October 19, 2001

Happy anniversary, Rich,

It would have been sixteen years today and I spent the last two crying. I guess the dam broke. I had it with work and I?ve been home. I think that Gwen is going to try and find someone to replace me for two weeks. Ha! They couldn?t even replace me when Elfie was here ? it would be nice to have the time off. I want to write. I feel so trapped and I thought I would feel you more. I hoped to have dreams about you but that hasn?t happened and it just adds to the sorrow. I am picking up the rings today and taking the kids to that Chinese buffet restaurant you always wanted to try. I have a candle that I?m going to light for you and I?ll put the flowers I ordered in a vase for you with your picture and fill those balloons again and ? what? More and more you just seem so totally GONE. I thought I would have more of a sense of you here and I just don?t.

I picked up the flowers. They are really pretty. You were right about carnations?once time you told me that you liked carnations but the smell reminded you of funeral homes. I got fifteen carnations sprayed blue and one white rose. I picked up the rings and put them on the gold chain. I kissed your ring and I cried. The kids and I went to that Chinese buffet you wanted to go to ? the food was really good. I think you would have liked it. I lit your apple candle and I read this to you:

AND I WILL LIGHT A CANDLE FOR YOU

And I will light a candle for you
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I will light a candle for you.

The seasons come and go, and I'm weary from the change.
I keep moving on, you know it's not the same.
And when I'm walking all alone
Do you hear me call your name?
Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprises,
Always saw that something special deep within your eyes.
And through good times and the bad,
We carried on with pride.
I hold onto the love and life we knew.

And I will light a candle for you
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night.
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.

~Author Unknown~

And I was hoping I?d feel you or sense you or something ? damn.

I went into one of those medium rooms and nothing happened. No one called on me. I felt like a nobody in there.

This really sucks, Rich. I am so angry and resentful. I have these abandonment issues getting stirred up again. So what happened to ?I would never do that to you? and ?I?m not going anywhere? and ?I won?t leave you?? Why is it that other people can dream of their spouses or smell them or get some sense of them and I can?t?

Happy anniversary my ass.

It Takes ...
I don't know who to credit for this one. It wasn't me so I will say "Anonymous" for now.

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuses,
It takes courage to stop them.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

October 17, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I couldn?t sleep. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and heard the song, ?You?ll Be In My Heart? and I thought to myself, Rich had this song come on. I don?t know if you did or not. It would be nice to think you did; that you are thinking of us and are close by. I imagined you hugging me. Why is it that I hear about other people having visits and hugs from their spouses? but not me? All I dreamed about (that I can remember) is that I forgot to bring pictures and other memories of you to the next session.

There is a bioterrorism scare now. People in Florida, Washington, and New York have contracted anthrax from contaminated mail. One man died in Florida. I think he ate something contaminated with it. I had this dream that Billy inhaled anthrax and he died. I just couldn?t stand it and so I killed the girls and myself so that we would all be together. When I woke up I felt like I had done the only logical, rational thing but as the day went on I was horrified by it, horrified that it was okay with me to do that.

I talked to the social worker, Joanne, about it?from the bereavement group? She said it sounded like I was working out my fears (of the anthrax and terrorism) and my desire to be with you.

I wonder if these are the end times? I talked with another widow, Carol R, who is Kristin?s girl scout leader and she wonders that too. Why were we left behind?

I asked Donna a lot of questions about who she saw while she was in heaven and if they were happy. She recognized her aunt and grandparents so does this mean I?ll know you when I see you? And what about this idea that there is all this wonderful love and things to do ? it means we won?t really spend time together, doesn?t it? I think that makes me feel sad.

We did join that gym shortly after Elfie left. I went down and had a physical assessment. Except for how much I weigh, which really pulled my scores down, and my back and hands, I was ?fit? even in the bike riding exercise zone. I was encouraged by that. We went on Monday to work out, and now the issue will be to find the time during the week to work out, between the counseling and everything else. Tonight Billy has another boxing class but Heidi and I also have counseling with Roxanne and Denise.

Billy is doing so good! I hope you are proud of him. As the treasurer of the ninth grade class, he?s really into the SGA thing and invited some kids over to paint the banners for the Homecoming. It?s the same day a contractor is coming to waterproof the basement?finally!

And we have a two year lease to stay here in the house. I need to work on cleaning it up some more.

I want to have a family picture taken. So many things to do ?

Carol R invited us over for Thanksgiving. I think I?d rather go spend the day with her than with family, you know? It?s so awkward being with your family; they won?t talk about you. And I don?t really want to go to PA where your dad will probably drink and there will be trouble?

Well, I just totally lost it. I was on the Southern State, driving to work and suddenly I thought: I can?t stand this shit today. So I pulled off and called NYSD and said I needed a break. Our wedding anniversary is this Friday and I don?t want to spend my working days upstairs watching Donna file. And I?m sick of those people at TRI telling me how they can?t get along without me ? what the fuck would they do if I died tomorrow?

And I really do want to have Thanksgiving with Carol R and the hell with families.

I called your sister Linda today and can?t remember half of what she said. I was calling her because I know how much you loved her and how much she loved you. And I do like her. It was nice hearing her voice; I just couldn?t tell you what she said to save my life.

I?m going to pick up my new ring necklace tomorrow. I think I will take us all out for dinner on Friday, our anniversary. I will be thinking of you, my darling. I?ve been thinking of you tonight?I miss you and I love you. I know eventually I will be all right and will go on, it?s just so damn hard?

Love you forever,
Me

Strength Born of Pain
I would say to those who mourn ... look upon each day that comes as a challenge, as a test of courage. The pain will come in waves, some days worse than others, for no apparent reason. Accept the pain. Do not suppress it. Never attempt to hide grief from yourself. Little by little, just as the deaf, the blind, the handicapped develop with time an extra sense to balance disability, so the bereaved, the widowed, will find new strength, new vision, born of the very pain and loneliness which seem, at first, impossible to master.

--Daphne du Maurier

October 16, 2001
October 16, 2001

I?ve really been having a tough time journalling to you this month, my love. I?ve been keeping myself and the kids really busy. Last week Kristin and Heidi were both sick and so I never wrote you any letters at all. :(

Today I went back to work and was in a down, pissed off mood. They have me doing an internship with Donna, who is a highly skilled deaf woman?why does she need a babysitter? I?m just sitting there twiddling my thumbs. And then she starts telling me about hearing voices?God?s voices, visitiing heaven while she was in a coma, and I?m half believing her, half wondering if she?s nuts and just thinking: get me the fuck OUT of here. I want to write to you, I don?t want to be sitting here!

Our anniversary is coming up. I took our wedding rings to the the jeweler?s to have them soldered together and then put on a gold chain that I?ll wear around my neck. It?ll be ready to be picked up Thursday. Oh and we went to the gym and worked out.

Had bereavement tonight, counseling/boxing/working out tomorrow and more bereavement on Thursday. On Friday (our anniversary) I?m going to work a little and a contractor is coming to waterproof the basement. I hope I don?t lose my mind ? I guess all this is good for me?

Rich, I miss you! I was hoping you?d come and talk to me in my dreams. Is it that I don?t remember or are you too busy? I read once that loved ones will come around on special occasions?will you be here for our anniversary? I just still feel numb. I don?t know why I don?t feel more pain and agony.

The bereavement group social worker says my expectations for myself might be unrealistic. Kathy says maybe that?s just not the way I grieve. John said he pushed a lot of his feelings aside and is only coming to grips with them now. I think I am doing what he is doing?but I?m not sure.

I sure wish I could talk to you?I miss you.

Love
Me

Music I Heard With You
Music I Heard With You

Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate.
All that was once so beautiful is dead.

Your hands once touched this table and this silver,
And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.
These things do not remember you, beloved, --
And yet your touch upon them will not pass.

For it was in my heart you moved among them,
And blessed them with your hands and with your eyes;
And in my heart they will remember always, --
They knew you once, O beautiful and wise.

--Conrad Aiken

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Existence of Love
The Existence of Love

I had thought that your death
Was a waste and a destruction,
A pain of grief hardly to be endured,
I am only beginning to learn
That your life was a gift and a growing
And a loving left with me.
The desperation of death
Destroyed the existence of love,
But the fact of death
Cannot destroy what has been given.
I am learning to look back at your life again
Instead of your death and your departing.
--Marjorie Pizer

Only Slipped Away
... I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to
each other, that we still are.
--Canon Henry Scott Holland



I had thought that your death
Was a waste and a destruction.
A pain of grief hardly to be endured.
I am only beginning to learn
That your life was a gift and a growing
And a loving left with me.
--Marjorie Pizer

Time Goes On
Before I left the hospital in 2001 after Rich had been pronounced, nurses handed me some booklets about the death of a spouse. After I made funeral arrangements, the director gave me booklets too. I was too numb to do much more than page through the stuff. I couldn't imagine ever feeling this way but I must admit I am now in that place:

Time goes on, and your life is
still there, and you have to live it.
After a while
you remember the good things
more often than the bad.
Then, gradually,
the empty silent parts of you fill up
With sounds of talking and laughter
again.
And the jagged edges of sadness
are softened by memories.

I don't know who wrote it but I do see how I've progressed over 2 years. I've gone from flashbacks of that awful morning to memories of Rich when he was young and when he was healthy.

Thank God.

October 8, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

I find that I?m banned by the WidowNet board now too and I can?t get in even under another name. Oh well. I am always opening my big mouth and getting into trouble over something. Some things just never change. Note from me 10/08/03: I was very angry that fall 2 years ago and was challenging the webmaster of the WN board. I felt he was far removed from widow issues. Some friends intervened for me over the holidays and I got back onto that board.

The front page of the Newsday says ?America Strikes? and right now I don?t want to read it.

I typed up a hand out we got from the bereavement group last week. One of them was called ?12 Steps of Grief Work? and it goes like this (comments in between are mine)?

1. Accept the reality of your pain

Well, I think I do accept the reality of it. I certainly can?t deny it?s there ?

2. Commit to process and acknowledge your need to mourn

I think I?m doing that too by seeking out the bereavement group and the support lists and groups.

3. Understand that the healing is in the pain of suffering the loss

Easier said than done ? understand this logically.

4. Reckon with and respect the persistent urge to avoid, numb and escape from the pain of loss.

Now this is where I run into trouble. I?m not sure if I?m doing that. I understand this persistent urge because I think I?m still doing it now. Reckon with it? How do I do that? I?m not sure ? maybe I should ask Joanne, the social worker? Am I supposed to be actively trying to feel pain? I just don?t know.

5. Identify your losses. Name them. Put them into words.

I lost you!! You were my partner, best friend, soul mate, lover ? you were everything to me, and I think that I took it all for granted and didn?t value our lives and our love for each other the way I might have. God! Sometimes I remember in the heat of a bad argument that I?d yell drop dead or something equally awful. What a horrible thing to say to you. I?m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back!

I lost my life as I knew it. I lost a part of the person that I was, individually, and as a mother. I went from being a couple to being single. I don?t have someone to share decisions with anymore. I don?t have anyone to bounce ideas off of. I don?t have anyone to hold or to hold me.

I lost my comfort level being around other couples. I don?t like to watch people smooching and holding hands. When my friend Robin talks about being married for 23 years I just want to smack the shit out of her. It hurts to watch people necking on the beach because we used to do that. I also remember the times in the Jacuzzi at the Poconos. I miss you, all of you, your being, your body, everything.

6. Acknowledge that you are helpless (that you have no control) in the face of loss:
? That you cannot prevent a loss that has already happened
? That you cannot bring back what is really lost
? That you cannot simply replace what is lost, fill the emptiness and be healed

No kidding!!!!

7. Feel the feelings. Trust and abide by the inner truth of your feelings. Be aware of the tendency to deny and minimize feelings.


This is another one that I?m going to need help with. The inner truth of my feelings? I don?t feel anything right now ?

8. Make links between your present feelings, experience, behaviors and patterns and past losses.


Well, I guess this is where the ACOA issues kick in. Maybe some of this numbness and lack of feeling is really me pushing or hiding my feelings because that?s what I always used to do. Even when we?d fight or have a disagreement, I used to hide my hurt or resentment and I?d make myself go cold if you cried because you?d hurt me. What a dysfunctional way of dealing with everything! I sure would like to think that toward the end I was better ? but I just don?t know. I don?t remember if I said drop dead to you in the last year. I?m sure hoping that our communication was better. Toward the end I can remember saying that what you were doing made me angry which was definitely an improvement over what I used to do. You still didn?t like it, though?I was still being critical in your opinion. Also I think the things I used to say really hurt you because you?d bring them up again, over and over. We hurt each other a lot, I think.

I?m trying to change with all this counseling help we?re getting, me and the kids.


9. Identify the meanings of your loss. Spell out what losses have meant for you and the story of loss in your life.

Boy, this is another one I?m going to have to think about and then revisit. I mean, the story of loss in my life has been about abandonment. I felt emotionally abandoned by my parents. Sometimes I felt you had emotionally abandoned me. We found each other again ? and then you left. More abandonment.

10. Process or break down the experience of loss, e.g. ?I feel angry? -> ?I am angry because I didn?t get to say goodbye -> ? and that leaves me feeling betrayed and abandoned -> ? that plays on my insecurities and I feel I should have died instead.?

Do I feel angry? I know I feel lonely and abandoned because you aren?t here for me anymore. Angry? Well maybe. I am angry because you didn?t take care of you and I wasn?t nicer to you and so I think that?s why you didn?t lose the weight you needed to lose and keep it off. It plays on my ACOA ?hero? solve everything control everything issues and so I feel guilty that you died.

11. LET IT BE

Hey, that was the name of a Beatles tune!

12. Open yourself to and welcome the transformative power of mourning. Mourning nurtures a new sense of identity in recovery. Learning to mourn in the present is to be present to the suffering and joy of life.

Sounds lovely. How do I open myself to this transformative power of mourning? This is another question I need to revisit later when I?ve had a chance to think.

I did this over two days ? I?m going to save it and come back to it later.

Love you sweetie,
Me