July 4, 2001
Happy Fourth of July, sweetheart,

This Wednesday hasn?t been as terrible and sad as the other Wednesdays. It?s been six weeks now since you?ve died, and I can hardly believe how quickly time passed. Heidi cried again for you today, after we got home from Cheryl?s house. I haven?t cried since that one awful Monday. I?ve felt really strange about that but I?ve been hearing that it?s normal.

Well, this is what we did today. I thought at first the plans for the Fourth would be off because the weather reports all called for rain, rain and more rain. I thought, Plan B could be going to the movies. It didn?t start to rain, though, and Robin emailed and said the rain wasn?t supposed to start until fireworks time so maybe we could go on with the barbecue. Cheryl agreed and I got into the idea again, got off my fat ass and made potato salad the way you always did.

Nancy decided she?s had so much bad luck with traffic and rain that she and Kay would bail. I took the kids over to Cheryl?s around two and we were there until the rain started at about 8:30. And we had a good time! Billy did all the grilling. He made a couple of boo-boos and errors in judgement but overall he did a great job.

We really had a nice time. I wish you?d been there, maybe you were? We made plans for more barbecues this summer and one of them will be in honor of your birthday, August 4th.

It?s at times like these, later in the evening, that I find myself looking for you and really missing you. My darling, I hope that you don?t have the regrets I do or the pain. I just would love to be able to hold your hand once more and to tell you how much I love you. I wish you would come and visit me in my dreams tonight and I wish I could remember them.

Good night my love,
Love you forever,
Me

My posts to widow support board:

I remember one really nice Fourth of July before Rich and I married. We went
down to the marina in the late afternoon and went swimming. We'd brought a
picnic dinner with us and earlier in the evening, there was a local group
that performed and we enjoyed listening to the music. We both had chaise
lounges and we set them up side by side. When the fireworks started we held
hands and watched. They were Grucci fireworks, absolutely gorgeous to
behold.
Another good memory...when we first bought our house in Columbia, Md, we
learned we were only a 1/2 mile walk to the town center if we used one of
the walking paths. So we went with our neighbors and joined hundreds of
other people at Lake Kittimaqundi. Columia had an annual festival going on
so there were lots of entertainers and clowns. That first year a
photographer snapped a picture of my two older kids talking to a clown, they
were just 4 and 2 then. Those were lovely fireworks too. The last time we
walked was when Kristin was just a baby, maybe about 6 months old and we
walked her in a carriage. Billy and Heidi had to walk and we were tired but
happy. After that, Rich couldn't make the walk anymore so we'd go up on the
school field behind out house and watch. Lots of our neighbors would go out
there, too, and it was festive.
Last year we watched the fireworks on television.
This year, I took the kids to a friend's house. They were calling for rain
and it actually did start raining but not until 8:30. We had a wonderful
time. The kids enjoyed themselves and I had a few moments of sadness but was
glad to have friends with me. Heidi started crying when we came home.
We miss Rich. There are so many good memories.