Hi sweetie,
Well, today is the first day of school. Heidi and Kristin got off to school today without a hitch but I had to drive Billy. We waited and waited for the bus to come, right up to 7:30, and then we found out that the high school bus doesn?t come INTO the Cameo. Billy has to walk out to the corner of Carmans? and Townhouse Drive.
Billy seemed a little out of sorts with it all but we saw him off to his first period class. I think all the kids were tired. I know I didn?t sleep well. I had a major attack of something as I tried to sleep last night. It was really strong lower abdominal pain, like a severe gas attack, but I?d just gone so I couldn?t figure out why. I?m still uncomfortable but it?s not like it was last night.
It?s fifteen weeks today, and I decided I was going to try Weight Watchers again. :P Yeah, I know ? but I don?t know what else to do and we?d done so well with it last year. I could use the support, too, you know? I think I?ll sign up for 10 weeks anyway, at $8.95 and the registration is free. Maybe I?ll just go there to get weighed in. I don?t have to stay for the whole thing.
It?s a beautiful fall day, and it seems like fall was always ?our? season. We started to go out in the fall (October 1, 1983), we married in the fall ? we always loved the fall holidays, and it was in the fall that we first learned you were really sick. Summer was nice after you got well but sometime in there?August, September, I?m not sure which, I became aware that your ?cold? was back. You were snoring like a buzz saw. I couldn?t sleep with you in the room. You looked pale and ill and you kept coughing?and you wouldn?t go to the doctor, no matter how much I nagged you. Not for a little cold, you said.
We went to Long Island in October for your cousin Dianne?s wedding. The weather was gorgeous. It was nice and balmy, and the fall colors were brilliant. I took lots of pictures with you and Billy outdoors. I remember thinking then that something was wrong with you and that you wouldn?t live long. I got pretty depressed about that. I don?t know what made me think it. You were still insisting that you had just a cold although your whole family remarked on the snoring and the labored breathing. You couldn?t even sleep lying down. You had to sit up. I had a really bad feeling about all that.
It went on into November, with us fighting over this. I wanted you to go to the doctor; you kept saying no. We had a big blizzard on Veterans Day that kept us all home from work and school. You?d get so out of breath, you couldn?t even walk more than a few steps without stopping. It was scary. Finally I got you to agree to go to the doctor the next day, snow storm or no snow storm. And the doctor took Xrays because he didn?t like what he heard. I didn?t like it either. Your voice had taken on a quality I?d heard once before?with my Uncle Bjorn, when he was having congestive heart failure.
The doctor called that night and said you should be admitted to the hospital but you didn?t want to go. ?But this is his heart,? the doctor insisted. ?It?s enlarged and we have to find out why.? WHY were you so stubborn about getting help? I don?t understand! That night I was afraid you would die. You were so cold. I suggested a warm bath to help keep you warm. I kept praying for you not to die.
The next day I was so relieved that you were okay. My parents came to watch Billy while I took you to the hospital for an echocardiogram. While we were there, you collapsed and had to be rushed to the emergency room. They gave you a shot of lasix and almost immediately you began peeing. They were running all kinds of tests on you and finally when the doctor came to see me, I just asked, ?Does he have congestive heart failure??
The doctor looked at me, surprised, and then answered softly, ?yes, he does have heart failure.? They were going to admit you to the CCU but the doctor didn?t want you to know what you were in for. I couldn?t believe it! You kept asking, ?what?s wrong with me? Why am I on the cardiac floor? Why won?t they tell me anything?? and I just felt awful lying to you.
?Something?s wrong with you heart,? I said evasively. ?You know the doctor said it was enlarged. They have to find out why.? And I kept asking the doctor WHEN were we going to tell you? And he?d say not yet, not yet. Being in the hospital does strange things to a frightened young man, I think. You were in the hospital about a week and at some point all of a sudden you wanted to make love. You were incredibly aroused and I figured, well, what the hell, locked the door and gave you some relief with oral sex. Actually it was pretty funny when you look back on it.
At the end of the week, you were stabilized and the doctors decided to release you. You didn?t really trust either of them and you were pretty mad about the whole thing. Then we saw the discharge papers and it said ?congestive heart failure? and you got mad at me. ?You knew this and didn?t tell me?? I could understand why you were mad. I was only doing what the doctors said to do though.
Maybe that contributed to your resistance to being referred to Johns Hopkins Hospital. The cardiologist wanted you to go and scheduled you an appointment; you refused. The specialist at Hopkins himself called and talked to you on the phone, convincing you to come for the appointment. I?ll never forget how I felt when I picked up your medical records to take to Hopkins. I opened it up and read it and about died. The report said your heart was working to only 20% capacity; that it was very enlarged and that you would be a prime heart transplant candidate. I couldn?t believe this was happening to us.
Widow Support Board
I cannot believe my lover and my best friend is gone either and it's been 15
weeks.
You don't have get rid of your husband's clothes and stuff. The only thing
of Rich's I threw out was his old ripped up underwear (someone else always
needed something first --ain't that the way it goes?). One idea for clothes
is to have them made into something, like a pillow or a stuffed bear. I have
two of Rich's shirts that were cut--one by the paramedics and one by the
funeral home. And those two shirts I'm going to use the fabric and either
send them away to make teddy bears with them or I'm going to let my daughter
make them into pillows in Home Ec (she said she wanted to so if she still
does, she has first dibs).
My husband's clothes are still all over the house. I have no plans on
getting rid of them.