Hi sweetie,
I was typing my note to you and the power suddenly went out and it all went away. I?ll start over again.
I have been feeling so sluggish in the mornings lately. I guess it?s because I?m going to bed late and then not getting my usual afternoon nap now. I really need to go to bed earlier. I also must have done something and pulled a muscle in my back and chest. Last night when I went to bed, I thought I was going to get those weird pains in my chest and jaw again (I mentioned them to the physician?s assistant, remember? And she said it probably had to do with what I eat). Anyway I notice it when I move in a certain way.
It is so hot, muggy and miserable out too. Sometimes it feels like there?s someone standing on my chest so that I can?t breathe. It?s supposed to be like this all week. Last night your Uncle Walter called because your Grandmother needs a ride to Winthrop Hospital for a blood test. Boy? I don?t mind taking her but I hope she?ll be okay in an unairconditioned car. :P
Speaking of that, we looked at two houses on Sunday. One was a Cape Cod in Massapequa Park. It had four bedrooms, two are teeny and the two upstairs are fairly large. It has some serious problems, though. The basement smells rank, musty and moldy. Ugh. There is old furniture throughout the house, which can be disposed of, but the yard is overgrown and needs lots of work. The main fuse box was blown so most of the lights don?t even work. Not so good?Billy was enthusiastic about the house, but I could tell that Kristin was unhappy and Heidi was less than thrilled.
The next house was beautiful! It?s in Massapequa, in the Plainedge school district, on the west side of Broadway. This house was humongous. It has four large bedrooms, living room, dining room, spiral staircase down to a full finished basement, and unbelievable amounts of room, a lovely huge deck and a pool in the backyard! Incredible! Even better, the landlord would take care of the lawn maintenance and we would just be responsible for the pool. The kids fell in love with it and I decided to make an offer on it. The rent is $2,000 a month plus utilities. I filled out the application?now we just have to wait and see what happens. If it was meant to be, it will happen.
Still no words from those SOBs, the Landlords. I guess they expect that I should eat the plumbing bill. All the more reason to get out?although I hate to do that, too. If this pretty house falls through, the realtor did mention a house that may come up for rent at the Cameo. I guess we?ll see what happens?what will be will be.
Heidi is leaving for Maryland tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, she?s been so miserable and I am hoping this will make her happy. On the other, I?ll miss her.
You know what Billy did? You?d be so proud of him. He brined a turkey and we roasted it Sunday. He?s planning on making us a whole dinner for it, mashed potatoes, gravy, string beans?it?s so cool!
I made a call to Cathy (the real estate agent) about the house I want to rent and then called about getting a Toyota Sienna. Marilyn F, our neighbor?Ashley?s grandmother?had me call her son Scott who is into Ford but he willingly gave me a contact at Toyota and so that is where I?m going to go this evening?to Amityville Ford. So let?s see what happens, darling.
Love you always,
Me
Widow Support Board:
posted 08-07-2001 08:41 AM
(((((((((((((Gardengirl)))))))))))))))
If I didn't have my children, I think I would feel as you do. I have
wondered sometimes what's the point?
I think Brian's on target too because I remember how Rich was...and I don't
think he would want me to stop caring about everything because he's not
there. He wouldn't want me to join him before my time.
There are things that I really don't care about anymore...
....organized housecleaning
....organized grocery shopping
....worrying about bills
....worrying about what I'm going to do now
I'm just sort of going with the flow. Some things will just take care of
themselves...
***********************
posted 08-07-2001 08:49 AM
((((((((((Tracey)))))))))))))))
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. More than half the time I don't feel anything either. I loved Rich very much and I know he loved me but 9 times out of 10 I can sit here and coolly and calmly talk about him as if he's just out of the room.
Sometimes I've seen and heard people wonder how they can go on with the rest of their lives knowing that they'll never see, touch, feel their spouse again. I feel detached from it because my mind absolutely refuses to go there...and yet, I know that this is the truth for me and one day I will have to face it.
I am a little further along than you...on Wednesday it will be 11 weeks. I used to wonder what was the matter with me too...why don't I feel anything? But I've heard back from enough people to know that nothing is wrong with me, it's just a part of working through the grief.
I did cry a lot on Rich's birthday, which was Saturday. My friends were all there and they were very supportive, not a DGI among them that day, and it was a better day than I thought it would be.
You're okay, Tracey. I get counseling, too, and it does help.
************************
((((((Rhonda))))))))
My husband died suddenly too, Rhonda. He had a heart condition and he
developed an arrythmia that was treated...he seemed to be stable. I guess
maybe we took his illness a little for granted.
I lost patience with Rich too many times because he didn't take care of
himself as well as he could have. He made some choices that weren't so
healthy and it aggravated me to no end. In spite of it though I loved him
and he loved me.
I hope you don't get too upset with yourself for being impatient with Lenny.
We are all only human. And I know that Lenny understands and he knows how
much you loved him, too.
I don't think you'll ever forget Lenny, this is the feeling I get. I think
when we love someone and lose them we get to a point where we can live with
the loss but we don't "get over" it.
There are so many nice people here on this board. Please keep posting.
***********************
posted 08-07-2001 09:01 PM
This is ridiculous. It isn't enough that my husband dies and is taken from
me. When bad stuff happened before (and it happened *all* the time, we're
one of those Jonah/Job families) at least we had each other to lean on.
Not long after my husband died, so did the car, that POS Ford Taurus. It
cost me like $1000 to fix it and get inspected and all that. No husband so I
could cry on his shoulder, just had to go take care of it myself.
Then there's Mr. and Mrs. Landlord, who have yet to acknowledge my
attorney's letter OR reimburse me the money I laid out to fix the plumbing.
Tonight I went to Toyota to buy a new van because the POS keeps cutting out
at the lights. Well, I had a substantial down payment for them but it has to
be a cashier's check because our credit bites (medical bills, car disasters,
more car disasters...). Okay, no problem. I walk out with the kids to get in
the car and go home...and the car is dead. It's not the battery, it's the
starter or something equally obnoxious. Last time it was the alternator and
countless other things. The time before that...well, never mind.
Tomorrow I was supposed to take my 12 year old to the bus station (which is
20 miles away) and send her to Maryland for 2 weeks (trip paid for by
daughter's best friend's mom and boy does the poor kid need the break).
Well, it ain't happening now. The 12 year old is hysterical. "Why does God
hate me?" she wants to know. I tell her, it's not God, it's just that bad
stuff happens, forces of nature, bad luck, all that crap. She looks at me
like I'm crazy. "But it keeps happening to US so yes, God does hate us!" So
I said no, if anyone hates us it's the Devil. Well, Heidi wasn't buying that
one either.
I was supposed to take Rich's 90 year old grandmother to Winthrop Hospital
for pre-op tests. Normally, Rich's aunt Terri would take her but her cancer
has recurred and is all through her and she's battling it, on chemo, and is
weak and dizzy. I feel horrible. Rich's grandmother has done so much to help
us out...now I can't even repay one lousy favor. No, I have to call poor
Terri and explain about the Fxxkng car. She's crying, I'm crying, it's a big
mess.
Now I have to figure out how to get the money from the insurance trust fund
to a bank that will make a cashier's check or something for me to present to
Toyota so that I can have *something* to drive. I have to figure out how I'm
going to do all this...alone.
My neighbor, who gave me a ride home said, "Don't worry, you'll figure
something out."
I'm glad she has such confidence in my ability to pull off miracles.
I want Rich!! Even if there's nothing we can do, I want him to lean on!! I'm
sick of this perpetual never ending bad luck--I haven't been mean to anyone,
WHY does this keep happening over and over?
I need a straight jacket...
**********************
The more I think about the Toyota Sienna van the worrieder I get. It's
loaded, one of two left from 2001. I hadn't had any intention of getting a
loaded van and the thing is like $30,000, which is $5,000 more than I ever
intended to spend--and even then I was looking more like for around 22 or
23... I talked the guy down to $27 but still...I said look, I really don't
think I can afford this, I should look at something else. They are slick,
these salespeople kept saying don't worry you'll work it out, you want this
van, safest car in the country, your kids are too big to squeeze into a
sedan...
I signed the papers but I felt kinda railroaded but they said listen you can
always change your mind if you aren't happy.
Then when the car broke down, I went in to use the phone...it was closing
time and they looked at me like OMG, STILL here? No one offered to help with
the car, give me a lift, nothing, and here they were expecting a big sale
from me. I called my neighbor. She was telling me that if Toyota wants the
sale that bad they should help me get to the bank to get a cashier's check.
I'm thinking maybe I should back out of the deal all together but the
problem is ... I have NO car now. :P
I am so confused...and I don't have Rich to help me figure this out...