August 19, 2001
Hi sweetie,

The Grief Monster has me by the throat this weekend. :( It didn?t start out so bad. On Friday I drove to Port Jefferson to pick up Jen. I had to drive over to Charlie?s house to go over the rent agreement. I thought I was just putting a binder on the house but apparently in the meantime, Charlie had someone else come by who wanted the house and wanted to take it so I left him a $2000 deposit.

Haven?t heard from Mr. and Mrs. Landlord and I don?t believe I will ever. This just seemed like the best deal going. It?s going to be a lot more expensive than I anticipated, though, but somehow I think I can manage it. I wonder if I/we can live up to Charlie?s expectations. It?s clear he wants someone who will take care of the house, not just live in it. It?s a lovely lovely house. I have a year?we?ll see. If Charlie and I are happy with each other, I can stay as long as I want.

Jennie?you talked to her once on the phone, remember??is a very sweet young wman but she sure talks a lot! She?s bubbly and friendly and I liked her a lot but sometimes I wished she?d hush to give my ears a rest. We all had to get up very early so Robin could drive us to the train station. What a comedy of errors that turned out to be! We talked too long and forgot the time and weren?t ready to go when Robin pulled up. Robin was annoyed because it?s obvious she wanted to catch the first train, the 7:52, so that she could be at the hotel in time to meet with her friend Fran (not a friend of mine, nor are her other bunch of pals).

So anyway, we began scrambling around getting ready and Robin seemed aggravated that we weren?t going to make this first train. We got out the door, piled into the car (I left my keys home and took your lighter key chain) and got about half a mile away when Jennie remembered she forgot the gramophone she got for David Selby a couple of years ago. I thought Robin would stroke out. She asked, couldn?t Jennie give it to David tomorrow?

Well, here?s the problem with that: we figured out that although there was a night ferry, I couldn?t get Jennie back to Port Jefferson until the last one (at 9:30 p.m.) if we stayed for ?Love Letters? (the one act play with Selby and Parker). And when I bought my tickets, I especially wanted to see that performance. I told Jen I wasn?t going to miss it (sorry) but we figured out if she left the hotel around 2, she could get a cab to Penn Station and then take the train to Port Jefferson and catch the 4:30 ferry. So that meant she had to give Selby the gramophone today.

So Jennie said no, she couldn?t and Robin turned around without complaining but boy did she look mad! It was even worse when we got home because I realized I didn?t have the house key on your keychain! Billy had to climb through the window to let us into the house. So I grabbed the right key and the crazy glue and Jenny got the gift. I took the crazy glue because when Jenny showed me the gift the night before, I opened it and saw the horn had come off the gramophone. Billy fixed it, though.

Okay so great, we were finally underway. We got to the train station and it took an hour to get in and then we changed to the subway and got to the hotel by 9:45. Robin went to call her friend Fran while Jennie and I got our passes and programs. We went to the ladies? room and also went in search of water. Nothing was really open yet and as we went to get the water, I saw Robin sitting in the lobby looking cross. We stopped to talk to her and she said she?d rung Fran?s room but there was no answer.

I could figure out what happened. ?Why don?t you go down to that restaurant where we all met two years ago?? I suggested, figuring they?d all just left her.

?I don?t want to miss her if she comes looking for me,? Robin answered. Well, I thought, your business but I bet that?s where they are.

Jennie and I decided to walk around the Twin Towers mall for a while. I was beginning to sink into a funk. We were here way to early. Nothing interesting was going on and the kids already were bored. I ran into John from South Carolina, my friend that I had such a good time hanging out with 2 years ago. He looked pale from all his surgeries but pretty good. I was so happy to see him. We got to chat for a few minutes and the kids were restless so then Jennie and I thought to take them to the top of the World Trade Center?right, for $13.50 a piece! We all quickly nixed that idea and went to a couple of stores.

Why did we have to come so damn early? I wondered. Just so Robin could eat breakfast with Fran? Nothing exciting is going on until one! Cheryl wasn?t able to come with us because her cat, Samantha, had been badly injured. So ? after our little stroll around the mall we got lost for a few minutes and then Billy helped us figure out how to get back to the hotel. Once back there, we went into the dealers? room and I met Marcy and Kathy and a few other people?Dean, one of Nancy K?s friends and organizers for the Frid show, for one and Malia, my two time roommate for another?and some I didn?t want to see: Ed, the organizer of the Halloween party, Bob, Nancy McK and the ever charming Criseyde (who has the best David Selby site on the web but the personality of the wicked witch of the West)?ugh. So we went out to lunch and when we got back, things began to happen?finally.

Here?s some of what I posted:

Since my husband Rich died in May, I haven't posted much anywhere but I wanted to let everyone know that the Fest in the City was/is really nice. I don't think Sunday is sold out and if you can go, you should go for it. I'm also hoping that everyone who wanted to go got a chance. When I registered, the people in front of me were turned away from the door because it was "sold out". I'm sure they must have known, if you are online how could you not know? Still, I felt bad for them because they'd drive 2-1/2 hours :(

I went to today's Fest with two of my closest friends, Jen and Robin, and two of my children. We picked up our badges without a hitch and then went for a walk around the Twin Towers mall because it was still early. We wanted to go up to the observation platform but it was too expensive! It would have cost me $40 for the three of us so we went back to the ballroom and the dealers' room was opened. There were lots of neat goodies there and I finally got to meet/say hello to Marcy Robin and Kathy Resch and ran into several other good friends.

There was something wrong with my mood, though. I was at the Fest in 1999 and it was an exhilirating, heady experience for me. I felt like I was walking on clouds the whole time. Yesterday I felt like I was plodding but I smiled and smiled and told myself to get rid of the attitude; here I am at the Fest going to see David Selby again, what the H*ll is the matter with you, girl?

We went inside the 'auditorium' (?) and the first guest was Roger Davis. You know, I realize a lot of folks don't like him but he was funny. Yes, he did talk quite a bit but not so much as the last time around. He was funny; the audience was rolling. He also talked quite extensively about working with Pete Duel (an actor I liked a lot), who committed suicide on New Year's Eve years ago. Davis talked about the tragedy of Duel's struggle with alcohol and drugs and mentioned that he himself doesn't drink because growing up with an alchoholic parent will do that to you. Well, that talked right at me...I don't drink for that reason. His candidness about something so sensitive made me like him more.

Kathryn Leigh Scott was on next, and she looked as lovely as ever, very poised and upbeat as always.

There was this huge portrait of Louis Edmonds from a film pilot Dan Curtis was trying to sell for a new TV series years ago. I'm sorry, I don't remember the name of the pilot or of the character LE was to play :b but it sure was impressive. I believe it sold for $3,100. There were other items up for auction but the one that my son wanted, a watch, wasn't offered--I guess it will be today.

At about this time, another friend showed up from New Jersey. Her name is Connie. She is supposedly really shy and insecure. She had her daughter Tarin with her. Anyway Connie wanted to know what was going on?where was David Selby? Should she stay and wait for him? I didn?t know and I didn?t care but I got up and went with her to scope out a bar. He wasn?t there. Then I told her if she hung outside the auditorium he?d have to show up sometime so she and Tarin decided to do that. I apologized to her, told her I was not into being here, I wanted to go home, I didn?t care if I never saw David Selby again. She was totally floored. I don?t care, I really don?t.

I went back in to sit with Robin, Jen and the kids. Just before the auction ended, Connie and Tarin came back in and sat next to me. She spotted Criseyde and decided she had to get closer. Criseyde couldn?t be closer to Selby than she was. So she moved up and onto the floor. Jennie, the kids and I joined her on the floor in front of the auditorium.

Then David Selby came on and so did ?Quentin?s Theme? and as the strain of the music picked up, he said, ?All we need are the rollerskates.? It was funny two years ago but he was using the same line! Yeeesh, I thought. He read several poems from his new book Happenstance and a couple from In and Out of the Shadows. After that I think he was ready to move on but an organizer wanted him to stall so he read another couple of poems and then asked if there were any questions. I raised my hand and asked if he would read ?Head Shot?. He laughed and said, ?Oh, you like that?? First he wanted to read another poem and then he?d read ?Head Shot? he promised. The first poem was about losing your love, dealing with grief, I can?t remember exactly. I just remember losing it and beginning to cry, thinking about you. Jen was rubbing my shoulders and I tried not to be heard. Gee thanks, David, you couldn?t just read the poem I asked for, could you? That one is so upbeat and I like it so much! No, you have to go and read this really sad poem! Thanks a lot!

After he finished that poem, he did open the floor to questions. During the Q&A, one little girl came to the mike and she said to him, "When you were the ghost you were so mean but once you started to talk you were so nice." And the way she said it the audience just broke up. He asked her, ?How old are you?? and when she said, ?Ten? he said, ?I?m going to kiss you.? He asked her to come up on stage and asked her if her mother was a fan and she said yes. Everyone began laughing again. This issue of aging fans and stars came up several times during the day. Then he asked, "Did your grandma watch it?" When she said yes, I thought David was going to roll off the stage he was laughing so hard and the rest of us were roaring. He picked her up and gave her a kiss. What a sweet moment!

The cast reunion was fun. You could see the comaraderie that exists between the stars even though they might not see each other so often. John Karlen is always hilarious at these things, and I hope my picture of Kathryn Leigh Scott giving him a "real" kiss comes out all right. Donna Wandrey came on and chided Roger Davis for not giving her a free tee-shirt. ;) They all just seemed to be having so much fun.

Billy got up to ask David Selby a question about why he decided to behave the way he did in the 1995 storyline (the character lost his mind, was frightened and curled up into a chair). David Selby had NO clue. Couldn?t remember. Billy offered to bring him my tape tomorrow which got a laugh from everyone.

When the cut off point came, Roger Davis said he didn't want to stop until the audience did but I think he got voted down by the management because of time constraints.

I missed that decision because Krisitn and I went to the ladies? room. By the time we got back, Tarin and Connie were gone and we were going to be stuck at the end of the line. When I came up with Kristin, Robin was looking very aggravated and obviously wanted to leave?without autographs. Jennie wanted to stay and looked at me helplessly. I said well, I would stay with Jennie because I knew she?d brought stuff to give Denise Nickerson, wanted a poster signed by Lara Parker, wanted to meet David Selby?Robin looked annoyed and part of the time didn?t sit with us. She?d been there, done that and was obviously weary of the whole thing. Well, me, too, but I?d already ruined it for Connie, why spoil things for Jennie?

I said to Robin, ?If you want to go home, it?s all right. I?ll stay here with Jennie and we?ll get ourselves home.? Well Robin wouldn?t hear of that but she was very unhappy anyway. She said she had to get something to eat and I got her to take Kristin with her. Jennie was upset; she didn?t want to make Robin mad and I said don?t worry about it, she had her chance to leave. It turns out Robin?s feelings were bruised and she was thoroughly disillusioned?she?d decided to go to that restaurant and sure enough, there was Fran and her merry band of followers. They?d all just eaten breakfast?without Robin, without waiting for her!

Life sucks, doesn?t it?

When Robin and Kristin got back, Billy and I made a run for food. I hadn?t been so lucky with Bob. He came and sat with us on the floor, tapped me on the shoulder and asked, ?How are you doing?? My husband is dead, how do you think? I don?t know how it happened but I began thinking of you and the recliner you never got because you?d encourage me to go to the Frid show or to the Fest or to some other thing instead and how you wouldn?t be there to tease me about Selby or to listen to what I had to say about the Fest and I just lost it. I began to cry. Jenny put her arms around me and I really cried hard. People had to pass us by in line. Robin hovered nearby. Prudently, she sent Billy on ahead to hold our place in line. :P Eventually I calmed down and wrote this later:

The line for autographs was organized and run better than I've ever seen it before. The lines were long but the organizers moved things along smoothly. The kids and I got the signatures of everyone who was there. Roger Davis had to leave early...you know what he did? He came THROUGH the line to make sure he signed everyone's program or whoever wanted an autograph.

Jen had gotten a gift for David Selby several years ago that she meant to give him when she ever did meet him. The gift travelled with her through several states and :( broke on Long Island. My son, though, an expert with Krazy glue, managed to fix it. Oh, it was a blown glass gramophone (I think it was blown glass). Anyway it was simply gorgeous. When she gave it to David Selby he was so touched. Jen was ecstatic over meeting him and so she didn't hear when he turned to his assistant and said, "Did you see this?" and was turning the little crank handle on it. He really liked it. Jen was floating like I did when I first met David Selby.


As for me, I?d like to lie and say that David Selby remembered me and remembered the letter I wrote to him after you died?that would have been so nice, so comforting, but he looked at me and I knew he had no clue who I was. Writing to him has been a big waste of time and the two times he wrote back was just a fluke. He was warm and accommodating enough, posed for a picture but I was no one other than just another Dark Shadows fan, nothing special.

It was easier to talk to John Karlen. I told him how much I?d enjoyed him in Dark Shadows and in Cagney and Lacey and that I always looked forward to seeing him at the Festivals. He smiled warmly, a great big teddy bear, and said thank you sweetheart. I almost cried again. I wrote:

David Selby is a warm wonderful person, and John Karlen who is also warm and wonderful and cuddly like a teddy bear, was so easy to talk to. Had pictures of the kids taken with the stars and chatted briefly with them all. After that, we left to come home.

This part is brief because I don't want to depress anyone and because it had nothing to do with the Fest, the stars, the organizers, my friends...it was just something that hit me from left field, pole-axed me, and I just can't go back today as much as I wanted to see Selby and Lara Parker.

Rich always used to tease me about my "obsession" with Dark Shadows and David Selby. We would banter back and forth and he'd say, "I just know if you go there you're going to run off with Selby." Right, as if. But it was funny ... and he has always wanted a recliner because his legs hurt him so much he wanted to put them up. But he always put it off for something else. In 1999, he said, "Go to the Fest. Have a good time." I felt guilty but I went and had a wonderful time. Rich never did get his recliner. There was always something else the family needed.

And, I don't know, all of a sudden the Fest was no fun, it was meaningless, there was no point in being there. It's hard to explain and I hope no one takes offense to this. I cried in the back of that big auditorium for a while and then I pasted a smile on and went through the line and felt absolutely nothing. I just smiled and smiled like I was the happiest person on the earth. When we got back, my friend called her husband and told him all the fun she had. That's what's missing for me. No more teasing. No more bantering. No more telling Rich how much fun it was.

Well, I didn?t go today; I just didn?t think I could handle it. I wasn?t interested in seeing anyone before 12:30 anyway (Christopher Pennock) and Robin said she?d gotten a call from Cheryl offering to give her a car ride in with her and her friend Sam (I think that?s his name too, what a coincidence). Robin said since I didn?t want to get in until later, maybe Jennie would like to join her and Cheryl. I thought about it and decided there really was no point to going in at all. I mean, what for? Just to see Lara Parker and David Selby in a one act play at the end of the day?

So I skipped it. I meant to do some packing today but did very little other than the laundry and write on the computer and sleep and feel sorry for myself. The Fest is over. Jennie should be getting home soon. I hope it all went well for her. I suppose I?ll hear from Robin again eventually?she?s going on vacation to the Catskills, so maybe not. Next weekend we?re supposed to see your father and Alberta.

Good night my love,
I miss you so much and it hurts so bad,
Love,
Me