Hi sweetie,
I don?t know what I?m going to do with Heidi. She is so negative thinking she is going to make herself sick and drive us all nuts. Even when we?re having a nice time she?s got something to be miserable about.
Yesterday we went first to the Children?s Museum and that was really nice. We were there for about an hour. The activities they were doing to commemorate the moonwalk was more for little kids, drawing and coloring pictures, but there was other things to do in and around the museum. The kids spent a lot of time with bubble machines, creating them, blowing them around, trying to become encased in a bubble, and I took lots of pictures. There was an exhibit on people with disabilities and equipment they use to make life easier. I showed the kids how to use a TTY and then there was a Braille typewriter they tried. There was an exhibit on communication (telephone, cable, and television) that they got a kick out of. I figured we could go back there again another time.
We went to the Volks? Fest next. It was crowded but still not as crowded as I remember from when we used to go. I spent a lot of money there?oh well. Billy got into a darts game and was winning lots of stuffed animals. The points of the dart weren?t very sharp and Billy became annoyed when his dart hit a balloon but bounced off. He felt it wasn?t fair that he didn?t get the stuffed animal for that. He was trying to win one for Heidi who bitched and moaned that she wasn?t winning anything and no one was helping her win anything.
There were a couple of ?rides? in the back for the kids. One was the moon bounce and the other was a sort of moon bounce slide where you climb up to the top and then bounce your way down. Just little kids were in line so I thought that Billy and Heidi might be too old but the guy in charge said, no, no age limit. ?You could go on, Mom,? Billy said. I asked the man if there was a weight limit and he said no so I decided to go for it.
I think if you?d been there you would have been supportive although you might have thought it was silly. Still, I remember you said you liked it when I did things like this so I think you would have been laughing your ass off. So when I got to the top, I thought of you and called out, ?I?m the king of the world!? just like Leonardo DiCaprio did in Titanic. Now that I think you might have rolled your eyes at but I was thinking of you, and down I went. It was fun! Heidi was mortified that I yelled out like that and went on and on about being embarrassed but didn?t object when I went up again. This time of course, I called out: ?This one?s for you, Heidi!? Ha Ha.
Your grandmother was at the Volks? Fest. She sat in the same place the whole time I was there, just listening to the music and looking like she really enjoyed herself. Uncle Walter was there too and he laughed heartily when I told him I?d been down the slide. ?Why didn?t you tell me?? he asked. I answered, kidding, ?Well, I yelled for you but you didn?t hear me.?
Your brother Steven and his wife Ann looked surprised to see me and maybe, I don?t know, embarrassed? They never call. But then I don?t call them either, and I didn?t talk to them but for five minutes. They did give me pictures of Steven and Nicole?the confirmation and maybe Nicole?s kindergarten graduation. Pretty kids.
Your Uncle George, Aunt Terri, and cousins Dianne (with her husband Steve and children) and Bill showed up and it was awfully good to see them. Bill is as tanned and gorgeous as ever. I?m surprised no woman has snapped him up yet. Dianne and Steve?s kids are growing up and are a couple of sweethearts. Steve said he was glad I came??It?s what Richie would have wanted? and I thought that was true?so I didn?t feel bad about enjoying the company there.
Dad and Alberta wanted us to visit for a weekend and I told them I couldn?t afford to take off during the week but that I could come for a Friday-Saturday-Sunday trip. So I guess I?m doing that at the end of this month. I just need to find out how much the bus will cost.
We were all tired by the time we got in but we were still up until 11:30 or later. Heidi turned nasty and was telling Billy he better not sleep downstairs again. I had to tell her to knock it off. She keeps trying to boss Billy and Kristin around and when I said to stop she said, well, you don?t do anything. I said, ?Want the job of mother?? Of course she didn?t but I said she had to stop worrying about what Billy and Kristin are doing.
This morning Heidi began crying when I woke her up. It irritated me to no end but I didn?t say anything. Kristin whined and said she didn?t feel well. The two of them began fighting and decided I must be punishing them. They are going on three trips this week! And one of the trips is to see a Mets game. Billy would love to go to one of them, and they just complain?I just don?t get it.
I decided I wasn?t going to let it drive me crazy though. I hope I?m making progress.
I read posts from some of the other widows who talk about being lonely, crying uncontrollably and screaming from the pain of missing their husbands. I wonder sometimes why I am not doing that. Am I normal? I do miss you and I love you. I miss making love. I miss holding you and kissing you and touching you and talking to you. But I?m not crying hysterically. Is it still Widow Daze? Or is it that I know you are with me even if I can?t see you and that you are happy and not in pain?
I don?t like the idea of going on without you. I have no choice?
I love you,
Me
from widow support board:
I feel a little more hopeful now that sometime I will
remember dreaming about Rich. I have been yearning to see him in a dream.
Maybe I'm wishing too hard or still in shock. It's only been 2 months and
I'm seeing that people begin dreaming about their spouses months later.