Hi sweetheart,
I couldn?t sleep. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and heard the song, ?You?ll Be In My Heart? and I thought to myself, Rich had this song come on. I don?t know if you did or not. It would be nice to think you did; that you are thinking of us and are close by. I imagined you hugging me. Why is it that I hear about other people having visits and hugs from their spouses? but not me? All I dreamed about (that I can remember) is that I forgot to bring pictures and other memories of you to the next session.
There is a bioterrorism scare now. People in Florida, Washington, and New York have contracted anthrax from contaminated mail. One man died in Florida. I think he ate something contaminated with it. I had this dream that Billy inhaled anthrax and he died. I just couldn?t stand it and so I killed the girls and myself so that we would all be together. When I woke up I felt like I had done the only logical, rational thing but as the day went on I was horrified by it, horrified that it was okay with me to do that.
I talked to the social worker, Joanne, about it?from the bereavement group? She said it sounded like I was working out my fears (of the anthrax and terrorism) and my desire to be with you.
I wonder if these are the end times? I talked with another widow, Carol R, who is Kristin?s girl scout leader and she wonders that too. Why were we left behind?
I asked Donna a lot of questions about who she saw while she was in heaven and if they were happy. She recognized her aunt and grandparents so does this mean I?ll know you when I see you? And what about this idea that there is all this wonderful love and things to do ? it means we won?t really spend time together, doesn?t it? I think that makes me feel sad.
We did join that gym shortly after Elfie left. I went down and had a physical assessment. Except for how much I weigh, which really pulled my scores down, and my back and hands, I was ?fit? even in the bike riding exercise zone. I was encouraged by that. We went on Monday to work out, and now the issue will be to find the time during the week to work out, between the counseling and everything else. Tonight Billy has another boxing class but Heidi and I also have counseling with Roxanne and Denise.
Billy is doing so good! I hope you are proud of him. As the treasurer of the ninth grade class, he?s really into the SGA thing and invited some kids over to paint the banners for the Homecoming. It?s the same day a contractor is coming to waterproof the basement?finally!
And we have a two year lease to stay here in the house. I need to work on cleaning it up some more.
I want to have a family picture taken. So many things to do ?
Carol R invited us over for Thanksgiving. I think I?d rather go spend the day with her than with family, you know? It?s so awkward being with your family; they won?t talk about you. And I don?t really want to go to PA where your dad will probably drink and there will be trouble?
Well, I just totally lost it. I was on the Southern State, driving to work and suddenly I thought: I can?t stand this shit today. So I pulled off and called NYSD and said I needed a break. Our wedding anniversary is this Friday and I don?t want to spend my working days upstairs watching Donna file. And I?m sick of those people at TRI telling me how they can?t get along without me ? what the fuck would they do if I died tomorrow?
And I really do want to have Thanksgiving with Carol R and the hell with families.
I called your sister Linda today and can?t remember half of what she said. I was calling her because I know how much you loved her and how much she loved you. And I do like her. It was nice hearing her voice; I just couldn?t tell you what she said to save my life.
I?m going to pick up my new ring necklace tomorrow. I think I will take us all out for dinner on Friday, our anniversary. I will be thinking of you, my darling. I?ve been thinking of you tonight?I miss you and I love you. I know eventually I will be all right and will go on, it?s just so damn hard?
Love you forever,
Me