Hi sweetie,
The worst of the weekend is over. It was rough yesterday, last night, I mean. We cleaned up the house and then Billy went downstairs and brought up all the Christmas boxes. He rearranged the furniture in the living room. He had this one idea that Heidi and I didn?t agree with, and he got frustrated and started to cry and then refused to have anything to do with the tree or anything else. I thought, okay grief is hitting all of us here. I thought his idea was really impractical but I said if he could get it to work, fine?do it. So he totally moved all the pieces of furniture around and it actually looked pretty good. Then he was going to put the TV in front of the window and I said no again?had a good reason, the sun shines in that window. He was okay with that.
He put the tree up by himself and I let him do it. In years past you?d sit there and coach him and encourage him. You told him he was pretty good at opening up the branches so that the tree looked fuller. Well, he didn?t really do that this year and we couldn?t find the trunk part to the tree. Heidi and I could see big gaps where it looked real obvious that the tree was fake and when we pointed it out to him, Billy had another meltdown. Heidi took over and began working with the branches and then Billy began to help but then the two of them began to fight.
I couldn?t handle it anymore. It was too hard with you not being there. I was thinking how much you loved this season and how much you would have enjoyed putting up the tree, decorating it ? maybe we?d make cookies and watch a movie. I started crying, really hard. Then Billy put his arms around me and he was crying too. I felt better after I cried so hard. I mean, I do understand that you aren?t coming back. I am so damn lonely for you, though, sweetheart, especially now?
Today we put all the ornaments onto the tree and it looks really nice. I have a new ornament there for you?one that I ordered from the Irish shop. It?s a sleeping Santa-in-the-moon and I had them personalize it with your name and birthdate. It?s there along with the first ornament I got for you, a little wooden sled with your name on it. I looked at the other ornaments I bought for you over the years and I felt so sad with missing you. There was a Santa in the bathtub with Rudolph because I knew how much you loved to take baths. There was a Santa playing outfielder ? that was because you loved the Mets. There was a blue convertible because you loved old cars?I wanted each of the ornaments to be in the front where I could see them. And then there were the ornaments we made together?in the past you kind of relegated them to the back and bottom of the tree but you know, they mean so much more to me. And then there were all of ?our? ornaments?the egg Bill (your cousin) gave us and the one with our picture on one side and those of the kids on the other ? oh Rich, I do miss you so much, my love.
Tears in my eyes again,
Love you forever,
Me