Good morning sweetheart,
It?s funny how songs can affect my mood. I was driving the girls to summer camp and was talking about how much fun they would have today. They are going to a wildlife preserve or some kind of park in Queens today. Anyway all of a sudden My Heart Will Go On from the movie Titanic came on and as I listened to the words I began to cry. The music is so hauntingly wistful too?it?s Celtic sounding music.
That is how I know you go on.
Far across long distance and spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more, you open the door and you?re here in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.
Well, of course I thought of you and that?s why I was crying. Every time I think that you won?t ever hold me again in this lifetime, that I won?t ever get to see or touch you again I back off that thought like it was something fiery hot. It?s like some kind of instinctive reaction I have to HOT HOT HOT DON?T TOUCH! Maybe that?s why I?m still feeling so ? numb, I guess. I don?t know what else to call it.
Some of the other list members have been talking about their ADC experiences. One woman has regular conversations with her husband and I wondered why can?t I? I tried calling to you last night, did you hear me? I missed you and wanted to hear from you and if you did come to me in a dream, I just don?t remember. It?s so frustrating not to be able to remember all my dreams.
Maybe you were looking out for me today. There was some guardian angel on my shoulder. I admit I was driving carelessly and I could have been in some mother of an accident but I was very lucky. I also saw a post from someone on the list advising me to ?go to a happy place? in my mind to try and communicate with me. That?s exactly what you?d say to Heidi to try and get her to relax: ?Go to your happy place.? I mentioned it to Roseanne too!
I don?t know how much we got accomplished yesterday but we did talk out some of the feelings of anger yesterday. Billy admitted he teases his sisters too much. Heidi admitted she gets mad and screams and hits too easily. Kristin didn?t really understand the question?how do you contribute to what?s going on??and became frustrated and started to cry. It seems like we?ve made progress though. Heidi is still in her own room and I?m planning to move Kristin back too although I did consider sharing the room with her. I don?t know?
Roseanne seems to think it would be better for the girls to both be back in their rooms or else it will be ?harder? later. My feeling, though, is that as long as Kristin needs to what is the big deal? It?s better than a nightly struggle and tears and all that stuff. That?s always a controversial topic I think. Some of the widows support the idea of keeping the kids with you as long as they need to; others say it?s not a good idea. I?m just going with my instincts here.
I also talked to Mary, the bereavement counselor about whether or not Heidi should be in the group or go to Maryland. We decided she could do both ? she can miss a week or two and go down to be with Emma. I just need to find out when the counseling session is going to be cancelled. There?s going to be a week when there won?t be any sessions and I was thinking if that fit with Sue and Emma?s schedules it would be ideal because Heidi could leave the day after a session and then come back the day before the next one. That would give her almost two weeks. So I?m hoping that I can get it all to work out because I really would like for Heidi to be able to do both.
Will try to get back to you later, sweetie,
Love you always,
Me