October 19, 2001

Happy anniversary, Rich,

It would have been sixteen years today and I spent the last two crying. I guess the dam broke. I had it with work and I?ve been home. I think that Gwen is going to try and find someone to replace me for two weeks. Ha! They couldn?t even replace me when Elfie was here ? it would be nice to have the time off. I want to write. I feel so trapped and I thought I would feel you more. I hoped to have dreams about you but that hasn?t happened and it just adds to the sorrow. I am picking up the rings today and taking the kids to that Chinese buffet restaurant you always wanted to try. I have a candle that I?m going to light for you and I?ll put the flowers I ordered in a vase for you with your picture and fill those balloons again and ? what? More and more you just seem so totally GONE. I thought I would have more of a sense of you here and I just don?t.

I picked up the flowers. They are really pretty. You were right about carnations?once time you told me that you liked carnations but the smell reminded you of funeral homes. I got fifteen carnations sprayed blue and one white rose. I picked up the rings and put them on the gold chain. I kissed your ring and I cried. The kids and I went to that Chinese buffet you wanted to go to ? the food was really good. I think you would have liked it. I lit your apple candle and I read this to you:

AND I WILL LIGHT A CANDLE FOR YOU

And I will light a candle for you
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I will light a candle for you.

The seasons come and go, and I'm weary from the change.
I keep moving on, you know it's not the same.
And when I'm walking all alone
Do you hear me call your name?
Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprises,
Always saw that something special deep within your eyes.
And through good times and the bad,
We carried on with pride.
I hold onto the love and life we knew.

And I will light a candle for you
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night.
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.

~Author Unknown~

And I was hoping I?d feel you or sense you or something ? damn.

I went into one of those medium rooms and nothing happened. No one called on me. I felt like a nobody in there.

This really sucks, Rich. I am so angry and resentful. I have these abandonment issues getting stirred up again. So what happened to ?I would never do that to you? and ?I?m not going anywhere? and ?I won?t leave you?? Why is it that other people can dream of their spouses or smell them or get some sense of them and I can?t?

Happy anniversary my ass.