me.

It hadn?t occurred to me to think of it that way before, that you were trying to send me the roses. That was comforting and then I felt bad because if that?s true then you meant well and here I was getting all mad about it. And the roses stopped coming. I felt so sad about that all of a sudden. None of this makes any sense at all, does it?

There was this Twilight Zone episode that always gave me the willies and that is what I thought of right away. A lonely old woman began to get odd phone calls and it was freaking her out. No one could figure out where the calls were coming from. The operator couldn?t trace them. The voice on the phone sounded like her dead husband and finally in a fit of fear and frustration she yelled, ?Stop calling! Don?t ever bother me again!? It happened that she and someone were out driving one day (maybe they were going to the cemetery) and they saw a phone line going to her husband?s grave. When she got home she picked up the phone and began calling her husband?s name and he said, ?You said not to bother you anymore and so I won?t??

And that was the end of the episode. But I don?t think you?d do that to me. I just wish I was more aware of you when you?re here. I wish I could FEEL you, see you, hear you.

I don?t enjoy anything anymore. The Olympics are on and I don?t watch them. I?m not able to write. My mind just drifts and drifts and I stare at an empty screen. I?m supposed to be learning medical terms so that I can work at home, filling out medical forms. Can?t seem to focus?but hopefully Dr. R will help? Or maybe not?I?m so blah?and sleepy and I have this splitting headache too. :P

February 11, 2002
A Prayer

Thank You for the gift of another day.
I rely on Your power for my strength.
I rely on Your presence for peace.
I rely on Your abundance for all the things I need.
Bless my mind that I might think clearly.
Bless my words that I might speak the truth.
Bless my eyes that I might truly see.
Bless the Earth and her people with hope
I hear Your voice on the winds and my heart is glad.
Amen ~j~

February 10, 2002
My head feels stuffed with partial ideas of stories, Rich. I?m just stuck trying to choose between them. Should I work on my fanfiction? Should I work on that one mainstream idea that I had started a couple of years ago? Should I try to make an online serial? I get so many ideas going at one time I stop, unable to function. Feel almost paralyzed. And yet I want to DO SOMETHING and so I feel very frustrated! Which idea should I go with? There?s the Falcon Crest story that Sylvia and I have been working on. I could do that except?how about the Dark Shadows one? Or, better yet, the widow one? I hate the way I feel! Yesterday all I did was copy over widow support posts because it seemed the ?safest? thing to do, there was no thinking to have to do, no decision making. ARGH! And the cable seems to be out on the internet so my means of escape is gone to me. I?m sorta forced into moving in one direction or another. Blah?

I feel so blah?I?m not sure if this paxil is helping or not. I sleep a lot. Feels like a lot of motivation and energy lately has just been sucked away. I?m too tired to battle with the kids, too tired to make them clean up after themselves. It just seems to much easier to give in. They aren?t bad kids, either?maybe just in need of attention?

Help me, Rich. I feel so alone?

Love you,
Me

February 9, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I don?t know if this Paxil is doing any good. I felt a little hyper yesterday and today, cranky after my nap. Maybe I don?t need to nap? I still don?t feel too much better but I expect it?s too early to tell?it?s only been two days.

This morning I took Billy to a College Partnership workshop and I ended up signing him up for it and the two girls as well. They seem to be kind of like Steve O?advisors, except in the education field. So I got some software for Billy to work on here at home and we?re going to start on the process of getting him through college. And the girls are both able to get into the program for $125 each. Billy?s membership costs almost $1,200 but it?s worth it if they can give us guidance and point us in the right direction for finding scholarship money and other financial aid.

I still have to do the taxes? :( I hate this time of the year. I hope we get some money back because that?s what I?m planning to spend in Florida.

I am at such a loss right now. I want to write?I don?t know what to write. I want to take down the posts from the widow support board. Then I think what for? It does seem to chronicle what I think and so for the time being, while my mind seems to be so fallow I figured that this would be better than nothing?this and making scans of the pictures that have come in recently?I just feel so useless sometimes. I think you should be writing be stories you oughta be doing this?

I need to give it a rest.

I was thinking about quitting interpreting all together now I?m thinking NO don?t give up, just cut back for a little while, then go back.

I?m so confused.

I wish you could help me. Maybe you can?give me a sign, a dream, something so that I know what I?m doing is okay?

I miss you so much, Rich.

I love you,
Me

February 8, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Well it would seem I?m not doing so well after all. I had a melt down at the National Center. I was already feeling frustrated and low because work was cancelled on me and then when I went in, the point of contact Kathleen was furious at the agency. Apparently they were having some employer/client practice interviews and there was supposed to be an interpreter there to do it. The terp showed up but through one mix-up or another called the agency and they told her to go home, she wasn?t needed. So Kathleen pulled me out of my program (which was nice & easy) to go do the interviews and then this roundtable discussion. I?m not sure how long that went on, but there were a LOT of people and my shoulder began to hurt like hell.

The next day (yesterday) I figured well, lightning won?t strike twice in the same place so I went in and damned if Kathleen wasn?t there AGAIN at 10, wanting to pull me out and drag me to this other meeting to team interpret for 2 hours at an interview skills lecture. I couldn?t believe it. I was furious. I should have said NO right off the bat and I should have called the agency but I was so stunned that by the time I thought of it I just LEFT. I made an appt for me and Billy to see the dr. Billy was having an asthma episode and my shoulder hurt like hell.

Dr. Dimeo gave me a cortisone shot and we were talking and I suddenly started to cry. I miss you so much, Rich. I try not to think about it but the last couple of days with all the ACOA crap being stirred up?it?s just happening. I asked Dr. Dimeo to hug me and he did but it?s just not the same. It?s not YOU. He talked me into trying paxil. I was surprised because I?m already taking the klonopin and the desipramine but I guess it?s not so effective now. I also wanted to come back and see the nutritionist.

I was crying, too, because I weigh about 240 now and the kids, Billy and Heidi, are only about 10 pounds lighter and even Kristin is over 100 pounds?and how did I let this happen? It?s horrible! I have to find a Y, a place where we can exercise, and I have to try and get us counseling again and in to see a dietician.

I thought I was doing okay, I really did. I miss you so much, baby?

Love you,
Me

February 5, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Long time, no talk to ? but it doesn?t mean I haven?t been thinking about you. I?ve been posting a lot on the widow support board. A thread came up about having alcoholic parents and how those issues might be affecting our grieving. I THOUGHT it had to be, Rich, because I loved you so much. It doesn?t feel right that I?m not grieving you more. It might be this old ?hero? stoicism coming up again?have to be strong, have to be brave, don?t think about not having you because I can?t stand it. Hell, I can feel myself holding people at bay, friends and family as well. I avoid contact with them and have almost been in seclusion. I use the excuse that I want to write, I want to write ? but then I?m not writing either.

Kristin did so well bowling tonight! I talked to Steve (the league manager) about Big Brothers for Billy ? I?m hoping something pans out. And I made arrangements for us to go to Orlando this spring ? the first week of April. I am DETERMINED that we are going to get there this time and we?re going to have a good time. Heidi and I are at odds again and I?m pushing her away. I have to stop that. I think to myself sometimes that she makes herself so unlikeable but that means she needs me ? and I can?t push her away.

Back to that ACOA stuff. It still comes back to bite me on the ass. I feel like a total screw up right now ? that I?m wasting my time on things that don?t matter when I should be focusing on my writing. It?s to the point, though, where I?m sick of listening to myself whine about it ? shit or get off the pot! Write the story or don?t write it!

It?s just like that quote of yours, the line Yoda says in ?Star Wars?: ?Try not! Do! Or do not! There is no try!? It makes a lot of sense?it?s what I should do about the parenting, the grieving, the writing ?

Love you dear,
Me

January 31, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

Between problems with the computer and going back to work, I?ve become lazy about writing again. I just have to keep trying. I?ve been feeling moments of sadness all week. I?ll think about you and something that we might have done together or I?ll drive by someplace and I?ll think about the last time we were there ? I haven?t had any bouts of crying which might actually help me. I?ve just felt generally blue.

I found out that a girl has been harassing Billy about his weight and even making crude sexual comments to him like ?suck my dick?. Billy never said a word about it himself but his teacher, Mrs. C, called to tell me about it and about how she wasn?t going to put up with it. This girl apparently has ?issues? ? she is the only black girl in the class, lives in a foster home, and HER father died not long ago. So she?s angry. You know what, though? Billy is angry too! And I am at a loss to know how to get through to him. I almost posted on the WN board to get the male POV and then I didn?t because I saw a thread there about heavy women and I felt uncomfortable. Not all the guys were against heavy women but I still decided not to post because that?s one of the problems Billy has?he is too heavy.

So is Heidi. So is Kristin. And me. We?re all way too overweight. I?ve already done some things to try and help us all by not bringing fattening snack foods into the house. The kids are pissed. I feel hassled. I sure could use your help here.

Last night Heidi accused me of not listening. She said she wished you were here and that you would listen to all sides of the story. So I tried. And we made some agreements and compromises I hope we?ll stick to.

I miss you so much, Rich. I think I?ve been covering it up a lot and putting it on the ?back burner? because what else am I going to do? You?re gone, you?re not coming back. I have to make do somehow. But of course I wish you were still here.

Love you,
Me

White Dream
White Dream

After receiving the relentless news
and experiencing the terrible invasion,
I was strangely unafraid, and even glad
as I sank into each day as into a soft pillow
and wafted like a child into healing sleep.
Perhaps it was simply resignation.
I knew it as unconditional peace.
Pain, I knew, would come later.
Let it.
I turned over on my pillow
and sank into another
white dream.


by Robert Friend, from Dancing With A Tiger: Poems 1941-1998 (Spuyten Duyvil).

January 24, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I was waking up every couple of hours last night. I remember thinking that you were there, trying to communicate but I don?t remember anything else. I guess it didn?t work out and that?s why I feel irritable today? It?s a rainy, miserable day and I?m not feeling well. Billy?s sick now too; both of the girls have been sick.

Today Kristin is 10 years old. Imagine, huh? I remember after you died, Kristin said it wasn?t fair that you didn?t live long enough to ?even see me in my double digits.? So she?s 10 and I?ve been cranky with her this morning already. Last night at 9 o?clock she tells me she needs cookies or donuts for the class. I?m going to run out this morning for a couple boxes of cookies for her class and some cheesecake for later. She wants to go to the same Chinese buffet where we went on our anniversary?the restaurant you never got to try.

Do you remember when Kristin was born? I just can?t believe it?s been ten years! I remember being awake most of Thursday night into Friday the 24th. My contractions were uncomfortable enough to keep me awake or wake me up if I?d drifted off but never together consistently enough to wake you and have you take me to the hospital. I wanted you to have some rest ? you were still on the night shift. I remember sitting on the bed and watching you sleep as I had the contractions. I also remember being resentful and angry toward you ?not about the birth, but about something else. It?s funny, I don?t remember what it was, your weight or an argument?it hardly seems important now.

I had an appointment to see Ellen Ray that morning?the midwife who delivered our kids. I told you I?d been up most of the night and we decided to bring Billy and Heidi with us in case I really was in labor. You were going to take them to friends of ours if I was in labor. And the funny thing is when Ellen examined me, she gave me an odd look and said, ?You ready to have this baby today?? I was about six or seven cm dilated!

Ellen and I walked the bridge from the doctor's office to the hospital while you took the kids to our friends. By the time you got back, I was dilated to almost 10 cm and that?s when labor stopped. We walked around; I took a nice warm shower (I remember that!) and we tried a bunch of other things, including inducing me. I was exhausted by the time I was supposed to push and didn?t want to do anything at all. Ellen, who didn?t know what was going on, was under pressure to get to her daughter?s gym meet.

It was uncomfortable and difficult and when you finally were born, Ellen exclaimed with surprise, ?Oh, she?s sunny side up!? Kristin was posterior, totally turned around, and I?d been experiencing such back labor that my nerves were inflamed and I couldn?t walk for the first two days. We held little Kristin, first me and then you, and then you went back to get some sleep and then get the kids before coming back to the hospital. Ellen went off to the meet ? do you remember? Her daughter, Elise, was in the Summer Olympics in Sydney in summer, 2000. We watched her on TV.

I spent all afternoon with Kristin in my arms. It seemed like everyone forgot at me. The floor of the room was still covered with blood, I was feeling messy and couldn?t walk by myself?but I enjoyed bonding with the baby. Just before you got back with the kids, they finally moved me up to my room. I kept baby Kristin in the bassinette when you came in with Billy and Heidi. Billy wanted to see Kristin right away and I have a darling picture of the three of you together. Heidi just wanted to sit in my lap. I stayed on the bed and didn?t say anything then about not being able to walk.

Thank God it cleared up. I have a feeling people thought I was faking it but then everyone could see I really couldn?t make my legs move to take steps. It was really scary.

I thought when I woke up several times that you were around because, of course, I have been thinking about you a lot today. I?m going to try and go back to sleep a bit this morning before taking Billy to school for his mid-term. I love you so much, Rich.
For a while, we sort of lost that, didn?t we? For a few years after Kristin was born we were just so out of sync with each other. I?m so glad we got it all back in the years before you died. I will always love you.