July 12, 2001
Was that really you last night, sweetheart? I went into a mediums? chat last night and even though I was too late to sign up for a reading, I figured I would just hang out and watch and see what happens. One of the readings was very moving, from a little boy to his mother. And then one of the mediums stopped the session because (s)he was trying to let go of a spirit who was trying to come through but couldn?t shake him, a really nice guy who kept showing Carmen Miranda and some other guy LL with curly hair, dancing around and joking.
My heart fell a little bit because I knew it couldn?t be you then. It didn?t fall in with anyone else either so the medium kept trying. A tall, lanky guy who wasn?t really showing his appearance, about 40-50, blue eyes, good sense of humor, nice looking but didn?t think he was nice looking?I mentioned that sounded like you but not the Carmen Miranda and LL stuff. The medium said it might mean that the spirit does impersonations and I thought, well, you did that?other peoples? voices like from Monty Python or Bogart?and I said so. The name Ruthie came up and someone asked if the name might be Richie, and I thought well, that is what you called yourself in your email: rrrichie1. This went on for about twenty minutes with people trying to figure out who it is and then the medium asked me, are you wearing a chain that belonged to him that he gave you to wear? And I was?the silver chain you wore. I?ve worn it since the day you got out of the hospital! The medium said he felt the spirit was there for me, and then I thought, it could be you, my darling.
There were a couple of things that didn?t make sense?a white handkerchief (except that you did lend me yours that day I was hacking so much and I don?t know where it ended up?maybe it?s still in the car?) and a yellow bird (Billy thought that might be Quacker Jack from the Ducks? games). There were other things that made sense, you mentioned someone with the name ?B? (Billy of course) and the color purple and a car (our car is purple); we?re considering buying a new car. You mentioned holding hands (we did that a lot) and turning a wedding ring on a finger?I mentioned earlier in this journal that I was taking your ring and putting it over mine to twist it, thinking of you, talking to you) and you said that you were listening?you heard me. And you mentioned our first meeting?I thought maybe you meant our first date when you waited in the parking lot for me, but then the medium said again that it wasn?t exactly that and then I remembered the psychic. The medium also said that I acted a little stand-offish at first (I did) and that you knew I was ?the one? long before you told me, and I even remembered that from a conversation we had!
You said that I was the light of your life and that you are proud of me and by then I was in tears. Rich, I miss you so much! Yet, it seems you are happy where you are and you are free from pain and for that I am so grateful.
We?re still trying to figure out the dancing and the Carmen Miranda angle though?although a couple of ideas occurred to me. The kids all said Quacker Jack did a really funny dance and then there was the time you were doing a hula in front of the television and your pants fell down. And then I remembered from ?Ghost? the Patrick Swayze character pestered the medium Whoopi Goldberg until she came to deliver his message to his girlfriend. So is that what you were doing? You are and always will be my best friend and it?s so comforting to know that you are listening to me when I talk to you or think of you. I wish I could remember you from my dreams? I love you still, very much.
The girls started with the bereavement group last night and I went in and did the parent rap. There was a mix of people there. One woman is like me?her husband died suddenly of a brain aneurysm 4 months ago and she found him and couldn?t believe it?she has two daughters in groups; one of them is with Heidi. Another woman was divorced from her husband when he died. Her two children were in the group. I think one was in Heidi?s group too. Then there was another woman who?d lost her mother in the past and, most recently, her father-in-law. Her child is with Kristin. Another woman was the grandmother?her eldest granddaughter was killed by a drunk driver. Her granddaughter was there?I think in Kristin?s group. The older sister of a mom who died of breast cancer brought her 12 year old sister. There was a man there with a little girl about 10 (I think) who was mourning her grandfather.
So we all talked a little bit and I found myself feeling almost angry. The one widow whose husband had an aneurysm talked about feeling cheated and I realized I feel that way too. I know I?ve mentioned that before?that we were just at the part of our marriage when we could really enjoy being together, stolen moments of making love while the kids are out playing, going out to dinner together or to the movies or whatever?never again. But you know what? I am glad for the times that we did because I can remember them and cherish the memories of them.
So the seventh week anniversary turned out to be not so awful after all. I was able to get through it and I thank you for your part in helping me. I love you with all my heart. I put your ring back in the lockbox because I was really afraid I?d lose it but I?m still wearing the chain and I?m wearing your I.D. bracelet too and I rub it sometimes when I?m thinking about you. I was just thinking to you now?got the message? If I could I would kiss you all over,
All my love,
Me