July 3, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Heidi and Kristin don?t like camp. They were complaining yesterday that kids were mean, there wasn?t enough water, and there was a mean older woman there, blah blah blah. They were both groggy this morning. I said to them camp is the way it?s going to be, like it or not and took them there this morning. Told them to ignore the mean kids and give it a fair chance.

I can?t even find a place that will take Billy. I was hoping to get him registered for some trips through YES but they don?t even take kids Billy?s age. I am appalled?the kids 13-15 years old are so vulnerable to getting into trouble. I can?t believe there?s nothing out there to address that need.

Today we?re driving to Bay Shore to meet the social worker at the hospice. That?s where they?re going to have the bereavement groups for the kids starting next week Wednesday. How ironic?Wednesday. Each week it?ll be the anniversary of your passing by one more week. Tomorrow it will be six weeks?

Yesterday it was Billy?s turn to talk to Roseanne. She says that he?s doing okay, he?ll be okay. He?s using the same defense mechanisms he?s always used and he?s processing things very analytically. Gosh, I guess like a scientist. I imagine he?s a lot like you? Anyway Roseanne said that he?ll be okay because I?m there to validate his feelings and try to give a name to them. I was worried about him stuffing his feelings. I am worried about ME stuffing MY feelings. The people on the list say I should welcome the Novocain feeling because it will wear off eventually.

I didn?t wake up at all last night. Either I was too exhausted and slept too heavily OR I got the answer I needed from you. I?d been wondering what time of the night you died and to think so clearly ?this is it? two nights in a row is a pretty clear message to me.

Last night Jeff S called to try and help me fix my hard drive. I can?t believe this is still dragging on. The trouble with my computer started even before you were hospitalized. Thing is, I don?t really care very much any more. I mean, I would want to get it fixed for the sake of having a computer with more memory and to give the computer back to the kids?but otherwise, eh. I haven?t been to many of the lists or sites that I used to go to and I just mainly live on the Widownet board and list.

I talked to Heidi last night about our sleeping arrangements. Some of the people on the list felt that the girls should stay. Some felt they should go back to their own rooms. Heidi said she slept in our bed partly because she assumed I wanted her to (it?s true) and partly because she would be too lonely in her own bed, but that she supposed she and Kristin should move back to their own room ?soon?. But I?m not in any hurry to kick them out. I think I would have trouble sleeping if I was all alone.
:( I really miss you so much.

My posts to widow support board:

July 3, 2001

I have always been strong.
What I am dealing with now is issues that are rearing their ugly heads from
childhood.
They have to do with abandonment. My parents were alcoholic so I've always
felt strong, had to take care of myself and all that stuff.
Rich used to say, "I'll never leave you" and when I'd worry about his
condition he'd say, "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." Well, HE didn't
mean to go anywhere anyway...
I sort of feel him with me. I don't think he's left me.
But those old issues from childhood, when there is a crisis they come back
and bite you on the butt!
***************************

My best friend and soulmate
Rich died on 5/23/01. I am still in a novocain state. Rich had Marfan
syndrome and heart disease (cardiomyopathy) and had recently had a bout of
atrial fibrillation that was being controlled with medication. He'd been
seeing the doctors and having tests run ... he was feeling better, was more
upbeat and spoke of wanting to get around to see family and friends more
regularly again. He went back into a-fib on 5/22, late at night; we called
the cardiologist who wasn't alarmed. A-fib isn't a lethal arrythmia, many
people have it. Rich was to take another digoxin and try to relax, which he
did. We held hands and talked for over an hour before he asked me to go on
upstairs and get some sleep, I needed the rest. Sometime after that,
something happened, his heart stopped and he died. I think on some level he
may have known what was coming and didn't want me there. Unfortunately, my
14 year old son was the first one downstairs and found Rich...we also have
two daughters, 12 and 9. This has been a difficult journey, we are all
stunned. I still feel like I'm in the wrong movie and I am really upset with
the script writer for screwing this up...
***********************


July 1, 2001

Just a couple of weeks before he died (I didn't see it coming), Rich said he
wanted to get out more often, he wanted to go to church regularly again,
visit family and friends, go on picnics and so on. We bought a cane for him
to use because walking had become so painful and we bought a special camp
chair so he'd be comfortable at a picnic. Four days after we bought the
chair, his heart stopped and he died.
I took the kids to a new church and they were going to have a picnic. They
invited us to come. I thought about it. I thought about how much I wished
Rich was there. I thought I would rather be at home not going places if only
he could be with me. Anyway, how I get around the feelings is that I think
that Rich would not want me to stay at home and also, he is with us in
spirit.
I went to the restaurant we'd eaten about 10 days before he died. I went
with two friends and funny thing is, just as we ordered the one friend said,
"I hope this isn't a place you and Rich came to regularly?" And I pointed to
a nearby table and said, as a matter of fact, we were here last week and sat
there but it's okay because the memories were good and I think this is what
he'd want, not for me to be sad all the time but to celebrate that I had him
in my life.
I'm trying to do that but I think I'm still full up with novocain or
something. I still feel like I'm dream walking sometimes.