Hi Sweetie,
Our Heidi has mononucleosis! Apparently that nasty looking throat I saw is very indicative of mono, poor kid. Her throat is sore and she?s gargling with salt water with a little lemon in it. Her glands aren?t swollen or anything in her stomach or under her arms so I guess she?s just in the beginning stages. So much for us going to Pennsylvania.
Linda and Dave and the kids are coming out on August 5th and I had to tell her about Heidi. I hope she doesn?t change her mind about coming?I?m going to call your brother Steven and Ann and ask if they?ll bring their kids. I guess you will get balloons twice. I hope you like the balloons.
I got health insurance for us now, me and the kids. It?s going to be about $450 a month and then another $77 for the dental, but that?s MUCH better than the COBRA plan. That would have been $800. I?m relieved?and Judy says the Hartford will be sending a check directly to me.
Your father wanted me to rent a car to drive to PA to see him and Alberta but I have to pick a different weekend now.
And last night?s bereavement group was a real bust. I don?t see the point of me being there anyway. It?s good for the girls. They made a feeling box and they put down words describing how they feel about losing you. I wish the ?parent rap? facilitator had us do that. I am so pissed at her.
She started out by saying that she had no idea what the girls would be working on so I was turned off right away. Then she sounded like she was being critical of having more than one support group?well Hospice MAKES us come to these things because the kids are here! And she was like, well, if this is the only group you come to you should do all your grieving here instead of going to other groups and on the Internet, you spread yourself too thin. I thought: you have a lot of nerve?and THAT is not the group I?d choose to do my grieving with. It?s a polyglot of people, some of whom don?t even belong!
It felt like this facilitator was being critical of two of us who have found support on the Internet. One woman, who lost her stepdaughter, pointed out that she has individual counseling, and then she comes for group for each of her daughters so she feels as if she should ?just point the car here and drive?. Then they got into talking about all pain is the same and it doesn?t matter if you lost a grandparent or a spouse. I was ready to jump through the roof there. And then the facilitator said, ?I can?t imagine anything worse than losing a child. It?s worse than losing a spouse.? I thought: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Then this one man began talking about why he was there. He has a 12 year old foster son who has been in and out of the system since he was 7. Both the kid?s parents were alcoholics. When he was 9, the boy found his father on the floor, dead of a massive heart attack. He was with his mother until last October when the social worker came and found mother drinking with her buddies. He went to this man?s house then. Two months ago, the boy goes with his mother and SHE drops dead in a parking lot. The man just sounded totally callous. He was trying to get someone in the boy?s family to take him. No one wants this poor kid. The social worker asked if the man and his wife would like to adopt the boy. The man was resentful. He?s into foster care (read into the money?) not adoption. By then I felt sick to my stomach. I got up and left the room and didn?t go back.
We saw more butterflies. Heidi felt someone touch her. I found a butterfly in this new book I?m reading, Hello From Heaven. And the book made several references to butterflies: ?How does one become a butterfly?? she asked pensively. ?You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.??Trina Paulus
And when a caterpillar dies, a butterfly is born. You really are sending me butterflies, aren?t you?
I love you my darling with all my heart. I don?t think I?ll ever stop missing you.
Always yours,
Me
Widow Support Board:
Born Again,
I'm thankful for your post. There was another post earlier that focused on
something good that happened during the week. I liked that one too. I feel
so down sometimes I don't know where up is and it's just nice to focus on
positive things for a change.
I'm thankful that I had Rich in my life.
I'm thankful that when he died, he was at home and that he just seemed to go
to sleep, no pain.
I'm thankful that my father-in-law came with me to the funeral home but
didn't try to influence any of my decisions about the service or Rich's
cremation.
I'm thankful that Rich and I have three beautiful children together.
I'm thankful for the support and love from Rich's family.
I'm thankful for WidowNet.
I'm thankful for my online friends, people at work who understand, and
neighbors who have been so supportive.
I'm thankful that the sticky heat wave broke and I can enjoy the offshore
breeze this evening.
I'm grateful for sunrises and sunsets; they are so beautiful.
I'm grateful that I can hear and see--there are so many beautiful sights and
sounds around me. I'm thankful for my health.
I'm thankful that I can work and make a decent living and support me and the
kids.
I'm thankful for the butterflies Rich has been sending me.
I'm thankful for the time people give me at work to write letters to Rich in
my journal.
I'm thankful for VCRs and movies.
I'm thankful that Falcon Crest and Dark Shadows are on television at some
point of the day.
I'm thankful that writing this post helped me feel better.
******************
My daughter asked why God took her daddy and let all the bad people live. I
thought and thought and tried to remember what that book said, "Why Bad
Things Happen to Good People". Lynne remembers it better than I did. I said
to my daughter, "It wasn't God. Daddy's heart was sick and it just couldn't
take anymore and so it stopped." So why did Rich have to be born with Marfan
syndrome? Why did he have to have cardiomyopathy? Why did his heart quit
just as we were really beginning to enjoy new aspects of our marriage--an
increasing amount of privacy, time to be together, etc etc? I have *NO*
idea. It's like that saying stuff (you know what I mean) happens.
How do I get by without Rich? I don't even know that yet...this is all still
so new.
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