August 14, 2001
Good morning Rich,

Oh dear, the evening ended badly and began badly. Why do I let the little things make me so angry steam pours out of my ears? I belong to a Widow Net support group and until yesterday I thought it was helping me. A couple of weeks ago (I may have written you about this) someone named Ted joined the list and said that his wife died in his arms (and the day she died seemed to be about the time that you died) so I responded to him ON the list just saying that he would make friends and that the list had friendly helpful people.

This was his response, and he included my post:

thanks for the note.. I am very glad to meet you too.. you
sound real sweet...
write me anytime.or whatever.. Sounds like our spouses have been gone a
similar time..
so maybe we can relate a lot of this contemporary feeling...


Love

Ted

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, July 30, 2001 9:18 PM
Subject: Re: [widow] new guy on the block who lost a beautiful young
wife..too soon


> Hello, Ted,
>
> I'm sorry to greet a new friend under these circumstances, sorry for what
> brought us all here together. This is a great list. I have found many
> friends here, lots of support and understanding. My husband had a heart
> condition for a long time, since 1987. He was in stable condition for so
> long I suppose we just sort of lived with it on the back burner...hard to
> explain it. We have three kids, 14, 12, and 9--and this was after the
doctor
> said don't have kids, don't buy a house, he won't be around very long.
Rich
> went to a cardiologist for his check ups and stuff like that but after the
> first five years we stopped thinking of it as a potentially live
threatening
> illness...well, surprise...a real unpleasant one. I have had some flashes
> of deep agonizing pain but I'm still finding myself numb sometimes.
> Sometimes (even now) I think to myself, oh, this is all just an act I'm
> putting on and none of it is happening. I know it IS, I don't know who I
> think I'm kidding. Anyway, you'll make friends when you start posting and
> we start getting to know each other.
>
> Me
> Missing Rich
> 8/4/60 - 5/23/01
> Near, far, wherever you are
> I believe that the heart does go on...
>

His response to me made me really uncomfortable! ?Love, Ted?? I had the feeling he might just be trolling for a girlfriend. I wasn?t so sure he was a widower at all after all. And then I began hearing from other women who?d gotten private emails from this Ted character. All of us had responded to him on the list; he responded to all of us privately. We tried to figure out what to do. Meanwhile, even though I hadn?t written him back, he sent me his picture!

All of that took place around July 30-31 and when Maggie did nothing and Ted didn?t seem to post any more we let it go. Then a new guy named Walter came on, apparently from a foreign country, and apparently looking for a new bride. One person told him this isn?t a dating service, Ted came to his defense and then there was open warfare. And then Maggie had the nerve to come on and say that anything was allowed on the list. When I mentioned it would be nice to have spoiler warnings so that I could delete the trolling messages she responded sarcastically it was a good idea so I fired off an angry email to her that condoning Ted and Walter?s behavior of privately contacting women to pester them was like condoning a ?feel up? session on a train. She said I was over-reacting. I said fine, I?ll just lurk from now on. And I?m just so furious that she would take that attitude!

I?m also furious at myself for giving a damn. Who cares about these people anyway? Who needs them? I wonder if I?m back to my ACOA behavior of trying to create a crisis to keep me going?

Another worry, about Heidi: she?s taking benedryl to help her sleep. She took Dr. Dimeo?s advice to heart and I don?t know how many she takes but I talked her into giving the pills to Sue. Have to get her into counseling when she gets back and to see a doctor for an evaluation. Maybe she does need another antidepressant now.

On the happy news front?I wanted to try and end on an up note :) Cathy called and said that Charlie does want to rent to us and so I am going to meet with them to read over the lease, the monthly expenses, ask any questions and express any concerns. Wish us luck, my darling,

Somehow I believe you have been with us all the way. Help guide me in the right direction, dearest.

I will always love you and miss you,
Always and forever,
Me


Widow Support Board:
(((((((Sad Eyes))))))))
There are a couple of songs that affect me this way.
The first one is the last song Rich and I really listened to together, "I Hope You Dance". The lyrics meant a lot to him. He was tired of being limited in doing what he wanted to do. He talked about getting out more, trying to be with friends and family more often. He wanted to dance.
Another one (luckily I haven't heard this one in a while) is "Grow Old Along With Me". Both of us loved that song and took it to heart.
There are more of them..."Because You Loved Me"..."For the Longest Time"..."Stand By Me"...many of them! When I come on, I listen to them and remember Rich and cry.