Hi sweetheart,
The last bereavement class was last night. Heidi was so sad. I don?t know what?s going on with her. She says she doesn?t know what?s wrong but she?s very depressed. She didn?t sleep well again last night. Luckily we do have a counseling appointment this evening. Maybe she needs to be taking antidepressants?
I have to admit I am still feeling pretty blue myself. I sent out an email to the family just to update them on what?s been happening with us. I really don?t feel like calling anyone although I know I need to call Aunt Terri, Uncle George and Grandma, especially Grandma, because I haven?t even called to see how she?s doing after her surgery! I must remember to do that tonight!
I haven?t been signing my posts again. I just never know where I?m going to leave off?
Yesterday I stopped with how I felt when I read the copies of the medical reports we were taking to Johns Hopkins. I couldn?t tell you what they said but I just felt like I was going to die, too. We went to see this specialist in cardiomyopathy, Dr. Kenneth Baughman. Oh?that was the other thing the doctors said you had, and I?d never heard of it before. Cardiomyopathy? I?ve seen lots of information about it online since.
Dr. Baughman explained what it was by drawing pictures. He was honest and didn?t hide any information from us. At that point, I believe he even said life expectancy was about five years but he wanted to bring you in to run further tests. By this time, you have a very noticeable galloping heart beat. I could see your pulse in your throat and sometimes I could see your chest heaving. Once or twice, you shook the beat because your heart was beating so hard. I?d never encountered anything like it in my life. What Dr. Baughman told us was scary even though we appreciated knowing the truth. We went home and both of us cried. It couldn?t be happening to us?not this?not when we had a new baby, a new car, and were so happy together!
I?m back from lunch. I went out in a pissy mood because there was no place to eat (our lunch room was taken over for a meeting and the evaluation room was full of stuff) so I went outside and I started reading Embraced By the Light. Whoa! What an amazing book! I can see why critics say it can turn your life around ? and I understand a little better some of the psychic readings earlier in which your death would have happened no matter what?it was meant to be. There was a lot of useful stuff in there about depression and despair and I just wondered if kids can read this book? I?ll have to find out ?
I love you, darling. I always will,
Me