Good morning, Rich,
I find that I?m banned by the WidowNet board now too and I can?t get in even under another name. Oh well. I am always opening my big mouth and getting into trouble over something. Some things just never change. Note from me 10/08/03: I was very angry that fall 2 years ago and was challenging the webmaster of the WN board. I felt he was far removed from widow issues. Some friends intervened for me over the holidays and I got back onto that board.
The front page of the Newsday says ?America Strikes? and right now I don?t want to read it.
I typed up a hand out we got from the bereavement group last week. One of them was called ?12 Steps of Grief Work? and it goes like this (comments in between are mine)?
1. Accept the reality of your pain
Well, I think I do accept the reality of it. I certainly can?t deny it?s there ?
2. Commit to process and acknowledge your need to mourn
I think I?m doing that too by seeking out the bereavement group and the support lists and groups.
3. Understand that the healing is in the pain of suffering the loss
Easier said than done ? understand this logically.
4. Reckon with and respect the persistent urge to avoid, numb and escape from the pain of loss.
Now this is where I run into trouble. I?m not sure if I?m doing that. I understand this persistent urge because I think I?m still doing it now. Reckon with it? How do I do that? I?m not sure ? maybe I should ask Joanne, the social worker? Am I supposed to be actively trying to feel pain? I just don?t know.
5. Identify your losses. Name them. Put them into words.
I lost you!! You were my partner, best friend, soul mate, lover ? you were everything to me, and I think that I took it all for granted and didn?t value our lives and our love for each other the way I might have. God! Sometimes I remember in the heat of a bad argument that I?d yell drop dead or something equally awful. What a horrible thing to say to you. I?m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back!
I lost my life as I knew it. I lost a part of the person that I was, individually, and as a mother. I went from being a couple to being single. I don?t have someone to share decisions with anymore. I don?t have anyone to bounce ideas off of. I don?t have anyone to hold or to hold me.
I lost my comfort level being around other couples. I don?t like to watch people smooching and holding hands. When my friend Robin talks about being married for 23 years I just want to smack the shit out of her. It hurts to watch people necking on the beach because we used to do that. I also remember the times in the Jacuzzi at the Poconos. I miss you, all of you, your being, your body, everything.
6. Acknowledge that you are helpless (that you have no control) in the face of loss:
? That you cannot prevent a loss that has already happened
? That you cannot bring back what is really lost
? That you cannot simply replace what is lost, fill the emptiness and be healed
No kidding!!!!
7. Feel the feelings. Trust and abide by the inner truth of your feelings. Be aware of the tendency to deny and minimize feelings.
This is another one that I?m going to need help with. The inner truth of my feelings? I don?t feel anything right now ?
8. Make links between your present feelings, experience, behaviors and patterns and past losses.
Well, I guess this is where the ACOA issues kick in. Maybe some of this numbness and lack of feeling is really me pushing or hiding my feelings because that?s what I always used to do. Even when we?d fight or have a disagreement, I used to hide my hurt or resentment and I?d make myself go cold if you cried because you?d hurt me. What a dysfunctional way of dealing with everything! I sure would like to think that toward the end I was better ? but I just don?t know. I don?t remember if I said drop dead to you in the last year. I?m sure hoping that our communication was better. Toward the end I can remember saying that what you were doing made me angry which was definitely an improvement over what I used to do. You still didn?t like it, though?I was still being critical in your opinion. Also I think the things I used to say really hurt you because you?d bring them up again, over and over. We hurt each other a lot, I think.
I?m trying to change with all this counseling help we?re getting, me and the kids.
9. Identify the meanings of your loss. Spell out what losses have meant for you and the story of loss in your life.
Boy, this is another one I?m going to have to think about and then revisit. I mean, the story of loss in my life has been about abandonment. I felt emotionally abandoned by my parents. Sometimes I felt you had emotionally abandoned me. We found each other again ? and then you left. More abandonment.
10. Process or break down the experience of loss, e.g. ?I feel angry? -> ?I am angry because I didn?t get to say goodbye -> ? and that leaves me feeling betrayed and abandoned -> ? that plays on my insecurities and I feel I should have died instead.?
Do I feel angry? I know I feel lonely and abandoned because you aren?t here for me anymore. Angry? Well maybe. I am angry because you didn?t take care of you and I wasn?t nicer to you and so I think that?s why you didn?t lose the weight you needed to lose and keep it off. It plays on my ACOA ?hero? solve everything control everything issues and so I feel guilty that you died.
11. LET IT BE
Hey, that was the name of a Beatles tune!
12. Open yourself to and welcome the transformative power of mourning. Mourning nurtures a new sense of identity in recovery. Learning to mourn in the present is to be present to the suffering and joy of life.
Sounds lovely. How do I open myself to this transformative power of mourning? This is another question I need to revisit later when I?ve had a chance to think.
I did this over two days ? I?m going to save it and come back to it later.
Love you sweetie,
Me