Hi sweetie,
Part of my problem is not scheduling enough alone/writing time. That makes me angry too. There are so many things I want to write and I keep procrastinating and putting it off and getting into other things. The kids are always around or I decide to take a nap or there?s a doctor?s appointment, this that or the other thing. It?s really ridiculous, as Elfie would say.
I could feel annoyance and anger building up again today and I?m not sure why exactly unless it?s that I?m just not letting go of the resentments and anger I felt from two weeks ago. I am also kinda mad that my free time in the afternoons have been evaporating. :P Heidi is sick today so I have to take her to the dr at 2. On Wednesday I?m supposed to take Billy to the cardiologist at 1:30 or something?and I think I?m supposed to be doing something else on Wednesday afternoon as well. Tuesday I?m supposed to see Joanne. Also need to go grocery shopping and make some dishes for Thanksgiving at Carol?s.
I should set aside at least an hour so I can journal or just work on a story. Remember when I would write stories for hours? Now I spend those hours on the internet?and I need to quit it! I?m toooo addicted to it now and that is one of my regrets that I will always have ? that I didn?t turn off the computer earlier to spend time with you. Now I?m making the same mistake with the kids.
I talked to Steve O again today and he found a place where I can get disability insurance for 60% of my net salary. That is better than nothing I would say because it can work in conjunction with social security disability. The idea is to GET it. I also asked him to check into the New York State Education Fund and told him about my time share vacation plan. He thinks it?s a great idea.
Ha! I should tell this to A?I sent around an email to everyone to tell them about what was happening with Billy. First of all, when she writes back, it?s just to say something like ?nice to hear from you? and then the second email warned me about who I meet on email?some woman almost got killed by an email acquaintance she met at Disney World and blah blah blah they love us and worry about us, especially where three children are concerned?I?m looking at this wondering where the HELL did she get the idea that any email friends were involved? So next time I talk to her I?m going to tell her Steve gave his stamp of approval to this.
I don?t know if I wrote this but David did write back and I wrote back to him. Now the next bit of silence. He has a disabled son, 24 year old, who has hydrocephalus (I?m guessing) and is mentally like a 3 year old. David wrote that he was going to pray for Billy and that he thought Glenn (his son) would need another shunt. I wrote and asked him about Glenn and told him I worked with disabled kids and work with disabled adults and there is always something new to learn about how nice they can be, things like that. Maybe I came off sounding too patronizing. Maybe David is just busy and I?m too paranoid.
I don?t like this making new widower friends, Rich. This really puts me in an awkward position emotionally and I am angry about it. We were supposed to be set for life and then you bailed on me. Now, here I am fat and in my forties, and do I really want to spend whatever time I have left alone? No more hugs, kisses, no more making love? And yet the idea of being with someone is repulsive. So that makes me angrier. You should be here to satisfy my needs!
I?m mad that I didn?t follow my instincts early Sunday morning to wake up. We missed the whole meteor show, that glorious shower that is one of a kind for the century. Billy was supposed to set an alarm at five and apparently he forgot. I woke up at 5:07. I?d had some kind of sexual dream where you were making love to me and then when I woke up I had the urge to wake everyone else up to go outside. Then I thought naaaah, I?ll wait five minutes, I?ll wait for Billy?s alarm to go off ? and I slept until almost 8. I guess it didn?t help that I was up until almost 2 in the morning the night before.
Well, Joanne says I?m supposed to focus on the feelings and every day I?m supposed to get this stuff out rather than just keep a journal. I just feel like I?m saying the same thing over and over. What is there to say? I miss you. I hate it that you?re gone. I?m angry that I?m forced into this new life.
Went on a holiday parade through Farmingdale with Kristin (Girl Scouts) and I realized that we were doing this because you?re gone. Otherwise we?d have skipped the activity. You wouldn?t have been up to it; we would?ve been too busy. That makes me angry too. Why didn?t we make more time for ourselves? Why didn?t we keep in shape so that stuff like this wouldn?t tire us out?
I?m still having trouble getting the kids to listen and help me clean up. Heidi takes this snotty attitude and sometimes so does Billy. "Why are you always angry?" "Why do we always have to clean, clean, clean?" Well, duh, I?m angry because the place is a pig sty and obviously, if we did clean clean clean, it wouldn?t be dirty!!!
I?m angry that I have to go grocery shopping today. I hate it, especially alone. I was so mad about it yesterday I skipped it all together. Didn?t want to deal with it.
I used to go to Party City to fill that ?Get Well? balloon of yours religiously. I think it and Kristin?s two balloons have been flat for at least 2 weeks. I don?t think it?s that I am moving on or forgetting about you, I am just pissed about the whole thing. What?s the use of refilling this balloon? Are you there? Do you hear me?
Just wondering,
Love,
Me
PS I just had a nice Chinese dinner?OUT. The kids won?t clean this house and it is really bad. It looks like a slum dump and I cannot get them to help me pick up THEIR stuff?it?s not even a matter of my stuff. So I took Heidi to the doctor and she had a real ?tude. The doctor thinks she needs to see a counselor, no kidding?maybe a different one if Denise at YES isn?t working out. So I drop her off at home and then go shopping and come in and there is junk everywhere, coats, books, toys, food wrappers, glasses, etc and NO ONE will pick up. Heidi started screaming her head off ? ala the time the neighbors called Social Services. Hey, maybe our nosey neighbor will Social Services again ? I could only be so lucky, right???