Hi sweetheart,
The traffic was terrible today! It took me 45 minutes to get to work from the exit ramp of the Meadowbrook Parkway ? and I?m not even sure what the problem was. That must have been SOME accident! People don?t know how to drive in this traffic either?the drivers weren?t yielding the right of way ? and they blocked the intersections and caused gridlock. I thought this one tractor trailer was going to smash a lady flat because she stubbornly moved in front of him (even though HE had the green light) and then got stuck because the other lanes were clear and traffic was flowing. So there she was, parked in front of this big truck and you could see how MAD he was!
I didn?t sleep well last night. I was excited about the possibility of a get together of Long Islanders somewhere soon ? and feeling guilty about the idea of wanting to be around the widowers, just to talk. It?s the same thing with this email friend, David. He is planning to come to Connecticut, to Mystic Seaport. He wrote that he needed to go to exorcize military demons (he was in the Navy?he has a grown son, Nate, who is in the Navy too) and then he asked how far I am from Mystic Seaport. I told him and explained that it was easy to get there by ferry but left it general like that. Later I saw him post on the WN board about friendship get-togethers and wondered if a woman could call a man ? I knew he meant this widow he?s been trying to ask out and she?s been avoiding him. Anyway I wrote to him and said when he comes to CT it would be nice to say hello ? and he wrote back and said he was thankful for my candor because he wanted to stop and say hello, wasn?t shy, but lacked self confidence. I know what he means.
I don?t know how I feel about all this, Rich. I am so confused. I love you, I miss you very much and at the same time I am so lonely. I don?t know what I want from David or from the group get together. I don?t want to hurt David. He lost his wife 9 months ago and so we are both very very vulnerable. I am thinking to myself: move SLOWLY. It?s better to stay friends than to get messed up emotionally. Besides, maybe David doesn?t like fat women. He has stuff going on with him too. Nate has testicular cancer, he has a mentally disabled son, Glenn, and a 19 year old daughter, Erica. He lives in Minnesota, which is a nice safe distance away ? or so I thought.
But what does this mean for you and me? I always felt that we were soulmates and that we have a deep abiding love. I don?t know that I want to get involved with another man if my heart is with you ? and then I think about the movie, ?Titanic? and about how Rose promised Jack to go on. She married someone else after Jack died, had children with him, and had a full life ? and yet, when Rose died, she returned to Jack?her true love. Would that happen for us? Or is heaven and after life just a place where souls are equally delighted to see everyone? And what we had here is no special thing in heaven? The thought makes me crazy.
I haven?t been dreaming the last couple of nights, and I wonder if it?s because I?m staying up too late and sleeping too heavily. On Friday, I heard a song by the Beatles called ?Across the Universe? and the words brought tears to my eyes. It?s a beautiful song, written by John Lennon.The lyrics are:
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away
Across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
CHORUS 1 (twice)
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on
Across the universe
Thoughts meander like the restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
CHORUS 1 (twice)
Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on and on
Across the universe
CHORUS 1 (thrice)
The first thing that got me was the ?pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me??that?s the way I feel now. And then the chorus comes, ?Nothing?s gonna change my world??but my world DID change. It changed forever the day you died. Then later, ?limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on and on across the universe?? That seemed to be you. I was crying, wondering is that YOU sending me the song? And why can?t I get it out of my head?
Joanne suggested that I write a letter to you that talks about how I feel about your death and everything that has happened. She seemed to think it would be better if I wrote everything into a notebook because there is a connection between the pen and the paper, an emotional connection that you can?t get with a word processor, but my thoughts flow so quickly and my hands hurt so when I write that I just am not sure it?s the case. I dunno but here goes ?
It?s been almost six months since my whole world turned upside down. I miss you so much, you were my best friend. I could talk to you about what I was feeling and you loved me and accepted me for who I was. You?re not here now and I?m lonely and yes, sometimes I do feel abandoned. I have so many things that I have to struggle with now on my own and you are not here for me to bounce ideas off of. You were my wall, you were my support, and you?re gone. Yes, I feel abandoned! You said you would never leave me, but you did ? I know that was not really your choice ? or was it? The fact remains that you did leave.
And about choices ? something happened inside you so that you were still smoking and overeating even though you knew it wasn?t healthy for you, that I worried about you, and the doctors just about gave up on you. I?d say to you, ?I?m worried, I don?t want you to die? and you?d say, ?I?m not going anywhere soon.? What the hell was wrong with you? What were you thinking? That you were really invincible and that no matter what you did to your body you?d just live forever? Or did you just not care about yourself enough to take care of you and cherish you?
If I believed that you were destined to die on May 23 no matter what, then I think it would not make me so damn mad that you were so heavy and you were smoking again. The thing is, I?m not sure that everything is predestined ? what if these things DO depend on certain choices we make? Then I am angry you smoked and angry you kept overeating and getting upset so easily. I know you were trying to live a more healthy live style but it looks like you got started too late ? and what was this ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have done a better job taking care of myself? ? Did you think the doctors lied to you about that?
What makes me feel really sad is that I don?t think you felt very good about yourself for a long long time. Most of that was from things your Dad said to you that you just didn?t get over and I feel guilty about the things I said that hurt you and contributed to that. You helped so many people with your support and encouragement. You gave the right advice to them about losing weight and loving themselves and saying affirmations to themselves ? but you didn?t do it for yourself. I feel sad about that.
I think you knew that I loved you, big or not, and that I cherished you. It just wasn?t enough, though, I guess? I don?t know?
And so now I don?t have my best friend anymore. Who do I confide in now? I don?t really feel comfortable with married friends anymore and I don?t think they?re comfortable with me. Seeing them reminds me of what I don?t have, and I feel angry, envious, jealous, resentful. Why should they have their mates when I?ve lost mine? Even worse is when the women clack and complain about their husbands. That really gets me going. Don?t they realize what they might lose?
I have to start over again, new friendships, maybe new relationships ? and this was not how I thought it was going to be. I saw us growing old together, like another beautiful John Lennon song we both liked??Grow Old Along With Me??well, now I won?t grow old with you. You?re 40 forever, and I?m moving on in this aging fat body of mine. I didn?t think that I?d ever have to worry about how I appeared to others?I didn?t care before because you loved me as I was. Now I have this issue again, what are they thinking? What are they saying about me?that I?m fat and my boobs sag and that I?m not attractive?it really makes me mad that I am put in this position. I just wanted to be with you. I didn?t want to have to worry about rejection and AIDS and all the other crap that goes with taking risks and moving into a new relationship with someone.
Maybe I should just hide in a cave and say to hell with it?and maybe I will try these widow/widower get-togethers and hope and pray no one hurts me with that look that says ?Oh my God, look how big she is, why doesn?t she take care of herself? Why is she so fat??
And maybe I?d better start taking care of myself. Maybe I better care about what happens to me because of our kids ? they needed us both and now they only have me.
Rich, what was so cosmically important that you had to leave NOW? What was your purpose for being here and what the hell is mine now? And are you with me, do you play those songs for me on the radio? I invite you, I want you to come to me in a dream or something and TALK to me, can you do that? I?ve tried meditating and praying and it doesn?t seem to be bringing us closer. I need guidance, I don?t know what the hell to do with myself half the time. I need to know if I?m on the right path.
And I need to know how the hell you got from the sofa to the floor ? can you at least explain that to me?
I am running out of steam so I?ll stop here for now.
In spite of all the feelings I have, the anger, the resentment, it doesn?t change the fact that I love you, that no one ever made me feel as attractive and sexy as you did, and I don?t think anyone ever will again.
Heartbroken,
Me