Time Goes On
Before I left the hospital in 2001 after Rich had been pronounced, nurses handed me some booklets about the death of a spouse. After I made funeral arrangements, the director gave me booklets too. I was too numb to do much more than page through the stuff. I couldn't imagine ever feeling this way but I must admit I am now in that place:

Time goes on, and your life is
still there, and you have to live it.
After a while
you remember the good things
more often than the bad.
Then, gradually,
the empty silent parts of you fill up
With sounds of talking and laughter
again.
And the jagged edges of sadness
are softened by memories.

I don't know who wrote it but I do see how I've progressed over 2 years. I've gone from flashbacks of that awful morning to memories of Rich when he was young and when he was healthy.

Thank God.

October 8, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

I find that I?m banned by the WidowNet board now too and I can?t get in even under another name. Oh well. I am always opening my big mouth and getting into trouble over something. Some things just never change. Note from me 10/08/03: I was very angry that fall 2 years ago and was challenging the webmaster of the WN board. I felt he was far removed from widow issues. Some friends intervened for me over the holidays and I got back onto that board.

The front page of the Newsday says ?America Strikes? and right now I don?t want to read it.

I typed up a hand out we got from the bereavement group last week. One of them was called ?12 Steps of Grief Work? and it goes like this (comments in between are mine)?

1. Accept the reality of your pain

Well, I think I do accept the reality of it. I certainly can?t deny it?s there ?

2. Commit to process and acknowledge your need to mourn

I think I?m doing that too by seeking out the bereavement group and the support lists and groups.

3. Understand that the healing is in the pain of suffering the loss

Easier said than done ? understand this logically.

4. Reckon with and respect the persistent urge to avoid, numb and escape from the pain of loss.

Now this is where I run into trouble. I?m not sure if I?m doing that. I understand this persistent urge because I think I?m still doing it now. Reckon with it? How do I do that? I?m not sure ? maybe I should ask Joanne, the social worker? Am I supposed to be actively trying to feel pain? I just don?t know.

5. Identify your losses. Name them. Put them into words.

I lost you!! You were my partner, best friend, soul mate, lover ? you were everything to me, and I think that I took it all for granted and didn?t value our lives and our love for each other the way I might have. God! Sometimes I remember in the heat of a bad argument that I?d yell drop dead or something equally awful. What a horrible thing to say to you. I?m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back!

I lost my life as I knew it. I lost a part of the person that I was, individually, and as a mother. I went from being a couple to being single. I don?t have someone to share decisions with anymore. I don?t have anyone to bounce ideas off of. I don?t have anyone to hold or to hold me.

I lost my comfort level being around other couples. I don?t like to watch people smooching and holding hands. When my friend Robin talks about being married for 23 years I just want to smack the shit out of her. It hurts to watch people necking on the beach because we used to do that. I also remember the times in the Jacuzzi at the Poconos. I miss you, all of you, your being, your body, everything.

6. Acknowledge that you are helpless (that you have no control) in the face of loss:
? That you cannot prevent a loss that has already happened
? That you cannot bring back what is really lost
? That you cannot simply replace what is lost, fill the emptiness and be healed

No kidding!!!!

7. Feel the feelings. Trust and abide by the inner truth of your feelings. Be aware of the tendency to deny and minimize feelings.


This is another one that I?m going to need help with. The inner truth of my feelings? I don?t feel anything right now ?

8. Make links between your present feelings, experience, behaviors and patterns and past losses.


Well, I guess this is where the ACOA issues kick in. Maybe some of this numbness and lack of feeling is really me pushing or hiding my feelings because that?s what I always used to do. Even when we?d fight or have a disagreement, I used to hide my hurt or resentment and I?d make myself go cold if you cried because you?d hurt me. What a dysfunctional way of dealing with everything! I sure would like to think that toward the end I was better ? but I just don?t know. I don?t remember if I said drop dead to you in the last year. I?m sure hoping that our communication was better. Toward the end I can remember saying that what you were doing made me angry which was definitely an improvement over what I used to do. You still didn?t like it, though?I was still being critical in your opinion. Also I think the things I used to say really hurt you because you?d bring them up again, over and over. We hurt each other a lot, I think.

I?m trying to change with all this counseling help we?re getting, me and the kids.


9. Identify the meanings of your loss. Spell out what losses have meant for you and the story of loss in your life.

Boy, this is another one I?m going to have to think about and then revisit. I mean, the story of loss in my life has been about abandonment. I felt emotionally abandoned by my parents. Sometimes I felt you had emotionally abandoned me. We found each other again ? and then you left. More abandonment.

10. Process or break down the experience of loss, e.g. ?I feel angry? -> ?I am angry because I didn?t get to say goodbye -> ? and that leaves me feeling betrayed and abandoned -> ? that plays on my insecurities and I feel I should have died instead.?

Do I feel angry? I know I feel lonely and abandoned because you aren?t here for me anymore. Angry? Well maybe. I am angry because you didn?t take care of you and I wasn?t nicer to you and so I think that?s why you didn?t lose the weight you needed to lose and keep it off. It plays on my ACOA ?hero? solve everything control everything issues and so I feel guilty that you died.

11. LET IT BE

Hey, that was the name of a Beatles tune!

12. Open yourself to and welcome the transformative power of mourning. Mourning nurtures a new sense of identity in recovery. Learning to mourn in the present is to be present to the suffering and joy of life.

Sounds lovely. How do I open myself to this transformative power of mourning? This is another question I need to revisit later when I?ve had a chance to think.

I did this over two days ? I?m going to save it and come back to it later.

Love you sweetie,
Me

October 7, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

We had another laid back kind of a day. I took the kids out and spent a lot of money. Oh well. It happens. We bought a lot of stuff at the Party store to get ready for Halloween. I just felt like decorating up the house and got some props for the kids? costumes and stuff. Got Billy and Kristin some clothes. They?ve all gained so much weight! We have to get on a program here. I can?t be the only one losing four pounds.

Later this afternoon we went out looking for a pumpkin farm you and I went to years ago and I remember we went there right before we went to Maryland on our honeymoon in 1985. Things have changed so much around here! There was one farm place that was incredibly packed, Schmitt Farms, I think. They had a haunted house site further up the road and we stopped off and did that.

It was kind of fun. They?d taken the inside of an old building and decorated it up with some really gross looking plastic bodies, monsters and so on, sprinkled in a few real people to scare people, some mazes and other special effects and bam! Instant fun haunted house?only Kristin chickened out right away and Heidi got about half way through before she bailed. Oh well. Billy and I made it through.

We went on down the road and found a place I thought might be the place we?d visited. They are having some kind of harvest festival all month. It costs $9 per person to get in and then there?s free hayrides, puppet shows, and other amusements. It was getting late in the afternoon and COLD and Heidi was getting cranky so we decided to put it off to next weekend and we came back home. We had a good day today, too, Rich. I think you would have enjoyed it.

Oh this is great. :( I went into AOL so that I could change some pictures to enhance our website and found out that the U.S. and British dropped about 50 missiles on Afghanistan?I won?t publicly speak against our country but I just don?t think it?ll do any good at all. I hope innocent civilians weren?t killed.

October 6, 2001
Hi sweetie,

It?s been a nice couple of days. The weather has been beautiful and Elfie is gone so things are a little back to normal. I had a limo pick her up; I figured it was worth the money because then I wouldn?t have to drive all the way to the airport and back in heavy traffic and then go to the ball game. Elfie, I thiink, was disappointed but I told myself: be selfish. I have been running around a LOT lately and I?m really worn out.

As it was, Elfie and I walked for an hour down at Jones Beach and got to relax and talk. I think I might have disappointed her because I?m not as chatty as maybe she hoped I would be. I don?t know?I only can talk about stuff I feel comfortable about and it?s just not in me to stay up until the middle of the night anymore.

On the way back home, Elfie wanted to stop and take pictures of just about everything! I had a really bad moment as we went over the bridge on Wantagh Parkway: a Monarch butterfly got stuck under my windshield wiper. I was horrified. I knew if I moved the blade it would kill the butterfly so I pulled off the road onto the grass. I was sure it was dead and I was really upset. As I reached for it, though, I saw it free itself and fly away. Oh, I was so relieved I nearly cried!

Last night rocked! We went to Allen Park for the championship game of the Over-the-hill league. They raised funds for us, $2,500 which was really nice. They had a homerun derby and then the game itself was to start at 9. At first we were sitting over to one side and I was just enjoying the night air and thinking how much you would have enjoyed it too. It was a good old fashioned ball game with free refreshments, not like pro ball at all. Well, then one of Kristin?s classmates found us and took Kristin to her teacher from last year, Miss D. She came over to me and hugged me and then brought me to where the other parents were sitting and so I could meet the guys who organized the whole thing and some of the politicians. They are such nice people.

Just before the game started there was a moment of silence for the guys from Farmingdale who were killed at the WTC. I was introduced and the girls and I went up on stage. I wasn?t sure what to say but when I opened my mouth I thanked everyone for their generosity and I told them you would have enjoyed being at the game because you love baseball. I also told about how Billy got Bud Harrelson to sign your mitt at the Ducks? game last year (your birthday). I felt warm. I said I would like to think that you and the guys who died were all up there together watching. I think that went over pretty good. Then I just settled down to enjoy the game.

I also enjoyed chatting with some of the other people and I could see that the kids were having fun. It felt really good. All night long they were raffling stuff off but then there was this one prize they wanted to give to me and it was because of what it was and what I said?an autographed ball from the 69 World Series?signed by Bud Harrelson!! It was like fate?or you?set that one up!!

We were there until 11 and then we came home and we were all wired. And all of a sudden the printer turned on and damned if it didn?t print out your picture!!

I thought I could feel you last night! Sometimes I thought I felt you today. I took Billy and Kristin bowling. Later I went and met Jane R (interpreter coordinator) at a diner to talk and catch up.

I don?t know if I feel numb about this or accepting or just that I love you, I always will and I know you loved me. Maybe knowing that you are not hurting anymore helps me not hurt so much?I just don?t know. It?s just been an awesome two days Rich and if you were there to enjoy it with me well, then, I?m sure that?s all the more reason why I had such a great time.

I love you, my darling,
Me

October 4, 2001
Hey sweetie,

What?s going on? The last couple of nights I?ve been waking up at night and have thought of you. Twice this week I woke up right around 5:15 thinking that this is the time you?d be up and couldn?t get back to sleep. I wondered: is Rich trying to tell me something? I?m not remembering if you?re telling me something in a dream. I guess I still don?t pay attention to things well enough.

I?ll be so glad when Elfie goes home. One more day. Don?t get me wrong?I really did enjoy her company but one week would definitely have been enough and her travel plans are just inconveniencing to me. She needs to be at JFK Airport by 4 in the afternoon; well, great, that?s right when all the Friday afternoon traffic is starting. :P I have to figure out how to get her there and then get back for this baseball game the Over-the-hill-league is having for you.

I just found out a guy that I write with, Ron M, needs to have a gastric bypass operation. He said something really interesting. I didn?t know how big he was, must be as big as you because he says he?s gained 300 pounds over the last couple of years. He doesn?t get out and around much. He says he feels that you are like an angel watching over him. I was so touched by that. He is such a sweet guy.

I am joining 3fatchicks, the list that you enjoyed so much? I?m not sure I can handle the 200 Club because you were so much a part of that and your old friend Helen is still there.

Love you,
Me

October 3, 2001
Hi Sweetie,

Elfie is still here and so I have had little to no computer time for writing to you or emails or anything else. I miss it. I miss talking to you. It?s nice to have Elfie around but it?s also difficult and draining, too. I feel bad that we haven?t done more sightseeing but she didn?t seem to want to. She says she is content just to relax and talk. I also may have disappointed her by not staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning to talk but I?m just not capable of that anymore. I can?t worry about that part of it. I have the kids and the job to worry about first.

Today I?m finally back at work. I actually started back yesterday but right away I had to run upstairs with Erica, who is doing her internship with a law firm. That was really boring. I?m glad I brought a book with me to read.

After that I went home. Elfie had gone into NYC for the day so she wasn?t home when I got there. I laid down and went to sleep for a little while. Billy woke me up when it was time to go to the bowling alley. He and Kristin were supposed to bowl on the PAL (police association league) from 4:30 to 6. At some point, I was supposed to go pick up Elfie, drop the kids back at home and go for my bereavement group. Well, Elfie missed her first train, which meant I?d have to leave the bowling alley to get her at 5. Kristin went into hysterics (she?s been acting like a real baby lately, regressing to behaving like a 2 year old at bedtime) and decided she didn?t want to bowl at all. Billy was struggling. I have to take them bowling more often to practice. It was embarrassing. He kept throwing gutterballs, the poor kid.

Heidi is taking Zoloft now. I hope it helps her. She?s only been on it a couple of days. Elfie and Heidi get on pretty well. I think Elfie was a little worried that I might feel jealous of that but I don?t. I think that anything that helps Heidi would be great. The girls are going to bereavement camp on Saturday.

I started my own group last week. I might have had time to write about it; I don?t know. This time two guys joined the group and it was okay. I didn?t feel too uncomfortable with them being there. One fellow, John, lost his wife in January or February of 2000 and it?s taken him this long to decide to come for help. He has one son and a daughter, 21 and 22. His wife died of kidney cancer?and toward the end SHE was doing better, too ? it?s not fair. The other guy, Joe, has three kids, 16, 13, and 10 I think he said. His wife was killed in a car accident. Kathy was back?her husband died of a brain hemorrhage and then there was me, talking about you.

It was good to talk to these people. Two of us, John and I, arranged for cremation. The other two had their spouses buried but haven?t been to the cemeteries to visit. I felt bad for John because he planned to scatter his wife?s ashes on a beach in South Carolina but her relatives guilted him into giving them the ashes. He wasn?t comfortable with splitting them up. I talked about my confusion about what to do about you, that you didn?t want to be at home but you didn?t particularly want the cemetery either.

See you later, my love,
Me

September 16, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Coming in off a very difficult week. I really need your support. Heidi and I have been fighting and I?ve said some horrible things to her. I am so sorry. The words were out before I could stop them. She was being hard headed, fighting with the other two kids and refusing to listen to me, and I was threatening her with social services?that if she wouldn?t respect my authority, she couldn?t leave her. Her face got all ugly and she demanded to know why I would say such a thing and I told her she was driving me crazy and maybe I would have a heart attack and she?d better go upstairs before I said something else I regret and she wouldn?t stop. She said nastily, ?Like what?? and it was out, ?like how you were in Daddy?s face the night he came home from the hospital AND the night he died and YOU helped kill my husband.? That?s verbal abuse. I have felt horrible since, but I also feel that it?s true in a way. I think I feel it deep down. Yes, I know it was your weight and your own temper, too, but I wonder ? if there hadn?t been additional stress that night? ???

Oh God.

And then this, with the attacks in NY and DC and the calls for bombing Afghanistan and revenge. I am sick of it.

I really meant to get up early and take the children to St. David?s although deep down in my heart I had a feeling I wouldn?t and I didn?t. I got up when Billy woke me around 7:30 and I mumbled, ?We?ll go on Saturday night.? Sometime I woke in the night with an ?answer? of sorts. I remembered we discussed going to the contemporary service of the Presbyterian Church in Massapequa park on Saturday nights and then, if we wanted to, to Sunday school. And in the night, I thought: Go to THAT church, to the Saturday night service. Go to the Sunday school if you want. Was that you? My guardian angel? God?

I really mean to try it. I keep praying to God to help me be a better parent, but, Rich, I just feel worse. I really feel so inadequate for this. God help me.

I love you, darling,
Me

September 12, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I was listening to Q103.4 like we always do in the morning. Bob Buckman and his morning team were still providing coverage of what happened yesterday. They were playing a lot of patriotic music (like ?Oh Beautiful? by Ray Charles) and songs to make you think (like ?Imagine? by John Lennon and ?Teach? by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young).

People were calling in to talk about how they were feeling and to volunteer in the search and recovery efforts. Some callers want to blame the Palestinians right off and throw them out of the US or bomb their countries but Bob tried to get them to chill out. That is just so wrong. We don?t even know yet who did this yet. I don?t want to see this turn crazy, like after Pearl Harbor and we were interring innocent Japanese Americans.

Heidi wasn?t given the whole story and so when she got home she was upset, especially after seeing some of the coverage on TV. She called Emma right away. Kristin was shocked and dismayed. Some of the coverage was too graphic. You could see people jumping from the WTC buildings, 100 stories up, and the kids were really upset by that. I was too. It was like watching a disaster movie. Kristin cried, especially when she found out that all the places we went to that day we went into the city for Fest is gone, totally obliterated. ?It?s not fair,? she said.

No, it?s not. Last night, before Kristin and I went to sleep, she said, ?Mom, does this seem like a dream to you? Like when I wake up tomorrow, you?re going to say to me, ?No, it was just a dream. The World Trade Center wasn?t really blown up.??

?Yes,? I told her. ?It does feel like a dream.? After a moment I added, ?It?s like when Daddy died and I felt like it was a dream too.?

Kristin nodded. ?I know,? she said softly. ?Heidi was crying and I hugged her. I told her that Dad survived a-fib one time before and that he could do it again.?

I just let her talk, just asked if this was when they?d gone to Janet C?s house. I don?t know what the kids thought that morning; if they knew before I left that you were dead or if they were hoping you were still alive. I just couldn?t ask her.

Today I just feel so sad for the loss of all those innocent people. It?s not just the people who were in the planes and in the buildings?I?ve heard that there are over 200 firefighters and over 100 policemen missing since the towers came down. There are volunteers back down there again, working through the rubble and ? I don?t know, I guess they?re just trying to bring everyone out. The reporters were talking about how there are no whole bodies and I just couldn?t listen to that. I turned the TV off.

September 11, 2001
My God, sweetheart, I am absolutely stunned by what is going on in this country today. My mind is boggling? I just do NOT understand?

We?ve been attacked by an as yet unnamed terrorist organization. This was well thought out and planned. The first thing I heard was that two planes hit the World Trade Center?a kamikazee attack that killed the pilots. I since heard that the towers came down, they?re gone?the place where we had the DS Fest?gone. I heard that a helicopter crashed on the lawn of the White House; that the Pentagon was bombed; that the State Department and Capitol were bombed?NYC is virtually closed down?all the airports, bridges, and tunnels are closed. Federal agencies are being evacuated. Most of the people in our building left, but we are trying to carry on ?business as usual?.

This is the latest from AOL, the only place where I could get anything to come up:

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Pentagon was struck by aircraft, a car bomb exploded outside the State Department and agents patrolled outside the White House with automatic weapons Tuesday as an apparent coordinated terrorist attack spread fear and chaos in the nation's capital.

The enduring symbols of American power were evacuated, the Capitol, White House and more shut down, and the nation's air traffic system ordered shut down. Billows of smoke drifted from the Pentagon over the Potomac River toward the capital.

``Terrorism against our nation will not stand,'' vowed President Bush. He spoke moments after two planes had flown directly into the twin World Trade Center towers in New York.

``This shows what an uncontrollable world we live in. This is crazy, wild and crazy,'' said Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis., as the disruptions hit Washington within an hour after two planes flew directly into the World Trade Center towers in New York.

Bush, in Florida when the attacks hit, termed the disaster in New York ``an apparent terrorist attack on our country.'' He said he would return immediately to Washington.

In Washington, a senior government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the FBI suspects the events in New York and Washington were part of an organized terrorist campaign.

Each moment seemed to bring fresh evidence of that:
A car bomb exploded outside the State Department, senior law enforcement officials said.

A loud explosion was reported in the vicinity of the Capitol.

The departments of Justice, State, Treasury and Defense were among those ordered evacuated, as were the Capitol and the White House. In a remarkable scene, security guards brandishing automatic weapons could be seen outside the White House.

The FAA ordered the entire nationwide air traffic system shut down.

A senior U.S. intelligence official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, ``We don't know who's doing it. Clearly, it's terrorism related, a carefully coordinated attack. It's not the work of an unsophisticated enemy. It's too soon to say who.''

Paul Begala, a Democratic consultant, said he witnessed an explosion near the Pentagon.

``It was a huge fireball, a huge, orange fireball,'' Begala said in an interview on his cell phone.
He said another witness told him a helicopter exploded.

AP reporter Dave Winslow also saw the crash. He said, ``I saw the tail of a large airliner. ... It plowed right into the Pentagon.''

Gen. Richard Myers, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that prior to the crash into the Pentagon, military officials had been notified that another hijacked plane had been heading from the New York area to Washington. He said he assumed that hijacked plane was the one that hit the Pentagon, though he couldn't be sure.

Meanwhile, one of two planes that crashed into the World Trade Center was hijacked after takeoff from Boston, a U.S. official said, citing a transmission from the plane.

The second plane may have flown out of Newark, N.J., the official said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Asked if there was any possibility the crashes were anything other than deliberate, the official said it appeared not to be an accident, the official said.

Nancy K wrote me and said that her mom is in Washington DC sightseeing. She said that she is looking out on Times Square and that the city is in chaos. I cannot believe that the Trade Center is gone! This is what she wrote to me:

Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 10:46:33 EDT
Subject: Re: What's going on today


NYC is in total chaos. The Both Trade Towers are gone. They collapsed.
(The place where the DSFestival was held). They have evacuated all
federal buildings. I'm sitting here in the middle of Time Square looking
at the Empire State Building . . .

My mother and aunt are visiting Washington D.C. today doing the tourist
things . . .

Unbelievable.

And then I heard from Nancy S in PA:

For those who are without news capability right now-

-Both trade center towers are gone, and they were talking about people
jumping
out the windows before the towers fell
-they think the plane that hit the first tower was a commercial plane
out of
Boston, passengers unknown
-someone said they thought that a US military helicopter hit the second
tower,
but I have not heard that confirmed - it definitely looked like a
helicopter
though...
-part of the Pentagon has collapsed
-car bomb went off at the state department
-fire on the Mall in DC
-they are monitoring another threatening plane, possibly another
commercial
plane
-all the major federal buildings were evacuated in DC
-just found out a large plane crashed about 80 miles south of
Pittsburgh (which
is where I am) but they don't know if it's related...

just beyond words...
Nancy

And whoever this is also hit Camp David, Rich. I hear also that maybe ten thousand people have been killed. Why did this happen? Is it an outside terrorist group or one of those Timothy McVeigh crazies? I?m trying to think of the significance of this date, too, because when McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City, it was because it was the anniversary of the fire in Waco, Texas?at the ranch of that wacked out Branch-Davidian.

This is just nuts?Rich, are you seeing any of this? I feel sick to my stomach at the destruction and the loss of life?more later?.

September 10, 2001
September 10, 2001

Hi sweetheart,

I finished Embraced by the Light, and I?m going to give it to Heidi to read. It was a totally awesome, mind-blowing book, and I think I want to re-read it. It?s a very Christian kind of book, I guess, in that the author talks about God, Jesus and the angels all being there in heaven. I don?t know if people of other religions would like the book BUT the message in the book is that there IS no religion or faith that is above the others. All of us need the churches we go to or the faiths we believe in until we?re reading to move on; in other words, there?s something to be learned from all the churches and so we shouldn?t try to say one religion, race, or culture is better than another.

When a spirit crosses over, either they are still earthbound to finish up other business or they haven?t totally accepted the love Jesus has to offer or they move through this tunnel to heaven. After that, I guess there is a review of your life on earth and you can see where you made your mistakes and where you had your successes. Apparently, we all started out as pre-mortals with Jesus and with God, all of us wanted to come to earth to experience whatever it was people wanted to learn, and all of us selected the people we would be ? and the afflictions we would have. That was a little tough for me to ?get? and when our business here is done, we go back. Again this seems to confirm the first reading I had, Rich.

Last night I went into a chatroom with another psychic. This person did a reading with me one time before, apparently with a spirit who was my sister. This time I asked specifically for you, and then you were there. I remember thinking during the reading that you seemed exuberant to be where you are but yet much more distanced from me. I felt that you must have decided we were all right and it was okay for you to let go further. It hurt but at the same time I was happy for you. The transcript:

(I used the name "Ilsa Lund" who was the Ingrid Bergman character in Casablanca which was 'our' movie)


*** MEDIUM has joined #LightHouse

(MEDIUM) ANOTHER GOOD BOOK OR AUDIO TAPE TO CHECK OUT IS THE FOUR AGREEMENTS BYDON MFOUEL RUEZ SORRY IF I DID NOT SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT
(MEDIUM) OK PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WHISPER ME FOR READINGS SPIRIT CHOOSES FOLKS ALL OF YOU WANT ONE THANKS
(MEDIUM) OK FIRST UP IS
(MEDIUM) LISA LUND
(MEDIUM) HOW MAY I HELP YOU
May I have a medium reading please?
(MEDIUM) SURE FIRST NAME AND RELATION PLEASE
Rich, spouse
(MEDIUM) TY
(MEDIUM) CONNECTING
(MEDIUM) I FEEL A BRIGHT LIGHT COMING IN AND HE IS LEAD TO MY OFFICE
*** Dennie has joined #LightHouse
(MEDIUM) WOW HE SAYS THE ENERGY WHERE HE IS AT IS AMAZING
(MEDIUM) SEEMS LIKE THE ANGELS HAVE BEEN WORKING ON SOME WAY TO BOOST ENERGY TO US
(MEDIUM) LOL
good :)
(MEDIUM) DID HE HAVE CONFUSION WHEN HE MADE HIS TRANSITON OR SOMETHING AFFECTING THOUGHT OR HEAD AREA?
I don't know Halo I was not there when he crossed
I ws asleep
(MEDIUM) THANKS
(MEDIUM) HE SAID TO LET YOU KNOW HE SEND YOU LOVE
ty
(MEDIUM) WANTED TO TAKE A TRIP WITH YOU BEFORE HE LEFT FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT COULD BE A SPECIAL PLACE
yes
(MEDIUM) HE SMILES AND SAYS IT WAS SO MUCH RELIEF TO LEAVE HIS PROBLEMS ON EARTH
thanks, you left them with me, lol
(MEDIUM) DID HE LIKE TO READ?
very much
didn't have much time tho
is he getting to read now?
(MEDIUM) HE HAS BEEN SPENDING TIME IN A PLACE WITH THE HALL OF RECORDS OF LIGHT
(MEDIUM) INTRESTING HAS INFORMATION ABOUT ALL KINDS OF THINGS MANKIND HAS LEARNED
(MEDIUM) WOW CAN ABSORB A BOOK IN MERE SECONDS WOW ALSO THE AUTHOR TRANSMITS THE BOOK TO HIM BY THOUGHT
:)
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS CANT CHECK THAT OUT ON EARTH
(MEDIUM) LOL NO OVERDUE FEES HERE
rofl
:}
:
pls tell him he ws never the one with the overdue fees
lol
(MEDIUM) I AM GETTING AN IMAGE OF A HEART THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU LISA?
yes
it sure does
(MEDIUM) TY
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS I MISSED YOU AND SEND YOU LOVE THROUGH THE ANGELS OVER YOU
(MEDIUM) THEY SEND YOU HEALING NOW TOO
I miss him, I wish he could visit my dreams
I am grateful for the angels
(MEDIUM) I GET TO COME TO YOU WHEN I AM READY I GUESS I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FIND YOU YET ITS VERY BIG UNIVERSE
(MEDIUM) LOL BUT NOT ME I NEVER GET LOST
(MEDIUM) HE HAS A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
yes he always did
hey, I lit a candle Rich!! Follow the light, lol
(MEDIUM) SOMETHING ABOUT BUISNESS USE COMMON SENSE HE SAYS AND JUST LET OTHERS DO THE WORK
I'm trying, Rich...I'm still impulsive, a friend asks about a book of cancer cures?
(MEDIUM) HE WAS LIFTED UP INTO THE LIGHT BY A ANGEL AND THEY SEND ME TO A HEALING PLACE A BEAUTIFUL LOVE FILLED PLACE
(MEDIUM) THEN I LET GO OF MY BODY AND WAS FREE
wow...
Rich you were not in pain then?
I worried about that, how you got on the floor...
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS I WAS IN SUSPENDED TIME OF EXISTENCE EVERYTHING WAS MOTIONLESS UNTIL THE ANGELS CAME
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS HE KNOWS OF ILLNESS AND ANGELS AND WORKING WITH MAN ON CURES
(MEDIUM) IT WILL COME WHEN THEY ARE READY FOR IT
(MEDIUM) OUT OF MY HANDS
Please tell him his daughter Heidi wants to be a cardiologist
The kids miss him
(MEDIUM) HE SAYS THE WAY TO LOVE IS TO KNOW OUR HEARTS ARE ALWAYS ONE IN THOUGHT WHEN APART
You will always be with me, in my heart
(MEDIUM) HE KNOWS OF THE LOSS WITH FAMILY AND HE IS GIVEN REPORTS NEEDS 2 ANGELS FOR HEIDI
LOL That sounds right!
Heidi did need more,
(MEDIUM) I AM BEING PUSHED TO CLEAR FOR OTHERS NOW SAY LOVE TO ALL AND TAKE CARE
(MEDIUM) WALKS TO A LIGHTED HALLWAY WITH MIRRORS OF LIGHTS AND WALKS INTO A MIRRO AND DISAPPEARS
Okay good night Rich, where is your book of poems pls?
shoot
lol
(MEDIUM) END OF READING
TY (MEDIUM) COMMENTS LISA
That was very comforting
I think Rich is still transitioning, that's why he can't find me?
it's only been a few months since Rich crossed is that what he means about learning to find me?
It was very comforting
Several things "clicked"
(MEDIUM) WELL HE IS LEARING ABOUT HIS ASTRAL BODY
(MEDIUM) I DONT KNOW IF ANYONE HAD A LOG ON
I have one
(MEDIUM) WELL THEN SAVE IT FOR FUTURE REFRENCE OF YOUR READING
I will how long should I wait before trying to talk to him again?
(MEDIUM) WELL DIGEST THE INFO TONIGHT AND SPIRIT WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE RIGHT TIME
thank you, it was very soothing Halo
I feel better

So it sounds like you are still transitioning over and maybe you aren?t as tied to the earth as you were before because now you mention getting ?reports? about me and the kids and that you send love to us through the angels? The author, Betty Eadie, mentions that there are guardian angels around us all the time, trying to help us. That?s a comforting concept. I wish YOU were my guardian angel, but I guess that?s just an earthbound type of thought. I?ll never forget you, Rich, or how much I loved you and love you still and how much you meant to me.

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 11:12 AM EDT
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