July 8, 2001
Good morning baby doll,

It looks like rain this morning. Billy says he isn?t feeling well and I think I will skip church. Well, I was sort of looking for a reason anyway. I feel very sleepy myself and Heidi and I had another blow out last night. She slept in her own room for the first time since you died. I don?t know what the problem was but apparently when Kristin tried to get into bed Heidi was already asleep and Kristin began hitting her to get her to move. So I scolded Kristin for that but the two of them went on fighting and finally I said, ?Look, why don?t you two just go back to your own beds??

Heidi stormed off crying and wailing. This was after midnight so I was already tired and annoyed. Kristin wanted to stay with me so Heidi said snottily to ?let the Princess stay?. It occurred to me it wouldn?t be a bad idea. Heidi has wanted privacy for a long time, her own room and so on and so when I mentioned it she just looked furious (it was probably not the right time) but like I said I was tired and grumpy myself.

We?d had such a good day. We spent a great deal of the day at the beach. Billy and Heidi both got sunburned from not using enough sunscreen. When we got back, Heidi went to visit her friend Sharon. I slept and when I woke up I talked to Elfie for about an hour and then went grocery shopping with Kristin. We got back at six and then I went to get Heidi. So it was all in all a lovely day and it just felt like Heidi was ruining it all because she gets so damn mad about nothing!

So I guess I?ll have to see how it goes today. We were supposed to see a movie, Cats and Dogs and I?m not sure about that with the way Billy is feeling. Heidi will get mad if we don?t. The house needs to be picked up; I need to do laundry, and the upstairs needs cleaning. So much to do?

I still have widow daze. I still can?t believe you are not here. I can?t believe I?m doing all this stuff alone. I keep wondering where you are. I miss your arms around me. I miss the physical closeness we had?the making love, the holding each other, holding hands. I miss the sound of your voice. I say these things and still don?t feel much pain because I won?t go further than that to the realization that this is for good. I can?t face that yet.

I?ll let you know if we go to the movies or not?well, you?ll probably already know. Help me with Heidi if you can. I don?t know what to do with her!

Until later, I love you darling,
Me