Hi sweetie,
I wanted to tell you that we survived the weekend, and I am relieved to have this anniversary behind us. Yesterday ended up being a mostly nice day because we went to see Oma and Uncle Walter. It wasn?t so great that Heidi caught an attitude while we were there and spent much of the time making it obvious how annoyed and bored she felt. I talked to her about it afterwards?Oma and Uncle Walter love her, and she may find it boring there but they won?t be around forever and she should take more of an interest in the older relatives while she has a chance. Geez, by the time I was 13, most of my grandparents were gone?never mind the great grandparents!
Oma?s been dreaming since 9/11 too. One time she dreamed of dead people marching down the street covered in plaster dust (like maybe they were all from the WTC). Another time she dreamed about your mom, Carol. She dreamed that Carol was a little girl again and had climbed up a tree. She was reaching out for a branch and began to fall. Oma shut her eyes tight because she didn?t want to see. She couldn?t imagine how anyone could survive such a fall but she was hoping that Carol would be all right. It sounded to me like she was working through anxieties and even old unresolved feelings through the dreams.
I talked to them about you and this time they were okay with listening to me. I started to tear up when I was talking about the ornaments and Billy came to put his arm around me. I said to him, ?I?m okay, it?s all right,? and Oma said, to support me, ?It needs to come out.? So I was grateful for that. It seems that Oma didn?t know you?d made some of the ornaments and I said, oh, yes ? do you remember our early Christmases when we made the ornaments together? We had so much fun with them! I?m sorry that most of your stuff got broken along the way ? the manger set, the Christmas villages, the tree, the Santa music box ? well, we let the kids play with the stuff when they were younger. Kids will be kids and everything broke. Who knew you wouldn?t be around now? But I am keeping the other ornaments you made safe. I showed some of them to the kids.
We have a set of angels that I don?t remember having before. Apparently we picked them up from someone?maybe it was your dad? Your mom apparently collected angels. I vaguely remember them now ? they were broken somehow, but I don?t remember how or why it happened. You fixed them all and they look as good as new. The kids unwrapped them and they are out on the corner table now.
I talked to Oma and Uncle Walter about our early courting days, about how I wasn?t really attracted to you in the beginning but how we became good friends. I miss you. I can?t believe I?m going to drive down to Orlando without you. On the one hand I?m excited about going, on the other I?m worried about being bummed out and tired and about bridges and panic attacks. I never dreamed I?d have to drive over a bridge. I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there to drive over them for me. I feel afraid to drive over the bridges?I?m hoping you?ll come and help me out, help me get over the bridges?
Billy had to have a repeat blood test today. His liver enzymes were a little high. The doctor thinks it might be because he?s going through a growth spurt. He had an echo last week Wednesday and I?m just going to assume that it?s all right. But you know what? He?s home again with more diahrea. It started last night, and I suppose it?s possible he picked up another stomach virus. It just seems he?s been getting too much Monday morning flu this year?and Kristin! Trying to get her to go to bed at a reasonable hour when I don?t want to is next to impossible. I can?t have more scenes like I had this morning so I?m going to have to start shutting the computer off at ten and going up to read or something.
We went to see Monsters, Inc. on Saturday. I can?t believe how much money I spent between the movies and the popcorn and the movie wasn?t THAT great. Still it was a good diversion.
I would say, all in all, we successfully got through the whole Thanksgiving weekend with a minimum of trauma. I think that?s the name of the game right now isn?t it?
And today we have a new deaf person in the bookkeeping area?I?ll be here another six months I?m sure. And if I had any doubts at all about the way people feel about me I got invited to the staff holiday party. It?s on Oma?s birthday, December 10th, from 5 to 9 p.m. at a place called Elisa?s Restaurant in N. Bellmore. I?m going to go, what the heck? These people are nice ? I don?t know if they?re going to be bringing their spouses or not but I suppose I?d be all right. I was thinking it would be nice to stop and see your grandmother first?we?ll see how things work out.
And now we move into the seventh month without you, my love?
I still miss you. I wish I could dream about you more often and remember the dreams?
Love you,
Me