Dear Rich,
This parenting alone is too damn hard. Neither one of the girls wanted to go to camp this morning. Kristin clung to me so hard and begged me not to leave her there. What am I supposed to do? I had to go to work! Heidi got impatient with Kristin and told her to stop making a fool out of herself. I found myself becoming impatient, resentful & downright angry myself.
It?s not fair! How come it?s our kids who don?t enjoy camp and have trouble adjusting? I talked to one of the counselors and told her the other girls were being mean to Kristin. They tell her she doesn?t belong because she?s the wrong age. Heidi stuck up for her last week. Why does this stuff only happen to our kids?
So now my memory of the morning is of Kristin clinging and crying, Heidi snapping impatiently, and me trying to get away because I was already late. It sucks, sucks, sucks! Something happened yesterday where Kristin was excluded from the neighborhood kids and I?m just so sick of all this childish bullshit. Kids are so cruel to each other.
We went to see Cats & Dogs yesterday and it was okay, not a great movie but mildly entertaining. The kids liked it. I cleared out most of the bottles and cans from the basement. Billy helped me take them all up to Pathmark and recycle them. I think we got about $10 in slips out of it. Billy also helped me with the laundry. I did about three or four loads of wash and then he helped me get the stuff into the dryer.
But the kids are still acting out. Billy and Heidi punch and scratch each other. Heidi and Kristin punch and scratch each other. Heidi went back to sleeping in her own bed and it?s just as well because I couldn?t stand the fighting they were doing there either. And I guess Heidi feels rejected again but what the hell am I supposed to do? Heidi loses her temper and then starts clawing?and then she is surprised when I tell her it?s never right under any condition to put her hands on her sister or brother. I tell them the same thing. Even in self defense they are not supposed to punch or claw each other. Then Heidi decides I?m being mean to her and blows a gasket. I can?t win.
It?s too frustrating. I am very tense today, very much on edge. I miss you but at the same time I try not to think about it. I know you didn?t abandon me but that?s what it feels like to me. And it?s almost like I?ve shut you out of my mind because I can?t rely on you?you?re gone. Today we see Roseanne and then on Wednesday is the first bereavement group meeting for the kids.
Sue emailed me, offering to pay for Heidi to come down to Maryland. I was thinking of talking to that social worker at the Hospice Center, Mary, and asking what she thinks. If Heidi goes to Maryland, she?ll miss some of the sessions and I think it?s really important that she be there for all of them. On the other hand, sending Heidi to Maryland would get her out of my hair for awhile. I hate for her to feel like I?m rejecting her. It?s just so damn hard because she is so angry and negative almost all the time.
I sent that letter to the E's already and I know they cashed the rent check but they haven?t called so I am mad at them. I don?t know if they?re hesitating because they?re waiting for me to call them, or if it?s because they don?t want to rent to me anymore and don?t want to tell me or they?re trying to figure out how to jack up the rent or just what. The list members on the widow net group are advising me to go ahead and call them. I don?t want to be pushy?I think you would be impatient with me at this point and say just call and get it over with.
I feel temporarily paralyzed?