Hi sweetheart,
Coming in off a very difficult week. I really need your support. Heidi and I have been fighting and I?ve said some horrible things to her. I am so sorry. The words were out before I could stop them. She was being hard headed, fighting with the other two kids and refusing to listen to me, and I was threatening her with social services?that if she wouldn?t respect my authority, she couldn?t leave her. Her face got all ugly and she demanded to know why I would say such a thing and I told her she was driving me crazy and maybe I would have a heart attack and she?d better go upstairs before I said something else I regret and she wouldn?t stop. She said nastily, ?Like what?? and it was out, ?like how you were in Daddy?s face the night he came home from the hospital AND the night he died and YOU helped kill my husband.? That?s verbal abuse. I have felt horrible since, but I also feel that it?s true in a way. I think I feel it deep down. Yes, I know it was your weight and your own temper, too, but I wonder ? if there hadn?t been additional stress that night? ???
Oh God.
And then this, with the attacks in NY and DC and the calls for bombing Afghanistan and revenge. I am sick of it.
I really meant to get up early and take the children to St. David?s although deep down in my heart I had a feeling I wouldn?t and I didn?t. I got up when Billy woke me around 7:30 and I mumbled, ?We?ll go on Saturday night.? Sometime I woke in the night with an ?answer? of sorts. I remembered we discussed going to the contemporary service of the Presbyterian Church in Massapequa park on Saturday nights and then, if we wanted to, to Sunday school. And in the night, I thought: Go to THAT church, to the Saturday night service. Go to the Sunday school if you want. Was that you? My guardian angel? God?
I really mean to try it. I keep praying to God to help me be a better parent, but, Rich, I just feel worse. I really feel so inadequate for this. God help me.
I love you, darling,
Me