June 30, 2001
Post to widow support board:

Hi Rob,
I think you need to do what feels right to you. If you are more comfortable
making a change, do it--it's not ever too early or too late. It's when you
feel like making a change.
My situation is a little different. What happened with Rich is a long story
and some day I'll tell it. Anyway, he got up at about 1:30 in the morning
saying he felt too anxious to sleep. He was in a-fib, something he'd
experienced over the last 13 years but he'd always been okay and returned to
a normal sinus ryhthm. In April, he fainted and went on another med to
control the a-fib. He was afraid of the whole process beginning again
although when we'd called the cardiologist earlier he assured us it was not
life threatening and that Rich should just try to relax. Anyway, he often
would watch TV, relax, and fall asleep. I said I'd sit up with him and he
said no, go back to bed. I sort of suspect that on some level Rich knew.
And sometime after I went back up to bed, Rich's heart stopped and he died.
I left him settled on the couch. In the morning, he was on his back in the
middle of the room. I have no idea how that happened; no one heard him fall
or call out or anything. I had an ADC session with an acquaintance who is a
channeler and she said that Rich did not want me or any of the kids to see
what happened; he wanted to be found as if he was asleep and that's just
what he looked like.
Anyway, I can see the place on the floor where we found him but I'm okay
with it. Maybe it's because I got to talk to Rich for about an hour that
last night before we tried to sleep and we both knew how much we loved each
other. Or maybe it's because it's the fact that he didn't seem to be in
pain, just sleeping, and so it doesn't upset me as much. I have no clue...
The only thing I did was get rid of all his medicines (finally)but I haven't
made too many other changes yet.
********************

I get upset when I don't "hear" his voice. I can see his face, I can bring
up an imagine of the way he looked at me--he had beautiful blue eyes--and I
remember his hands and fingers, his goatee, I remember WORDS but I can't
always hear the voice and that's when I become upset. I want to remember
everything about Rich...but I don't have his voice recorded anywhere. Once
in a while I can "hear" it but not always.
Linda, I agree...I do feel so much better when I can remember all of the
things about Rich, who was my best friend, my soulmate. I feel lost when I
can't remember the voice...


July 2, 2001

Dear Rich,

Today I dropped the girls off at camp. It!|s a beautiful day and I think they!|ll have a good time today. They!|ll be going to Bethpage State Park for most of the day. I!|m hoping they!|ll enjoy themselves and that they!|ll be good and tired when I pick them up. Billy sees Roseanne today and Heidi is supposed to watch Ashley today.

Oh, boy! On Friday, Heidi was watching Ashley and for whatever reason gave the kid the key to the house!Xand Ashley lost it! So Ashley!|s grandmother was pretty upset with Heidi, who felt that the grandmother should have !?known better!? and had more copies of the key. I said to Heidi, !?The thing is, you shouldn!|t have given the key to Ashley in the first place. She!|s just a little girl.!? And Heidi protested, !?I know that Mom but Ashley!|s grandmother still should have had extra keys!!? I wonder if Heidi really does understand. The bottom line is that the key is Heidi!|s responsibility while she!|s watching Ashley.

On Saturday, Robin and Cheryl were supposed to come over in the afternoon to go swimming. Nancy was supposed to be there, too, but she was going to Delaware first and then was coming out later in the day, around 4:30. Anyway, it was a very hot, muggy day. Robin arrived first and we went to the pool. It wasn!|t crowded at all and the water was tepid, like bath water. Robin was telling me how much pain her husband, Dan, was in so I suggested she call him and have him come over too and he did. Cheryl arrived soon after with her daughter Christina and Christina!|s friend Danielle. So we had a terrific afternoon. Mostly we just floated around the pool and talked. I did have to send Billy back to the house because he kept hitting the girls in the head with his kickboard. He said he didn!|t, but I saw him.

Around five, Dan and Robin left to have dinner with their son. As much as Robin worries about Dan and her son (and I understand why, they have diabetes and some complications arising from them) I couldn!|t help but feel envious of the two of them. They still have each other. I tried not to think about that. Cheryl also left to take a shower. She was going to come back and then we were going to order out pizza for dinner. Nancy still hadn!|t shown up and I took a shower.

When Cheryl and the two girls came back around 6:15, I called the accursed Marino!|s. I started to tell Cheryl about the family special but then we remembered the garlic knots and decided not to do that, too many bad funky memories of that last cursed delivery where instead of knots we got garlic bread. Well, anyway, Nancy still hadn!|t shown up and the delivery guy forgot the salad and went back to get another one. I realized just how expensive it is to get Marino!|s pizzas so I!|ll try another place next time (tonight). Meantime, Robin arrived back!Kand still no Nancy.

I was beginning to worry about her.

Just when I was about to call Kay, Nancy called. She!|d been stuck in traffic since 4:30! There were festivals and other problems that caused horrible snarls. Poor Nancy. I know you and I would be basket cases in a situation like that! :P Anyway, Nancy finally came out around 8 and then we sat and bullshitted for a couple of hours. We never did watch the Frid tapes that Nancy brought but she loaned them all to Robin once we made plans to get together again on July 4th.

Nancy told us about the Frid Show Trip From Hell in Dalton, GA. The show was undersold because the sponsor didn!|t publicize until the last minute. The lights and sound schedule was screwed up and Nancy had to run that. Jonathan Frid forgot an important light stand and they were out running around in Home Depot and K-Mart and Nancy even went to truck stops looking for one. There weren!|t enough volunteers on hand to help, and it just sounded like a mess. This same sponsor wanted Frid to come back to Nashville, and Nancy said she was kicking Jonathan under the table. There!|s no way, she says. She looked exhausted.

Cheryl, Robin and I all agreed to help Nancy in December. I!|m going to find a place for the kids to stay that weekend and then I!|m going to split a room with the two of them and maybe one more person, Nancy I guess. I!|m sorry you!|re not going to get to see the show. I think you would have enjoyed it. ?? Everyone ended up leaving around 11 but I was up until after midnight!Kcouldn!|t sleep.

Billy came in around 1:30 the night before and there was thunder crashing. The power went out momentarily and so groggily I reset the clock. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes but he ended up sleeping downstairs anyway. I woke up at 3:15 or 3:45, I!|m not sure which, and realized I!|d set the clock wrong. I also realized that I!|d been dreaming something but I can!|t remember what and I remember thinking when I woke up !Ythis is when Rich died!|. I don!|t know why I thought that. It didn!|t seem like that was part of the dream but I can!|t be sure.

We all got up early the next morning for breakfast at Brady Park, and I was really dragging. Still, the breakfast was really nice. We got lots of food, so much so that I didn!|t eat lunch and never missed it. We were there until almost eleven, talking. Billy got involved in a conversation with someone about animals and science; Robin took the girls for a walk. Cheryl and I just sat and vegged.

I thought about taking the kids to the beach later and mentioned it. The girls, of course, were anxious to go. The power went out suddenly and unexpectedly and I!|d just gotten the computer to reboot when it went out again. So I shut all the power off and went up to take a nap. At first I couldn!|t sleep because Heidi and Kristin kept fighting. When I did get up, I felt worn out. Still needed to do the laundry and so I told the kids no beach today.

Heidi immediately copped an attitude and said we only go places that I want to go to which is untrue and unfair. So I got really mad at her. They!|re both still pretty sunburned from the day before and I pointed out they!|d be going to the park today with the day care. Not only that but on Wednesday we!|d be going to Cheryl!|s for a picnic/barbecue and that, in truth, we were actually doing a LOT of stuff. Grudgingly the girls agreed.

I watched Lethal Weapon with them. I suggested we could watch movies together every night. I forgot that today Ashley would be at our house until ten. :P So I guess instead of Lethal Weapon 2 we!|ll have to pick a nice, tame movie. Oh well.

I went to bed about the same time, maybe earlier and woke up this morning again at the same time, realized I!|d been dreaming but couldn!|t remember about what, and looked at the clock and thought again, !Ythis is when Rich died.!| It!|s a little spooky. So is this true? Is that what you!|re trying to tell me? I!|d still like to know how you ended up on the floor the way you did. You!|d been on the sofa. Did you fall? Or did you just lie down or roll off the sofa? It!|s screwy the kinds of things that I wonder about!K

There were a couple of questions on the WN (Widow Net) board that made me stop and think. One was to think of something positive that happened since you died, a positive change, I guess. So I thought right away of the fact that we!|re so much more active now. I still feel guilty about that, wondering if these are things you would have enjoyed doing and would have made an effort to do!Xor are these things we might have skipped because you weren!|t feeling well? I don!|t know!KI believe if you were living I would not have made as much effort to go to the beach, pool, to the picnic and so on. I feel bad about that.

And the other thing was to tell in what way I!|ve become stronger since you!|ve died. I don!|t think I!|ve become stronger. I was already strong. But I do think the challenge will be to pierce through the armor I!|ve put up. I!|ve always had this protective shell around me against being abandoned or left or whatever you want to call it. Other widows say they cry every day and they can!|t imagine life without their husbands. I haven!|t cried and I think what I!|m trying very hard to do is to avoid thinking about life without you. I!|m not so sure that this is a good thing. I just don!|t know how to do this grieving process right.

I can almost hear you saying that I was always good at putting myself on a guilt trip!Xand you!|re right. I just wonder why I!|m not crying more, why I!|m not screaming and railing and striking out more. I know it!|s a different process for everyone, and I guess I just haven!|t accepted the fact that you are really and truly gone yet.

More later. I love you, baby,
Me