October 16, 2001
I?ve really been having a tough time journalling to you this month, my love. I?ve been keeping myself and the kids really busy. Last week Kristin and Heidi were both sick and so I never wrote you any letters at all. :(
Today I went back to work and was in a down, pissed off mood. They have me doing an internship with Donna, who is a highly skilled deaf woman?why does she need a babysitter? I?m just sitting there twiddling my thumbs. And then she starts telling me about hearing voices?God?s voices, visitiing heaven while she was in a coma, and I?m half believing her, half wondering if she?s nuts and just thinking: get me the fuck OUT of here. I want to write to you, I don?t want to be sitting here!
Our anniversary is coming up. I took our wedding rings to the the jeweler?s to have them soldered together and then put on a gold chain that I?ll wear around my neck. It?ll be ready to be picked up Thursday. Oh and we went to the gym and worked out.
Had bereavement tonight, counseling/boxing/working out tomorrow and more bereavement on Thursday. On Friday (our anniversary) I?m going to work a little and a contractor is coming to waterproof the basement. I hope I don?t lose my mind ? I guess all this is good for me?
Rich, I miss you! I was hoping you?d come and talk to me in my dreams. Is it that I don?t remember or are you too busy? I read once that loved ones will come around on special occasions?will you be here for our anniversary? I just still feel numb. I don?t know why I don?t feel more pain and agony.
The bereavement group social worker says my expectations for myself might be unrealistic. Kathy says maybe that?s just not the way I grieve. John said he pushed a lot of his feelings aside and is only coming to grips with them now. I think I am doing what he is doing?but I?m not sure.
I sure wish I could talk to you?I miss you.
Love
Me