Hi sweetie,
Seven weeks today. I can?t believe it?s almost two months. It seems more like a dream to me now than it ever did before. I stay away from thoughts like never seeing you again or holding you again. Heidi and I talked about it a little this morning. She hates Wednesdays, she says. She wants to know why bad people don?t have things like this happening to them. She said, ?Maybe the Devil is looking out for them.? I said maybe, and that?s worse than what we?re going through in that case. Besides, you never know what?s really going on inside a person?s house.
The girls went on a field trip with the camp to some nature preserve in Queens. Kristin seemed to have a good time but Heidi complained of being thirsty and tired. Then last night both of them said they didn?t feel well. Heidi said her stomach hurt this morning so I let them stay home but warned them they had to go back to camp tomorrow. It?s ?Pajama Day? anyway?
Sue K called last night to talk about Heidi going down to Maryland in August for a week, so I decided that Heidi could do the bereavement group and still see Emma. One of the sessions was going to be cancelled, and hopefully it would be the one for the 8th or the 15th. If not, I?ll find out which date it will be and try to work around that so Heidi can do both things. I think it would help her.
I feel so out of step with people sometimes. Things are going on around me and either I am not paying attention or I just don?t care. I don?t quite feel ?normal? anymore. I haven?t been able to write except in this journal and I don?t have much interest in the things I did before. I just mainly stay with the Widow list and board. I did see a post from someone who goes to chat rooms who have mediums in them and I was considering that again. Some of the mediums read by spirit request only. If I go into one of these rooms I hope you?ll sense it and want to communicate with me. I miss you an awful lot.
Sometimes on the widows? list someone will talk about dating again. Yesterday a woman said a friend held her hand and then kissed her and she had really mixed feelings about it. I don?t know how to respond to these people. I?m not exactly jealous. I just find the idea kind of repulsive, but that?s just for me. It?s hard for me to post a rah-rah for them when I don?t feel any interest in it but I suppose I should try to be polite.
And just at the point of us really beginning to commune and be almost as one?you die. It just isn?t fair?
I guess I?ll stop at this point and pick up again later.
See you later, sweetheart,
Always with love,
Me
P.S. You know, I can?t even leave these kids home ONE day. I get a call around 1?a hang-up call but I quickly figure out it?s one of the kids. Sure enough, it?s Billy. Apparently Heidi and Kristin were fighting over some damn thing or other and were fighting in the kitchen. This SUCKS Rich, it SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS that I cannot leave them for even ONE day. And today of all days they have to fight!
Heidi is screaming because I told her she needed to put cold water on her face, calm down and lie down. She thinks I?m punishing her! I?m trying to get her to CALM DOWN. Why do these kids have to act like this and why did you leave me with them????