May 24, 2001
My darling Rich,

I didn?t realize that I wouldn?t be able to see or talk to you after late last night. There is so much more that I would have told you. I really hope and pray that you are in a better place, with your mother, maybe and that you know how much all of us really loved you. I am so sorry that I didn?t stay downstairs with you when you came down, sorrier still that we didn?t go to the emergency room or call the doctor again when you still felt your heart racing at 1 a.m. I honestly believed that you would be all right in the morning and that we?d just end up going to the doctor again.

The doctors tell me that whatever happened, whatever caused your heart rhythm to decompensate probably happened fast, and they said you didn?t feel any pain at all. I hope they aren?t lying to me. Even more than that, I want to believe that life goes on after death and that you are still there, either with us or watching us.

Did you suspect at all this was going to happen? I go back over my head and I think about what you said to me, about you being sorry I had to ?keep going through this?. I hope that you know what I told you was true?we got married for better or for worse. And we did have better; it was all the little pieces in between the worse.

I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you again. I wish that you could hold me. I?m going to miss how you would stroke my arm, caress my hair or rub my shoulders. I?m going to miss your kisses and caresses. I don?t think anyone else ever wanted me as much as you did. Most of all I?m going to miss you. Your voice, how you always looked out for me and tried to make things easier for me?I loved you, I love you still. I feel as if this is just a bad dream sometimes and that I will wake up and see you looking at me, wondering what is wrong with me. I wish it was so. It hurts to be without you. My only consolation in all this is the belief that you are in a better place and not suffering anymore. I wish you could tell me. I wish I could talk to you and hold you just once more, just like in the movie ?Ghost?.

The kids are all broken up about this. They?re very good kids, you?d be proud of them. I know that you loved them and I think you now know how much they loved and miss you. They were all wearing your clothes or holding your cane. Kristin dressed Boo-Boo, the stuffed bear you gave me, in your shirt and hat. Both the girls have been crying for you a lot and so has Billy. He said to me last night, ?I realize now that Dad wasn?t yelling because he was mad at me, he just wanted me to take better care of my stuff.? He has your GI Joe again?I think he?s old enough now. I hope he?ll take good care of it.
Heidi?s been writing stories?Kristin, too, and Billy couldn?t sleep last night and wrote a poem about you. He and I are both coming to grips with finding you on the floor. I am struggling with feelings of guilt and sadness?I don?t know if my staying with you would have saved you, but you wouldn?t have been alone?and Billy came down and found you and when he called to me, I knew that you were already gone. I just wish I?d been there.

This is what Billy wrote:

Oh, Dad, why did you have to die?
Now I have to try not to cry.
With this poem will be most sincere,
You are the one we hold dear.
I could not believe when I saw you there.
You felt cold; I really did care.
Mom woke up and was shook
When I told her of you, and she had to look.
I saw you lying on the floor.
I could not believe you were no more.
I checked your pulse and breath; you had none,
And with you we had so much fun.
I would take everything I have and sell
Just to hear you give another yell.
Maybe you can spend time with your mother.
I hope, at least, you see each other.
I loved it when you would not watch a cartoon,
I would give them up to see you soon.
Where there, I saw the phone
But you could not dial; you died alone.
We tried to get someone to keep you alive.
But you, they could not revive.
We were all incomprehensibly sad,
To see you again, we would have been glad.
I could spend my entire life writing in a cage,
And I still would not be able to express my love on a page.
Of you, I am the number one fan,
But now you have died, and I must be the Man.
In your strength, I had belief,
But now your death has given me grief.
You pulled through last time and so I thought,
?Maybe you will be okay?, but your life was whisked to naught.
For your death, I was not set
But at least I can give you my longest poem yet.
Today, we watched ?Beauty and the Beat?,
You?ve reminded me of Gaston the least.
Strangely, with the beast there was something I know,
He is like you, with a nice guy buried below.
We know you don?t want flowers (you explained very later)
So to Marfan research we?ll donate.
We know you loved us, so just as such,
We?ll remember you and love you very much.

As you have read, my dad died of Marfan syndrome. Not long before that, he had requested donations to the Marfan Research Foundation instead of flowers, if he died. It may be too late for him now, but there are still others who can be saved. If you can, please make a donation to them.

By the way, for any kids with tough parents, look for the Beauty inside the Beast; you may be glad you did.

Billy wants to put the poem in your pants pocket and have it go with you. The girls and I added our love for you too. I feel like I?m dreaming again; that somehow this is all a bad nightmare that I?ll wake up from. I expect to see your blue eyes looking at me, and I think of you in just about everything I see?the mustache brush, the asparagus?you?re everywhere but nowhere, and it hurts still. I love you so much!!!

Please hear me and understand?.I loved you, I will always love you, my darling.
With all my heart,
And all my love

P.S. Good night my love. I have been overwhelmed with the love and concern people have been showing for us. Email friends from your list and mine want to help the kids by sending money, do you believe it? And I have been getting calls from all around?Sylvia in the Netherlands, Elfie in Austria, John in SC, Dawn in Albany, and Kim in VA, the list just goes on and on and on. I never knew how much people cared about us.

About Grief ...
Dr. Kubler-Ross wrote a fantastic book called On Death and Dying. There are several stages people go through when they find out they are dying. It's no surprise that when a loved one dies, particularly a life partner, the ones left behind experience similar stages.

I was in shock from the moment I realized Rich was gone to the time my emotional novocain wore off. It was as if I was watching someone else being me. I have to say that in the beginning it was a Godsend! I never would have been able to do all the necessary things I needed to do if I hadn't been numb.

Here's a pretty good article that explains the stages of grief.

Inner Sanctity

May 23, 2001
Dear Rich,

People have been wondering: how did this happen? This is stuff you and I already know but later it may help me to remember if I?m asked. Last month, around April 25, you had an episode of atrial fibrillation that wouldn?t go away. You fainted at work, just for a few minutes, but you fell forward onto your face, scraping your nose and the glasses cut into the bridge of your nose. Your co-workers were all for calling 911, but you said you had to return a call first and you did. And then you called me and you said very calmly, ?I need you to pick me up. I got dizzy and sort of fell.? I thought maybe you twisted your ankle and so I wasn?t really scared when I drove to pick you up.

When I pulled up in front of NPD, though, and saw the ambulance and the police cars, I about had a stroke. Someone ran out and called to me, ?It?s not what you think, it?s not what you think.? And I went inside and you were on the stretcher looking sheepish and annoyed. You were embarrassed because you?d wet yourself while you were unconscious. When the medics brought you out of the building you looked at the car and said, ?You left the lights on!? That was so you, my darling.

At the hospital, you were admitted into the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and the machine kept beeping and going off because you were still in atrial fibrillation (a-fib). It was unnerving, remember? You didn?t like it. And when I came to see you at lunch the next day, you were scared because they were going to do the cardio-version procedure on you. I held your hand, we comforted each other. The procedure worked on the fourth time, and you felt the shock coming out of the anesthesia. You said it was like ?a bolt of lighting? had gone through your chest. You said you saw a blue-white flash of light even though your eyes were closed. The pain, you said, was impossible to describe and that it was good it was over in a flash because you wouldn?t have been able to stand it otherwise. And then you felt much better because you were back in a normal sinus rhythm.

You were moved to the cardiac floor and although you could have TV and radio, we both chafed to get you home where you belonged. All that held us up was that pulmonary function test and once that was done, we came home. And you seemed to be feeling much better. We went to see Roseanne, the counselor, and we talked about how we could deal with Billy and Heidi better. And there were the trips to the stores where we bought the stuff we would take on picnics?

And then I got sick, some sinus infection, and I lost my voice. I couldn?t talk on Mother?s Day. Around the house, things were up and down. There were spats with the kids because they didn?t want to do their chores. It?s always been that way?except right now they?re being better?for the moment. But you are watching and so you know that I?m also doing a lot of it. I shouldn?t but I just can?t handle the stress we were dealing with asking them to help. And Billy has been terrific with helping! I don?t have to ask him twice except for a couple of times.

Monday and Tuesday was yucky and rainy and I had sinus headaches each day. On Tuesday we just decided spur of the moment to get the family pizza special from Marino?s and we sat around watching TV and I think there was some tension then because the kids didn?t want to clean up after themselves. And your sister called during the ending of ?That 70s Show? and although you were glad to talk to her I remember you said she didn?t have great timing. It was just another normal kind of night with you watching TV and me on the computer?you said it didn?t bother you and I honest to God hope you weren?t fibbing about that.

And then around 11, you looked at me and said in a soft, scared voice, ?It?s happening again.? And I immediately got off the computer and said, ?Do you want to go to the emergency room?? and you said, ?I don?t know?? and so I said, let me call the cardiologist and we?ll do what he wants.
I talked to Dr. Maisel. We were just there on Saturday for your echo!!! That?s what is so hard about all this. You had an EKG when we saw Dr. Mercurio the week you got out of the hospital, followed by the echo, and then we were to see the electro-cardiologist at North Shore. Anyway, Dr. Maisel reminded us that a-fib isn?t life threatening in itself. Many people live with it and don?t know they have it. If it becomes problematic it?s treated with medication or cardioversion. He said for you to take another digoxin, to lie down and try to sleep and see if you didn?t fall back into a normal sinus rhythm. If not, call in the morning for an appointment.

I sat with you and we watched TV. You were scared, I could tell. You held my hand and brought it to your mouth and under your chin and that?s when you said you were so sorry you kept putting me through this. And I said, ?There?s nothing to be sorry for. You didn?t do anything. And besides, marriage is for better or worse, sickness and health??

And you said, trying to hold back the tears, ?I know but when will the better part come??

And I said, trying to be light, ?It?s the bits and pieces between the worse.? We told each other about how much we loved each other.

You seemed to be feeling better and so we went up to bed. And that?s where I get the self-recriminations. You were having trouble sleeping, I tried to soothe you and then I guess I fell asleep myself for an hour. I woke up around 1 and you were sitting up. ?Are you all right?? I asked.

You?d been to the bathroom and had begun to feel dizzy again and had to sit down and you?d accidentally wet yourself again, would I get you another pair of underwear? Right then I should have taken you to the hospital.

?How do you feel now??

?My heart is still racing,? you answered. You said you wanted to come downstairs and watch TV, so we came down together. I wanted to make sure you didn?t fall. You were settled on the sofa and looked upset but otherwise all right. I brought you my water if you wanted it.

?I?ll sit up with you,? I said. ?I?ll lie down on this couch.?

?No,? you said. ?You go on to bed. You need the rest.?

I look back now and think: you should have stayed with him. He was scared. He was dizzy earlier; you should have known to call for an ambulance then and there. Why didn?t I? It?s just that you?d had the episodes before and I honestly believed Dr. Maisel was right and that you would be okay. And if you?d said, ?Stay? or ?Call 911? I would have done it in a New York minute?

The phone was on the floor in the morning. What happened after I left you? Did you call to Billy and me and we were so deeply asleep that we didn?t hear you? Did you try to go to the phone for help? And we never heard a crash to the floor. I never heard a sound until I suddenly woke at 6 a.m. and thought to run downstairs to help with making lunches.

As I got up, I heard Billy cry out, ?Oh, no! Mom, mom! I can?t wake Dad!? and I began running. Billy was coming up the stairs as I ran down. He thought you?d fainted but he couldn?t rouse you. And when I went to you, I knew it was already over. You were lying flat on your back, stretched out on the floor between the sofa and the love seat. It?s as if you were standing at the desk and then fell straight back?but why didn?t we hear it? I knew you were gone. Your face was a chalky bluish color and the blood was pooling back in your forehead. I touched your hand and it was ice cold.

Still?

I told Billy to call 911. I tried to do what I remembered of CPR, but it was more for Billy?s sake. I knew you were gone and had been for a long time. Your fingers were half curved and stiff. You just looked like you were sleeping. You didn?t look like you were in pain or terror or anything. Later a doctor told me you must have decompensated into ventrical fibrillation; you must have passed out almost immediately and suffered no pain. It looked like it was true. After you were pronounced, I talked to someone about donating your organs because I remember that?s what we both wanted.

Your brother Steven came to pick me up. I sat beside you, holding your hand and caressing you and I kissed you goodbye. Poor Steven couldn?t look at you but I think he was really upset and that?s why. And then the neighbors came over with food and support and gifts and it?s been that way since?until yesterday. I think that now everything is over the calls and visits are going to stop and so I have to make the effort and get my ass up and moving.

Anyway, that?s what led up to everything that happened. I?ll sit here and write about our lives together. It?s something you already know but you?ll be more patient with me won?t you? Sometimes you?d tell me the same story twice but when it got to the third or fourth time, I?d say something and you?d go something like, ?Well, excuuuuuuse me? like Steve Martin did. I have to get this stuff down because it?s good for me to do it and because I am determined we?ll all remember who you were.

I?m going to search around and try to find your poems and your old pictures and I?m going to make a page dedicated to you, with you pictures, poems, and the stuff other people wrote about you on it. I hope you?ll be pleased. It?s the least I can do for all of the wonderful things you did for me.

I love you. I?m going to stop writing here and then come back later?
Always yours

Why Create This Blog?
I've always been on the rollercoaster of life. It's a very scary ride but I've managed to hang in ... even when the rollercoaster took an upside down inside out spin in 2001. That was when my best friend, my lover, my husband of 15 years died suddenly of cardiac arrest. I began writing to him the day after. Looking back, I realize I went through a great deal of changes for good and bad. I didn't want to just get rid of this journal but I didn't think anyone would be interested in publishing it. I decided to make a blog of it.

Some of the entries are emotionally intense and could be upsetting. But other than that, there is nothing violent or nasty in the entries.