January 18, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?ve got such a terrible headache right now! I thought Ashley?s grandmother Marilyn or her aunt would have picked her up long before now (it?s after 7) but when 6 came and went I began to get a little suspicious and so I asked Ashley for her grandmother?s phone number at work. It turns out Marilyn was supposed to work until seven (I didn?t know that) and that the aunt was working until 6:30 but had to wait for a friend to pick her up and bring her here. The aunt apparently lost the key to the car? It was some oddball story. Anyway, I was annoyed. Someone should have called me to tell me, don?t you think? No one did. I decided that instead of going to Burger King we?d have subs delivered. Kristin had a fit but I don?t care. The aunt said she?d be here at 6:45 and still she isn?t here ? and I suspect that the delivery boy will be here before either the aunt or the grandmother shows up! If that happens, I?ll offer Ashley some applesauce or a fruit cup. I?m very very hungry, so hungry that?s why I have the headache. I feel resentment toward Marilyn because I?ve been doing her lots of favors, watching Ashley for free and I think it?s not asking too much to ask for a courtesy call. ARGH!

Love you,
Me

January 16, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Yesterday I wrote like a person possessed, all kinds of stuff !K writing exercises, a soap story (exactly 250 words) about us to Soapet, lots of posts to the Widownet board, some fanfiction !K and today I have done little to nothing. It!|s pitiful being such a lackadaisical writer. The exercises are helping me build confidence though. Now I just gotta move my ass. You were right !K I CAN write. Now I have to apply myself.

I have the writing exercise in a separate journal because it has nothing to do with us !K it!|s more about my parents and I didn!|t think it would be good to have you and my parents in the same journal. ?? Here is what I submitted to Soapnet:

!?Don!|t you leave me,!? my husband and soulmate said to me in a choked voice, clutching my hand tightly. His eyes filled with tears and he looked more frightened than I!|d ever seen him before. My appendix had ruptured and we were spending a few last moments together before I was taken for emergency surgery.

!?I won!|t,!? I assured him, and I didn!|t. Instead, he left me although he did not mean to or want to.

We!|d survived already HIS heart surgery, in 1987. He developed congestive heart failure at 27, and the doctors discovered he had cardiomyopathy (an enlarged heart) due to a genetic disorder of connective tissue called Marfan Syndrome. He was stable for so long, I guess we just got used to living with the Sword of Damocles over our heads. At first a doctor told me not to make any "long term plans with this man." Like that? He went on and said don't have any more children, don't buy a house together, he won't be around in five years. So much for the doctor!|s advice !V five years later, I was having our third child and Rich was still in stable condition although he had occasional bouts of !?skipped beats!?.

In April, 2001, Rich fainted; his heart was beating too fast. In the emergency room, I found myself saying the same words to him: !?Don!|t you leave me.!? He didn!|t then and came home. He died on May 23, and half my heart was taken away.

It was really really hard to keep THAT to 250 words, Rich!

January 14,2002
Sweetie,

It?s just about 3 in the morning, and I woke up about 45 minutes ago. I had trouble falling asleep in the first place and then woke up and felt like I couldn?t go back. I had this strong desire to come down here and go on the computer. I fought it for a long time because ? you?re going to think this is crazy. I was thinking, what if it?s because I want to be out of the bed and not lying there cold and dead when Kristin wakes up in the morning? What a horrible thought. I was afraid to come down here and start typing because I was afraid my heart would stop ? just like yours did. I finally did come down and I told myself the only way to calm myself is to get it all out and type.

You see, I?m also supposed to do a small interpreting assignment for the agency at local college, and I don?t want to do it. I?m very angry with the agency although a lot of this is MY own fault! And I?m lying there thinking, I don?t want to go to this assignment, how do I get out of it? Call in sick? They gave me three days a week at the National Center ? what if they take that away from me? So I?m going round and round in circles, part of me thinking: I don?t care, let them take it away. Part of me thinking: are you crazy? You NEED this work! I need help here. What should I do?

I just sat here praing to God, my angels and to you, Rich, seeking guidance and an answer. I think I?m being selfish with the way I?m feeling about interpreting ? or am I? What should I do?

Trust yourself. You?re instincts are good. You must trust yourself and follow a lead that may go 2down a path you may not expect. You cannot go into a siituation angry and resentful. You have to find your way past the anger and resentment and the answer lies there. You must trust the inner voice that is guiding you. It?s telling you something for a reason. Listen to it.

Well that is what I just now typed after doing the meditating and the deep breathing and calling for help. This looks like the answer I wanted. Is this me talking? Is it an angel?s voice? I am torn with doubts now. I?m still confused and unsure what to do next. I wish you were here to help me, Rich, it?s just a lousy two hours! And yet, even when it was offered to me, instinctively I felt like I shouldn?t take it. I did it anyway only because I figured we needed the money?still I feel like I?m being tossed bones by the the agency .. and that this wouldn?t be a good situation.

You know that they changed everything around to make it more difficult for interpreters? Now we have to submit our own invoices! I think they?re trying to square it with the IRS to show that we really are ?independent contractors? and not their employees. It?s not fair. We have to pay out so much for taxes and expensese and a lot of times it?s not even reimbursed. That makes me mad. I remember when I got their newsletter I thought, boy, I never want to work for them again?and I don?t I really don?t want to.

I don?t know what will happen if I don?t go to this assignment. I do have some online applications to fill out. Maybe there?s a way to work from home. I did send in an application to DHIS?maybe there?s a way to work for just them and for Mill Neck. It?s a chance I?m suddenly very willing to take.

I?m also thinking to myself: call Hospice. Call Joanne. You?re in trouble now and you don?t even know it. Call her and tell her what?s going on. Get help get help get help.

Frankly, I think I must have some kind of serious personality flaw?some THING just like my father?s that makes me think I?m so superior and above all this ? that I can do exactly as I please and to hell with the consequences. God! That is scary, too ? to think that I am just like HIM. God help the kids, then, because my dad is the most irresponsible loser there is. He didn?t want to work ? I don?t want to work ? if I could find a way out of it, I would ? and I guess this is it. I can use the other stuff as an excuse but the bottom line is that for years I have not wanted to work, I have not wanted to do ANYTHING but type stories on the computer and who the hell do I think I am to be able to do that? This is going to hurt the kids and hurt me too!

And now that I?ve beaten myself up about it and put myself on a good old guilt trip, what now?

Call the agency and tell them I?m not going to the assignment?
Go ahead and do it? It?s just two hours?

Must call Joanne at Hospice. Must settle this issue and get all these other issues squared away ? this really SUCKS!

I did a little surfing on the net and checked into this automatic handwriting?the message really is supposed to come from an angel, a spirit guide, or from you. I called and cancelled myself off that job and feel an enormous sense of relief?but my gosh, what am I going to do for money? If I lose the other assignment NYSD gave me I won?t have anything ? but then again, something will work out. It always does.

You know, Rich, the urge to get up and come downstairs instead of going back to sleep was SO strong ? and so far I?m still here ? I wonder if something might have happened had I gone to the community college? I don?t know?

Still looking for guidance,
I love you,
Me

January 13, 2002
When I see the word ?blue? I think of the color of your eyes, Rich. They were a lovely shade of sky blue, very expressive, warm and loving. Most of the time they were hidden behind your thick glasses but when you took them off when we made love or when you were trying to fix something up close, I could see them. I didn?t realize how lovely your eyes were until you took your glasses off and the funny thing is, you didn?t believe me or you?d give me this skeptical look sometimes? but I think you were pleased.

When I hear the word ?word? blue it makes me think first about your eyes and the look in them when you?d ask me, ?Do you know how much I love you?? And I always would have something self-deprecating to say because I wondered myself WHY you loved me. Was it because of me or was it because I loved you? Does that make sense? I think my love for you grew because of how much you loved me. I guess it just self-perpetuates itself.

Another thing I think of is your shirts. Your favorite color seemed to be blue and you always looked so good in blue. I think of the long sleeved blue shirt I chose for you to wear at the wake and how I wish I could have had it back intact but they had to cut it up the back to get it to fit you. It was one of your favorite shirts and one of your newer ones. I think I?ll have a teddy bear or something made from it. I liked the way the shirt looked on you, bringing out the color of your eyes.

And the other thing I think of when I hear ?blue? is how I feel to go on living without you. I know that you are here with me, Rich. I know that you love me and I love you too. Still, I miss the hugs, the touches, the intimacy, the sound of your voice and oh, yes, the ?blue? of your eyes when you?d look at me with such devotion and love?God, I miss you, honey!

January 12, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I guess I didn?t tell you about Mouse ? but you MUST know about her. I?m sure you were there when we got her. Heidi?s been wanting her own cat especially since we went to PA and she made friends with Alberta?s cat, Snowshoe. She seems so needy, the ?nothing is ever enough kid? and so I said yes, sure, we could look at the shelters and find a cat. I got sick, though, and so did she after we got back and when she began to feel better she started asking about the cat again. Last Friday, I said okay, we?ll look this weekend.

On Saturday, Jan. 5th, Heidi, Kristin, and I drove over to Petsmart first. They had a couple of older cats there. Heidi decided she wanted a cat and not a kitten. These were REALLY older cats, 3 and 5 years old, supposedly a brother and a sister and Heidi didn?t want to separate them. I remembered how to get to the Oyster Bay Animal Shelter and remembered the man said they had several cats a year and older, so we went there next.

There were three cats in the lobby. One of them was already howling as we walked in and it seemed to put off or scare the girls. The guy behind the counter said the cat was just moved there and was scared. It was pretty?completely gray. Anyway, I told the man we were here to adopt a cat and he had another animal control officer take us to the back to visit the cats available for adoption.

The first cat we looked at looked like Paddywhack, the cat we had in Maryland. She was very affectionate with Heidi, bumping her head and rubbing against her. Heidi already was in a dither. ?Mommy, I don?t know what to do!? she exclaimed.

?Just pet them and call to them and see how they respond to you,? I advised.

We looked at the next cat, a tabby like Kushna. He was reserved and withdrawn so he didn?t stay with us very long. I said to the lady that we?d like to see the three cats in the front, but Heidi suddenly said she wanted the black and white. She was definitely sure about that so I went back out to the front to talk to the officer and arrange for the adoption. I found out her name is Mouse (cute name) and the officer added she was brought in yesterday by a man. The cat belonged to his wife.

The officer stopped there but all of a sudden, it was like I KNEW that we had been led to this cat. ?The man?s wife died, didn?t she?? I asked.

The officer looked up at me, surprised. ?How?d you know THAT??

I said, ?Because my husband died.? It didn?t make any sense to HIM. He mumbled he was sorry. It made sense to ME. I felt like you?d led us to this cat because you knew that Heidi needed her. I added, ?I just think we were meant to have this cat.?

The man gave me an odd look but didn?t say anything. We completed the paperwork and took Mouse home. She?s been fitting in really nicely, Rich. Amber tolerates her just fine. They haven?t fought at all although they haven?t become buddies. I took her to the vet to have her checked out and they found ear mites but we got medicine for that. Mousie hates it. She also seems to be very gassy and the assistant asked for a stool sample but to be honest, I can?t remember how you get one. :P

More later, darling,
Love you,
Me

January 11, 2002
Hi love,

What a rotten day today ? a carryover from last night! The kids were absolutely miserable last night, disrespectful, nasty, fighting with each other, leaving their junk everywhere and I?m at my wit?s end. I?m too soft on them, I know, but I can?t seem to get them to listen to me without the insults and nasty attitudes. I was so disgusted. Then Kristin got sick, puking until almost 3 in the morning, and I feel rather sick myself. Ugh. Heidi woke up with a stomachache and I just said to her, look, just stay home then because I?m not going to feel well enough to come and get you. I don?t know if I?ll get a chance to do automatic handwriting today.

Steve O called last night and it was during the last fifteen minutes of Survivor, like 9:45 p.m. so I wasn?t too happy about that and then on top of that he was asking these questions about work, no work this month either? What about next month, what?s that situation look like? What about the Montessori school? I wanted to bite his head off. I know he?s just trying to help?I tell myself I?m doing the best I can, but am I? Maybe I should be doing something different, like a temp job.

The problem with that is that it is a lot less money, also not steady income and what do I do if a kid gets sick? I really don?t like the way the interpreting is going though ? I just feel this malaise about everything, though ? I wish I knew what to do.

January 10, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Last night and today I have been feeling restless, irritable ? and maybe useless. No interpreting work has come in yet. There is work for February and I?m sure we can squeak by using savings this month. I hate doing that stuff. That?s part of the reason why I feel cranky. The other reason is because I?ve been sluffing off on the writing, although I HAVE been finding time to pray and do automatic handwriting everyday. It?s not the same as writing, though. I thought about keeping a separate journal for automatic handwriting and then I thought, that?s going to get REALLY confusing. So I?m going to try and keep them together for the now.

On Tuesday, I was focusing more on angels and this was the first message that came through. This is from two days ago, January 8th:

Look into your heart for the inner beauty and truth and don?t be afraid to bring it forth. Love is everything. Love everyone. When you give your love away it will be returned to you threefold. Love never dies. Love endures beyond everything, wars, personal disagreements, strife, personal problems. All of these unpleasant realities will pass, leaving love in its place. A person?s color or religion does not matter. We are all brothers and sisters in the Light of God and His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Let us stand hand in hand in fellowship and love for each other and give praise. Blessings will come to those who love and who help to bring the message to all.

After I finished writing, I did some breathing and thanked God and the angels, and then I began to think about you for awhile, holding me, comforting me and pretty soon I was writing again:

I am here with you always. I will try to send you a sign but you have to open your eyes and look for it. You were never too observant (got an impression of you laughing, comparing me to your mom) and I?ve been sending you lots of signs that you haven?t seen. I don?t want to use a club (which I told Coral to suggest to you!) because you know I?d never hurt you. Just listen for a song or look for the butterflies and it will click and you?ll realize you got the message.

Coral and the other friends I?ve made from AngelVoice swear up and down that you and angels are writing these words because I am not aware of thinking them. They just sort of come out. The next day I prayed and thought only of you and this is what I got for January 9th:

I could see you going through the box from work. I remember each and every beanie toy you gave me and when and kept them in my cubby because I loved them and I love you. I loved the sewing Billy made for me. You are right to ask him if he wants it back and you?re right to give the little toys away. You can take my beanies out wheenever you want to. They?re for you now and the same goes for the rock pool. I couldn?t use it often at work ?cuz of the noise it made but I really did love it just as I love you and always will. I am here. I wish I could hold you and kiss you the way you want but please know how much I still love you.

I spent an hour cleaning our room yesterday, thinking to myself that you?d often suggested breaking a job down into hour long chunks. One thing I did was go through your box from work, half hoping that the poetry book might be there. I found all these little beanie toys I gave you over the years and my eyes blurred with tears. There was a craft sewing project that Billy made for you that said ?I?d rather be fishing? and there were all the little McDonald/Burger King/Taco Bell toys you?d collected over the years.

I haven?t given the sewing back to Billy yet nor divvied up the toys but I will. This afternoon I have to take Mouse to the vet to have bloodwork drawn to see if she can hold up for a de-clawing operation.

Today, because I was feeling so yucky about procrastinating on everything I prayed for guidance and this is what I wrote:

The stories are in you. You have to stop being afraid to tell them. You know what you should be doing. You have to stop letting the Internet interfere with your work. Instead of practicing your skills, you go to check your email. Many times there is no mail and you wander back and forth between websites. Try using a practice exercise instead. Read books about the formulas for writing certain stories, like romance. You are afraid to begin. Don?t be afraid! Start our story in the middle if you want and then work backward and forward. Try to spend an hour every day reading about how to write. You can do this. We are all here to help you but you need to make the time and get started. Try for a shorter goal at first, maybe 15 minutes of writing and then keep building on it. And don?t feel you have to keep checking your email. It will still be there when you get back to it.

Now was that you? Doesn?t exactly sound like an angel, it sounds like something YOU would say but it also sounds like something I would say ? well, I will keep on trying this automatic handwriting. It?s interesting and it keeps me from missing you too much while I?m sitting here without you.

Love you always,
Me

January 7, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Today I tried the automatic handwriting. I waited for the kids to go off to school and then I turned on the radio. I drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, did that several times, thinking of you and exhaling saying your name. I had the picture we had taken of us at the Poconos on the table with me and I looked at it a few minutes. I felt a little nervous, wondering what would happen and then suddenly I began to write, and it wasn?t like I was thinking at all. The words just poured out of me:

Ask Ann R and Alberta about the filing cabinet.

You are in my heart forever. No matter where you go I will be there with you. I will take care of you. I will not leave you. I promised you I would never leave you and I won't because I love you too much.

The kids are doing great! You just need to spend a little more time with them and less time on the computer. They need you now. I'm proud of everything they're doing, proud that they are my kids. I wish I'd told them that more often.

You won't need the widownet list and the board as much anymore. They pull you down sometimes and you need to focus on your writing your real book. Don't be so afraid to write -- you have the stories in you. It's just a matter of believing in your self and doing it. Try making another journal if that helps. Use the ideas on the CD you bought and from the books. You can do this, don't be afraid to try, sweetie. I always thought you could write the Great American novel. Go with the idea you have now. It's the story of us. People would like to read that, Cass. It's a good story, a great story idea -- go with it!

I know that Billy and Heidi want to move closer to Milford. It would be nice if you could do that but let it happen. Don't try to force it or rush things. We always want what we want now. If you wait, the right opportunity will come along.

I know things look negative on the job front but we've gotten through this before, and we'll get through it again. Remember, that which doesn't kill us only serves to build our character and you've got a lot of that. Something will turn up. It always does.

Remember us from the Poconos. Those days were the best and I'm glad we got to have that together. I am glad to have had you in my life. In spite of the hard times and the fights our love was true. It is still there. It endures.

I will always be there for you. You can always depend on me for strength and encouragement -- whatever you need. Stay strong, knowing I'm right there with you, holding you, loving you, missing you, my darling. I will come back to you again and again and one day we will be together forever.

Okay, I blew it on the writing today but I?m getting off the computer early, Rich, and will limit the amount of time I spend on it. I?m getting off in fifteen minutes so that I can read to Kristin and get us into bed at a reasonable hour. I?ll get off earlier and earlier each night. And tomorrow I WILL do journal exercises.

I love you my darling,
Thank you for coming to me in a dream and thank you for that loving, supportive message!

Always with love,
Me

January 6, 2002
Oh sweetie,

You did come to visit me in a dream last night! It was so wonderful I am feeling a thrill filling me again. I remember being a little afraid but only because I knew that you were gone and just visiting. I didn?t see you clearly but I knew it was you. You whispered into my ear, very reassuringly. I couldn?t make out all the words but I thought I heard ?my darling?. You held me and rocked me against your chest. I could feel the movement. We made love, that was what scared me a little, how is it to make love with a spirit but I woke up feeling so LOVED and so glad that I?d finally remembered a dream with you. Oh, I hope this is just the beginning. I want more loving dreams?greedy aren?t I?

It does make me wonder about what happens if we do meet someone else? Do I let nature take its course? I really feel YOU are my soul mate, Rich. What if I met someone else and we hit it off ? what happens later? I want to be with you. What happens to the other guy?

January 1, 2002
Dear Rich,

And so it?s the start of another new year, you are not here and I have no job. Why am I not feeling anything? I should be raving, upset, cursing at you, me, God ? but I?m not. I have this feeling of almost malaise?a ?whatever? kind of feeling. Let?s see what tomorrow brings. That was NEVER like me. Am I changing? I feel that if one thing is changing it?s that I?m more connected to the kids ? I?m doing more things with them.

Billy at Pathmark at the height of shoppers? frenzy yesterday ? you wouldn?t have believed this kid. He had two special meals all planned out, one for yesterday, one for today. He?s been knocking himself out. It?s almost too much. Anyway, as he shopped in the store, people were crowding around, pushing, shoving and he was just totally oblivious. It was so cool to watch him in action; he was so calm, so unlike you, me and Heidi.

I?ve been going offline more often to do things with the kids, shopping, the movies?I?m learning not to kick myself for not having done this earlier.

I?m still procrastinating on the writing, though?give me a good swift kick, eh?

I love you and miss you,
Me