Hi sweetheart,
I made it through yesterday all right. There were a couple of tricky moments, though. One of them was at the bereavement group for the kids. Kristin is sick now?she has a fever of 100.8 and I?m hoping she?s not getting mono now too. :P Anyway I started out by sitting out the group and reading a book called Hello From Heaven which is all about ADCs (after death communications) and I was getting into it but could tell it was going to be a long evening.
The mom who lost her daughter to a drunk driver was there talking on a cell phone, and she didn?t want to go in either. She went outside to complete her call and not too long after that, Mary, the social worker leading Kristin?s group came down and I told her what happened to her.
About a half hour into the evening, one of the participants came out to sit with me a while. She lost her father. We sat and talked for a little while, especially about how awful that man was?the one with the foster son that no one wanted. Luckily, he is on vacation for two weeks. Anyway, when the woman said she was ready to rejoin the group she talked me into going back in with her.
I?m glad I did now because the group was talking about ADCs. I?m glad they were because I haven?t been entirely comfortable sharing?I didn?t tell them about the readings, though, just about the scanner coming on by itself and your picture appearing and about the photograph turning over a couple of times. While we were talking I did have a tough minute or two. I was talking to the group about how I haven?t been able to take it in yet about being without you the rest of my life. I know you are with me always but not physically, not the way we were before and I have not been able to comprehend the full enormity of it. Whenever I do, my mind automatically responds NO, DON?T GO THERE! I?m not ready to deal with it.
Afterwards, Heidi showed me the anger box she?d made. It?s a shoebox with a tube from a toilet paper roll and she?s supposed to scream into it when she?s angry. I asked, ?Do you think it?ll work?? and she said, ?No.? I looked at some of the things she wrote on it?one was Mom doesn?t understand, the teachers treat me differently, Kristin annoys me and won?t leave me alone, camp/school stresses me out ?things like that. I asked her about the teachers and she said at the end of the school year they all treated her like something special and it unnerved her.
I said to her, ?I really do want to understand you, but when I ask you sometimes you get mad and say you don?t know what?s bothering you.? She said she knew that and then said she wished that we could go away together, just the two of us, on a vacation because we?re the ones who feel the stress the most?that Billy and Kristin don?t seem to care. I was going to point out that they DO feel stress, just differently but then decided that wouldn?t be the right thing to say so I said instead it would be hard because I?d have to leave Billy and Kristin with someone and they would feel left out. Heidi said, well, what about the Jonathan Frid show in December? She wants to come and help with the programs and stuff?I told her I?d have to ask Nancy.
Tonight I?m taking Heidi to see her own therapist for an evaluation, to see if she needs to be referred to a child psychiatrist. It?s scary. Sometimes Heidi seems like just a normal kid but other times, when she?s banging her head against the wall or hitting herself with her fist, she?s like a totally different kid.
I was online trying to catch up with all my emails. It was impossible. I was totally snowed under so I gave up. I?m almost totally wrapped up in Widow support boards, chats and email lists and I think sadly to myself that now you?re getting all this attention and you?re not here to enjoy it. I don?t care much about David Selby at all; have no interest in what he?s doing.
The school nurse from Albany Avenue, Mrs. Daniels, called to tell me that the community (I?m not sure which organization) wants to have a fundraiser to raise money for the kids and me and I was so touched. She said it would be in the newspapers and we?d be invited to go to the baseball game (I think that?s what they are doing). It crossed my mind: what if it?s during the DS Fest weekend? And then I thought: who cares?
I have an email correspondence with a man named David that makes me a little nervous. He lost his wife Melany around the time you died (I think?I?m not sure) and he joined the Widow list to try and make friends. I?ve only seen him post a couple of times but he began to write to me. I began to write him back?some of the things he says remind me of you. He has a funny sense of humor, likes to tweak his kids (they?re all grown), has affectionate names for them?these are all things you and I did. Like you?d say ?destructions? instead of ?instructions? and you called Heidi ?Bubba? and Kristin ?Christmas Pudding? and we?d kid the kids about what?s for dinner, fried worms and other silly things. Well, what makes me uncomfortable is that he is a man and I just don?t want to get close to him. I write to lots of the women on the list without a second thought.
There seems to be a predator on the list. Another man joined the list and proclaimed he didn?t like to stand on protocol. He watched his wife suffer with breast cancer for two years, she died in his arms, and now he?s ready to move on. I respond to all the new people on the list. That?s how David started to post me privately?anyway, this Ted fellow wrote me back too. His post wasn?t appropriate for one who is grieving. David wrote me that he planted a tree in Melany?s name and he needs medication to help him sleep and that he wants her back. That?s normal. Ted wrote me that our losses seemed to occur about the same time, maybe we could discuss the similar circumstances and I could write him ?or something?, love, Ted. Love? Might be just a half-crazed widower but I decided eh, better not write him back.
Then I got a post from Em, also on the list, and it turns out he wrote to her and to Fran and was hitting on them. Meanwhile, Ted sent me his picture. While we were trying to decide what to do about Ted, we found out that four other women had gotten inappropriate, suggestive emails from Ted. Em wrote to one of the list moderators who didn?t want to do anything until she saw the emails the rest of us got. I figured I would forward mine to her. Ted worries me more than David does at the moment because he seems like the predator or stalker type.
Why do people like that continue to exist when good, loving, sweet people like you die? There was an article in the paper about this man who has an artificial heart. It?s been one month and he?s doing very well. I think to myself: why couldn?t that have been available when Rich needed it?
I feel so sad about that sometimes?mostly because I love you and need you so much.
Always yours,
Me